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Sharing light In Africa EXTENDED VERTSION



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Fri Jun 17, 2011 8:28 pm
PixieStix says...



Chapter 1If you could see this world. The trees and the braches. The bugs and animals. All of the beautiful life here in Africa. The land is filled with water. A lake by our dome. The fish swim across the water like flying birds, going across the sky. My Grandma picked up her bottle, made out of dried dirt and mud, and scooped up some fresh water from our well. Water dropped from the bottle, as she closed then twisted it slowly. The sky was getting dark. It started to get colder.

Everyone went inside. It was a thunderstorm. The trees started to blow in a sway. My grandma looked up at the sky and stood there very silent, she did not say a word. She turned her head down and looked at me. She grabbed my hand and walked slowly into our small dome. What was s e planning to do while the thunderstorm was happening? Make jewelry out of small bay coconuts I suppose. She went into the cabinet and took out 3 lanterns and 2 candles.

She took out 5 pieces of cloth and 2 plastic cups. She put the lanterns on the wood oak table. She put one cloth over each lantern. She put the candles in front of her, lit them and put the one plastic cup over each candle, then put a piece of cloth on each candle. Little light spreaded across the room. Then Grandma started making jewelry. I sat there stunned. My grandma always starts a conversation when we are bored out of our minds. But this time she did not say a thing. Today was the first thunderstorm ever in the history of Africa. So this is the time to celebrate. She looked up as a tear went down her cheek.

I looked at her, she looked at me. “what’s the matter grandma?” I asked. She put her hand on mine. It was as cold as Antarctica. I wanted to pull away. “ Today is the first storm ever seen or recorded in Africa Khaki. When I was a Young child my mother and me would take a walk on the sand looking up at the sky and see that there was no clouds. It was different back then. People heard about the storms and were terrified, including me. When we would walk outside and see a big puffy cloud in the sky, we got worried. Now it came true Khaki. I just want it to be the same.” She said sadly. “ Well, Grandma, it will be the same. You just got to wait for it to end. “ I also entered.

“ You do not understand Khaki. Once the storms enter Africa we, Africa will never be the same again. We will be in danger.” She said scared. “How grandma?” I asked.

“ Floods, Many sea creatures from the lake will die, all the animals won’t be able to eat the lake creatures and we eat those animals and then… They will die.” She said.

“But”- grandma cut me off. “ There’s no “But” anymore Khaki. You have to deal with the point that we may have another storm and that the animals may die here- you have make the best of it. Or we can move away. Or we can just wait and see what happens now.” She said again. “ I know Grandma.
But I do not want to leave here; I’ll miss my friends and my teacher. Please lets not move away. Lets just see what happens.” I begged.
“Fine Khaki. Just tell me if you change your mind.” She said.
“I will.” I agreed.

Chapter 2

Last night was a freighting night. I had never seen my grandma cry in such a way. I am now so careful. I got on my Pet donkey, Tumbler, and rode him to the drinking well. I filled up my bucket and rode home ready to put it in grandmas carton.

“Hello, Grandma. Are you feeling ok?” I asked.
“Yes my dear Khaki.” She replied. “ Well, if you need any help at your job just holler if so. “ I said. “ Actually Khaki I won’t to apologize to you for what I said last night.” She said. “NO! You are right I am never going to question you again. Everyone is talking about it.” I answered. “ I know.” She said back. “Why can’t we just live in peace and forget whatever happens, and just live like we were before?” I asked. “Because we just can’t.” She replied.

I walked out of the Dome and ran to my friend Maggie’s house. She was sewing with her mom. “Hello Mrs. Nequin. “ I said. “Hello, Khaki.” She answered back. “May I please speak with your daughter, Maggie?” I asked again. “Yes, you may, but do not be too long.” She said. “ Yes.” I said back.

I talked to her about what my grandma said. She laughed. “I’m serious.” I said. She believed me and went back inside her dome with her mother to finish her blanket for the winter. I ran back home to grandma. She was making pie and chicken soup for dinner and dessert. “ Grandma?” I asked.
“Yes dear?” She answered.

“Why do we have to worry about all this right now. We will be at least dead by the time something happens to Africa. Its just rain. In other states and countries there as been millions of rain forecasts before. Why should we worry about it?” I asked again.

