z

Young Writers Society


Need.



Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 907
Reviews: 8
Mon Sep 05, 2011 1:16 pm
danielle17 says...



Brookelyn's POV

Today was my fifth year of education, meh. Thankfully this would be my second last year. I'd survived four years in this hell of a private boarding school 'Mayor Academy' so the prospect of only having to deal with another two was bright. I had begged and pleaded with my parents countless amounts of times to let me go to public school but my father always said I was a smart kid and as long as he had the money to sent me to the 'best school in Britain' I was stuck here. And I knew the money wasn't about to dry up anytime soon. You see, I was Brookelyn Vera Leighton, daughter of famous millionare business man Alfred Leighton. He owned a chain of five star hotels across the UK and was currently expanding his business abroad.

It was pretty tragic I didn't enjoy 'Mayor Academy'. I should. I wasn't bullied and I wasn't invisible though at times I wished I were. Everyone knew who my father was. Everyone could guess the amount of money my family were hidding away in a bank account and this made me popular, very popular. Popular by name 'Leighton'. It didn't help I was a straight A student either as this made me popular with the teachers as well as the students. Everyone at Mayor Academy expected so much of me. The students expected me to be wearing the coolest clothes, the teacher expected me to never let my grades slip and basically somehow ever since I was twelve years of age and first arrived at Mayor four years ago everyone expected me to be this perfect 'IT' girl. And I felt under pressure to be that way. So for four years I shut up, smiled and prentened like I was happy to be the 'IT' girl and live in a fantasy perfect world.

Right now I was in my dorm room. My father paid extra each year so I could have my own room and not have to share. This was one thing I was deeply grateful for. Sometimes I need my space. I gave myself the 'once over' in my bedroom mirror. Black skirt that sat just above knee lengh, plain white shirt, black blaser and the green and grey school tie with my two inch black heels. My natural curled, light brown hair sat just past my shoulders and I had spent ages doing my make-up so it was flawless. I would have happily worn old trousers and dirty trainers, hair shoved back with next to none make-up but the flawless, neat look was what everyone expected of me and I wasnt going to disapoint. I had role as this pretty, popular, good girl student which pleased everyone. Pleasing people was good. I glanced at my alarm clock on my bedside table. 8:14 am i had time I have something to eat and to catch with my Marie-Louise and Cassidy my two bestfriend, ask them about there summer before the first lesson of the day began, which was french. I grabbed my book bag and headed to the dining area to find my girls.

Tylers POV

"Stupid poxy private school." I muttered under my breath staring up at the Modern, Stately home like building. After years of cutting public school classes and six months doing time in a Young Offenders Detention Centre this place was going to take alot of getting used to. Clearly I wasn't here by choice. When I was finally let out after doing time the judge or whoever decided I was a smart kid and he didn't want me to go back to the same scene and once again fuck things up. He spoke to Annetta, my good for nothing mother and she agreed a change of scene was good. Yeah. She just wanted rid of me so she could pop her pills in piece. The Court had a word with the private school known as Mayor Academy. Hell knows what they said but the fools let me on an art scholorship and now I was here 'on a mission to change my life for the greater good' in the words of my mother. Yeah, whatever.

Right now I was inside Miss Mayor, The headteachers office.
"Tyler Harper." she beamed glancing at the two rucksacks I'd brought into the office with me.

"My clothes." I muttered.

"Yes, of course but you do now its school policy to search all pupils bags before they take them to there dorm, Mr Harper."

"Knock yourself out." I said dumping the bags on her office floor. As if I were stupid enough to hide anything in my bags.

"Speaking of dorms your room number is 24. You'll be sharing with another student. Jason Reed." The head teacher informed me, no longer beaming. I often had that effect on people. I remained silent pissed off at the idea of sharing 'my space'. Miss Mayor continued "Heres your timetable. You'll have enough time to see your dorm, which is a seperate building off campus, and get dressed into something suitable for lessons." Miss Mayor eyed my baggy jeans slung so low you could see my black Calvin Klein briefs and my red adidas hoody. "I can arrage for a guide to show you about the first few days?"

"I'm sure I'll manage fine. Make sure you drop my bags off when your done searching them." I muttered opening the office door and heading to were I was told the dorms were. I spared a look at the timetable I had been handed. French. Great I didn't speak a word of the lanuage.
Danielle
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 936
Reviews: 12
Mon Sep 05, 2011 2:20 pm
View Likes
Rahul says...



Hey.. I like it just be a little easy make it simple and easy to re dares
  





Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Mon Sep 05, 2011 4:56 pm
JordanMcAdam11 says...



it was not a good book btw
  





User avatar
1417 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
Mon Sep 05, 2011 9:40 pm
View Likes
Noelle says...



Hi there!

This is a good start. Your characters are great, two complete opposites. You did a great job describing both of them, telling us exactly what we needed to know. I also like the way you told this by each of their perspectives. I feel like it wouldn't be as effective if you had used third person instead. Since you're using first person it'll be easier for you to get inside the character's heads and really show us what they're thinking.

I just have a couple of things to critique about your work. Reading through, I found several spelling errors, but they looked like simple typing errors. There were also a couple times where you switched from present to past tense. One example:

Right now I was in my dorm room.

At the beginning of this sentence you were in present tense, but the last bit is in past tense. You should change it so it says something along the lines of:

"Right then, I was in my dorm room."
-or-
"At that moment, I was in my dorm room."

That way you keep the whole sentence in past tense and the meaning doesn't change at all. Make sense?

Overall this is a good start. I hope you continue this! Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

* * *

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

YWS is life
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 907
Reviews: 8
Tue Sep 06, 2011 8:15 pm
danielle17 says...



gee this is cringy but how do you add new chapters to your work...it sucks being new lol
Danielle
  





User avatar
46 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 908
Reviews: 46
Fri Sep 09, 2011 9:25 pm
View Likes
SteppinRazor says...



Brooklyn and Tyler.. I love these names! I like the start it's already interesting and I can't wait to see what goes down!

Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad
Down down down down
  








“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell