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Chapters 1-4 Chapters From Taylor to Liz



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Sat Oct 08, 2011 1:26 pm
dj91207 says...



From Taylor to Liz
by
Danielle Roberge

Taylor:
BEEEEEP! The final bell of the day rang and the clock said three- o’clock. This meant there was now only three days and counting until school was out for the summer. When the bell rang Taylor Reese grabbed her best friend, Chloe Hampton, by the arm and ran with her to her house.
Just like every normal day they walked home. Only this day was not normal it was different. Or at least this is what Taylor hoped. They sprinted down the road, past the white picket fence, and up the sidewalk to finally reach Taylor’s mailbox. Taylor slowly put her hand on the handle and opened it very slowly. Inside was… nothing. Taylor let out a long sigh, and her heart sank.
“Don’t worry about it Tay; I am sure it will come tomorrow.” Chloe tried to reassure her best she could.
“I hope so. I mean this is what I have been dreaming about practically my whole life.” Taylor told her.
Ever since Taylor was really little, she loved to sing, dance, and act. It all came so naturally to her. This meant she had been dreaming about going to Seaside View Academy in California for singing, dancing, and acting her entire life. The only big problem was the money. Since the camp was one of the most prestigious summer camps in the world, it was going to be a lot of money. All the great performers got their starts there.
Taylor wanted to be able to go there so much. The only way she could ever go there would be with one of the twenty full-ride scholarships they gave to only twenty lucky people all over the world. You had to be the best of the best in order to get the scholarship.
“You know what? I don’t think it is coming. How could I ever be one of only twenty people to get a scholarship? I am just average, I do not have an amazing voice, my dancing skills are not the best, and my acting isn’t all that good.”
“Taylor, your voice is amazing, your dancing rocks, and your acting is awesome. You will get the scholarship, don’t worry about it. Trust me, when that talent scout came to our school auditioning people you were amazing. If they don’t pick you I will be really surprised.” Chloe leaned over and gave her friend a huge squeeze.
“Thanks, I sure hope you are right.”
“Don’t worry I am.”
Taylor really wanted to believe that Chloe was right, but she just couldn’t picture anyone thinking she was the best at anything. How could she, Taylor Reese some little girl who lived on a small farm in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan really be one of twenty people that they gave a scholarship to? This program would be a great opportunity for her, though. She could meet some more people and make some new friends. She loved Chloe, but Chloe was her only friend that she had. Besides in just one year both Chloe and her would be going separate ways when they went to college. She couldn’t lean on Chloe forever she needed to find new friends along with her old one. The more friends the better.
“We should go and get some ice-cream, you know to celebrate. I know that you technically have not gotten the scholarship yet, but I am that confident that you will.” Chloe told her.
“Well I don’t know about the scholarship, but ice-cream does sound really good right about now. Let’s go.”
Every once in a while they would walk to a little store down the street to get ice-cream cones. They always said they would walk instead of driving or biking so that they could get two scoops of ice-cream for all of the hard core exercise they took to get there.
“I love the ice-cream here it always cheers me up.” Taylor told Chloe.
“I know it does, why do you think I suggested it?”
They both laughed.
“So tell me all about the summer camp one more time.” Chloe said.
“Well, okay so it starts just a week after school gets out and runs all the way to the middle of August. So practically the whole summer. Which that is the only suckish part, being away from you and my parents for that long if I go. However, I do get a week to come home over the Fourth of July week.”
“When you go.” Chloe interrupted.
“Ha-ha. Yeah I mean WHEN I go. So the whole summer you get assigned a cabin with one or two other girls. That part kind of scares me too, what if they don’t like me? Anyways, the whole summer you take classes on singing, dancing, and acting, how incredibly perfect is that? Then at the end of the summer we put on a big musical and also a talent show type thing where thousands of people come and watch. Most people then move on to higher types of performing arts such as Broadway, T.V., or even record deals. Plus there will be a ton of college scouts there from the top performing arts schools in the country! There is also fun things to do there you are not just working the whole time. There is swimming, hiking, biking, and all sorts of fun things to do there. You also have most Saturdays and Sundays off.”
“Wow. Taylor, WHEN you go to this you are going to have the time of your life. Just make sure you call or e-mail me ALL the time.”
“Don’t worry I will.”
“Oh and one more thing, is the camp co-ed?”
“Yes.” Taylor grinned.
“Oo la la so maybe you will finally meet the guy of your dreams.”
“This summer is strictly for music, acting, and dance. I don’t need a guy in my life.”
“Ha-ha suit yourself! Oh wait make sure when you are rich and famous you still remember me, okay?”
“Ha-ha. Shut-up, I kind of need to get into the summer camp before I become rich and famous.” Taylor laughed.
Even though Taylor did not know if she was for sure accepted into the camp, she knew that she had the greatest best friend in the world.