“Because Khaki, many people in this world wish that their cities, countries and states would not disappear. We are lucky that this won’t happen for a long time. And this place hold precious memories.” She said.
But I knew it would not happen.

I went over to the baboon tree next to Church. I took out water. And poured the water on the tree. The sun glistened with light as a dark clouds passed above the sky. “Khaki!!!! Khaki where are you? Come here right this second a storm is coming!!!” My grandmother yelled. I went as fast as I could pour the water over the baboon tree. I finished and ran as fast as I could over to grandmother’s Dome. She was searching for me in the back yard. “I’m here Grandmother!!” I yelled.

Chapter 3

The Next morning Grandmother was washing pots as usual and singing her favorite tune…

“La,la,la
sha,sha,sha
water, water
ferrow,ferrow,ferrow.” She would sing.

All my life I’ve never known what that meant. I walked over to the well and filled up the chug of water, trying to figure it out. “ferrow,water?” I looked down at my water jug, “Water! Water!” “Ferrow,King,Ruler! I have to bring the water to the tribe chief!” The chief lived in a small decorative fort, guarded by 4 guards in all. He was a ruler like what the song meant.

My hair drifted in the wind my eyes with tears and my feet and shoes wearing off, took me far. My jacket with my dress spun and spun and drifted as well, as my hands shook and the water jug tipped a little every once in a while.

I got to the fort and the 4 guards stopped me scarcely and boldly. I tried to make myself look stronger and taller as I stood on my tiptoes trying to get face to face with one of the guards. I flipped my hair and shook my head to try to get them to think I am part of this tribe’s army. Because, most of the girls in the army do that to say that they are in the African army force of action to try to save this tribe. Most of the guard bought it but the one guard thought that I was playing a trick because he had never seen me before. “Well, I am part of the secret society, trying to catch the robber that has been stealing from the chief.” I said.
He still did not understand. He asked why I needed to get in. “ umm, I need to deliver a special secret liquid to the chief to spray on his special belongings so that the robber will not be touching anything suspicious.” I replied.

“ I see something suspicious here.” He said.
“tell me your full name,sargeant.” He demanded.

“ My full name is, Sergeant Brenda Lau Henson Jargon.” I said.

“Ok, you may go in, but, I am keeping an Eye on you.” He said.

“thank you sir.” I gestured to the door.

He opened it and I ran in with the water.

The floor was slippery and I fell. Thank goodness the water fell right side up. I stood back up and began walking, taking caution. I got to the dinner room, the silverware was set properly for the chief to have supper. Then it came to the chief’s bedroom, the diamond encrusted bed stool sat there with his bathroom right beside it. It had a shower and a toilet. Nothing else. The chief thinks that it’s best to keep the bathroom clean so he keeps the sink in the kitchen, next to it was the stove and the chef’s lounge. Then it came to the part I’ve been waiting for, the chief’s headquarters.

He was sitting tall and proud at his desk. “Excuse me sir,” I said. “ Is there any chance I could give you this special gift from the people of Africa?” I asked.

“Of coarse. Just set it down right there and scurry off.” He said. I set it down and ran away. The clouds disappeared, and Africa was back to normal.
All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie-dust!
  





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Fri Jun 17, 2011 8:29 pm
PixieStix says...



Leave comments please!!

~pixie~
Liv,Laugh,Glow :D
All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie-dust!
  





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Sat Jun 18, 2011 9:24 pm
AmeliaCogin says...



Hello Pixie! I'll just be reviewing the first chapter of your novel today, as I haven't so much time this evening! I promise that I will read and review chapter two soon, but, for now, I'll stick with nitpicking chapter one!
Alright, so, I liked this. Your prose is simple yet paced, and your voice as the author is lovely. I'll go through it for you now. ;)
Pixie2 wrote: The fish swim across the water like flying birds, going across the sky
I don't like this sentence. Fish swimming is very different to birds flying. Either find a new simile or scrap the sentence altogether.

Pixie2 wrote:Water dropped from the bottle, as she closed then twisted it slowly.
You don't need a comma there.

