Young Writers Society

*** This story is deleted -for the time being. Sorry.

DeadEndsAreOptional wrote:
Hi Deadends,
I'm a fan of historical fiction and World War Two. I like how you start on the homefront, since so many people write about the battle and the soldiers though the citizens in the states gave to the war effort as much as the soldiers. Here are some of the problems I found.

I’m embarrassed to say, that I was still foolish and mischievous.
With the that you don't need the comma. If you read it with the pause a comma puts in the sentence, it sounds wrong.

I didn’t care much for anyone besides myself. All I thought about was growing up and leaving the reanky dink town I called home.
I believe it's rinky dink.

I had a loving family, great friends, and a place to call ‘home’.
Periods and commas always go inside the quotation marks. I know those aren't quotation marks, but they serve the same purpose.

Leaving me, with my selfish ways, the head of the family. To care for Ma and my sisters.
The first part of this sounds off. I think you need to add as before the. The second part of this is a fragment. You can add it to the sentence before this and have it be part of the sentence with no problem.

The money I earned from my job was so little and not enough to care for us.
This doesn't sound right. If you got rid of so little, leaving my job wasn't enough to care for us, it would sound better.

It was a fourth month after the war started when I came home to find Lila sitting quietly in the corner.
The, not a.

She was so pale, I believed she was sick.
This is a run-on. Put a semi-colon or a period where the comma is.

Dear Mrs. Bird & Family:

We are sorry to inform you but your husband, George Bird, has been killed in action.
You have two independent clauses (complete sentences) joined by a conjunction. You need a comma before the but.

We deeply grieve the lost of your husband.
the loss
Sincerely,

The United States Army

That letter changed us.
I would like a little description as of how.

Ma started yet another job. When the younger siblings were at school, Lila would watch neighbor children. That brought in a few more dollars. It still wasn’t enough.
If this wasn't during the war, you'd be correct with the fact that three jobs and a little baby sitting money wouldn't be enough, but during the war, America was almost out of the Depression. Three jobs would be plenty. Think of all the mothers left by themselves in the war. That part wasn't quite realistic.

I like the topic and the setting. So far, the little that I've gotten to know of them, I like the characters. I would like to see the main character mature as he accepts the responsibility placed upon him.
If you want me to review your next part just click the second link on my signature and request a review.
Megsug

Thank you for the review, it's really helpful. I'll be sure to tell you to when I put the second part up, if you wish to read the next part.

Hello! World War 2! It is one the most interesting time periods for me. Plus I love historical fiction. It is my favorite genre. Anyway, I noticed that the viewer before has already mentioned the spelling and grammatical errors so I we refrain from repeating. I like that you started the story off in the States, it was simple and let us get to know a bit of the characters. I wish though, that you had more descrption of the characters. We don't even know what the MC is like in apperance. You always want to explain your character and others as soon as possible, I have found.
I like the part about the letter. It was heart-wrenching and added a "real" feel to the situation.So far, I like this. It has potential to be good. Keep it up. Just work on those few points. Make us care about the story and the characters. Great job! *likes*

Thank you for the review ballerina13. It was very helpful to me.

I have just posted the second part up, if anyone wants to read it please go here: post815161.html#p815161

All I thought about was growing up and leaving the rinky dink town I called home.

We are sorry to inform you but your husband, George Bird, has been killed in action. We deeply grieve the loss of your husband.

just thought i'd let you know of a few mistakes i noticed, still it started off as a good story! great job!

Thank you for your review, destiny110!

Hello, I'm here to review!(:

Okay, just informing you, it's very important to research, research, and research more about WWII. It's always important before writing a historical novel, you want to know what your talking about so it's as close as you can get it. I'm currently working on a WWII novel as well, and I used this website for information:
http://www.angelfire.com/retro2/lisanos ... style.html

It talks about daily life, along with technology and such. Also, it talks about what women had to do during the War. Also, many young men would lie about their age to fight because then, they believed it was their duty to fight, and they would feel guilty if not. Also, you could mention what the father earned during fighting (I'm pretty sure it was $50 a month), and when he dies, I believe the family would get $10,000 yearly, you may need to re-research that again. I may be wrong. Everything else I caught was already mentioned before, so I won't revisit that.(:

Other than that, good start, I'm curious about what will happen to Stanley later on.(: