Young Writers Society

I decided to make a combination of chapters cause I don't have points please ask me for reviews!




Two:
MaryBelle:
The stone was cold beneath my bare feet; the wind blew tossing my skirt to the wind. My long, blond hair was blown across my face making the ship hard to see. Everyone in the village of Kato had come to see the ship leave, the commoner’s, the merchants, the Queen and King and then my family gathered together on the stone wharf waving to our families and friends. My little sister Cynthia tugged at my skirt, her face pale and wet with tears. I felt my own eyes brim with tears but blinked them back quickly. ‘I must be strong’ I told my self, the same sentence I had been saying for the past 3 hours. Watching Mother and Father pack their bags for the long sea voyage, seeing how worried Mother had been all week; knowing she would be leaving her children soon with no money and only three of us old enough to work. In short they had left us to die or thrive without their care. The ship had pulled up its anchor and turned retreating into the mist. I turned and grabbed the hands of the youngest: Cynthia and John “come on” I urged pulling them down the road and into town: towards the new life full of uncertainties and worry….


Three:
AnnaLea:
The ship rocked beneath my feet, the wind blew my hair in every direction whipping it fast across my face. I watched the port recede into the mist and rain, my eyes locked on a face in the crowd. A girl: her hair blowing in the wind her grungy gown blowing about her ankles a little girl clutching to her skirt her face wistful and worried. I lost sight of her face as she turned taking the baby’s hand and walking away, her back hunched with the weight of a thousands worlds. I felt funny as I watched her walk along Ester St. and fade into the mist.


~

My room was downstairs where the servants and sailors slept. A stooped man carried my knapsack down the steps, away from the rain and mist. We walked along a corridor; where I could se families settling to suites, then walked down another flight to the bottom: where sailors and slaves were exchanging words across halls.

My room was at the very end of a very long hallway. It smelled of sick and decay and as small as it was they couldn’t fit a closet in: just a pole and hangers to hand my other gown and night-shift. I sank down the cot: which had a rough lamb’s wool blanket and dirty cotton pillow and sighed, my heart was crying but I could not cry anymore.
I was past that. I moved with slow robotic movements: hanging up my night shift and gown. My extra apron and my nightcap hung on a hook and my silver back comb, mother of pearl hand-mirror, lesson book and blank diary in a latched cabinet above my bed. Once that was done I just sat there, my diary in my lap trying to decide what to write:


‘November 13, 1700
We left today. Fleeing on a boat from Kato. Why? Because Lassa and I found out something we shouldn’t have. We had taken summer jobs at the palace on the edge of Kato city, the King and his court lived there; along with several important officials. We mainly worked in the kitchen (my strong suit) and in the parlor and dining rooms (Lassa’s strong suit) until one day we were called upon to bring the king and a friend afternoon tea. We hurried: fetching the tea with lightning speed for: the King does not like to be kept waiting. As we neared the door we heard the King’s voice ring out “Magicon says the poison is ready.” A raspy slurred voice answered “who is the target this time?” “The twins of Shalimar.” The man gasped with either horror or delight “lovely” and they still don’t know they were separated at birth and given to other families?” “No.” the King’s voice was low now “one works in the castle now.”
I stumbled back at that time dropping the silver tray and fleeing; because at that instant I knew he was talking to me.

So that is why diary. And now I know I am not related to Lassa, Carol, Bethany, John, Father Townsend, Ma or May.
That is the worse blow anyone could pay to AnnaLea Townsend (if that is my real name.)
~Lea’


I placed my pen down and slipped the book in the cabinet; locking it and slipping the key in my waistband. “And so, I must decide how to escape.” I spoke for the first time since I had boarded the boat, and what dreadful words were they.


Four:
MaryBelle:

“And so it was that he left with his jam and bread and he was happy again.” Little Sarah’s voice; high and thin rang from the side room, reading John, Nina and Cynthia to sleep. Mark, Lila, Samantha and I sat in the small living room; Mark muttering to himself and staring at a pad of paper Father Lismiswick used to do the finances on. “Find anything Mark?” I asked my heart beating faster and faster as he turned to us by the hearth. “No” his voice wavered making the one syllable word into to two. Lila collapsed in a heap on the grungy grate, her sewing floating to the floor like a leaf in the fall. Samantha and I exchanged glances our eyes speaking concern across the room. My hands clasped in my lap (the thing I did when I was scared and upset.) when I looked up Samantha had stood up and was walking towards the steps leading to the room she and I shared “I’m going to bed everyone” her voice was reduced to a whisper by tiredness and anxiousness. She nodded to us and walked up the rickety staircase to the top floor.


