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Castle on a Hill- Chapter 2



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Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:56 am
Noelle says...



“Cody, this is kind of freaky,” Leslie said, walking closer to him. Cody simply laughed.

“You were the one who wanted to go in here in the first place. Where’s your sense of adventure?” he mocked. Leslie playfully punched him on the arm.

The hall was dark, nothing to light the way. They were walking blindly, not really sure where they were going. Cody had one hand on the wall, trying to find a light to turn on. But suddenly, the hall was illuminated in a soft glow. Leslie gasped as she took in her surroundings.

The hall was long and spacious, a red, satin rug claiming most of the tiles beneath their feet. The walls were a pale, off-white color, clashing with the deep black tiles and the red rug. It was as if the castle was fighting within itself, trying to decide whether to be light and full of life, or dark without a care in the world.

Cody and Leslie had made it almost all of the way down the hall and were face to face with a huge door. Reaching out, Cody jiggled the handle, but it didn’t open.

“Well, there goes that idea. Maybe we should--" Cody turned around and let out a yelp, jumping backwards. Leslie turned around as well and gasped.

Standing where they were a few minutes ago was a man. He was tall and skinny and he wore a fancy coat. His shoes were polished and his hair was combed and done up perfectly.

“Welcome to my castle,” he said, his voice soft, but firm. “Are you enjoying your stay?”

“I’m so sorry, sir,” Cody said. “It started to storm and we needed some shelter. We didn’t mean to trespass. We’ll just leave now…”

“Oh, but I quite enjoy visitors,” the man responded. “Why don’t you stay a while? Come. My servants will find you a room.”

Leslie and Cody shrugged and followed the man. As they left a room, the lights would turn off and the ones in the next room would turn on. There were no light switches and the man didn’t stumble from his path.

“Raymond! Anita,” the man snapped, stopping suddenly. “Get down here at once.” There was a rustle of something coming from above them and the sound of pounding feet came shortly. A moment later, a man and a woman came down the stairs and bowed to the man.

“Master Jackson, what may we do for you?” the woman, Anita, said. It could’ve just been Leslie’s imagination, but it looked as if she was trembling.

The man turned to face Cody and Leslie, a cool look upon his face. “Take these two to a nice room. They will be spending the night.”

“Yes sir,” Raymond responded. “Right this way, kids.” He motioned for them to follow and seemed to float up the steps ahead of them. Leslie followed, dragging Cody behind her. She could tell that he didn’t want to be there.

Just as they reached the top of the long, spiraled stairs, the man called out to them. “You will join me for a lovely dinner tonight,” he announced. “You will find clothes tucked into the dressers in your room. Please enjoy the night.” Leslie snuck a look at Cody, and when she looked back, the man was gone.

“Please, come this way,” Anita said, motioning for them to follow her. Leslie took a deep breath and followed. She was led to a small room that looked similar to the hall she was just in. The tiles were pitch-black and a giant rug sat in the middle of the floor. The walls were the same off-white color and it made Leslie want to throw up.

“Isn’t there another color scheme used in this castle?” she asked.

“The master enjoys these colors,” Raymond said. “So we use them.”

“It’s very bland, if you don’t mind me saying,” Cody commented as he walked to the center of the room. There was a single bed, sitting in the middle of the red circled rug. “And, do you happen to have another bed? Or maybe another room that one of us could sleep in?”

Anita and Raymond looked at each other and shook their heads.

“The master insisted that this be saved as the guest room. You aren’t allowed in any other room unless invited in.” Raymond said. But by the look on his face, Cody could tell that he didn’t agree with his master.

“Make yourselves comfortable. We will be back shortly to collect you for dinner.” Anita said before her and Raymond snuck out of the room.

“They’ll be back to ‘collect us’ for dinner,” Cody asked in disbelief. “We already ate dinner, what happens if we don’t go?”

Leslie shook her head. “I’m too scared to find out. That man gives me the creeps. Did you see how he was looking at us? It was as if he wanted us dead or something.”

“Well, there is a no trespassing sign outside. No doubt he doesn’t want any visitors.”

“Yeah, but he could’ve been nicer about it. Besides, he’s letting us stay, isn’t he?”

Cody sighed. “Let’s just get changed out of these clothes and put some fresh ones on. After dinner’s over, we can think about what we’re going to do.”

He pulled open the top drawer of the dresser and pulled out a tailored suit. Grimacing, he wandered to the bathroom and shut the door. Taking a deep breath, Leslie also reached inside the drawer and pulled out a long, deep green dress. Sighing sadly, she sat on the bed, waiting for Cody to emerge from the bathroom. She hated wearing dresses.

It was going to be a long night.
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

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Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:07 am
sweethearts says...



Hey Noelle,

I thought it was an amazing follow up on chapter one and i loved reading every single bit of it!
You have used so much description to show the reader the atmosphere and the situation the main characters are in. I would love to see more romance though, maybe because i just love reading sweet and romantic stuff :).

I think that you have written it perfectly, i have no idea what you need to improve on.
Thanks for notifying me that chapter two is out.
from, sweet<3 :)
  





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Sat Sep 24, 2011 12:01 am
goFish22 says...



Hi there!
I stumbled across your novel and I really like it! I can't wait to read the next chapters. I think you did a great job building suspense and the mysterious atmosphere.
The only comment I have is that I think a little more "show" and less "tell" would be good. What I mean is that I think you could enhance your writing with more description to create a clearer world. If you describe elements of the situation more, it'll create a more powerful image than just saying that it was dark and freaky. (Does that make sense at all? I'm struggling with this in my own writing as well, so I'm not sure if I'm describing it properly...)
I have no idea where this story is going next, so I'm excited to find out!
~Caitlin
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 9:14 pm
Vettan says...



Another great chapter. I like how your tone, narration and dialogue is consistent with chapter 1. My only suggestion is to add more atmosphere. The events in this chapter have unfolded rapidly and while it's good to have a quick pace I think that it should be slowed down a little to add atmosphere. What I mean by atmosphere is add more description of surroundings, more of how the characters felt (the extent of their fear, concern etc.). Also, I did not feel that the entrance of the castle master was as effective as it could have been, and the same applies to the servants. I think that the last paragraph can be carried over into the next chapter, otherwise the description of the guest room must be presented in this chapter.
Great job. I shall await chapter 3 :)
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards.
  








Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening