Young Writers Society

Chapter Two: Lucas




I was in a small space, somewhere confined and there were no doors leading in or out. There was an endemic odor inside, forcing me to put my hands over my mouth to stop the stench from invading my lungs. But it seeped through the cracks between my fingers anyway, making me cough and retch.
Looking at my palms, I realized they were red and stained with blood. Tears pooled at my waterline but the cry that came out was not my own but a child’s.
Confused and deranged, I looked around the small area. It was about the size of a closet and just as dark as one. Unable to see anything, I felt lost but I couldn’t speak. There were no words coming out.
I needed a door. I needed out.
Shut up! A voice snarled, echoing around me and causing me to coil. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
I flinched at this voice and scooted to the corner, wishing I could vanish from its threatening tone. But it advanced…
Where is he? Where is he?
I shut my eyes pretending I was somewhere else. It was quiet for a while and it made me think I was safe. However, the door opened and I flinched, feeling something cold on my back.
“No!”
I jolted awake, my eyes fluttering open as I blinked into reality. Liliah was hovering over me, her hands slowly lifting off my side. What the hell was she doing here? Her honey-colored hair was wet from a shower and the wet droplets fell from the tip of her hair onto my back.
She gave me a quick concerned look and before her trap opened, I swiftfully slid off the bed as if I didn’t have my reoccurring nightmare and everything was just dandy.
She blinked as if she was processing things in her head and then a large smile crossed her cheeks. “I just came to wake you up,” she said.
I overlooked her and went to my closet to browse through my clothes. From the corner of my eyes, I saw her walk towards the alarm clock.
“I’ll set this up for you so you don’t need me to wake you up in the morning. I was actually going to do it yesterday night but…” she trailed off as she fumbled with the black mechanism. “How does this even work?”
Suddenly the alarm blared and she tossed it into the air like a frightened kitten. It dropped back onto the desk with a thud and she stepped away from it with a hand over her chest.
“Whoa, that scared me,” she chuckled nervously.
Little did she know, I had already set that up last night. I gave her a jaded look and pushed past her, making my way to the bathroom. Once inside, I locked the door and pulled off my shirt. The floor had some hairs on it and I shuddered, crinkling my nose in disgust.
I looked back at the mirror. I was flushed and sweaty, the usual result of bad nightmares. Turning on the tap water, I quickly splashed my face.
There was a rapping at the door. “Luke,” Liliah called, “Um, that blue toothbrush is yours and so is the blue towel. I put it on the hanger for you. It’s been washed. Oh, and I bought you some shavers. They’re in the second drawer to the left.”
I leaned my head back and waited until I heard her leave. Why are you here? My sub-conscious asked. What in the world are you doing here?
‘I’m tired of waiting,’ I told it. ‘Tired of spending countless nights in that damned orphanage and dealing with the emptiness it’s always bought me.’ My chest clenched as I thought about the painful years I spent there.
I needed out.
Sure, I could’ve waited another year to turn eighteen and move out and do things on my own but that would prove to be a difficult task, not to mention that would mean a whole other year in that hellhole. I’d be looking out those godforsaken windows for another 365 days waiting and waiting. I’d lost my patience for that game.
I stared at the pink and blue brush in the holder. I plucked the blue one up and examined it. It was a twin of the pink brush. Same producer, same design. I looked at the towel; it was the same as the pink towel. Both new. She brought matching sets?!
I licked my lips and held the counter in contemplation. Okay, I thought, I could deal with matching toothbrushes, towels and with a stupid ‘sister’ and a respectable single mother. It’s much better than the alternative! I ran the faucet and brushed my teeth vigorously without asking myself any more questions.
Once I finished showering and changing into a black sweater and jeans, I flew downstairs to the kitchen where I hit the waft of breakfast in the making. Dianne was in the middle of the kitchen preparing pancakes and toast while Liliah was on the table picking at her finger nails with a duck face.
“Mom,” she said, “I think I have to get a manicure or something. My fingers get icky so fast.”
