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Little Tommy and the Red Coats Preface/Chapter 1



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Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:39 pm
Forestqueen808 says...



Preface

Grace and I
Have been heaven blessed
With a little Tommy too.

We fear his life span will be very short,
For at the age of Sixteen years and four short moons,
He’s been called to defend our fort.

A bloody battle is raging on,
Against our very own kith and kin.
We never know from day to day
When the fires will come raging in.

We pray to our maker in heaven above,
To let us live through this fiery rage,
And let our dear son live
To read a manly age.

Great grandfather would be saddened,
To see his river’s bend,
Once so calm and peaceful,
Now a bloody den.

-Anonymous

March 18th 1777



Snow is finally beginning to melt off the dark, slender branches outside my window. Its been a long, cold winter in Tom’s River, New Jersey, named after my great grandfather. I will wait until the the thick blanket of white has dissapeared before joining Washington’s men in Morristown.

Aye, I was called to serve in Washington’s army. Mother can hardly look at me now without bursting out in tears. I suppose I shall cry when I leave as well. Father tells me to be safe and I know Mary, though she is only thirteen, will have a lad of her own when I return home, if I return home.

I will miss dearest Elizabeth. We plan to get married as soon as this bloody war is over. Her father does not protest. Her mother however encourages her to meet other men, fearing that I will not return. Little does she know that many of the men in our town are also coming with me to Morristown. Elizabeth will not have many lads here.

We both have hope that I will return home, we have prayed to Our Maker Above, and know that he will grant me my life. However fear still hangs thickly in the air. I am not afraid to die, I am just afraid that I will be without my family, my Elizabeth.

I must finish packing now. I will write in this small leather book my father gave me soon. Maybe I shall be in Morristown, eating meals beside General Washington himself.

-Tommy


Little Tommy closed the book he had received for his sixteen birthday and placed the feather quill down on his desk. He sighed, glancing out the window once more at the crystal drops dripping from the apple tree.

Running his fingers through his thick auburn hair, he began to wonder if he would make it through the war. Elizabeth and him had so many plans, so many sights to see, so many wonderful things to do. He didn’t know if he would be able to leave all those plans and dreams behind.

The sun slowly began to dip into the hills, reminding Tommy of the passing time. He quickly rose, straightening his jacket and grabbing his hat and a small quilt. Quietly and swiftly he left his place by the fire and slipped out of his home.

He knew this road like the back of his hand. He had walked it in the spring time when the flowers were blooming, in the summer, when the Martingales were singing. In the fall, he had walked against the chilling wind, and in the winter he had walked it with snow crunching beneath his feet.

As Thomas approached the door he saw the flicker of a candle inside and the swift movement of a lace curtain covering the window. The door silently creaked open and there she stood. He flashed a smile at the sight of her in her sapphire blue dress that matched her eyes. Blond ringlets fell from her stylish bun and rested beside her ears that were adorned with freshwater pearl earrings he had given to her for her fifteenth birthday.

Tears glimmered in her deep blue eyes as she looked at him with sorrow and fear, that she would never see him again. They stood there in silence for a moment, until she could not take it any longer. She rushed to him, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him with tears cascading down her face.

“Don’t go, please don’t go. Let the other men fight,” she whispered. She looked up into his dark brown eyes. “You need to protect your family, please, stay here with me.”

“I can’t Elizabeth,” he whispered, his heart breaking as he looked into her eyes. “I love you, I will come back to you. As long as you keep me in your thoughts.” He wiped away her tears, holding his own back.

“Oh I will Tommy! I’ll pray for you every day, I’ll pray that He sends you home safely.”

Tommy held her close, breathing in the scent of her lilac perfume, hoping this would not be the last time he would be able to hold her like this. “I love you so much Elizabeth, you and no other.”

She looked up at him and kissed his cheek softly, “And I you.”

“Let’s go,” he whispered, grabbing her hand.

She nodded and together they set off down the road. They stopped halfway, cutting through a field as silently as the wind. They continued, the sound of rushing water filling their ears as they approached their place, the place where they had first met so many years ago.

Tommy laid down the small quilt on the grass and they sat on it, looking up past the trees and at the stars that were now beginning to appear in the inky sky. He looked down into the creek, the reflection of the moon like a shimmering lantern.

