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Rosemary - Chapter 1



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Fri Jul 15, 2011 6:16 am
JoyceSparrows says...



Spoiler! :
This is the first chapter of my first novel. Exciting, isn't it?I stayed up crazy late so that I could finish this. So um, yeah... read and review away!


***1904***


The sun rose over the small town of Balsam Creek. In the distance a horse was pulling a medium sized buggy. Its destination was a little house nestled in the trees right beside the creek that the town itself was named after. There was a swing that hung from a large maple tree. It looked like it could have once been used by many children in play, but now it just gently swung in the breeze; sad and unused. The laughter of children was long gone from the house and the gardens that surrounded it.

Standing in front of the house was a young woman, wearing simple clothes. Her creamy white skin contrasted with the dark chestnut hair done up in a plain tuck. Waiting, she gazed around, her large brown eyes looked wistful. She seemed unaware of the person who stepped out behind her—a girl only a couple of years younger than herself, who shared similar traits, except for her hair which was much lighter and tumbled loosely down her back.

“Cheer up, dear sister,” she said standing beside her and putting her arms around the woman’s shoulders, “you should be excited to go on this adventure!”

“Hester, this isn’t exactly an adventure. I’m going, not by choice, but because there are no other options. If I don’t marry soon, we will have no income. Besides, how would you feel if you had to go off and get married to some complete stranger?”

“Now, Rosemary, that isn’t fair you know exa—”

Just then the buggy pulled up in front of them and a man jumped off.

“I am to assume that this is the Sonnet house?” he said, picking up the suitcases that stood in front of Rosemary.
“Yes this is. I’m Rosemary Sonnet; the one you will be taking to the train station. This is my sister, Hester Sonnet.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you both, I’m Jack Langley.” Mr. Langley turned and started to load the cases into the back of the buggy.

They watched him for a bit, until Hester broke the silence, “You will write me once you get to Uncle’s.”

“Oh, Hester, of course I will!” Rosemary leaned over and affectionately embraced her sister. “I will miss you very much.” She said holding on to Hester’s hands.

“So will I! If you do get married, Rosemary, won’t you and your husband come back to live here? There’s plenty of room in this house.”

“I don’t know, the man that Uncle wants me to marry is quite wealthy and he probably already has a large manor that he wishes us to live in,” she smiled fondly at Hester, “but don’t worry about that. Just think, I will have enough money to visit you all the time, and you can come see me as well. Then our time spent together will be more special than what it is when we see each other every day.”

Finished with the loading, Mr. Langley walked up. “Are you ready to go yet, Miss Sonnet?”
“Yes, I am,” She turned to Hester, “I guess that this is goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Rosemary.”

“Farewell.” She said and kissed Hester on the cheek. After giving her hands a gentle squeeze, she walked over to 2the buggy where she was helped in by Mr. Langley.

Mr. Langley climbed into his seat, and with a tongue click and a snap of the reins, the horse and buggy were off. Rosemary leaned out the window and waved to Hester, who waved back. A few minutes later, she disappeared into the distance. Rosemary leaned back into her seat. She sat in silence as they made their way through the rugged Ontario landscape. Hundreds of trees lined their path. They climbed many hills and crossed many streams, but no one said a word. Shy by nature, this wasn’t at all unusual for Rosemary, who was perfectly content to stare off into the distance, deep in thought. The only sound that was made was the clop of the horse’s hooves as he plugged along on the dusty trails.

“Here we are, the North Bay train station,” Mr. Langley said as he opened the door of the buggy. “I know you’re on a tight schedule, Miss Sonnet, so I tried to get here as fast as I could—without overworking the horse, of course. I hope I haven’t put you behind.”

“No,” she said looking at her watch, “four hours was what I was expecting the trip to take. Thank you, Mr. Langley. My uncle said he has already paid you; is that correct?”

“Yes, Ma’am it is.”
“Well then, Goodbye, Mr. Langley.”

“Take care!”

Rosemary quickly made her way to the ticket counter.

“Good day, ma’am.”

“Good day, sir. Could I please buy a one way ticket to Ottawa?”

“Only one train leaves for Ottawa each day, and it has already arrived. You’ll have to hurry if you want to make it.”

She nodded, and after the exchange of coins for ticket, she rushed to the train. A young boy immediately came and took her things for storage. She boarded as the last call was being made. The whistle blew only seconds after she sat down. As the train slowly left the station, she gazed out the window. Sighing, she looked around the cabin at all the other passengers, wondering if any of them were as uncertain as she was. Watching them, she tried to imagine why these people were here. Where did they come from and where were they going? Some were smiling as they conversed with their companions. Children pressed their faces against the glass with eager expressions. A few people were already half asleep; but most just sat with blank looks on their faces.