Icky?
“Well, you can do that this weekend,” Dianne replied. She turned her eyes on me. “Oh, Lucas, you’re just in time. I’m almost done with the pancakes so why don’t you sit next to Liliah while I get your plates out?”
I wasn’t much of a breakfast person but in all honestly, I just didn’t want to sit patiently next to Liliah, the annoying spawn of the devil. I grabbed an apple from the center of the table instead.
“Lucas, you have to eat before you go to school,” Dianne coaxed me.
I gave her an ‘I’m okay’ smile because I owed the woman that much of an explanation. She frowned at me but I turned for the exit before she could make me feel guilty.
Opening the door, the sun rays blinded my vision. I lifted my arm to cover up the sting and shade myself until I was facing another direction. I had gone to school with Dianne when she took me in for registration so I knew the route and didn’t need any guidance. I could be alone for at least the walk to and fro school.
But of course, that was impossible. After a minute, the sound of stomping feet behind me made me sigh heavily on the inside. Liliah…
“Luke!” she shouted, catching up to me, “you can’t just run off like that. Mom will be upset if you don’t eat.” Her grip tightened on her purse strap as she tried to catch her breath. “She woke up early just to make you breakfast,” she murmured.
There, the pang of guilt hit me but I refused to show it. I made a promise to repay Dianne later for this inconvenience.
“Next time, wait for me so we can go together,” she argued, pouting.
I couldn’t understand why she did this to herself. I was sure I made myself clear yesterday and many days beforehand that I didn’t want to talk to her, or befriend her. Yet, here she was, getting my alarm clock set, buying us matching toothbrushes and following me to school.
She toddled after me, trying to keep up with my quick pace. “I wonder if we have any classes together,” she said in a thick breath. “It’d be nice if we did…” Liliah continued talking.
I wondered if she was crazy or just senseless. Trying to hasten her pace, she tripped over her own foot. Wobbling slightly, she finally regained her balance and continued with the same pace, learning nothing.
Of course, I expected no less from this rock. She was the type of girl who didn’t understand the word surrender in the most annoying way possible. She was loudly spoken, obnoxious and immature and I knew what she wanted from me.
She was a social creature, someone who indulged communication like a flower feeding on sunlight and my ignorance was pissing her off. I knew it all and still, I didn’t want to give her anything.
“Right Luke?” she asked when I didn’t respond.
My eye twitched a little. No, Liliah, no.
She toddled after me until we reached Lake Forest High. Students overpopulated the front lawn like a school of fish. No pun intended. Already, I could see the cliques form in little circles. I rolled my eyes as we approached.
You had your sections of the idiotic preps, ignoramus jocks and their zealous cheerleaders…the art freaks and the band geeks. Nerds and video game weirdoes, the outcast shy kids and the stupid class clowns, they all formed their bubbles of confinement. And I was the loner. I didn’t fit into any of these categories and nor did I intend too.
As I looked up, some lost fish decided to detach himself from the jocks and head in our direction. He stood a foot taller than me with bulky muscles and short blond hair and wore tanned skin. The boy raised a smile at Liliah.
“Liah!’ he called, waving his hand.
A brainless grin extended across her cheeks and she waved back. “Hunter!”
I bit my tongue, suppressing the urge to laugh. Hunter? There couldn’t have been a better name for the punk who was standing tall and proud as if he was Adonis.
The two hugged warmly in front of me and then engaged in a stupid conversation of how their summers had been. Not wanting to hear any rubbish, I pivoted around only to have my arm hijacked by the spawn. I spun around and faced Liliah with a vesuvian glare, jerking my hand free. Who the hell did she think she was going around grabbing my arm?
Your sister, my sub-conscious answered mockingly.
At that second, I began calculating maneuvers which would steer me clear of the spawn if I ran into her at school. Take different routes, walk fast and keep a distance more than an arm’s length.
Her eyes didn’t waver when I glared. She was definitely wasn’t a milquetoast so my angry looks were ineffective and a waste of energy. Yet, she put her arm down and frowned like a child being scolded.
