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Broken But Not Crushed ~Chapter 7



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Sat Jan 01, 2011 8:34 pm
d@ydre@mer27 says...



Chapter 7

Liesabet bit her lip and turned her head away quickly so as not to give away the tears threatening to spill over. Corrie paused and then let her hand slide to Liesabet's arm comfortingly.

"You're not alone Liesabet. Everyone here has lost someone, I lost my little brother and sister the day after I arrived", she said softly in a voice barely above a whisper.

That brought Liesabet over the edge and a rattling choked-out sob sounded from her lips. Tears flowed down her bruised and muddy face and she sobbed deeply, her shoulders heaving with each breath.

"Everyone.....is...gone. Mutter, Father, Rory....all gone."

Corrie quickly enfolded her in her arms and let her cry until she could weep no more.

"You need rest, she told Liesabet, mornings come early here and you will have to work", she whispered and stroked Liesabet's back.

"How can I rest?", Liesabet croaked bleakly.

Corrie stepped back and shook her head, "You must try, please try Liesabet. I must go back now, I will come and find you tomorrow yes?"

Liesabet nodded slightly and closed her weary bloodshot eyes, wishing to herself that her life would end.

After she heard the barrack door close behind Corrie once again she turned over onto her side, the slats of the bunk creaking precariously. Facing away from the women she shared it with she slid up the sleeve of her coat and ran her thumb over the freshly-broken skin of her tattoo. 72919....72919...72919...the number engraved in her memory as she muttered it over and over before finally falling into a fitful sleep, but only because of her sheer emotional exhaustion. Dreams of Rory plagued her, he was searching for her at her old home and not able to find her, weeping at the sight of her father's body. He called for her and it seemed so real, so close.

The dream was shattered as a loud banging noise jolted her awake. Her vision was taken away briefly as the door swung open and the light of early morning poured inside the dark and gloomy interior of the barrack. She squinted and raised a hand to shield her eyes until they adjusted to find guards in the doorway armed with guns.

"Out! Out! Out! Get up schmutzig schweins! Get up filthy pigs!", they shouted menacingly and waved their guns about.

Liesabet slowly sat up, wincing as pain shot through her head and the place she had been struck began to throb once again with a fierce intensity. Being the nearest to the edge the other women pushed and yelled at her to get moving and as she slid to the straw-covered floor she was literally carried by the flow of women right out the door and into the sharp cold of the outside.

Once all the women were assembled they were marched to the main courtyard where they were lined up in rows according to barrack numbers. There they were made to stand in the cold while roll call was taken. The process took well over an hour. Liesabet found herself in the second row, closest to the front and craned her neck to search for Corrie but could not see her among the weary sunken-in faces that all looked the same.

Turning her gaze back to the guards she nearly fell asleep as they droned on and on, reading aloud number after number. They looked so warm in their thick wool coats and tall leather boots, she thought as she wrapped herself tighter in her over-sized jacket and stamped her aching feet to keep warm as her breath rose sharply in the air. She noticed much to her disgust, one of the soldiers, an older man, staring straight at her and pointing her out to one of the men beside him.

The rain from the night before had passed, leaving the sky blue with only faint whispers of the clouds that had darkened the skies for so long. The sun had begun its ascent and was already beginning to warm the suffering women in its early morning rays.

Liesabet's stomach growled loudly and she realized how hungry she was, she had not eaten at all yesterday and the exertion she had undergone had made the situation even worse. She hoped that there would be some food to eat soon.

"72919", she heard a voice call and she looked up sharply.

"Here", she replied and the next number was called.

The older soldier from before again had his gaze fixated upon her and it was beginning to make her feel most uncomfortable. His eyes roamed her body in a lustful manner and she felt exposed and violated. Her cheeks flamed with embarrassment and her heart pounded as she saw out of the corner of her eye, the flash of a leering smile.

As soon as roll call was over she melted herself into the crowd, terrified that he would try and stop her. They were led to a small barrack erected in a separate area to the left of the courtyard where to her relief, food was being distributed by two of the prisoners. A hunk of stale bread and a dented cup of black coffee was thrust at her as she passed them.