Pixie2 wrote:The trees started to blow in a sway
- bad sentence. It's a thunderstorm! The trees wouldn't sway - they'd be wrenched by the violent winds!

Pixie2 wrote:My grandma looked up at the sky and stood there very silent, she did not say a word
replace the comma with a colon :)

And, I've just run out of time! I'm sorry! I'll be back tommorow! Have a lovely day!
~ Alia
  





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Sun Jun 19, 2011 8:34 pm
AmeliaCogin says...



Back again...Where were we? ;)

Pixie2 wrote:My grandma looked up at the sky and stood there very silent, - she did not say a word. She turned her head down and looked at me. She grabbed my hand and walked slowly into our small dome. What was she planning to do while the thunderstorm was happening? Make jewelry out of small bay coconuts I suppose. She went into the cabinet and took out 3 lanterns and 2 candles.
Pixie2 wrote:She took out 5 pieces of cloth and 2 plastic cups.

Whoa - this paragraph is Far too specific. You really don't need to record every little detail of what Grandma does - the tale becomes somewhat monotomous. And, if you insist on recording numbers, you should pen them in their written form She put the lanterns on the wood oak table. She put one cloth over each lantern. She put the candles in front of her, lit them and put the one plastic cup over each candle, then put a piece of cloth on each candle. Little light spreaded across the room. Then Grandma started making jewelry. I sat there stunned. My grandma always starts a conversation when we are bored out of our minds. But this time she did not say a thing. Today was the first thunderstorm ever in the history of Africa. So this is the time to celebrate. She looked up as a tear went down her cheek.


Now, I'm not going into all your speech. It's not been executed well, I'm sorry to say. Stick with the rules:

1) whenever you use dialogue, if you're starting or a different person speaks, speech always goes on a new line.
2) Capitalise the first letter when you use dialogue

How's that? I hope my review's helped you some!
~ Alia
  





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Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:41 pm
PixieStix says...



Thanks
~Pixie2~
Li,love,laugh:D
All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie-dust!
  





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Fri Jul 08, 2011 6:52 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Pixie! Here as requested! :D

All right, so first of all I think you have an interesting storyline here. I have to admit, I'm rather confused as to just what is going on. The main character, Khaki (?), seemed to be a young girl at first, and then in the last part I got the impression that Khaki was now an adult with a job in the military? Or was she masquerading as one?

One of the major issues I had with this is your lack of descriptions. I really didn't get a very good idea of what anyone looked like or what the surroundings were like. You described the oncoming storm pretty well, and that was easy to follow and understand, but the rest of it was very unspecific. When you're writing a story, you're essentially showing a movie through words. And there just wasn't enough for me to get a good idea and image of the story you're trying to show me. You hurry through the telling and I feel like it's rushed and confusing; I want to read a story that'll hook my interest and keep it as I get immersed in the characters' lives and situations they're going through.

Another thing you should consider working on is your sentence structure. True, it's not great to have a lot of run-on sentences, but the opposite is true as well -- too many short, simple sentences makes it feel choppy and not so smooth of a read. For example, take these few sentences:
Everyone went inside. It was a thunderstorm. The trees started to blow in a sway. My grandma looked up at the sky and stood there very silent, she did not say a word. She turned her head down and looked at me. She grabbed my hand and walked slowly into our small dome.

There's a lot of "stop and go" throughout this short amount of space, and it makes it hard to read. You could very easily add more details and merge some of these, so it has a continuous, lilting sound:
Everyone went inside to get out of the way of the oncoming thunderstorm. The trees started to sway in the gathering wind; the sky darkened with clouds full of rain. My grandma looked up and stood there very silently, before turning her head down to me. She took my hand and we walked slowly into our small dome.

See how that gives it more of a story sound and gives a bit more of an image for the reader?

As Amelia said, you should write out the numbers; any number less than 10 needs to be written out in its word form instead of a numeral.

One more thing I noticed is your dialogue. Basically, every time someone new speaks, you should make a new paragraph. It makes it a lot simpler to be able to tell who's speaking. I'd like you to take a look at this post about dialogue punctuation, which does an excellent job of explaining where commas and periods and capital letters and such should be placed.

All right, so that's all I have to say for now. Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot! Hope this helps. Cheers! =)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  








"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso