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Savior:Chapter Two



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Tue Aug 23, 2011 6:32 pm
AngelKnight900 says...



Andre

Love at first sight is a piece of crap. It never happens. It's just lust.

I wasn't the one to really say anything about that. She was a beautiful girl and her words were music to my ears. Hell, even that smart-ass comment she said was sexy but was I in love? I'll admit it this one time. Probably.

I didn't want to admit that I was in love with this girl because girls come and go. I think that explains why I come off as being cold to them ; too many scars.

"Knock, knock," my mom sung, standing outside my door

I smiled as I watched her come into my room and sit on my bed, holding me in her arms.

"How was school today?" she whispered

I got out of her arms and laid down on my bed. "I met a girl,"

"Oh," She said this with the least amount of enthusiasm. She knew I got hurt by a lot of girls and I did hurt some in return.

There was a silence after that and she sighed. "Your father would be better with this than I am,"

I felt a surge of anger build up in my heart and I tried to hold in a growl.

If he was so good, then why didn't he stay?

My dad left my mom when she first announced she was pregnant. My mom was an only child and her father died recently so I had no male figure in my life. I was nearly eighteen and I was going to be a senior this upcoming fall. This was a time that I longed for a father figure.

"Andre, if you like this girl so much, make sure she's worth it first, " she advised " And if she is, be her prince charming,"

She gave me a smile after that last sentence and gave me a kiss on the forehead. " And bring her to the queen, first."

I chuckled and stared up at the wall. Be her prince charming

I wasn't trained to be a man so how could I be a prince? I guess life could be my teacher.

It took me a while to realize today was the last day of school, so instead of staying locked inside my home, I went out. I grabbed my fake id, got inside my new car, and drove downtown to the nearest club.

When I made it to a club by the name of Bamboo, I hesitated. My mom threatened me about continuing this and I really did respect that woman. My stomach started to growl when I eyed a Chinese restaurant.

I'll go eat and then come back

I went inside the restaurant, found a seat near a window, ordered my food, and waited.

I looked outside and watched as people entered the club. There are days I question if the club scene was something I wanted to be part of. I could handle my liquor but I remembered one day I came home drunk and my mother had called the police because I came home at six in the morning. I hated myself for that but it didn't make me stop going there. That's where I picked up those girls. Some carried strings while others didn't.

A car pulled in front of the restaurant and to my amazement, out popped Madison with her friends. Her tight skirt and booties showed me a new side of her. She looked hot.

I watched as other guys starting leering at her and I started to get mad. I know I was being a hypocrite because I was starting to imagine doing things with her too but still, I could somehow sense it was wrong.

She entered the restaurant with her friends and she sat on the opposite side of the restaurant . My food came in but I couldn't eat. I looked back at the guys and they were staring through the window. I knew what they were planning on doing. I saw the van and the rope and their disguises. That was both sick and desperate.

Be her prince charming,

I went out to get my car so I could park it in front of the van. When I got back in the restaurant, I rethought saving her. What business did I have with her? She could probably defend herself and they were in public. There were enough spectators.

Be her prince charming,

I'm not even a man. What good could I do? And where would she go?

There's this house in the country and it's near a waterfall. Beautiful beyond compare. It used to be my grandfather's but I promise that one day I will bring you there. I even have the key

Oh yeah, my grandfather's old house. My mother told me about this house and I remembered taking the key everywhere with me when I was younger, just so I could be the one to open it.

I could take her there but for how long? These guys look elite;they could track us down

I decided to go outside and maybe confront these guys. Pulling out a cigarette, I made it seem like I was just going out for a smoke. I leaned on the wall and listened on to their conversation.

"Where is he?" one of them growled "He's suppose to meet us here so we can go on with this plan,"

"We don't even know what this guy looks like," his partner whispered

I caught on to who these people were. They were traffickers.

"We researched this girl," another one commented " She's perfect, and the boss said to only get her,"

I glanced at Madison and watched her smile and laugh with her friends. I stomped on the cigarette and grabbed my keys. I just had to bring my car somewhere else so people won't suddenly mistake me for being the bad guy, even though these guys looked more of pedophiles than me. I went to my car and disappeared into the shadows.

I can leave right now and act like I never saw anything.

I stopped my car and parked, looking back at the restaurant. The door opened.

I can just ignore it and let the police handle it

First came her two friends and they walked out with no disturbance. Madison was busy fixing something in her purse and the guys were ready to strike. Her friends kept on walking.

No.

She was a couple of steps from going exiting. No. I started running.

Be her prince charming
Last edited by AngelKnight900 on Wed Aug 24, 2011 11:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
-Nicki Minaj
  





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Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:31 pm
jayleighsmith says...



Hello, I'm Jayleigh.

Alright so I didn't read your first chapter but I think I'm going to go do that. But before I go there are a few things I'd like to say.

First, you have a lot of dialog, which I like, but it seems stiff and unnatural in some places. It's kind of like an actor being made to say things that they would never say in their life. It's just awkward.

Second, some of the words you use kind of made me want to stop reading. The derogatory terms "pimps and hoes" is okay MAYBE once. Try rephrasing so your MC sounds less like a pompous jerk.

That's all I really have to say. Not a lot happened here but I'm interested in knowing what happens next. Good luck

--Jayleigh
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen
  





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Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:33 pm
Hiccup says...



So far very interesting, but from what I saw you left out periodes here and there.

Also, this sentence was beginning to bother me.

My dad didn't mind me having girl's over. He just saw it as me following in his footsteps. If my mom was still alive, she would have skinned me alive if I brought a girl home because she knew the girls I liked.

You didn't need to say girl's, just girls. You used 'alive' twice, and all together it's a bit choppy. The 'because' throws it off track.
  





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Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:52 pm
AngelKnight900 says...



Hahaha well thnx for the reviews but I actually changed this chapter completely.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
-Nicki Minaj
  





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Thu Oct 27, 2011 2:07 am
TalkinToMyself says...



I think i might need daily doses of this .__.
Spoken like a True Weirdo
  








Knowing too much of your future is never a good thing.
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