Food in hand she turned and headed away from the other women, sitting by herself near a pile of dirt. She devoured the bread quickly and sipped slowly at the coffee, wrapping her fingers around the warmth of the cup, savoring that simple pleasure.

"Morning Liesabet", she heard a familiar voice call and looked up to see Corrie walking towards her.

Liesabet smiled at her and patted the spot next to her. Sitting down and crossing her legs Corrie proceeded to eat her own breakfast.

"You look like you did get some rest after all", she said between bites.

Liesabet nodded and took another sip of her coffee that was quickly becoming cold. "Corrie how long have you been here?"

"A little over six months. But it feels like a life-time", she replied and turned to glance at Liesabet's face.

"Do you think we'll ever be free from here?"

"I don't know Liesabet. I dream and pray every night that it would be so, that I would wake up and all the guards would be gone and we could all just walk out the gates and go home. Do you have anyone back home?", Corrie asked quietly.

"My family is gone, but I have an aunt in Poland and my friend Rory. What about you?"

"My oldest brother is part of the Polish Resistance, he was out on a mission when the soldiers came, and so he was not caught with the rest of us. He's all I have left that I know of, Corrie answered sadly, I worry about him every day, that he will be betrayed or captured."

Both girls fell silent after that for a while, alone in their thoughts until Corrie nudged Liesabet to hurry and finish her breakfast.

"The guards are coming, they won't wait for us", she warned and drained the remaining bit of her coffee from her tin container, wiping her mouth on her filthy sleeve. Liesabet followed suit and stood along with Corrie and the rest of the women as the guards began to gather the women up again.

"Where are they taking us?", Liesabet asked turning to Corrie.

"To work, some of us will dig rocks out of the field, others will be sent to a factory a few miles away to haul machinery parts to trucks. I've done both though I'd rather be digging for rocks, it's better to be outside."

Several moments later they were separated into groups, Corrie ended up on her way to the factory and Liesabet was handed a shovel. She watched as Corrie and her group disappeared out the main gate and marched down the muddy road. She felt the crushing sense of loneliness overtake her again as her group made their way out the main gate as well and turned into the field.

Dread struck her very being as she saw where they were headed. The hill where she had watched her own mother be shot down in cold blood. They weren't going to be digging for rocks that day. Her legs began to feel like rubber as they passed through the matted and dewy grasses, growing closer and closer to the crest of the hill. Nausea and panic rose in her stomach.

The moment came when the mound of earth no longer withheld its secrets from view and she was forced to look upon the mass of human bodies strewn about its rear base. Liesabet's gaze roamed the area, searching for her mother half-hoping that she would not see her. The guards immediately separated the group in half and directed one to begin digging mass graves and the other to perform the grisly task of removing every stitch of clothing from the deceased victims.

Liesabet thankfully found herself in the group digging the graves, turned immediately and began to do so furiously, trying to ignore the horrific scene behind her. But it was impossible as the heart-wrenching sounds of vomiting and weeping reached her ears as the other unfortunate group was forced to begin their own task. Tears of her own streamed down her face as she tightened her grip on the splintering shovel and tore away at the frozen dirt.

The soldiers only tolerated so much before they began yelling at the women to shut up and be silent. When no one listened, one of them, a younger man with sandy blond hair and a cruel upturned nose fired a shot into the air from his pistol. The sound pierced the early morning air with a loud crack but even that did not accomplish much. No human could be expected to take in that much carnage with silence and lack of emotion.

Their lack of compliance infuriated the soldiers who went to an extreme measure to enforce their order. The younger one who had fired the shot before stepped forward and grabbed a hold of one unfortunate woman's hair and pulled her away from the group, bringing her to where everyone could see. She kicked and screamed but it was no use, she was too weak and frail to put up much of a fight.

Leveling the pistol at her trembling head the soldier commanded once more everyone to be silent. This time the weeping ceased as heads raised and work ceased. Time stood still for the woman in the soldier's arms. No one dared to make a sound.

