Young Writers Society

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Changing the Stars

“When people remember us, they will always say we changed the stars.”

Chapter 1 – Another Night Like No Other

The noise from the tavern resonated outside, echoing through the countless trees that scattered the nearby surroundings. It was only mid-evening but already the sun had gone to sleep and the night sky had thrown a shroud of darkness over the scene. Illumination escaped through the cracks of doors and windows from the boisterous activity inside.

It was like a lighthouse in the blackened fields – alight with laughter and the sounds of joy.

Inside, a youthful girl with wavy blonde hair wore a crown of bay leaves like a queen at her coronation. The crowd watched her happily as she danced with willing courtiers, to no music but the incessant, speedy clapping that created a beat. She spun and twirled, the plain skirt she wore spiralling as she moved gracefully.

Whistles accompanied her as she collapsed onto a nearby barstool. A large, bearded man sat beside her.

“Don’t tire yourself out, young one,” he said, smiling.

She gave him a playful push. “Tired! As if! It’s you that should be worried about getting exhausted at your age.”

He pretended to be shocked. “Me! Old! As if!” he said, imitating her voice.

“The hairs on your beard are going grey, father, and the sparkle in your eyes is leaving. But I can never imagine you ever getting truly old. The spirit will always be there, at least,” she replied, moving over to hug him. He stroked her hair and hid her inside his big embrace.

“I hope you’re enjoying yourself, Areeva,” he whispered to here, “I truly do.”

“Of course, daddy,” she whispered with a contented sigh back, “Of course I am. All my friends are here. Everyone is happy. I am an adult! What could make this a sad day?”

He gripped her tighter. “Nothing. Except …”

“Except what?”

“You are of age now, and soon the men will be queuing to take your hand. Once you’ve gone … they’ll be nobody left. After your mother died …”

“You won’t lose me the same way,” she said defiantly, “I will always be here for you. Maybe not in the same house. But nearby.”

Her father let her go and gave her a brief smile, before glancing other her shoulder to the approaching figure of a handsome, broad-chested man.

“Would you care for a dance?” he inquired from behind here, and she turned round in shock. She gave her father a smile back and left with her hand joined with the handsome man’s. Soon they were dancing together and her father took a sip of his ale and shook his head silently.

A man appeared beside him, oblivious to the pain going on in his neighbour’s insides. He ordered a drink from the bartender, gripped the pint glass in his hand, dispensed with some silver in the other, and made his way back to the corner he always sat in, the corner he always drank in, the corner he lived in ever night.

The first thing anybody noticed about him when they first met were his deep, sunken eyes: the darkest brown you could imagine, as mysterious as they come. Just the eyes would make you think there was something about him. But then his timid smile, his thin cheeks, and his disjointed nose would throw them off. His face is such a circus of assorted features that it is instantly recognisable. Yet, he is sat in the corner all alone.

That’s how he liked it. He took a large gulp of ale, guiding the glass slowly back onto the table so nobody will notice. The fingers on his other hand played with a splinter from the wooden table and he stared indiscriminately around the room – men or women caught his attention, fat and thin, young and old. There is some sort of merry gathering going on but he showed no indication of joining in, nor any desire. It is just another night like no other. People come and go in life; people live and die. It is of no interest of him to explore different people’s lives for the sake of it – he is only aware of his own. He has never found the company of humans pleasing – sometimes the opposite. Other people have their own wants and needs and they almost always conflict.

The drink provided the solace, his work kept him busy. Anything else was an unneeded distraction.

"Inside, a youthful girl"

ACK!!! NO!!! Jack! You don't need to say things twice!

If the character's a girl, then we can probably infer that she's pretty youthful, yes? So get rid of it! She's already quite a bit flat without using one of my least favorite adjectives.

'As if!'

There's nothing grammatically wrong with this, it just makes me think of...well, you get the drift. So if this is the time period that I'm thinking it is, change it a little. If it's supposed to be set in the present, then my dear Jack, you have some work to do.

It's a fantasy story.

Ah, gotcha. But still.

Your description is wonderful, it paints a picture but i do have one issue.

It was only mid-evening but already the sun had gone to sleep and the night sky had thrown a shroud of darkness over the scene

Its wonderful imagery once again but i just dont think saying "over the scene" seems a little out of place. It istantly (well for me atleast) makes it seem as if there is a narater, or a reader of some description, explaining everything.

Maybe thats what you were going for, im not sure. Other than that very good, i cant wait to see more

Firestarter wrote:It was only mid-evening but already the sun had gone to sleep and the night sky had thrown a shroud of darkness over the scene. It seems like a run-on to me. I read the sentence out loud, and I had a hard time reading it in one breath.

She gave him a playful push. “Tired? I think this should be a question mark, instead of an exclamation mark. As if! It’s you that should be worried about getting exhausted at your age.”

He pretended to be shocked. “Me? Same here. Old! As if!” he said, imitating her voice.

“You won’t lose me the same way,” she said defiantly. Period here. “I will always be here for you. Maybe not in the same house. But nearby.”

Your story had some spelling mistakes, maybe just typos.

At the beginning of your story, you had a line or two that were too long (run-on), and made me run out of breath when I read them.

You also had a problem with split dialogue. I have an example above where I changed one of the commas to a period. I saw a few of these mistakes. I think you need to work on that.

I think you did pretty well on writing your story, though.

Hm, I liked this. It was nice and simple: a dark night, a warm tavern, a man and his daughter, and a mysterious stranger. Great description and well written dialogue, as always. Although I don't know how many times I'll let the "broad-chested" discription slip under my radar before I call you out for it. Haha.

His face is such a circus of assorted features that it is instantly recognisable. Yet, he is sat in the corner all alone.

Few things wrong with these sentences: First of all, you switched tense to the present. (As a matter of fact, you did the for almost the entire final paragraph as well. Keep it uniform!) Secondly, you'll want to remove the bolded word in order for that sentence to make sense.

Other than the change of tense, I liked this very much. This shows great potential, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you have planned from here on out.

I liked this a lot. I did get confused when she said "as if". IN the opening paragraph you make it to be in the past, but adding the modern term "as if" had me wondering whether it was in the past or in the present. Other than a few typos it was great.