They sat in silence, each remembering a warm summer day, that seemed so long ago. The flowers had all been in bloom and everyone was shriveling in the heat. Tommy had been twelve, Elizabeth eleven. He was fishing on the bank with his friend, Samuel. Elizabeth had come to the creek for a chance to cool off. That was when Tommy had first laid eyes on the spunky, blond-haired blue-eyed girl.

“How many children do you want to have?” Elizabeth asked, breaking the collage of memories in Tommy’s mind.

“Oh I don’t know, five?” he replied, smiling. “I want at least two sons.”

“Names?”

“Isn’t it a little early?” he asked, flashing a grin as she laid back against him.

“I might as well start planning.”

“I want at least one to be named Thomas…it’s a family name and…”

“Barzilla,” Elizabeth cut him off. “Its my grandfather’s name.”

Tommy smiled, looking up in the stars, wondering how on Earth he would be able to leave this place.

“Tommy?”

“Yes?”

“Mother wants me to meet others…but…if we are officially…well,” she paused, biting her lip. “What I’m trying to say is…”

“Yes?” he asked again, holding back a chuckle.

“Oh Tommy! I want us to get married!”

Tommy smiled, “Aye, so do I, but we can’t until I return.”

“Oh why not?”

“This war will be over in two years, by then you will be old enough to be a wife and a mother. We are still children Elizabeth, as much as we hate to admit it.” He looked at her with shining eyes. “But, I would like to know…” He stood up, pulling her up beside him. “Elizabeth Lydia Bray, will you wait for me to return home from this war, and then,” he paused. “Do the honor of becoming my wife?”

Elizabeth burst into tears as she threw her arms around him once more. “Yes! A thousand times yes!” She kissed him, tears brushing onto his face. “Just promise me, that you will return home safely.”

“I promise.” As he held her in his arms, he couldn't help but wonder if he would be able to keep his promise.
Last edited by Forestqueen808 on Tue Jun 14, 2011 5:54 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





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Mon Jun 13, 2011 8:17 pm
AmeliaCogin says...



Hello again. Very nice. Very, very nice. The tone is controlled, and your storytelling is gentle and not at all over-prosed. The only problems I had with this piece were very minor, and I will point them out to you now ;)

Forestqueen808 wrote:Preface

Grace and I
Have been heaven blessed
With a little Tommy too.

We fear his life span will be very short,
For at the age of Sixteen years and four short moons,
He’s been called to defend our fort.

A bloody battle is raging on,
Against our very own kith and kin.
We never know from day to day
When the fires will come raging in.

We pray to our maker in heaven above,
To let us live through this fiery rage,
And let our dear son live
To read a manly age.

Great grandfather would be saddened,
To see his river’s bend,
Once so calm and peaceful,
Now a bloody den.

-Anonymous
- [b]Very nifty introduction: intruging and sets the mood.
March 18th 1777[/b]


Snow is finally beginning to melt off the dark, slender branches outside my window. Its been a long, cold winter in Tom’s River, New Jersey, named after my great grandfather. I will wait until the snow is completely melted - you've already used 'snow' and 'melting' ^^^, try something different, like: the blanket of white had thawed - before joining Washington’s men in Morristown.

Next:
Forestqueen808 wrote:sixteen
- sixteenth


Forestqueen808 wrote:her ears that were adorned
which were adorned


Forestqueen808 wrote: “Do you remember when we met?” he asked her, looking at the reflection of the moon in the rushing water of the creek.
Elizabeth smiled, “how could I forget?”
- nice prose, but their words are SO cliched.

Forestqueen808 wrote:Tommy smiled, looking up in the stars, wondering how on Earth he would be able to leave this
what - the dreadful name or the place?

Now, the ending. What about adding something at the end, something mysterious and sinister, like: It was a promise he may not have been able to keep? Up to you. I hope this review helped. I actually can't wait to read more. Keep posting!
~ Alia
  





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Mon Jun 13, 2011 9:14 pm
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TabbyGirl says...



Good day X)

Um... okay, well, I have to admit, the biggest issue I have is probably with "Elizabeth." I mean... take this, for example.