“Who’s this?” Hunter asked, eyeing me up and down. Gradually, he took a step closer to Liliah as if I wouldn’t notice.
“My brother,” she answered without hesitation. I flinched at the word ‘brother’ as if it were a long needle poking my inside.
“What?” he laughed. “You don’t have a brother, Liah.”
“Remember? I told you my mom was going to adopt.” She went quiet after the last word and gave me a concerned look as if she hurt my feelings. The truth was the truth, I was an adopted child and I didn’t need the pity, especially hers.
He gave me a speculative look over. “But I thought…he was gonna be a kid or something,” he whispered, thinking I couldn’t hear him.
Was this place full of morons? Silently, I worried about my future in this school of idiocy.
Liliah just smiled. “His name’s Lucas and we’re the same age. Isn’t that neat?”
“Uh, yeah, I guess.” He forced a happy expression for me.
‘Don’t worry, Hunter, I don’t like this set-up either.’
Hunter was a bit uncomfortable with me in the picture, so I decided I’d save him and take my leave. Turning around, I walked away quickly and silently.
Finally freeing myself from the spawn’s intrusions, I was able to take a breather. I took out the folded paper in my pocket. Studying my schedule, I realized I had most honors and AP classes throughout my day excluding environmental science which I picked just so I could sleep.
For every class I continued to select seats in the back corner next to the window. I only carried one notebook and two pens in the pocket of my jeans for the sake of looking productive. Any more materials would only be an inconvenience. My memory was my true notebook.
My AP classes went through syllabuses and the teacher handed out lists of lap equipment and rules I had to memorize for a small test tomorrow. Today was nearly a breeze, all classes seemed easy enough to follow given my right attention span was prearranged.
On making my way to the environmental science room, I had to push my way through thick crowds of distracted teens. As soon as I made it to the classroom, I was practically struck by lightning in the most inhumane way possible. My eyes loomed over Liliah as she handed Mr. Roberts a set of papers.
Looks like you won’t be getting much sleep in this class, my sub-conscious laughed.
“Lucas!” A smile tugged the corner of her lips. “Luke!” she chimed again, skipping over to me with her brainless grin.
Could the ground please just swallow me whole right now?
Rolling my eyes, I walked away and took a seat at one of the oval tables without an ounce of pity for my obliviousness towards her. I waited for the seat next to mine to be filled by her but then to my surprise, I noticed she sat down at the table adjacent to mine with some of her friends. I exhaled, feeling an albatross drop off my shoulders.
Hunter entered the class room and gave me a smile and a wave. I pretended as if I didn’t see him which made him pretend he was just rubbing his neck. He jumped into the chair next to Liliah, flipping her hair back. Putting a hand over her mouth, she let out a short giggle like a stupid doll. They whispered together in hushed voices until Mr. Roberts spanked his ruler on his desk to catch everyone’s attention.
“Alright, y’all, be quiet and let me take attendance,” he ordered, walking toward the podium. His walk was like a penguin, swaying one way and then another. Opening his book and licking his finger, he began to call out names and scribble in his booklet.
Mr. Roberts was round and half bald with a belly that stuck out so much you’d think he was pregnant. He wore thick round glasses and had a nose so sharp that he could knit a sweater with it. He dressed in khaki pants that revealed his colorful socks and a stripped button down shirt with a brown checked tie.
‘He must be divorced or still lived with his parents,’ I thought.
During class, he dropped his pen twice and had to fix his belt more than five times. I assumed he lost weight over the summer.
My eyes rolled to the side as I peeked at Liliah. She had her head rested against her palm. Her eyes lazily followed Mr. Roberts as he walked back and forth across the classroom for no apparent reason. This made me question Liliah’s intelligence again and marvel over how she passed all her previous classes.
She suddenly shifted her position and our eyes met. Shocked at first, she brushed a finger through her wavy chestnut hair and then looked down instantly. A few seconds later she tilted her head in my direction and tried to catch another glance. I turned forward and watched Mr. Roberts spit his lecture on classroom rules.
