Young Writers Society

Alicia walked into class that morning.
"Ally!" Justine exclaimed, running up and hugging her. Followed by the rest of the class crowding around her asking her how she is, what happened and a huge series of other questions.
"Woah, guys, give a girl some space, you're gonna put me in the hospital again. Not cool." Alicia said with a smile, which was followed by a series of laughter.
"Glad to see you still have your sense of humor Ally!" said Zoe.
"She would never lose that!" said Ryan
"Glad to see you're all happy to have Ally back," Adriana said, walking in. "Now could you all get to your seats so we can start the lesson?"
Everyone split up and went back to their seats, and the lesson started.
"Okay, so last week we started talking about how Romeo and Juliet first met, Brad, can you give us a summary please?" She said
"Sure" Brad said, clearing his throat. "Okay, so Romeo was all depressed cause he was in love or something like that. So he and his buds decided to crash this Capulet party, and, well, Juliet was there and he put on some sweet moves." he smiled proudly, thinking he aced the question.
"Well, yes, but please don't write that in your final." Adriana said, smiling, followed by the whole class laughing.
"Wasn't he depressed 'cause he was crushing on a nun?" asked Jeremy
"Yeah, that has to suck!" Ryan said
"Yes, Romeo was in love with a nun, then he met Juliet-" Adriana started but Tyler cut her off
"And he got screwed over!" He said, the whole class laughing.
"Okay, I think that's enough discussion!" Adriana said.
As she turned on her heel to write something on the board, her half brown half blonde hair swished onto her back in a beautiful wave of colour, funny enough, it was the first time Alicia noticed how beautiful her hair was.
For the rest of the lesson Alicia just stared at Adriana, noticing things that she always took for granted until recently, and for some reason they seemed more meaningful to her now. Maybe it was just her gratitude? That's what she thought, but she stopped the thought there and got back to concentrating on the lesson. Romeo and Juliet was hard enough without her being distracted.

After school, Adriana and Alicia went out to lunch with Nathaniel, Adriana’s fiancé.
“So how was your day guys?” He asked.
“English class was hilarious!” Said Alicia, giggling at the memory.
“Really?” Nathaniel asked again.
“You guys have seriously got to stop paraphrasing Shakespeare!” Adriana said to Alicia.
“No way, it’s too funny!” Alicia said again.
“You guys are doing Romeo and Juliet right? What’s so funny about two people dieing because their families won’t accept each other?” he asked, looking incredulous. “Nothing, nothing at all. But everything else is!” Alicia said.
"Can we change the subject? I've had enough of Rome and Juliet today." Adriana said.
"I'll remember these words next time you tell me I should be studying!" Alicia said, smiling at her.

"So Alicia, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Nathaniel asked.
"Rich so I won't have to work day in and day out," Alicia said jokingly.
"Well good luck with that one!" Nathaniel retorted. His grin a mile wide.
"Glad to see you two are getting along." Adriana said, smiling along with them. “So, Alicia, do you like dogs?” Nathaniel asked, randomly.
“Oh God, not this again.” said Adriana.
“I’m just asking.” Nathaniel said.
“You’re trying to convince me, again!” Adriana replied mater-of-factly.
“What is the problem with us getting a dog when we get married?” he asked again.
“The fact that I’m terrified of dogs, and of all breeds you want to get a husky!” she answered back.
“Well I personally love dogs-“ began Alicia.
“See” Nathaniel cut her off.
“But.” Alicia said again, indicating she wasn’t finished. “If Adriana is scared of dogs then I wouldn’t push her into something that would, in the long run, make her feel uncomfortable in her own home."
“Thank you, Alicia. See someone here sees logic.” Adriana retorted to Nathaniel.
“How are you ever going to face your fears if you keep avoiding them?” Nathaniel said, exasperated.
“Facing them is one thing, but getting a dog that, you know full well, will grow into something huge. That’s taking it too far, too fast.” Adriana said.
“I have to agree with her, I mean, baby steps.” Alicia said. “Everything has to have baby steps, even facing a fear.” Then and there the topic just dropped, they spent the rest of an hour and a half talking about everything else: school, Alicia’s past, her plans for the future, everything except the dog subject.

