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Savior:Chapter Seven



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Tue Aug 30, 2011 7:57 pm
AngelKnight900 says...



Spoiler! :
Yeah, this is not my strongest chapter so I would really appreciate reviews.


Madison

My lips still tingled from that kiss last night. I got out of bed in a daze and almost fell in the shower. As the water splattered on my skin, I started thinking about how to face Andre today.

Should I give him a hug or maybe a kiss on the cheek?Or should I just act cool and just smile?

I never thought that today was going to be the day I would be worrying about how to act in front of a boy. I mean, yesterday I practically ate my plate at dinner. Oh, that was so embarrassing but at least he laughed through it. Yesterday was awesome and I never thought that going on a date could make you feel so free. It wasn't love but deep in my heart, I could feel it was soon to be.

I walked downstairs barefoot, in my plaid shirt and skinny jeans. He didn't wake up yet, so I decided to make breakfast.

Okay, time to make the breakfast fit for my husband I laughed at the word 'husband'. Yet, the way he slept there on the couch, peacefully, I started to feel some attachment to him.

Ding-dong

I didn't know if it was safe to open the door and Andre was sound asleep.

Ding-dong

Andre didn't move an inch, so I went to the door and opened it.

"Tyler?!"

"Madison?!"

I wasn't expecting to see May's boyfriend here, nevertheless have any relations with Andre which must explain his appearance. But that was being judgmental; not a positive trait.

"So, what's up?" he asked, scratching the back of his head.He often did this when he was nervous.He was blushing immensely.

"Umm...not much. You know, enjoying this summer." I replied

"I can see that." he said this with a wink

I playfully punched him in the arm. "Not like that Tyler."

"Really? Andre is a ladies man and you're the last girl I would expect to have made it inside his house."

"It's complicated."

Before Tyler could say anymore, Andre stood behind me.Did I mention, he did so without a shirt. This was both not a good image but a wonderful sight.

"Tyler, what are you doing here?" he asked, sternly. He pushed me behind him. "Madison, just wait for me in the living room."

I did what he said but I could hear their conversation.

"So what are you and Madison doing here? You know, alone" Tyler said

"She's staying over"

What?!

"So how long has this been going on?"

"Not long."

"Dude, there's something that you're not telling me."

"What do you mean?"

"Just a couple of days ago, May calls and starts crying. She kept saying 'Madison is gone. They took her' and here I am. In this house with you and her. I'm not going to assume that you took her but then again..."

"Tyler, you're my friend but I can't tell you."

"Can I at least tell May she's okay?"

There was a long silence after that. "No."

"You don't trust me with this, do you?"

"Look, I didn't get a good look at those guys but they could be anyone. Just one mention about Madison and then, bamn!" Then he lowered his voice to a whisper. "Just keep this to yourself, okay?"

"But her friends deserve to know-"

"They do but would you take the risk?"

Tyler let out an exhausted sigh. "You are taking care of her, right?" He had a joking tone in his voice.

"Shut up," Then Andre lowered his voice even more. "I care about her okay. Last thing I want to do, is mess up everything."

"Haha, Andre is in love."Tyler said a little too loud which made me giggle. "Okay, but remember. She's not like your past girlfriends."

The door shut and Andre came in the living room. Yes, he was shirtless which made this moment even more awkward.

"Don't open the door without telling me ever again," he said, in a relaxed tone. " We can't risk someone knowing your location."

I looked straight ahead and nodded my head.

"Madison, will you look at me?"

I wasn't the superficial type but who could miss the beauty of his-

Madison, look beyond his image

"Yes."

"Do you understand me?"

I was close to saying "Yes, Dad" but this wasn't a joking matter, so I nodded my head and walked out of the living room.

"You want to go out in the pool?" he asked, right behind me.

I stopped and then thought about it. "Okay,"

So after breakfast, we went out to the pool with the humongous waterfall. I remembered the way Andre's mom looked at me at the store when I went to get bathing suits. Maybe I should have gotten the one piece.

