Young Writers Society

-Deleted-

Hi Teardrop,
I'm a little rusty with reviews but here goes one ok?

So just for a few places that could be tidied up:

Inside there was a large bed in which her sickly bedridden mother, Debbie, lay sick all day.

In this sentence you state that her mother was sickly and sick. I would try removing the "sickly"

Inside there was a large bed in which her bedridden mother, Debbie, lay sick all day.

Then, right under the curtained window laid a pile of blankets were Constance and her seven year old sister Josie slept.

I would change laid to lay and put a comma after blankets and then I think you meant where not were.

Josie smiled when she saw Constance

Since you already introduced Josie in the previous sentence I would replace her name with She.

Constance didn't look forward to the day when her chest stopped rising and falling.

This just sounds a little odd to me. Of course most girls don't look forward to the day their mother dies. I would embellish it a little and let the reader really feel Constance's remorse and sorrow at the possibility of losing her mother.

Josie smiled and dropped some meat into the soup.

I would place this on a new paragraph after what Constance said. Otherwise it almost sounds as if she could have spoken.

poked her sister were her heart is

Where, not were and I would say something like: where her heart lay. Is makes is sound in the wrong tense.

and took a look at it,

Period, not comma.

Dakota rememebered

It's spelled: remembered

had shrank from

It's shrunk.

He realized he needed food, and so he slipped from the alley and found a home, not lit by candlelight and the people inside snug in their beds.

This is an awkward sentence. It sounds at first as if he found a home to reside in and it's kind of long. I would try:

He realized he needed food, and so he slipped from the alley in search of a house. Soon he found one, not lit by candlelight. The people inside lay ignorant of him, all snug in their beds.

Or something to that effect:)

Dakota had found a cracked window in the back, and he opened it all the way. Dakota climbed into darkness. The sliver of the moon was barely enough to allow Dakota to see where he was going.

We already know you're talking about Dakota. I would replace his name with "He".

and it clammered off

Clammered is not a word. Clambered is though I don't know if it's what you want there.

and making it all alone would backfire

At first this is confusing for me. I would define it a little more. Like: and his plan (or goal) of making it all on his own would backfire.

Unfortunatly, he probobly had.

Spelling: Unfortunately, probably

had came for

Come, not came.

He found his way down the twisting streets to Smith's Bakery. He swung open the door as if going in to purchase a loaf of good bread from the town bakery.

Just something you want to watch out for is using the name or "he" or "she" too much. In this case I would change the last sentence to:

Swinging open the door as if he was going in to purchase a loaf of good bread from the town bakery, Dakota entered.

It's the old show not tell here.

Sorry it was so long, it was mainly grammatical and spelling errors you could catch by using a word processor. I hope you didn't feel I was being hard on you, I always worry about offending people when I review their work. I think you have the start to a great story. I liked how you described the two main characters before having their stories connect. Keep up the good work and if you have any questions about the review feel free to contact me.

~Dakota Knight (*heh heh* I have the same name as your character!)

: ) Thanks a ton, no I don't think it sounded harsh at all.

Thanks again! It helped a lot!

~ Teardrop