It was the children that Rosemary was most interested in. They were laughing, playing, and bugging each other. A little boy grabbed a doll from his sister and she began to cry. They went on as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Occasionally, their mothers would chide them, especially the young girls, to behave themselves properly; they would apologize, then immediately continue on with their games. A smile started to form onto Rosemary’s mouth, and she began to think back to her own childhood…
Last edited by JoyceSparrows on Fri Jul 15, 2011 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Fri Jul 15, 2011 10:32 am
ziggiefred says...



Hello there :)
She seemed unaware of the person who stepped out behind who was a girl only a couple of years younger than herself.
This sentence is a little odd. I'm not sure what's missing or what should be removed.
“Hester, this isn’t exactly an adventure. I’m going, not by choice, but because I have, rather, we have no other options.
Another odd sentence.

“I am to assume that this is the Sonnet house?” he said(Comma) picking up the suitcases that stood in front of Rosemary.

“I don’t know, the man that Uncle wants me to marry is quite wealthy and he probably already has a large manor that he wishes us to live in; but don’t worry about that. Just think, I will have enough money to visit you all the time, and you can come see me as well. Then out time spent together will me more special than what it is when we see each other every day.”
Try breaking this up with actions the character may have been doing.

Mr. Langley climbed into his seat, and with a tongue click and a snap of the reins, the horse and buggy were off. Rosemary leaned out the window and waved to Hester, who waved back. A few minutes later, she disappeared into the distance. Rosemary leaned back into her seat. She sat in silence as they made their way through the rugged Ontario landscape. Hundreds of trees lined their path. They climbed many hill and crossed many streams, but no one said a word. Shy by nature, this wasn’t at all unusual for Rosemary, who was perfectly content to stare off into the distance, deep in thought. The only sound that was made was the clop of the horse’s hooves as he plugged along on the dusty trails.
I really like your writing in this paragraph

Okay, I think the major problem in this piece is that you did not proofread. There are some typos in there and I'm certain you'll tend to them. Also, you did not give any of the characters a clear image. You failed to describe any of them. There's going to be a flashback after this, it would have been great if you'd said something about maybe on or all the character's looks.

Aside from that, I should have to say that this is a great start. I feel you're headed in the right direction. Your writing is just lovely, the way you described the setting and all. I also like the general plot and how you're able to write in a language style used in the past; it's very convincing. I would definitely read more of this.

Keep writing and good luck!
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Sun Jul 31, 2011 1:50 pm
Lava says...



Hey there!

I like the story you have here! So, as soon as I think of historical, my head jumps to England, so you can imagine my pleasant surprise when you say Ontario and Ottawa which is in Canada... if my geography is all right!

This is a good start and I like how you set the tone for the rest of the story.

Pace: Historical fics generally have a slow pace, and I liked how you did yours. Although, the four hour gap could've been made a bit more realistic if you had stopped to add in a little more info in the previous paragraph.

MC : This is where I think you should work. Right now, we (as readers) barely know her, except for her physical appearance. I should like to know more of her thoughts and emotions as we progress along. That way, the reader can connect with Rosemary (whose name I love, btw!)

Plot : It starts off as a typical marry because you must situation. I do hope you manage to pull in some good twists and perhaps humour to make sure it doesn't bore the reader.

Cheers!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

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Sat Aug 06, 2011 4:00 am
WelcomingException says...