We descended down the stairs with the sound of the waterfall increasing the intensity in my heart. It will be just the two of us. Andre walked casually in front of me and we finally made it to the bottom of the hill. The waterfall was coming from a rectangular hole under the balcony outside the room I slept in. The water flowed like a river but it instantly stopped at the pool's edge making a few waves outside the ledge of the pool.

On the left of the stairs was a gate which led to the garden. This side of the gate we were on looked like a combination of a forest and a beach-if that was possible. Andre jumped into the pool, splashing me.

"What are you waiting for?!" he asked "Can't swim?"

I could swim. I just wasn't ready to strip off the towel I had around my body.

"Come on Madison," he urged. "Madison!Madison!Madison!"

"I rolled my eyes at him and walked around the water to a tree. Andre somehow disappeared so I stood up and went to look for him. Before I knew it, my towel was stripped from my body and I was pushed in the pool.

That jerk!

I swam up to the top to find him smiling at me.

"I don't think turtles like to stay in their shell," he said, coming towards me. " So why should you?"

"Well I'm not a turtle." I told him.

"You are one," Then he winked. "A cute one I will say."

He grabbed him in his arms and carried me on top of the water, spinning. "Come on Madison! Get out of your shell!"

"Put me down!" I squealed

He stopped spinning and brought his face close to mine. He had a mischievous grin on. "You sure?"

I looked at him for a moment and smiled. "Pretty sure."

He fake-dropped me, making me scream. "I don't think so."

He set me on my feet in the water and I pushed him down. I went under the water and kicked him, then swam away. So we played tag in the water for the next half hour and then I got tired and decided to explore the waterfall. There's always a hidden cave on the back of the waterfall, which I saw in movies, so I went behind this one. I found two water guns

So he was planning this all along

I filled one of the water guns and went to attack, bringing the other empty one with me-just to be fair. He was drying himself with the towel and I started squirting him. Then we got into another game of tag in the garden. I felt like a soldier in a battle with the gun firmly in my hands but before I could make another attack, I bumped right into him and dropped my gun. He held my wrists before I could reach for it and came close to my face.

"You. Lose."

I don't know if it was because we were close or because we were half-naked but I could feel the temptation rising and once again, I caved in. The tingling on my lips came back when we started kissing and it wasn't long before we made it back in the house and continued on the couch. He wrapped a blanket around us and minus his weight on top of mine, I didn't mind. I just hope that everything wouldn't go wrong from here.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
-Nicki Minaj
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 6:17 am
joshuapaul says...



AngelKnight900 wrote:
Spoiler! :
Yeah, this is not my strongest chapter so I would really appreciate reviews.


Madison

My lips still tingled from that kiss last night. I got out of bed in a daze and almost fell in the shower. As the water splattered on my skin, I started thinking about how to face Andre today.

Should I give him a hug or maybe a kiss on the cheek?Or should I just act cool and just smile?


So girly. But it's a pretty good intro.

Yesterday was awesome and I never thought that going on a date could make you feel so free. It wasn't love but deep in my heart, I could feel it was soon to be
.

Don't say 'awesome.' In one hand it gives your character voice but on the other it is amateurish and really doesn't give the reader much insight into how she feels. Awesome doesn't evoke comparison or feeling in the reader.

I walked downstairs barefoot, in my plaid shirt and skinny jeans. He didn't wake up yet, so I decided to make breakfast.


Lace these details in. Don't simply describe how she looks. eg,

The hard wood was cold under my barefeet, but plaid shirt kept me warm from waist up.


Okay I'm not going to continue the line by line because it is all the same stuff. I like the tight way you open and close this chapter with parallel descriptions. I think you need to strengthen the images throughout. Make the scenes come of the page, use all the senses. You give your narrator a unique voice, but in doing so you limit the description a little by making her too real, she has to convey more than average people in her thoughts, because we have to care about her.

Anyway that is all for now,
keep at it,
JP
Read my latest
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 9:07 am
LindsayG says...



Again, Joshua has said everything that needs to be said, but wait for it! I have something.