That night Alicia was getting ready for bed when she heard a knock on her door.
“Come in.” She said, knowing it was probably Adriana.
Adriana opened the bedroom door and stepped in.
“Hey, you ok?” she asked, crossing her arms and leaning against the door frame.
“Yeah.” Alicia said, looking up at her. She stopped for a second and took in what she was wearing. Adriana stood there in a short silk black robe with the waist band tied around her waist. She was probably wearing her short black nightdress underneath it.
“So, what do you think of Nathan?” she asked.
“Oh,” Alicia said, snapping back to reality. “He seems like a cool guy; and friendly. That dog argument thing, what was that about anyway?”
“Oh” Adriana said “That’s been going on ever since we got engaged, he’s obsessed with getting a dog, but-“
“You’re terrified of them” Alicia cut her off, knowing what she wanted to say. Adriana smiled at her, nodding in agreement.
“Don’t worry, he’ll get over it soon enough.” she said, giving her a reassuring smile back. Adriana walked up to her and hugged her, holding her for a few minutes. During those minutes Alicia felt something change inside of her, something that seemed to have been brewing a long time ago. She held Adriana close to her and felt like she could never let go. She took in everything about Adriana, the softness of her long hair that brushed against Alicia’s cheek. The way that despite the fact that Adriana is nine years older then her, Alicia is a few centimetres taller than her, and possibly a few pounds heavier. The beautiful scent of her perfume that filled up Alicia’s nostrils. That smell sent shivers down her spine, she loved it, but she felt like it had a bigger meaning now.
What the hell is going on? Alicia thought.
Adriana hugged her a little tighter; she almost couldn’t believe that a student of hers could end up being her best friend.
“Thanks for everything Adriana; I don’t know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for you!” Alicia said out of the blue, that was a thought that just came out loud, but she meant every word.
Adriana smiled, feeling the slight tingling of tears on her eyes.

Alicia said with a smile, this was followed by a series of laughter.

I suggest you use "which" instead of "this".

Glad to see you still have your sense of humor(Commar) Ally!" said Zoe.

"Wasn't he depressed cause he was crushing on a nun?" asked Jeremy(Fullstop.)

You mean, 'cause.

her half brown half blonde hair

This type of hair colour is called "dirty blond."

"So Alicia, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Nathaniel asked.

New line.

"Glad to see you two are getting along." Adriana said, smiling along with them. “So, Alicia, do you like dogs?” Nathaniel asked, completely out of nowhere. “Oh God, not this again.” said Adriana. “I’m just asking.” Nathaniel said. “You’re trying to convince me, again!” Adriana replied mater-of-factly.

a) Blue: New line. You have to correct not only here, but in the following paragraphs too. Check and see.
b) Red: Use the word "randomly" in place of "completely out of nowhere".

.....................................................................................................................................

So yeah, that's pretty much all I got. Well done! I really like the ending, it was really sweet.

Keep it up.

Hey Dessie(: I'm back. I can't remember if I reviewed your first chapter, but I know I reviewed the second...Or maybe it was the other way around **thinks. . . . . . . I don't know. Well lets get into the review.

I won't talk too much about this, but I can't stress enough that you need to use varying verb.
i.e. said Nathaniel, asked Alicia.
Sooooo common. Don't be afraid to spice the verbs up with adverbs:
i.e. Nathaniel said meanly, stated Alicia defiantly. (Sorry if those didn't reflect the characters personalities well)

A few grammatical errors (I will save you my incessant nitpicking!) I suggest another run through. Read this aloud, and if you come across a word with different forms (like to, too, and two,) take a second to make sure you used the CORRECT form(: I can't remember the technical word for that. Where it's the word has different forms. Is it homophones? Maybe. **Googles. EPIC WIN, I WAS RIGHT(: Score.