"Wollen Sie alle schweigen, Will you all be silent?", the soldier demanded loudly and a few of the officers who accompanied him chuckled as they watched the scene unfold.

The women nodded slowly, terrified for the victim at gunpoint. She trembled violently as her young face contorted with fervent and un-readable emotions. Her knees went limp and her green eyes flickered. The soldier holding on to her let her fall to the ground and cocked his pistol.

Liesabet's heart pounded and she looked away, clenching her teeth and waited for what she knew was coming. A moment later she heard it. Her gaze jerked back to the woman who now lay still and unmoving on the ground, a pool of blood growing under her matted hair.

"Wieder an die Arbeit! Back to work!", the soldier barked.

Not a sound was heard from then on.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." ~courtesy of one of history's funniest men, Groucho Marx. ^_^
  





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Sun Jan 02, 2011 1:59 pm
borntobeawriter says...



OH Lord, Day,

This was good writing. This was freaking good writing! I can't believe there aren't more people following this; it deserves to be read in mass numbers!

YOu have such a way of describing that makes us feel the chill of the morning air, and read while her mouths hang open, hoping, praying, that the soldier won't.....! But...he did. How sad.

I have no nitpicks -as usual. Keep up the great work. Let me know when you post more, ok?

Tanya
  





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Tue Feb 01, 2011 7:11 pm
Kiwisatsuma says...



Hi again, Day! :D

Aargh, I had a review for this about a third typed out and then the internet went and closed down, so, here we go again. XD But anyway, this story continues to be great. I really like how well you describe the setting of the camp - I can really visualize everything as it's happening. It really shows that you've done research about what it was like. This review may well end up being me going on about tiny grammatical things again, because there's not much I can say about the story as a whole when it keeps on being so darn good! :D

There are still some issues with dialogue punctuation. Something you do often is put a comma outside the closing speech marks, when it needs to go inside:

"You look like you did get some rest after all", she said between bites.


Should be "after all," she said. I suppose it's pretty tedious go go through and correct all this stuff, but it does tend to draw readers out of the story a bit if you keep noticing little things like this as you read. :smt001

"You need rest, she told Liesabet, mornings come early here and you will have to work", she whispered and stroked Liesabet's back.


If you include a "she said" in the middle of a sentence, that needs to be seperated from the speech by speech marks, so it would be "You need rest," she told Liesabet. "Mornings come early here and you will have to work," she whispered and stroked Liesabet's back.

This happens again later on:

"My oldest brother is part of the Polish Resistance, he was out on a mission when the soldiers came, and so he was not caught with the rest of us. He's all I have left that I know of, Corrie answered sadly, I worry about him every day, that he will be betrayed or captured."


Get up schmutzig schweins!

Nouns need to be capitalized in German. Also, the plural is usually made by adding -e or -en instead of -s, and there should probably be an adjectival ending on the word before. I'm guessing it's probably "schmutzige Schweine", but the adjective is quite possibly wrong there, so it would be best to check it with someone knowledgeable if you can. XD

Wollen Sie alle schweigen

'Wollen' is 'to want'; 'werden' is 'to be' or 'to become' (this one always trips me up. XD). So this should be something along the lines of "Werden Sie alle schweigen sein?"

That ending, wow... it was pretty chilling. I like the way you get across the harsh realities of their daily life, and I love the friendship forming between Liesabet and Corrie. So, I can't really think of much to say about this chapter overall, other than that it's great as usual. I do think you should take care not to make it too repetitive. How to write the boredom and misery of a camp, without making it boring and miserable for the reader (not that you are, of course! I'm finding this story really fascinating) is one of the challenges of writing a story about the Holocaust, I suppose. But then, I'm jumping ahead here because as the title implies, there will probably be moments of hope amid the sadness, and that's, to me, what makes stories like this worth reading.

I have a tendancy to thought spew when I write reviews (as you've probably noticed XD), and I'm not sure if any of this last paragraph actually made any sense, but anyway, thanks for the read, and hopefully I'll get onto the next chapter soonish! :)
  





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Fri Feb 25, 2011 4:10 am
Azila says...



