Young Writers Society

ksssfa

Hey!

Here are some things noticed/suggestions:
-loved the first paragraph, great way to introduce the characters

wolf like quality --- should be wolf-like quality

as the singer's voice, like a horny angel, primal and sensual, sang just for her, pure possession and passion in their dept (love this description but just note it should be 'singer's voice'

The urge to mark her, so that everyone would know that she was Dara’s was too strong to resist – not that Dara even slightly wanted to – so she bit down roughly, smiling around the ambrosia rushing into her mouth as Lia screamed, coming against her as she slumped, unconscious.

Ok, I to want to know how Dara got Lia out of the cafe (unconscious), after they had just made-out passionately - and I'm thinking loudly, too- and Lia then screamed when Dara bit here. In my local cafe, if a pair of girls were making out, everyone would be staring at them, sad but true. Then if one of them screamed and passed out I would hope someone would get involved. Am I wrong?

comforted by the almost purr coming from the lanky brunette's throat as her head buried into Lia’s neck, lips laying over where a deep red mark was

Yeah, I really liked this. I feel like the supporting characters (Gypsy, small man with braid, Dayan, etc.) have great personalities.

Okay, this is disturbing for a number of reasons. The only reason I read through it was because it was immediately apparent that it was in dire need of review, and I will not by principle review anything I haven't read.

Before I begin my review, which I warn you in advance will be cutting and extremely critical, I want to say a couple of things:

Firstly, I am not against homosexuality, and if you take my review as a prejudiced slur from someone who is just angry and critical, you're making a mistake. I am only reviewing this because I think you need to hear what I have to say.

Secondly, I don't expect that you will appreciate my review for a while. One day, I hope soon, this review's contents will make sense to you.

With that I am going to tell you why your story fails on so many levels.

You apologized for using werewolves and mates for fear that they were cliched. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with werewolves if you build a story around them that is worth telling. As it stands, though, it is not the werewolves that make your story look woefully amateurish, it is the coarse lack of creativity with which you've brought them to the story. It is the lack of tension, real characters and feeling that leaves your story bare of appeal.

For all the mature material in your story, you fall for the most basic primordial, instinctively hormonally immature trap a writer can fall into. You've taken your fantasies and you've splashed them across a piece of paper unsubtly and crudely. And when you fall into this trap as you have, not only do you jeopardize any sense of credibility that a good reader would have, but you kill your fantasies by limiting them to the words you've scrawled across your writing pad.

Telling a good story is about telling more than the words you put on the paper. It's about sending your readers mind through an adventure of their imagination. It's about providing the vehicle to take them to a place that no words can truly describe.

Writing vivid smut about homosexual werewolves biting each other is not going to achieve that goal. Not unless you start telling a story that is about more than hormones, with real stake, with defined individuality of characters, a backdrop that makes a reader wonder what will happen and care about the story enough to invest emotional energy within it.

Over time, you will become aware of the subtleties involved in painting a scene of magical intrigue where mystery lies around every corner, and danger lies behind every door. A scene where your characters are made and crushed by their surroundings and must resort to their virtues to survive their challenges. It matters not whether you're writing action or romance. When done right, neither is about pornography. Neither is about guns and knives. They are both about the emotions and moral choices of the characters that build the story and learning to help a reader share the adventures that lie within.

Good luck
Yoda