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Reaching You: Introduction



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Fri Sep 16, 2011 12:02 am
gleek456 says...



(I'm so sorry this is short!)

"If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses..."

Effy closed her eyes, trying to keep the tears away from falling down her face. The song was unfortunate and beautiful, and fit the situation perfectly. Cameron Culpepper, her brother, best friend, and advisor, died. The situation was a very common one, Cameron was driving back with Effy from school, got a text, began texting, then crash! Dead. He's dead, gone, lost forever. The song was for his funeral, and all family and friends were gathered to say their goodbyes. Effy gulped as she attempted to open her eyes again to watch her brother's girlfriend sing the famous song without crying.

"Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby..."

Effy looked to her right, where her mother and sister sat. Mrs. Culpepper's tears came down before Cameron's girlfriend even started the song. Effy's younger sister was in the same state as Mrs. Culpepper too, and it just hurt her even more. Effy started crying too, and she buried her face in her hands.

I was in that car crash too. Why couldn't it have been me? Cameron was the good one, smart, and responsible. Mom always took pride in him, she thought to herself. She turned to see Mrs. Culpepper shaking her head towards the singer, and the music suddenly stopped. Effy started crying even more, but silently as Mrs. Culpepper, her sister, and her, walked up towards the casket.

Cameron just laid there, lifeless. Effy looked up to her mother. Why was she doing this? She knew that Mrs. Culpepper was trying to put on a strong face, but she was dying inside. Effy stiffened her back and looked down on the body.

Cameron looked absolutely nothing like Effy. He had dirty blonde hair, a very tall figure, and green eyes while Effy had dark brown hair, a petite figure, and dark brown eyes. It was almost if she had been adopted, that was what Cameron always joked around with. Effy smiled at the thought and noticed Mrs. Culpepper and her sister grabbing white roses from a nearby bouquet, and setting it in front of his picture frame. She followed them in suit, and stepped back so the ceremony could finally begin.

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Effy sat down on the Church steps, watching as family and friends offered Mrs. Culpepper and her sister condelences. She blinked and looked down to her feet. She was wearing black flats. Cameron would've always poked fun at her for choosing such a plain type of footwear. Effy closed her eyes, then felt someone sit beside her, and opened her eyes. It was Cameron's girlfriend, or should I say, ex.

"I never liked that song. It always gave me bad memories, and singing it during a bad event, is just plain sad," she said. Effy sighed.

"What is it, Cassie?" she asked. Cassie raised an eyebrow.

"Well, nothing. I'm just here to offer condelonces. Condelonces," she answered. Effy rolled her eyes at Cassie's idiotic mistake.

"It's condolences, smart one," Effy corrected her. Cassie rolled her eyes, making Effy sigh.

"Whatever. You're too down, and boring. I'm leaving," she declared, before skipping away. Effy raised an eyebrow. how could she be... happy? Her boyfriend just died, she doesn't know how to say condolences, what is with her? Effy sighed as her sister sat beside her.

"We're not going to lose you or mom, right?" she asked. Effy smiled and instantly hugged her.

"No. Never, Dianna," she answered. Effy was sure, but the question scared her. In due time, she's going to lose her mother, then it would be her turn, leaving Di to face the world all on her own. She pulled away from the hug and smiled at her sister weakly.

"We should go home. We're all tired, and we've got school tomorrow," she suggested. Dianna smiled back and nodded. The first day without Cameron is going to start tomorrow, and Effy has no idea how she's going to deal.

Author's Note: I've taken very extra careful with the past tense and present tense features. The song is "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry, and I absolutely cried when I heard it, and cried harder when I wrote this! The SB characters I've included in this chapter is Effy Culpepper (Greed. Need. Fame.) and Cassie Stonem (My Hunger Games). SB goes to their rightful owners. Thank you! :)
YOU'VE GOT THAT ONE THING
  





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Fri Sep 16, 2011 1:13 pm
Adriana says...



First of all, you did a great job here.
I really think you should introduce Cameron's character at the beginning. You know, to make us emphatize with him and, consequently, with Effy, for she is suffering his death. Maybe give us some details of his death too. Did he hit another car or what?
gleek456 wrote: Effy gulped as she attempted to open her eyes again to watch her brother's girlfriend sing the famous song without crying.

I think there should be some changes here. Suggestion: "Effy gulped as she attempted to open her eyes again and watch her brother's girlfriend, Cassie, sing the famous song. Why wasn't she crying? How could her voice sound so perfect and soft?"
I think you should say how much Effy is confused by Cassie not crying. And you definitely should say Cassie's name here, because you introduce her all of a sudden. Maybe describe her so we, the readers, can see if she is really not suffering or just hiding her feelings...
gleek456 wrote:"Well, nothing. I'm just here to offer condelonces. Condelonces," she answered. Effy rolled her eyes at Cassie's idiotic mistake.

"It's condolences, smart one," Effy corrected her. Cassie rolled her eyes, making Effy sigh.

That's exactly why you should describe Cassie and introduce her... It sounds like Effy has a problem with her. I would like to know how their relationship was like before Cameron's death.
Anyway, sorry if anything of what I said here sounds offensive or if it bothers you somehow. I really liked your story. That's exactly why I want to know more about the characters.
Congratulations and let us hear from you again soon
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.


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Fri Sep 16, 2011 3:59 pm
EvensLily says...



Heya!
I thought this story was really quite good, I enjoyed it a lot and I want to read more! Grammar and punctuation was okay, didn't really see any problems there... though like someone said before me, maybe you could work on your character with more depth. Other than that it was really good! :)
Love,
Evenslilyx
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