Young Writers Society

.....There he was laying on the bed, His arm scared from depression he had to get away, His tearful eyes flowed down his cheek, The sheets coved in blood, staining it. I just stood there, didn't do anything, I was too shocked, I felt my heart starting to beat faster. The knife then suddenly fell from his hand, And I came to sense. I ran to his side. "Peter!" I shouted "Peter talk to me!!" "I'm sorry Jamie" He mumbled and he took a deep breath,

His last breath,
and with his last breath he said the words


"I love you Jamie."

"No Peter!" I cried "No peter stay with me" I checked for his pulse but I didn't find anything. I laid my head on his chest and cried the words "No Peter." Softly, over and over again.

How this all started is two years ago, when I was fourteen, I ran away from home want was New Zealand, and I flew all the way to Australia to be with my boyfriend Peter. Two days after Peter died was the funeral day, his mother came up to me “Jamie..” She said “Since you were close to Peter would you please say a few words for him.” I didn’t want to, I was too depressed, to broken, but I slowly got up, and moved to the stage. From here you could see almost everyone, there was so many people! I wiped my red, tear stained eyes, took a deep, and said “Peter, to me was my boyfriend, and he was my gorgeous pumpkin. I loved him so much, he meant the world to me, and I meant the world to him as he kept reminding me. He was the most sweetest person ever to me, And he cared about me so much, I just want to be in his arms again. Peter, If you are looking down on us, I just want you to know then I miss you, And I love you oh so much!!” I moved off the stage, In more tears then I have ever been in. Steff came up to me and gave me a big hug and I just cried on her shoulder. “Awwww Jamie, I’m so sorry” She said squeezing my tighter. “Thanks Steff” I mumbled while still crying on her shoulder.

Later that night I heard noises, I slowly opened my eyes, and my eyes went huge. I saw him.

This needs some work. You are all over the place with your words, phrases, grammer, punctuation and techniques.

I kindaza got a headache after reading it.

PET PEEVE ONLY> Get rid of "how this all started." Ick. (I mean, the way it started was a few paragraphs ago with a few punctuation marks and the words there he was) Try >Two years ago, at age fourteen... Also note your use of phrases "was the funeral day", "there was so many", "to me was my", "In more tears then", "my eyes went".

there is plenty more to improving this draft. Keep the mysterious BF / GF love theme, it is very popular. GOOD LUCK!

Bty, who is steph?

Okay, get ready, cause I have a lot.

JamieZeeOnly wrote:.....There he was laying on the bed, His arm scared from depression he had to get away, His tearful eyes flowed down his cheek, The sheets coved in blood, staining it.

1. What's with the ...? Is there a prolouge?
2. After was, you should have a comma. Try saying it aloud, you'll hear the break.
3. His should be his, lowercase, because there is a comma, not a period.
4. Is it, "depression. He had to get away." or is it "depression he'd done to get away."
5. After away, you should have a period. You're using too many comma's.
6. His eyes flowed? I'd rephrase it as "His tears flowed down his cheek from his red eyes."
7. coved should be "covered". After cheek, there should be a period.
8. I'd rephrase the last part as, "The sheets were covered in blood, stained with crimson swirls."

JamieZeeOnly wrote: I just stood there, didn't do anything, I was too shocked, I felt my heart starting to beat faster. The knife then suddenly fell from his hand, And I came to sense. I ran to his side. "Peter!" I shouted "Peter talk to me!!" "I'm sorry Jamie" He mumbled and he took a deep breath,

His last breath,
and with his last breath he said the words


"I love you Jamie."

1. Instead of didn't, try couldn't. It sounds like she felt like she couldn't move.
2. Lose the "then". Put a period after shocked. Put And as and. (lowercase)
3. Only one exclamation is needed. And enter "I'm sorry..."
4. Lose the second he. After breath, period!
5. Lose the "and with his last breath" and put "and with it".

JamieZeeOnly wrote:"No Peter!" I cried "No peter stay with me" I checked for his pulse but I didn't find anything. I laid my head on his chest and cried the words "No Peter." Softly, over and over again.

1. After cried, period. Capitalize the second Peter and then put a comma. At with me, put a period.
2. After pulse, place a comma. Lose the I in "but I didn't".
3. You use the word "cried" a lot. Try "sobbed" or something similar.
4. Try not to use the word "words". It's a bit cliche.

JamieZeeOnly wrote: How this all started is two years ago, when I was fourteen, I ran away from home want was New Zealand, and I flew all the way to Australia to be with my boyfriend Peter. Two days after Peter died was the funeral day, his mother came up to me “Jamie..” She said “Since you were close to Peter would you please say a few words for him.” I didn’t want to, I was too depressed, to broken, but I slowly got up, and moved to the stage.

1. How this all started? I'm not even sure how to correct this. Maybe just delete it.
2. "away from home want was New" should be "away from home and went to New..."
3. you don't need "I flew all the way to Australia". Just ", to be with my boyfriend, Peter."
4."The funeral was two days after Peter died. His mother came up to me. "Jamie..." She said, "Since you were so close to Peter, would you mind saying a few words on his behalf?". Would be much better.
5. After to, period. the word to in "to broken", should be "too".





I'll correct the rest in a second.
Pandora

JamieZeeOnly wrote:From here you could see almost everyone, there was so many people! I wiped my red, tear stained eyes, took a deep, and said “Peter, to me was my boyfriend, and he was my gorgeous pumpkin. I loved him so much, he meant the world to me, and I meant the world to him as he kept reminding me. He was the most sweetest person ever to me, And he cared about me so much, I just want to be in his arms again. Peter, If you are looking down on us, I just want you to know then I miss you, And I love you oh so much!!” I moved off the stage, In more tears then I have ever been in. Steff came up to me and gave me a big hug and I just cried on her shoulder. “Awwww Jamie, I’m so sorry” She said squeezing my tighter. “Thanks Steff” I mumbled while still crying on her shoulder.

1. everyone. There...
2. You took a deep? "a deep breath, and..."
3."him, as" (comma)
4. "He was the sweetest" (not most sweetest)
5. "and he" (lowercase)
6. "much. I" (peiod)
7. "that I miss you and love you, oh, so much!" (wrong word, comma missusage, commas, one !)
8. "stage, in" (lowercase)
9. Who's Steff? And if it's short for Stephanie, it should be Steph.

JamieZeeOnly wrote:Later that night I heard noises, I slowly opened my eyes, and my eyes went huge. I saw him.

1. "noises." (period)
2. I'd rephrase. "I slowly opened my eyes. Suddenly, I was shocked. My eyes went huge..." Saying eyes eyes isn't very good, but saying eyes _____ eyes is better. There is a break.

Well, that is all. I hope you read all this and I hope it helps.

Pandora