Liz:
Loud, raging, screaming music blasted from the 1988 black mustang. In the driver’s seat was Mitch Rodriguez, Liz Kelley’s six month boyfriend. The car raced into Liz’s driveway and dropped her off at her mansion in New York City.
“Thanks babe. Your concert tonight was amazing.” Liz told Mitch. Mitch was a singer/guitarist in a local punk rock band. They mostly played at clubs and wild parties.
“Yeah, I know. I was pretty amazing out there.”
“Why do you have to go right now? It is only two o’clock in the morning the night’s still young.” Liz asked him.
“Don’t worry; we will hang tomorrow before the big concert at that big club. Remember the biggest concert that we have ever done so far.”
“Oh, right. Sorry babe, I forgot. Get some rest for your big day tomorrow. I love you.” She leaned in and kissed him.
“Yep, you too.” He grunted and practically shoved her out of the car and flew off.
Liz believed that she was in love. She spent the last six months of her life with Mitch and went to every single concert of his. She knew all of his songs and knew his whole band. She loved him with all her heart.
The night was pitch black and New York City looked beautiful all lit up. She walked up her long driveway and up her front porch steps, typed in her code for her house and walked into her house. She tip-toed inside hoping to avoid her parents since she was way past her eleven- thirty p.m. curfew. She was almost to the stairs when she tripped over something and toppled over. She tripped over her dad’s foot.
“Oh hi dad, just going upstairs.” She said as she was getting up.
“I am sure you are.”
“Do you have any idea what time it is?” Her mother scolded her. Her mother worked as an editor for a magazine and her father was the owner of the magazine company.
“Yeah, bedtime. Night.” She said as she tried to walk out of the room.
“Oh no you don’t.” Mrs. Kelley said as she turned on a light. “Oh. My. Gosh. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?” She screamed as she saw that Liz had died her beautiful bleach blonde hair jet black. She also now had a nose piercing.
“Oh, you mean my hair. Well, Mitch thought that I would look a lot better and fit in more with him and his band if my hair was black. I got the nose pierced as a special touch to my new look. What do you guys think?” She asked as she spun around for her parents to get a good look at her new look.
“Oh my gosh.” Her mom said as she sat on a nearby couch. “My daughter is turning into some kind of freak.”
“Honey, this is VERY unacceptable.” Her dad told her. “What will people think of you? What will people think of us? This is definitely not going to help the business once people see you like this.”
“You guys this isn’t fair! Mitch likes my hair like this! And so do I! I feel like I fit in with the punk rockers more! Mitch told me I look absolutely hot like this too!”
“Honey, I don’t think Mitch is that great of an influence on you. You even skipped your vocal lessons today.” Her mom tried to calm her down.
Liz had the best singing voice in New York. She won a singing contest when she was twelve.
“No! He is NOT a bad influence. And I skipped it because he said that I don’t need some stupid music teacher to tell me how to sing! Besides, I am now the girlfriend of a punk rocker which means I don’t need singing skills. All I need to do is be able to go and watch Mitch’s band play. When they go on tour this summer, I will be with them the whole time anyways. It will be wonderful, riding their bus with them and being with Mitch everyday for the whole summer!” Liz said as she started to walk up the stairs.
“You will NOT be going with him this summer young lady!” Her dad screamed.
“Okay! You two shhh… ! ELIZABETH up to your room NOW! Go get some sleep, we all need some sleep and we will talk about the summer plans more in the morning. OKAY!” Her mom screamed and ran out of the room crying.
“UGHHH! FINE!” Liz hollered and flew up the stairs to her room.
Her room was opposite of the new her, her room was painted pink with pictures of different colored flowers all over the room. Her parents had one of the best decorators in town decorate it when she was fifteen, even though she begged them to paint it blue and purple, she hated the color pink. They of course refused and thought that pink suited her more than any other colors. Over most of the flowers though were pictures of Mitch.
She thought it was a good time for change as she stared at her walls. She made a sticky note that said to get black paint.
Liz grabbed her phone and dialed up her best friend, Abigail Montgomery.
“Hello.”
“Abbie! Hi! Sorry to wake you up I just really need to talk to you.”
“No you didn’t wake me, you just haven’t called me in a long time, I am surprised.”
“Oh, yeah sorry about that, I have just been really busy. Mitch is working really hard with his band and you know how he wants me to be there with him every step of the way. “
“Mmmhhmm. Anyways go on.”
“Yeah, well I need you to help me think of a plan to convince my parents that me going with Mitch on their summer tour would be the perfect way to spend my summer. Actually, our summer, what I wanted to ask you is their band needs two managers and I am one of them and I was wondering if you wanted to be another one? Plus Mitch has some really cute friends that probably would really like you!” Liz excitedly told Abbie.
“Liz, I don’t know… a whole summer just with Mitch and his band. I mean he kind of scares me a little bit.”
“What? Mitch? He is the sweetest boy in this whole city!”
“Oh, okay I trust you on that too; I mean I am sure he is really nice and sweet to you. He just doesn’t seem like my type of guy and I am sure his friends are not my type either, no offense or anything.”
“None taken. And I am sorry I have been kind of ignoring you the last couple of months, I have been just really busy with other things.”
“No, I know and I completely understand.”
Abbie has been Liz’s best friend for the longest time ever since their parents got into the magazine business together. Abbie’s parents worked for Liz’s parents. So they trusted Abbie completely.
“What I need you to do though, is to maybe talk to my parents and convince them that I should be allowed to go on tour with Mitch’s band this summer. Tell them that it would be a great experience for me.” Liz told Abbie.
“Of course I will, right after school tomorrow. Okay?”
“Okay, thanks so much! I will see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah no problem bye.”
“Bye.”