“I can’t Elizabeth,” he whispered,


Weird... I read this, and an image of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly popped into my head o.O I mean, there's nothing wrong with the name per-say, but, I think it's the fact that Elizabeth IS Elizabeth that frustrates me. You know? This girl just seems like a stereotypical Elizabeth; a pretty young girl in the 1700s with blond hair and blue eyes, her boyfriend who's going off to war and all... it was just like... really? And I hate to say that, because she's your character, and you probably put a lot of thought into her, but... she did feel a little Mary-Sue-esque. Which reminds me! His little sister's name is Mary! (I assume, from what I read that she's his little sister, at least) Again, nothing wrong with the names, and since we haven't met Mary yet I can't criticize her, but I would give Elizabeth some flaws... maybe a pet name too. Beth? That would be cute... She just seemed... flawless. She smelled good, looked good, she was sweet as a lollipop and eager to marry and start producing children (to put it bluntly :P)

I think, perhaps, there was a similar issue with Thomas... he's boring! (again, blunt, sorry...) He's a dude who likes a girl and is going off to war... he doesn't even seem scared about the war! All he's worried about is his girlfriend, which sort of makes since since they're quite infatuated with each other, but everyone has this part of their brain that makes them NOT want to die. I think he needs to act a little more... frightened.

After saying all that, please note that it read very well. I enoyed it, I did! I just want it to be as good as it possibly can ^^

Here's some tips about Mary-Sues: topic71616.html. And, since your new, let me just explain that a Mary-Sue (Or Gary-Stu) is a character that is, essentially, perfect, and therefore, boring as heck.

Hope I helped! And welcome XD

--
Tabby


EDIT:

Oh weird, I was totally under the impression you were a new member :O where did that come from?! Sorry!!
  





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Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:36 pm
Wranna says...



I really liked this, although when he was reminiscing about how he and Elizabeth met I would have liked it if he got more in detail about how they met and why they were both out there. Tommy just needs to have more of a history, he needs something that makes him act the way he does. Like, why does he go out to this spot? And, why does he walk along the road throughout the year? Does this place and the walk calm him? Does he have happy memories there? Just give your characters more depth and history, you don't have to tell us every part of their history but you should know every little detail about them.
Also I really liked the poem at the beginning, I thought it really set the mood of the story.
"Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak" Albus Dumbledore
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live" Albus Dumbledore
  





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Sat Jul 30, 2011 1:03 am
Fishr says...



'Ello!

First, I'm absolutely thrilled I am not the only one on YWS that writes about this period. Second, as an American Revolutionary re-enactor who is in their fourth year, the Northern Brigade believe it or not, typically focus on Burgoyne's Saratoga Campaign or the "Turning Point" of the war. So, I'm very familiar with the date, 1777. That is, if you have questions, feel free to send a PM since I'm more likely to get back to you quicker.

Now, on to the good stuff! At first, as I read, I wasn't so sure if I was will to accept all the flowery discription. However, as I progressed, I am still pleasently surprised about the amount of control you have over your characters. Often times, when discussing, and in this case, writing, the popular Civil War, details, central conflicts, clothing, oh the whole thing becomes muddled and just a mess. Ick.

It is clear you have at least prepared yourself with the basic knowledge of Eighteenth Century culture. You know that the people then were by far more mature, and courting could ONLY take place with premission from the father or head of the household. It was not uncommon for teens to marry as young as sixteen but was typically done to improve financial gain or some type of substancial worth to the surname(s).

You tend to put a lot of emphasis on, "If I return..." This is overdone and redunant. The War was dubbed many titles but most Americans know it by American Revolution, and it was a long one. We knew before starting, the loss of life was high, but interestingly, statistically more lives were lost in the prisons, not the battles. You may want to look into HMS Jersey, a Brit warship turned into a POW, and the conditions were horrendous. "Call up your dead!" was a phrase recorded by the guard who in many cases went as much as three days before he decided to check on the prisonor's "well being."

To help with visual ideas on at men's clothes, here are a few pictures of my civilian clothes when I'm not running around on a battlefield in 80 degree weather. xD

Image
(for warmer days, less clothing)

Image
(When I want to dull down my impression and appear like a shlep, middle class)

Image
(belt knife and it's scabbard. As a civilian, my impression starts in 1770-78, so I'm always armed to some degree)

Image
(for reference, you'll notice that my belt knife is simiar to this one's pattern)

Image
(me, in my civilan clothes. When in these, I protray a Loyalist)

Of course I have many more photos I can share if you are interested such as my Bess, original photos of edged weapons ( I am a collector), my Regimental and full kit when I'm a soldier, etc.

Enjoy writing about the Period of Enlightment! I enjoyed reading very much. :)
The sadness drains through me rather than skating over my skin. It travels through every cell to reach the ground. I filter it yet strangely enough, I keep what was pure and it is the dirt that leaves.
  








What's stopping you?
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