z

Young Writers Society


You Lied To Me - Chapter 1



Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 895
Reviews: 2
Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:02 pm
pentapper says...



Chapter 1 - 2 Weeks Away
I threw the last of my hair and make-up into the large suitcase that was already too full. After walking home quickly from school, I had had just enough time to pile almost all of my belongings into the suitcase that my Mom had given me. She was organized, and so she had already packed her suitcase over the last few days.

I know what you're thinking. And, no, i'm not going anywhere with them. My parents are going on holiday to beautiful Majorca. Therefore, I get to spend two whole weeks with my best friend! At first, I was a little upset that my parents were going on holiday without me. But when Kayleigh's Mom offered for me to stay with them for the two weeks, I couldn't wait for my parents to leave.

Me and Kayleigh had spent weeks at school planning what we were going to do and how much fun we were going to have. And we intended to have a lot!

My bedroom door opened and in walked Kayleigh with the biggest grin on her face. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw her. Then the smile disappeared when she saw me with a handful of stuff and an open suitcase.

"Coral, please tell me you're done. If not then we're leaving without you. Me and my Dad have been sat outside in that car for over 20 minutes!" she told me, and my mouth dropped. I hadn't been that long, surely.

My eyes flew to the digital clock on my dressing table and she was right. I thought it had been, like, 5 minutes. My bad. Day-dreaming does that to you.

"Sorry, Kay. I'm done now, I think." I felt bad for taking so long.

"Good. Now, let's go." She said, trying to sound annoyed at me, but, as I knew her so well, I caught the smile in there too.

I closed my bedroom door behind us and Kayleigh and I attempted to drag the suitcase down the narrow stairs. Hmmmm, this was going to be harder than I thought. But Dave was on top of it.

Kayleigh's Dad was quite tall and broad-shouldered. Just the man for the job, I thought to myself.

With ease, he carried the heavy load down the stairs and out the front door. He squeezed it into his car's boot as I said goodbye to my parents.

After lots of hugging and goodbye's, I followed Kayleigh down the garden path and to the end of the drive, where her dad was waiting in the car. I turned back to look at my small but cosy house and sighed. A silent goodbye to my favourite place in the world.

I climbed in the car and let Dave take me to my second favourite place in the world.

The Shorne's House.
  





User avatar
6 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 917
Reviews: 6
Fri Oct 14, 2011 1:34 am
Folius says...



Hello there! So, I find this story quite interesting, though I'm not sure where the plot is going. XD Perhaps it's developed later on in the story? But never mind that.

So I noticed a few errors, but pardon me if I don't point out all of them
First thing I noticed was
I know what you're thinking. And, no

I felt that instead of placing a period, maybe a semi-colon? "I know what you're thinking; and no," so on. Fragments are ok, in my opinion, such as
My bad. Day-dreaming does that to you.
, but not all the time. :P

Oh, and at one point you said "Me and my Dad" It should be My dad and I, I believe. Also, at the last line, instead of writing a new paragraph to state where the main character is going, just place a colon. =P

"my second favourite place in the world: The Shorne's House." I'm just stating what I think would help, but if I'm wrong, do correct me. We are all learning, aren't we? :D

Anyway, I'd like to see more of this, so do continue.
Everything is so troublesome! D:.
  





User avatar
56 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 850
Reviews: 56
Fri Oct 14, 2011 2:37 pm
EvensLily says...



Heya,

Just a few grammatical errors :)
Me and Kayleigh- sorry but I'm picky, it should be Kayleigh and I.
holiday without me. But when - I thought. But but is an connective word, it never starts a sentence, put a comma before the but or start it with a different word.
have. And- again, and is an connective word, it should never start a sentence.
you're done. If not then- get rid of the full stop... you're done, if not

Overall, I thought it was good. I think this story has a lot of potential but I feel like you could use more descriptive language. I found myself wondering off and getting slightly bored... I'm sorry if this upsets you but its my opinion.
Some of the grammatical errors made were quite basic, maybe you should spend slightly more time on making sure the grammar is better before you make a post, Proof-reading.
I will carry on reading though, I love romantic book & films so I can't wait to read more.

Love,
EvensLily xxxxxxxxx
Write and Smile people! X
  








I think the more you understand myths, the more you understand the roots of our culture and the more things will resonate.
— Rick Riordan