Lila stood up her face pale and moved towards the side room. She was not related to us; I had come across her lying in the street and brought her home. She served as Governess to the younger children (John, Cynthia, Little Sarah and Nina) and friend to the rest of the household.

She went behind the screen to tuck Little Sarah (the eldest of the younger children) into bed and make sure the other three were asleep. I stood up and nodded to Mark who still bent over the notebook jotting numbers down as if it would help. He did not notice. “Goodnight” moving to the staircase, mounting it. Tears flowing down my cheeks. When I reached the upstairs hallway, I took a deep breath before entering the bedroom, brushing the back of my hand across my face and smoothing my messy plait.


~




‘November13, 1700
Samantha is asleep now so it is safe to write. Something strange happened to me when I was waving goodbye to Mama and Papa today. A girl my same age with the same red hair and blue eyes as me, seemed to hold my gaze as we were walking away. I felt as if I knew her. Foolish right? I hope so.

~Bella’

You have a really choppy writing style that makes it unclear for the reader, truly what is going on. Did you randomly change from normal prose to a diary form?
like here?

‘November 13, 1700
We left today. Fleeing on a boat from Kato. Why? Because Lassa and I found out something we shouldn’t have. We had taken summer jobs at the palace on the edge of Kato city, the King and his court lived there; along with several important officials. We mainly worked in the kitchen (my strong suit) and in the parlor and dining rooms (Lassa’s strong suit) until one day we were called upon to bring the king and a friend afternoon tea. We hurried: fetching the tea with lightning speed for: the King does not like to be kept waiting. As we neared the door we heard the King’s voice ring out “Magicon says the poison is ready.” A raspy slurred voice answered “who is the target this time?” “The twins of Shalimar.” The man gasped with either horror or delight “lovely” and they still don’t know they were separated at birth and given to other families?” “No.” the King’s voice was low now “one works in the castle now.”
I stumbled back at that time dropping the silver tray and fleeing; because at that instant I knew he was talking to me.

So that is why diary. And now I know I am not related to Lassa, Carol, Bethany, John, Father Townsend, Ma or May.
That is the worse blow anyone could pay to AnnaLea Townsend (if that is my real name.)
~Lea’

if so, what I'd suggest is is to put whtever is a diary entry into italics just so the reader knows and can figure it out.

Other then that, you should go back, and proofread for easy grammar mistakes you have.

~WickedWonder

Hey Pointe!
I see you posted more

I must say I didn't like these chapters as much as the first. They seemed really hurried and fast. I felt like I was being fed a bunch of things that your MC did and saw but not really that much feeling or emotion except for a few sentences about tears coming down her face and her heart beating fast.
And the story while original is a bit strange and hard to follow. Something about kings, twins, Shamilar, and poison. I don't know I was confused.
And the mysterious girl she saw as the ship left the port, is she going to mean anything later in the story? I felt like she should be and I'm sort of waiting to hear if we'll ever see her again.
One last thing, your chapters still aren't really chapter size. They're more like paragraghs.
I did like how you described the ship, I could picture it in my mind. Dirty, smelly, overcrowded, uncomfortable. Nice job on that one!
Overall, it was ok but it's needs some editing.
So sorry if I sounded too harsh!
*daydreamer

Ello again!

So, where to start?

Viewpoints from a point of view
Changing viewpoint can be very disruptive - imagine suddenly switching from a grown adult to that of a child. In simple terms, an adult can see everything laid out around them neatly, but when you suddenly become a child, you're looking up at the world instead of down, and a lot more is off limits. It takes a little time to adjust to this change. It's the same with your novel, it takes your reader time to adjust to a different viewpoint, so try not to change them so quickly.

Classifying parts:
I think I mentioned in my previous review that part one was very short for an opening scene. Now I take it back, seeing that it's not the end of the scene at all. As I said above, changing viewpoints is disruptive, and changing scenes is not as much but still requires a little time for your reader to settle in to it. So, here's what I would recommend: Instead of separating Part1, 2, 3 by the changing viewpoints, but how about by the scene instead. So part one would be from the beginning to where AnnaLea talks about her room. Then part two could be each person settling into their room, and part four could be Lea's diary entry, which she could be writing in the same reading room that Belle is in.

Positives:
I like the way this is told. It seems like the story is casually unfolding from the view of these characters, and even though it's a bit chaotic in the way it's put together, the simple perspective of these girls combined with the hint of a greater mystery lying behind it makes it even more intrigueing.

Nitpicks:
The 'worse' blow should be 'worst.' On that, it would be good if, since it's a diary entry, you could spend a little more time dwelling on Lea's thoughts about this matter.

To part five!