The sun rose over the small town of Balsam Creek. In the distance a horse was pulling a medium sized buggy. Its destination, a little (Brick? Wooden?) house nestled in the trees beside the creek that the town itself was named after. There was a swing that hung from a large maple tree nearby. It looked like it could have once been used by many children in play, but now it just gently swung in the breeze; sad and unused. The laughter of children was long gone from the house and the gardens that surrounded it. I like this Part!
Standing in front of the house was a young woman, wearing simple clothes. Her creamy white skin contrasted with the dark chestnut hair done up in a plain tuck. Good Description but put in the story very fast and all togther. Waiting, she gazed around, her large brown eyes looked wistful. She seemed unaware of the person who stepped out behind her—a girl only a couple of years younger than herself, who shared similar traits, except for her hair which was much lighter and tumbled loosely down her back.
“Cheer up, dear sister,” she said standing beside her and putting her arms around the woman’s shoulders, “you should be excited to go on such an adventure!”
“Hester, this isn’t exactly an adventure. I’m going, not by choice, but because there are no other options. If I don’t marry soon, we will have no income. Besides, how would you feel if you had to go off and get married to a complete stranger?”
“Now, Rosemary, that isn’t fair you know exa—”
Just then the buggy pulled up in front of them and a man jumped off.
“I am to assume that this is the Sonnet house?” he said, picking up the suitcases that stood in front of Rosemary.
“Yes this is. I’m Rosemary Sonnet; the one you will be taking to the train station. This is my sister, Hester Sonnet.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you both, I’m Jack Langley.” Mr. Langley turned and started to load the cases into the back of the buggy.
They watched him for a bit, until Hester broke the silence, “You will write me once you get to Uncle’s.”
“Oh, Hester, of course I will!” Rosemary leaned over and affectionately embraced her sister. “I will miss you very much.” She said holding on to Hester’s hands.
“So will I! If you do get married, Rosemary, won’t you and your husband come back to live here? There’s plenty of room in this house.”
“I don’t know, the man that Uncle wants me to marry is quite wealthy and he probably already has a large manor that he wishes us to live in,” she smiled fondly at Hester, “but don’t worry about that. Just think, I will have enough money to visit you all the time, and you can come see me as well. Then our time spent together will be more special than what it is when we see each other every day.”
Finished with the loading, Mr. Langley walked up. “Are you ready to go yet, Miss Sonnet?”
“Yes, I am,” She turned to Hester, “I guess that this is goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Rosemary.”
“Farewell.” She said and kissed Hester on the cheek. After giving her hands a gentle squeeze, she walked over to 2the buggy where she was helped in by Mr. Langley. I like this it's sad but still formal
Mr. Langley climbed into his seat, and with a tongue click and a snap of the reins, the horse and buggy were off. Rosemary leaned out the window and waved to Hester, who waved back. I thought the buggy was roofless? you might want to explain that more, if thats how you will potray it. Other words can be helpful, such as a couch A few minutes later, she disappeared into the distance. Rosemary leaned back into her seat. She sat in silence as they made their way through the rugged Ontario landscape. Hundreds of trees lined their path. They climbed many hills and crossed many streams, but no one said a word. Shy by nature, this wasn’t at all unusual for Rosemary, who was perfectly content to stare off into the distance, deep in thought. The only sound that was made was the clop of the horse’s hooves as he plugged along on the dusty trails. Good Imagery
“Here we are, the North Bay train station,” Mr. Langley said as he opened the door of the buggy. “I know you’re on a tight schedule, Miss Sonnet, so I tried to get here as fast as I could—without overworking the horse, of course. I hope I haven’t put you behind.” You don;t need to say, the over working the horse part, but id you feel its nessasary, keep it
“No,” she said looking at her watch, “four hours was what I was expecting the trip to take. Thank you, Mr. Langley. My uncle said he has already paid you; is that correct?”
“Yes, Ma’am it is.”
“Well then, Goodbye, Mr. Langley.”
“Take care!”
Rosemary quickly made her way to the ticket counter.
“Good day, ma’am.”
“Good day, sir. Could I please buy a one way ticket to Ottawa?”
“Only one train leaves for Ottawa each day, and it has already arrived. You’ll have to hurry if you want to make it.”
She nodded, and after the exchange of coins for ticket, she rushed to the train. A young boy immediately came and took her things for storage. Usally storage was kept with them at this timeShe boarded as the last call was being made. The whistle blew only seconds after she sat down. As the train slowly left the station, she gazed out the window. Sighing, she looked around the cabin at all the other passengers, wondering if any of them were as uncertain as she was. Watching them, she tried to imagine why these people were here. Where did they come from and where were they going? Some were smiling as they conversed with their companions. Children pressed their faces against the glass with eager expressions. A few people were already half asleep; but most just sat with blank looks on their faces.Good Imagrey
It was the children that Rosemary was most interested in. They were laughing, playing, and Teasing each other. A little boy grabbed a doll from his sister and she began to cry. They went on as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Occasionally, their mothers would chide them, especially the young girls, to behave themselves properly; they would apologize, then immediately continue on with their games. A smile started to form onto Rosemary’s mouth, and she began to think back to her own childhood…


I like the ending, from what I read on the novel cover, you are gong to start what we all want to know in the next chapter. I really like the imagry you potray in this chapter, I can really see the protagonist and the settings.

The sentances highlighted with blue is word choice, thouse sentances seemed very jumbled...

The words or phrases highlight in red is things I have changed.

The small sentaces inside or at the end of a paragraph highlighted in orange are just basic comments.

I hope this helps, Keep writing this, I like it and I will promise to comment on each chapter.

From yours Truly,
WelcomingExeption
What a Welcoming Exception *
  








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