Young Writers Society

Para Inlese? Hablas Ingles?




Splash


I gasped as I felt cold water poured on me, I made to wipe my face but realized I was still tied, only this time I was in a sitting position.

I blinked a couple of times trying to get the water out of my eyes. There was light, I could see everything, even the dripping sink. I was indeed in a basement, an almost empty basement.

There was about three drawers, some chairs, a small desk, and that one small light on the ceiling. The floor was a dark gray color. And I noticed I was too high up in this position to set my feet down.

Someone cleared their throat, I automatically snapped my head in the direction.Standing there was a man, a small shadow cast on him, which prevented me from seeing his whole face.

I remained quiet.

And then he stepped out of the shadow and stepped towards me.

I looked him over, he was a big burly man, with dark hair slicked back, a pointy nose, and very blue eyes. He was wearing what looked to be a very expensive suit, and he had this air of dominance.

I saw him smirk.

He probably thinks I'm checking him out, well I am, but not because I like him or anything he's not that attractive.

"Well, your finally awake." he spoke. His voice was low and rude.

I said nothing.

"What is your name?"

Silence.

"Ah, so we have a mute do we?"

I still refused to say anything.

I just stared at him blankly.

"Do you speak English? Hablas Ingles?" he said and added, "Parla Inglese?"

I still said nothing.

He walked closer and brought his face to mine almost till our noses touched.

He smiled , but it was not a friendly one.

"Listen, I advise you talk or there will be consequences."

He stood and opened up his jacket, placing his hand on the gun he had in a holster.

"Well are you going to talk?"

Before I even realized it he slapped me, with the back of his hand.

I began heaving, the pain was tremendous, I looked up and felt a little dizzy.

"So, one more time, what is your name?"

I was still breathing roughly I couldn't register anything.I looked up and felt another blow to my head and I felt something sliding down my cheek, I knew it was blood.

I felt disoriented, my mind was whirling and I felt dizzy beyond.
Last thing I remember is seeing black.

Splash

I let out a scream.

The water was extremely hot, I gasped and felt my skin burning, and my left eye stung.

"Enough of that! Tell me your name now!"

"N-no." I barely managed out in a whisper.

"So she has a voice."

"No," I repeated, this time more affirming.

"No?" he mimicked.

I shook my head.

He looked at me curiously, I saw the corners of his mouth twitch, but then he began glaring with his icy blue eyes.

"The Boss won't like this." he said and left.

And here I am again, alone and with more questions.

This sucks.



"She won't talk?"

"No Boss, she's a strong one."

"Joaquin, when I give you a task, I expect you to deliver."

"I know, but I tried everything, she won't break."

"Without her information, we can't get ransom, without ransom I get no money, and we both know that's not a good thing."

"I want you to bring her to me."

"Yes Boss, when?"

"Now."




"Don't be frightened, I'm not going to hurt you."

My eyes remained wide and my breathing would not slow down.

"Calm down , I'm here to clean you up, The Boss wants to see you."

She was of fair height, olive colored skin, gray eyes and curly shoulder length hair.

She was a very pretty.

"My name is Frenchie." she said softly. Grabbing a cloth and dipping it in water she began patting my face. When she got to my left eye I couldn't help but flinch.

"Oh that Joaquin, he is such a brute a savage brute." she cursed under her breathe.

I looked at her with hopeful eyes, she could free me, she seemed nice enough.

"Don't look at me like that," she sighed.

"I wish I could help you, but-but I can't." she whispered.

"Why?" I whispered.

She looked behind her at the stairs making sure no one was there.

"Because he will kill me, and-and I have a family to take care of." she whispered and took a breathe, then looked at me with sad eyes and said,

"I'm sorry."

I only nodded my head slightly, in a way I understood why she couldn't help.

"There all done, now let me brush your hair."

She continued detangling my hair, brushing it softly.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Frenchie?" came a third voice.

We both stared in the direction of said voice.

"It's time to take her."

"Ok Alec," she responded.

So finally a face to the name. Alec was a tall man slender and lean, he had shaggy sandy brown hair, and brown eyes. All in all he was fairly attractive, and the way he looked at Frenchie, proved he cared a lot for her.



"Ah, we finally meet. Joaquin here says you've been quite difficult darling."