Taylor:
Taylor’s alarm clock rang for her to get up on the last day of school. She jumped out of her bed and ran downstairs for her mom’s annual last day of school pancake breakfast. She slid into the chair by the table and stacked up four pancakes and loaded them with butter and syrup.
“Would you like some pancakes with that syrup?” Her mom laughed.
“Ha-ha.” Taylor said quietly.
Mrs. Reese knew when something was wrong with Taylor. And something was definitely wrong with Taylor. She pulled a chair up to the table and sat right next to her daughter.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” She asked.
“It’s nothing. Just well...” Taylor burst into tears. “I haven’t gotten anything in the mail for that scholarship yet. I want to go so much. I wish I would be able to go without the scholarship.”
“I know. I know. I wish I could pay for you to go, I wish we had the money to send you to this camp. I know that you would have an amazing time there. If the farm was doing better you know that we would send you. If we could afford it we would send you in a heartbeat. The thing is sweetie we don’t right now.” Her mom was now crying.
Mr. Reese walked in to both of them sobbing at the kitchen table.
“What’s going on in here? Is this about that summer camp again?” He asked.
Both the girls nodded their heads.
“Oh honey, come here, how do you know that you haven’t gotten the scholarship yet?”
Taylor shrugged.
“You might still get it. And if you don’t get it we will have an awesome summer here, so cheer up.”
“Okay.” Taylor sniffled.
She walked to her room and got dressed for the last day of school. She wore her brown hair in long curls, and she put on a yellow sundress with white flip-flops.
Ding Dong.
Chloe stood at the door, waiting to walk to school with Taylor.
“Come on Taylor! We are going to be late!”
“Okay sorry! Coming!”
Taylor ran out the door with Chloe. They ran all the way to school with only five minutes to spare.
“So I am giving up my dream of going to that camp and am applying for a summer job first thing tomorrow.”
“Taylor, I am sorry.” Chloe gave Taylor a hug.
“You know it’s fine. I will spend more time with you, it will be great.” Taylor said while trying to hide her disappointment.