Hi! Sorry I haven't reviewed this in so long--I had to take a week pretty much completely off from YWS because of schoolwork. Anyhow, I'm back now! ^_^

Okay. I'm afraid I'm sort of running out of things to say about this. I mean, it's still really well written and heart-wrenchingly sad, and I'm still impressed by your commitment to research, and I still love your detached but poignant way of writing. I still think I would like some more spatial description, but you already know you need to work on that, so I'm not going to talk too much about it. I would like to know how big the mound is--and how many bodies there are. I know this sounds really morbid, but I sort of feel like if there is something that horrific, it would make a really clear and lasting impression on Liesabet, and if it makes in impression on her it should make an impression on the reader, too, right? You're not big into descriptions, I've noticed. You like to describe just what's necessary and then move on. That's fine, but you might want to think about having more vivid descriptions of the things that make the biggest impressions--that could make them pop out more.

Another thing that I've already mentioned but I want to mention again is dialogue punctuation. Kiwisatsuma gave you some great examples, and I know you've gotten comments about this from others before as well... but I really can't stress enough how important this is. See, there's a problem with writing on the Internet--if you read something on the web, you don't think of it the same as if you'd read it on paper. It inherently seems less professional. To combat this, you have to make sure your writing is extra professional-sounding. ^_~ Dialogue punctuation really isn't that complicated--and I know you're smart. If you put some thought into it, you'll have it down in no time. But it's really important that you do put thought into it because it will change how people read your writing. Here are some articles about it that might help you out (but please feel free to PM me anytime if you've got questions!):
How To Punctuate Dialogue Correctly
Punctuation within Dialogue
Dialog Punctuation
Those are just a few, but I hope they help!

Another thing that I noticed is that she isn't really thinking about her mother very much. I think I may have said this before (goshdarnit, I just can't think of anything new today, can I?!) but I'd like to elaborate. Her mom just died, and while she does seem shaken up, her emotional distress doesn't really seem so much attached to her mother in particular as just because of her whole predicament. I'd like to see some more mother-specific mourning. For example, you mention that she's lonely, but I don't really feel the loneliness. What if you made her have some flashbacks of her mother? Or wishing that her mother was there now to (for example) stroke her hair like she used to do when Liesabet was little? I think some really specific examples of how much she misses her mother would really help drive home how upset Liesabet is by her death. Also, she witnessed her mother dying--maybe make that more traumatic? I have never experienced something like that (thank heavens) but I imagine it would haunt you for the rest of your life... the vision would flood your mind whenever you closed your eyes, and whenever it was quiet you'd think you heard the gun firing, the body falling.... You don't have to make it overly graphic, but I really think you can't overdo the emotional scar that something like that would leave on someone--especially on a young girl who has lost so much.

Oh! There is something that I noticed in this chapter which I haven't talked about yet: her cello. Doesn't she miss it? My brother plays the cello quite seriously and he misses it if he doesn't touch it for a day or two. I know she's going through a lot right now and it's hard to make her think about all these things (her mother, Rory, the cello, her father...) but it's just that in the first few chapters you really made it seem like her cello was a huge part of Liesabet's character. Now, when it's gone suddenly I'd like to see her missing it more.

One way I think you could incorporate all these things is through dreams and flashbacks. You had a little dream scene with Rory, but I think you could really elaborate on that. If you make the dreams beautiful then that will show more how ugly and disgusting the real life is when she wakes up. And throughout the day, while she is working and all, she could be thinking about these things. She doesn't have to be a dreamer if that's not who her character is, but she feels a little bit too numb right now, I think. If, on the other hand, you want her to be numb (numb with shock, or something) then I suggest you emphasize that too. Mention her noticing that she isn't feeling anything, if you don't want her to feel anything.

Basically the issue right now is that I'm not sure what her reaction is to all of this. Knowing how she responds to the trauma would help the reader get to know her and feel for her a lot better, I think, and it would help the whole thing feel more immediate.

Well, I hope that helped! I should be able to get to the rest of this over the next few days. *fingers crossed*

a
  








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