Sorry about that tangent. Lastly, paragraph-ing. Hm. Like where to start new lines. (Gee, I'm having issues today!)

Example:

“Oh God, not this again.” said Adriana. “I’m just asking.” Nathaniel said. “You’re trying to convince me, again!” Adriana replied mater-of-factly.

That's a lot for one line! It starts with Adriana talking, the Nathaniel, then Adriana again. Each time someone different talks, hit the enter button(: Like this:

“Oh God, not this again.” said Adriana. New Line
“I’m just asking.” Nathaniel said. New Line
“You’re trying to convince me, again!” Adriana replied mater-of-factly.

How nice. When I typed that, I noticed something else. Once again, I'm going to harp on this so you get it in your head. Ready?

“Oh God, not this again.Here is a comma not a period. We aren't finishing the sentence here,” said Adriana. We finish it here! New Line
“I’m just asking.Comma,” Nathaniel said. New Line
“You’re trying to convince me, again!” Adriana replied mater-of-factly. This is good(:

One last thing, (I know I said this before. . .) But lucky for you I found your favorite adjective/guilty pleasure. The word glad.

Exhibit A:
"Glad to see you still have your sense of humor Ally!" said Zoe.

Exhibit B:
"Glad to see you're all happy to have Ally back," Adriana said,

Exhibit C:
"Glad to see you two are getting along." Adriana said,



Remember. This isn't intended to be mean. It's intended to be helpful. COnstructive criticism, ya know?
I do it, because I love you(:

Yours Truly, Ff

I am so proud. Like seriously.

This is so much better than the last two chapters. The improvement is madness. Like I am amazed. You have gotten so much better. I guess there was the couple months in between, but man what a difference. I wish I could have reviewed this on first.

First off, your voice has improved so much. Your characters are starting to develop and I especially loved that touching scene that occurred at the end there. It was brilliant and was a nice touch. What you could do to make that more impacting is go back to the other chapters and make sure the readers understand the feeling of loss and isolation Alicia would have felt, for certainly that would have been there. That would make this moment better ten fold. The sudden feeling of belonging and security with someone after a while, gahhh, I think I would tear up.

I also liked how you started to make jokes with the dialogue, giving even more depth and dimension to the story. In particular I liked the paraphrasing of Romeo and Juliet. It reminded me of when I studied in my class. It was wayyy more believable this time, and well, yah. I am amazed.

The one thing I want to make sure you do though is make sure the reader knows how much time has been passing. I got confused often enough. Especially in the second chapter. Emphasize that she wouldn't be at school for a couple weeks. Maybe even give insight into those weeks of recuperation. Key sentences like, 'weeks had passed' or 'the next day'. Things like that would make sure the reader understood the timeline. I always get lost if it isn't clear enough.

I would also think that Alicia would have met Nathaniel beforehand due to him now having a foster child. But eh, its all good.

The main thing I want to say in this review is pace. You really need to work on that. It has gone on so fast it is hard to follow. There is so many time lapses and such that it just makes it move way to fast. I would suggest limiting the time lapses, allowing the reader a bit of a break. Maybe add a couple more scenes to show the stages of adjustment and the steadily growing affection. Add a scene about ice cream or I don't know. Doing that would also create situations ideal for character development which I haven't touched upon yet but is a necessary part of any novel. So don't be afraid to slow it down a bit. Its not an action novel. This story is about the people and the whole new situation they are placed in and how they adapt to what they are given. It is an ideal story, and I commend you for that.

Now I just want to implement the idea of character development in your mind right now. You quite clearly have some because obviously that touching scene was amazing. But keep in mind as the story moves on. Situations shape people and change them. Always a beginning character in a novel will be totally different by the end for how they adapt and learn affect who they are. I want you to keep that in mind as you write and make sure you keep up with it in your novel. Only then will your novel be truly dynamic.

Overall, your improvement was astounding and I hope you post another chapter soon.

Go Team Red! For Gryffindor!

~Incognito