Liz:
Mitch flew into Liz’s driveway to pick her up for their last day of school. She walked out wearing a black mini dress with black leather leggings and knee high red boots. Her new black hair in a high ponytail.
“Bye Mom!” She ran out of the house quickly to her avoid the talk she knew her parents were about to give from the night before.
She hopped into Mitch’s car as they flew into the streets of New York. His hair was greased into a Mohawk for the concert tonight and he wore a black t-shirt along with black skinny jeans and black converse sneakers.
“You look great baby.” Liz gushed as she leaned in to kiss him. His breath reeked of cigarette smoke.
“Have you been smoking?” She asked him.
“Yeah want one?”
“A smoke?”
“Yeah, here try one they are great.” He said as he popped one into her mouth and lit it.
She inhaled and started coughing wildly as she chucked the cigarette out the window.
“Since when did you start smoking?” She asked him.
“About two years.”
“Oh, I guess I never noticed the smell before.”
“No. Probably not I usually pop a breath mint right after so you don’t have to smell the smoke. You don’t like the taste huh?”
“No, it is not really for me. I don’t care that you smoke though. Even though it IS really bad for your lungs and you COULD develop lung cancer and DIE someday.”
“Don’t worry about me darling I don’t smoke that often only every once in a while.” He told her.
“Oh okay. Good.” She smiled at him.
He sped past their school.
“Um... hun you just missed the turn for our school.”
“I know babe. I thought we would take the day off today. I mean come on they aren’t gonna be doing anything anyways. We will just drive around hit up some pool halls. Play some pool and check out some potential clubs that my band can play at. What do you say?”
Taylor knew her parents would kill her for skipping, but she really wanted to go with Mitch. Ah what the heck her parents would never find out. This way she could have all day to think of reasons why her going with Mitch would be the perfect thing to do during the summer.
“Sure. Why not?”
“Great! Let’s go!” He said as he ran through a red light. They pulled into a little club.
Inside the club were all of Mitch's band members sitting and talking with the waitresses. Zeke the lead singer was trying to get a date with the waitress, even though he had a girlfriend that lived only twenty miles from New York City.
“What is he doing?” Liz whispered into Mitch's ear.
“Getting a date?” Mitch whispered back like it was the dumbest question in the world.
“Yeah, I know that, but doesn't he... I mean doesn't he still have a.... a girlfriend?”
“Well, yeah. But she will never find out, duh! Besides he is just going on a date with her not going to start a new relationship.”
“But, that's like cheating. You don't do that do you?”
“No, of course not you are the only girl for me.” Mitch said as he stared at the waitress his friend was asking out.
“Okay, good.” Liz was relieved.
The club reeked like smoke. Liz looked over and saw that the rest of Mitch's band was smoking. She watched as Mitch took and lit one and put it into his mouth. Liz was a little shocked and pulled the cigarette out of his mouth.
“Babe, I thought you said that you don't smoke that often.” Liz's stomach tightened thinking that Mitch had lied to her.
“No of course, baby. I don't trust me.” He looked into her deep brown eyes and she stared into his blue ones. “I am just under a lot of stress right now, because of the big show tonight. I'm sorry.”
He looked sincere so she decided that he was telling the truth.
“Good. I love you.” She kissed him.
“I will be right back the band is calling for me.” Mitch said as he pointed to his band members who were screaming his name to come look at the posters of their band that they had put up at all the local clubs.
“Okay.” Liz smiled at Mitch. She ordered a pop from the waitress that Zeke was trying to get a date with. She took a long sip and tried to think of a way to convince her parents that a summer spent with Mitch and his band was the perfect way to spend her summer vacation. She thought for awhile and finally came up with a perfect excuse. She would tell her parents that if she went on tour with Mitch's band then she would be able to open for all of their concerts. Which would be perfect for her own singing voice and career as well. She knew that she would NOT be opening for them, or singing at all during the summer for that matter, but her parents would definitely buy it. Perfect!
Last edited by dj91207 on Sat Oct 08, 2011 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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233 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 9739
Reviews: 233
Sat Oct 08, 2011 6:37 pm
Chirantha says...



