Young Writers Society

"Look, look there are kids down there!"

A sigh came from around the corner. "Anita, that's the fourth time you've claimed that someone has come close to--"

"No, really, look!" Anita insisted. The man rolled his eyes and floated over to the window, expecting to see nothing but the blinding moon light. But to his suprise, he saw a young girl and boy, wandering towards the castle.

"We must tell Eric at once!"

"No," Anita demanded. "He must not know any of this, Raymond. Do you know what would happen?"

Raymond shook his head. "We always have to report to Eric, it's the number one rule of this castle!"

"Yeah, and once he gets his slimy little hands on these kids, they're done for."

Raymond opened his mouth to say something back, but decided against it. He simply nodded, floated back to the middle of the room and continued sweeping.

Anita stayed by the window, watching the two teenagers walk closer. Her heart started pounding. If only she could somehow get them to enter the castle, then everything would be fine. They could help her! All she had to do was lure them in somehow.

She let out an excited sqeaul, causing Raymond to knock over the bucket of water near his feet.

"Damn it, Anita! What's wrong with you now?"

"Make it storm, please?" she asked. Raymond stared at her, trying to figure out what she was up to. But her face didn't change. In fact, she looked like a happy school girl, something she hadn't been for a very, very long time.

"Fine," he responded, wandering to the far side of the room. "But I'm telling you now, if Eric finds out, he's gonna throw a fit. And I'm going to blame you because it's all your fault. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Just start it up." Anita said, not taking her eyes off of the kids. Lightning flashed across the sky as the machine behind her sputtered to life.

"We haven't used this thing in a while," Raymond coughed, waving his hand in front of his face, trying to push away the dark cloud the machine had produced. He heard thunder clap against the night sky and hurried over to stand next to Anita. The two teenagers were staring at the sky, no doubt wondering how a storm could develope so quickly. And then the rain came, in buckets rather than drops.

"Look, there running towards the doors," Anita said excitedly. "Let's go get them!" She turned and froze in her spot.

"Go get who," a chilling voice asked her. Anita looked at Raymond who was giving her a I-told-you-not-to-do-anything-stupid kind of look. The man in front of them stood tall, waiting. He crossed his arms and hardened his gaze. "Explain."

Ha ha.. that was a good one

I thought this was delightful. It did seem a little rushed - not the pace of the story, but I think a couple more edits before you posted would have made it a little stronger. It seems what this is lacking is a little more imagery. The dialgogue is wonderful and the premise is original, it seems, but the image and the descriptions are a little lacking. I particularly enjoyed the last conclusion. I could see this as a short story as it is, tighten it up, douse it with imagery and you will be grand. I look forward to the next part.

JP

Hi Noelle!

What an interesting premise! Silly teenagers trying to get into a castle which is obviously something they shouldn't be doing, lol. It'll be interesting to see where you go with this. I am guessing that the two teenagers are lovers of sorts? Or maybe it's Raymond and Anita!

I just want to point out a couple of typos first and then talk about the more important things.

She let out an excited sqeaul <-- should be "squeal"

No doubt wondering how a storm could develope so quickly <-- should be "develop"

Okay, with that done, let's talk about the more important things! You said that you are looking to make this as non-confusing as you can. With that said, there were a couple of points that kind of confused me. First of all... what are they, exactly? Since they're floating and they're in a castle, I am assuming they are ghosts, but then Raymond tripped on a bucket of water, so I am not exactly sure.

Also, I realize that they fear Eric, for whatever reason, but I am not sure why, nor am I certain of the hierarchy. Obviously, he is in charge, but I am not quite sure what else this means. Nor am I sure what form Eric is in. I know that, obviously, Anita doesn't quite like him. So, I want to find more about him in the subsequent chapters.

Keep going!

This was a wonderful start to the novel. I really can't find anything negative about it so I'm just going to with the positive. Lol. I liked this girl Anita and I want to know why are they in this castle and why she wants these teenagers to come and rescue her. You instantly got my attention. Good Job. Can't wait to read the rest of your novel.

This is a great start, I'm already hooked! This idea struck me as VERY unique. I've never heard of anything like this, so BRAVO for creativity! Yeah! I truly have nothing negative to say. This piece is fabulous. Your writing is fabulous. Thank you for posting this so that many more may read and enjoy it. Keep on writing.


--Maya

Go a little slower next time, describe the surroundings a little more. I think its good keep up the good work, just make sure to slow down great things cant be rushed.