Young Writers Society

The woods were scary that night. Leslie held tight to Cody as the path in front of them nearly disappeared in the dark. The trees glared at her, as if they would jump out and grab her. How dare she walk through their woods? She wasn’t welcome there.

A bat flew close by her ear and she let out a scream, running into Cody’s outstretched arms.

“It’s all right,” he said. “Just a bat, it won’t hurt you.”

“How much longer until we’re there,” Leslie asked, shivering. Cody had promised a bonfire on the other side of the woods, a long way away from their campsite. “It’s cold out here.” She continued, wrapping her jacket closer to her body.

“We’re not that far,” Cody commented, laughing to himself. “Just a couple of steps this way,” he took Leslie’s hand and, before she knew it, they were out of the woods. Leaving her standing at the edge, Cody headed towards the pile of sticks he had set out earlier and put a match to it. Leslie watched in awe as they were engulfed by flames.

“You like it?” he asked. Leslie nodded and plopped down on the grass, relieved to feel warmth against her face. Cody poked at it a while before he finally set himself down next to Leslie, who was sure that he was going to make a move.

Cody had been her best friend as long as she could remember. But lately, Leslie felt they could be something more. Unfortunately, Cody had yet to feel the same way, but Leslie was trying her hardest. She had promised herself that by the end of the year, she would get him to fall in love with her.

They both sat in silence for a while, gazing up at the sky, watching the clouds roll in. Leslie watched as the fire dwindled a bit to reveal the tip of…what was it? Getting up, she wandered around the fire, trying to find what the point belonged to.

“What’s up,” Cody asked, following her around the flames. She pointed and he smiled. “Oh, you found the castle, huh? Isn’t it cool?” Leslie nodded.

The castle was tall and medieval looking. The gray stones almost blended in with the dark mountain hovering over its tattered windows. Leslie wandered closer, wanting to get a better look. Cody trailed behind her.

“I wonder what this place is like inside,” she wondered aloud as she peeked through a window. Cody reached out and pulled her back.

“Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea. There’s a no trespassing sign just around the corner…”

“C’mon,” Leslie said. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“No, I really don’t think we should.” Cody said, pulling her away. She was about to follow him back to the fire when it started to rain. She felt the first rain drop and looked up. Then it started to pour. Thunder followed shortly and Leslie pulled Cody towards the castle.

Without hesitation, they both pushed at the doors. They swung open with a loud screech. Leslie stumbled in, pulling Cody in after her. They both leaned over to catch their breath, but were startled by a loud sound. They both whipped around and stared at the closed doors that were open just a few seconds earlier.

“Weren’t they just—“

“Yeah,” Leslie breathed. “We’re stuck in here.”

“Well, we better take a look around then, huh?” Cody asked. Taking Leslie’s hand, he led her down the hall, deeper into the castle.

Wow! I really like it. Your vocabulary is awesome, but I think you can put it to even better use. You got the point across of what they were doing but it would have been even better to see more detail. You have a good plot going but I think you can take it farther.
Like in the begining, you could go in a little bit more of their surrounding. I understand it was the scary woods, but you didn't make me (the reader) feel scared. If something is going to be scary, I want to know about it. What was so scary about this forest?

And also, here's a quick correction in purple:

A bat flew close by her Leslie's ear and she let out a piercing scream running into Cody’s outstretched arms. (Outstretched? Was it an embrace or did she just clumsily run into his arm?)

And also:

Cody had been her best friend as long as she could remember. But lately, Leslie felt they could be something more (You can say a little more here on what she feels). The reader may not understand it's love that she feels). Unfortunately, Cody had yet to feel the same way, but Leslie was trying her hardest (What was she doing to prove her love?). She had promised herself that by the end of the year, she would get him to fall in love with her.(Why does she love him? Is he gorgeous, kind, sweet, or is it lust?)

Just remember to question yourself when writing: Who? What? When? Where? Why? And that's all I really have to say for now. Overall, very awesome, I'm excited for the next chapter! I want to see what happens!

Hey Noelle,

I loved reading your story, your idea was very original adding romance to an adventure.
Please PM me when you post chapter 2, i really can't wait to see what happens!

Great first part. I will try my best to point out some aspects that I think could be improved upon. I noticed that throughout the chapter the narration either intentionally or not feels as if it is from a child's perspective. I think, if it is intentional, it should be somewhat more descriptive and contain more advanced imagery. I really think that there was a very good opportunity to set up a strong and intense atmosphere in the first paragraph. Below I will include some changes that I would have made. Also, when trying instill fear into the readers it's often a good idea to use something that is natural and enhance it man fold. For example when you talk about the trees instead of them jumping make them reach out their branches and grab her. A tree that can move its branches at will makes me scared because it's semi realistic since trees do move with the wind and are "alive", as supposed to them jumping which is much more far fetched. So here are the little changed I would have included for the first paragraph and should be treated as an example because everyone has different style.
"In was night time. The usually dark forest appeared to be even more dark and uninviting than usual. The trees seemed to be chanting, talking to each other in a eerie and ominous sounds. Leslie held tight to Cody as the path in front of them was visible and seemed to disappear in darkness. The trees glared at her, moving with the winds as if trying to extend their long branches and clinch her in their powerful grip. She was not welcome. How dare she walk through their woods? "
I think that the scene where they travel through the woods can be extended as it gives perfect opportunity to play with readers' emotions. In the part where Cody and Leslie watched the night sky I wanted a bit more imagery and also I felt that there wasn't enough description there to know that it was night time without reading from the beginning. Again I feel that the "trip" to the castle should be extended. I would have liked to feel excitement, marvel and fascination with the castle when it came into the scene. The grand size of the castle, its might, its feel, its atmosphere.
Overall though very good job. It definitely got my interest and imagination running. I shall await chapter 2

I like this and I'm interested about your story. The only thing that I'm unsure of is the ending. I think that the chapter may have been a little too short but you're the author here. Keep me updated because I'm interested in this story and where it's going to lead.