Hi dj,

Well, this is somewhat of a nice story, but to me it seems a bit clichéd. I mean, the storyline seems like a beaten path that most of the writers follow. Yes, there's a certain uniqueness to this story, but the plot seems too predictable and simple. It would do better to add some new ideas to plot so that the story would acquire a different feel.

Alright, let's dive into the review.

Mistakes

The final bell of the day rang and the clock said three- o’clock.

Correct it as "The clock showed"

This meant there was now only three days and counting until school was out for the summer.

This sentence should be "This meant that there were only three days until the school was out for summer"

Just like every normal day they walked home.

Saying "any normal day" is better

Chloe tried to reassure her best she could.

This sentence is wrong. Correct it as, "Chloe said, trying to reassure her, the best she could"

but I am that confident that you will.”

Cut the first "that"

“So tell me all about the summer camp one more time.” Chloe said.

This wasn't a mistake but I just pulled this up to tell you that this was a great way to give the readers a description about the summer camp

She tripped over her dad’s foot.

I think it would sound better if you say it like, "She looked back and saw that she had tripped over her dad's foot"

Her mother scolded her. Her mother worked as an editor for a magazine and her father was the owner of the magazine company.

This is not at all the correct time to talk about the occupations of her parents, because it will only distract the readers and they would not take that fact into there heads. It would be much more better to say that fact later.

Liz had died her beautiful bleach blonde hair jet black.

It's "dyed" not "died"

She also now had a nose piercing.

Cut the "now"

Her room was opposite of the new her,

I actually didn't get this sentence until I read it a few times, and I think it would be more meaningful to say " Her room was the polar opposite of her tastes"

her room was painted pink with pictures of different colored flowers all over the room.

As you mentioned "her room" before no need to mention it again.

Taylor’s alarm clock rang for her to get up on the last day of school.

I think it's better to say, "Taylor's alarm clock rang as she got up for the last day of school"

And something was definitely wrong with Taylor.

Re-write it like this, "And something was definitely wrong"

I don’t smoke that often only every once in a while.

Say, "I don't smoke that often, only now and then."

I don't trust me.

I almost read this like "I don't trust myself" so, please don't leave out the punctuations because it gives different meanings.

Plot

Okay, the plot. Well, the plot up to this point, had been predicable and kind of cliched. Because it's the same kind of story with an added background to make a slight difference. I'm not sure how the story is going to end up in the future but for now, it is not too unique and it doesn't feel different. But I do like the way you are interchanging between two characters who are polar opposites of each other. Because that subtle comparison is a good way to keep the story going.

Description

You have added quite a lot of description but in some cases, there's a little bit too much. I know that stories tend to give a lot of description so that the reader knows exactly what the writer wants them to know, but over-doing the description may lead to readers overlooking them and missing plot points in between. So, try to keep the descriptions in a balance. Don't put a whole bunch of descriptive sentences everywhere. Insert them where they feel necessary.

Character Description

You have the personality description well thought out and you have breathed life into your characters, and that is not something every writer is good at. Getting a reader to understand about a character and to reach out into the world you created in your novel through that character is by no means, an easy feat. But to a great extent, you have managed that, and I'm truly impressed.

But your story severely lacks physical description, and I have a hard time imagining Taylor or Chloe or even Liz. You did put descriptions about what they wore and their hair, but I still have a hard time creating a face for your characters. Faceless characters takes the story away. It's the writer's job to describe their characters and let the readers create a word picture in their mind about that character. For one, you never once mentioned the age of any character and I have a hard time guessing because some descriptions went against everything I've imagined about that character up to that point. Because your characters, eat ice-cream and then talk about summer jobs, then they cry. Doesn't that seem a bit mixed?

Overall, it wasn't the best story but it certainly wasn't the worst. But brush up on the facts I told you about.

Good luck :D

-CH-
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
- Dragon Age

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Mon Oct 17, 2011 8:07 pm
wtbh says...



Wow, this was really long to read, but all good stories are. This is a good story that you have going right now. Looking forward to reading more by you. It's very exciting and fun. Extremely enjoyable to read. You have quite the act for creativity. You left me with questions in my head, and that's more than always a good thing in a book. Again, can't say this enough, but really good. Can't wait to read more. Keep it up!!! :)

~wtbh
  








Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
— Samuel Butler