The man before me was The Boss everyone referred to. He was elderly over the age of 50, short man with light colored skin, his eyes were slanted inwards which made him look angry, but the expression on his face right now was pure amusement.

"Still silent I see."

"I'll just cut to the chase then, what I need is for you to tell me about you. If you don't start cooperating, I will find your family and kill them and you as well. I could do that right now of course, but for business purposes I need you alive, and I need them worried and ready to offer any amount."

I just stared at him, how could someone so calm looking be so evil.

"So how 'bout some simple introductions."

"My name is Emile, but I am to be addressed as Boss, what is your name pet?" he said.

I don't know what came over me but I snapped,

"None of your damn business, Emile," I said emphasizing his name.

"Tsk tsk, I would not take such actions dear. I can be very nasty when upset."

"I don't care, I don't know you nor do I want to."

"You must have misunderstood dear, if you don't cooperate, you Will suffer tremendously, think of your family, and what I could do."

My heart stopped, I suddenly felt heavy, as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders.It was a lose-lose situation, if I gave info they'd terrorize my family, if I didn't they would do the same.

I glared at him.

"Woah, take it easy." he said lifting his hands in mock surrender.

"If you ever want to see your family again I suggest you talk."

"How old are you?"

I decided to oblige,

"21."

"Do you go to school?"

"I did," I said rolling my eyes.

"Well-," he was cut off by Joaquin, "Boss."

Emile turned to him, "What is it?"

"There's a problem."

"Well?"

"It's your wife." he paused and continued carefully, "She wants to know what that yelling in moaning was that was coming from the basement, she wants to speak with you right now."

Emile's eyes went wide for a moment.

I observed him,

And then I smirked, he turned to me with his eyebrows furrowed.

"Well, don't you have a dirty little secret." I said tauntingly.

His expression immediately went cold.

"Watch it." he said in a low voice.

I only smirked more.

Then he began to eye me mischievously. I looked at him questioningly.

"Joaquin, bring in Leon."

"Yes Boss."

And he smiled at me,

"I think I found a place for you."

And I almost crapped my pants.

Much better, your portrayal of the main character is greatly improved from the last chapter. She shows much more emotion, and I get a much better idea of what kind of character she is. She isn't just laying there emotionless. One thing I enjoy about your writing is how you aren't trying to metaphor everything. You are simply telling the story, and it makes for fun, light reading. The only thing I think you could improve on is your transistions. There is a great opportunity to explore the setting, to really get a feel for the type of situation she is in. The scene where she is talking to the boss, where is she? Is she still in the basement or what? And in a larger scale, where is she? Is she in some Townhouse basement, or a mansion in the countryside? The transistion between when she is in the basement and when she is talking to the Boss is a great opportunity to explore that. Otherwise, great reading, love it a lot right now, can't wait to read more. I'm going to shut up now.

Hey! Me again!

Once again I am impressed. I love what you're doing with the character, but I think she could have a bit more depth. If this was just a pamphlet or short story I could understand it more, but if you plan on expanding this into a novel then you are going to need A LOT more detail overall. It was another good chapter the only thing that bothered me is something that has occured in all three chapters thus far. Your format in the dialogue. For example...

Do you speak English? Hablas Ingles?" he said.

"Parla Inglese?"

and here...

"So how 'bout some simple introductions."

"My name is Emile, but I am to be addressed as Boss, what is your name pet?" he said.

There really isn't any point in breaking up the dialogue if it continues to come from the same person. This just results in making it choppy. Keep the dialogue together in the proper paragraph formating. Other than that this story continues to captivate me and has great potential.

Love, fruity!

I agree with the other people, you did improve since the last chapter. but there was some lines that you could improve at like the last line And I almost crapped my pants in my opinion that isnt good writing you could have showed her to be more frighted and when shes getting tortured you could show her brave but on the inside her very much in fear.
Can't wait til the next chapter:)

Hey..I Like it just one thing

you wrote
someone cleared their voice it just pops out..
Write something like this

I hear footsteps near me, i shut my eyes but i could her the breath, it was clear the person is near me.. I saw him, (his description) then he cleared his voice, you wrote 'their' voice, first show your character then mention the voice

The grey floor also don't match with the flow, change it, it should flow with the line..Though you have improved a lot, i really appreciate it...I liked the fear and the harsh treatment the protagonist is suffering, just clear the story a little and you are running i guess so, just correct it a little..

Happy Writing!!!