This was a classic boy girl story...it really never gets old. I loved this sort of voiceovers that she seems to be having and I really like that Andre comes off as a tease, it just makes the story so much better!

Just a niptick though, you didn't really say the reason for the visit, I mean he and Andre just talked about her and that was it...so why was he there?

Besides that, like i already said, this was beautiful, enchanting...gosh, I'm such a romantic...lolx

This was definitely my favorite part.
Madison

My lips still tingled from that kiss last night. I got out of bed in a daze and almost fell in the shower. As the water splattered on my skin, I started thinking about how to face Andre today.

Should I give him a hug or maybe a kiss on the cheek?Or should I just act cool and just smile?

I never thought that today was going to be the day I would be worrying about how to act in front of a boy. I mean, yesterday I practically ate my plate at dinner. Oh, that was so embarrassing but at least he laughed through it. Yesterday was awesome and I never thought that going on a date could make you feel so free. It wasn't love but deep in my heart, I could feel it was soon to be.

I walked downstairs barefoot, in my plaid shirt and skinny jeans. He didn't wake up yet, so I decided to make breakfast.

Okay, time to make the breakfast fit for my husband I laughed at the word 'husband'. Yet, the way he slept there on the couch, peacefully, I started to feel some attachment to him.

Ding-dong

I didn't know if it was safe to open the door and Andre was sound asleep.

Ding-dong

Andre didn't move an inch, so I went to the door and opened it.

"Tyler?!"

"Madison?!"

I wasn't expecting to see May's boyfriend here, nevertheless have any relations with Andre which must explain his appearance. But that was being judgmental; not a positive trait.

"So, what's up?" he asked, scratching the back of his head.He often did this when he was nervous.He was blushing immensely.

"Umm...not much. You know, enjoying this summer." I replied

"I can see that." he said this with a wink

I playfully punched him in the arm. "Not like that Tyler."

"Really? Andre is a ladies man and you're the last girl I would expect to have made it inside his house."

"It's complicated."

Before Tyler could say anymore, Andre stood behind me.Did I mention, he did so without a shirt. This was both not a good image but a wonderful sight.

"Tyler, what are you doing here?" he asked, sternly. He pushed me behind him. "Madison, just wait for me in the living room."

I did what he said but I could hear their conversation.

"So what are you and Madison doing here? You know, alone" Tyler said

"She's staying over"

What?!

"So how long has this been going on?"

"Not long."

"Dude, there's something that you're not telling me."

"What do you mean?"

"Just a couple of days ago, May calls and starts crying. She kept saying 'Madison is gone. They took her' and here I am. In this house with you and her. I'm not going to assume that you took her but then again..."

"Tyler, you're my friend but I can't tell you."

"Can I at least tell May she's okay?"

There was a long silence after that. "No."

"You don't trust me with this, do you?"

"Look, I didn't get a good look at those guys but they could be anyone. Just one mention about Madison and then, bamn!" Then he lowered his voice to a whisper. "Just keep this to yourself, okay?"

"But her friends deserve to know-"

"They do but would you take the risk?"

Tyler let out an exhausted sigh. "You are taking care of her, right?" He had a joking tone in his voice.

"Shut up," Then Andre lowered his voice even more. "I care about her okay. Last thing I want to do, is mess up everything."

"Haha, Andre is in love."Tyler said a little too loud which made me giggle. "Okay, but remember. She's not like your past girlfriends."

The door shut and Andre came in the living room. Yes, he was shirtless which made this moment even more awkward.

"Don't open the door without telling me ever again," he said, in a relaxed tone. " We can't risk someone knowing your location."

I looked straight ahead and nodded my head.

"Madison, will you look at me?"

I wasn't the superficial type but who could miss the beauty of his-

Madison, look beyond his image

"Yes."

"Do you understand me?"

I was close to saying "Yes, Dad" but this wasn't a joking matter, so I nodded my head and walked out of the living room.

"You want to go out in the pool?" he asked, right behind me.

I stopped and then thought about it. "Okay,"
I write because there's nothing left to say...
  








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