Once class was over I walked out before Liliah even had the chance to call my name. Thank god the hallway was crowded; it made it especially difficult for her to swim through to me.
I ended up in business tech and again went through another syllabus with Mrs. Greene. From the reflection on my computer screen I could see the girl sitting next to me stare in my direction as if I were a zoo animal. Slowly, I turned my head and gave her a hazardous look. She faced forward in an instant with cheeks the color of a tomato.
I had lunch after that. The line was still short since I arrived early so getting my food and a table would be easy. After receiving my tray of cold pasta, I walked to an empty square table by the window and sat down. There weren’t any students around since most of them had now packed the lunch line so I figured I’d monopolize this spot for as long as I possibly could.
Once the chaotic lunchroom filled to the point of explosion, I was glad to see that I still dominated my table.
I was getting stares, however. Nothing I wasn’t used to, though. Girls whispered and giggled as they passed me by, eyeing me up and down like I was fresh meat. Steering my attention back to my plate, I noticed I had forgotten to get a drink in my haste to find a good spot.
I was about to get up when my eyes caught hold of the spawn as she walked towards the center of the cafeteria. Her brown eyes wandered around in search and she finally hooked her sight on me, smiling.
Oh please, don’t come here. I partially wanted to throw my head back with a groan.
“Liliah!” a savior called. She was a blonde haired girl who sat a few tables away with similar looking friends. “Sit with us!” She waved.
Liliah pivoted in their direction and I visibly relaxed. Lifting myself again, I aimed for the lunch line. However, I had to sit back down when the spawn approached again. She must have turned them down, oh great.
I gave her a menacing glare as she sat on the opposite end of the table. Ignoring me, she tucked her purse to the side and picked up her fork.
When she decided to look at me, she said, “You can’t eat without something to drink.” She pointed at my plate. “Your mouth will get dry from the pasta.”
I let out an aggravated sigh, turning my head away from the eyesore. I wanted to make her regret it, regret sitting with me, regret trying to get on my good side when I didn’t have one. Reaching over, I picked up her water bottle. She was definitely not getting her druthers today; I wouldn’t give her the chance. Opening the top, I downed a shot of water.
My brows furrowed together. At the orphanage, there were those fools. I was able to ward them off easily; one serious look was all it took because unlike Liliah, they were actually milquetoasts, easily intimidated. No matter how many times I pushed Liliah back she was never relenting. She was like a tall tree standing in a blizzard. Even my most powerful winds couldn’t knock her down.
She eyed me silently and as soon as I set the bottle down she snatched it. “I guess we can share then,” she challenged. “I don’t drink the whole bottle anyway.” Putting the opening to her lips she let the water slide down her throat. I narrowed my eyes as she set the bottle down. Her fork impaled her pasta and she put the noodles into her mouth as if she wished it were the hind leg of an antelope.
How are we going to deal with this one? My subconscious lolled back with a grin.  

Wow good job really keep it up!

So, Sheary. Sheary sheary sheary.

I don't know why I wanted to do that. But I did. Oh well.

Anyway, no, it's not evening over here. I wanted to reply last night, but then I got caught up in Teaser Tuesdaying it... but now I am le here.

I know you were aiming for having two different voices. Two distinct voices. And, as far as I'm concerned, you succeeded here. It feels like a different novel, this chapter, in the good sort of way. Before, we were thinking (or at least I was thinking) that this Luke character needed to loosen up a bit. Now I'm thinking that this Liah character needs to get a reality check. Okay, so I was thinking that before about Liah, because some things were obvious from the way she acted and such. I like Luke more.

Correct me if I'm wrong, though, and you're less secure in writing Luke's perspective. If I'm right, you should have more confidence in yourself and stop worrying about whatever it is that worries you about writing Luke's perspective. If I'm wrong...well, then you can at least focus in on some of the things that led me to believe you're not as comfortable writing Luke:

First, there were a few Tone/Voice Breakers. Basically, the road's running smoothly and then BUMP and I'm jarred out of the narrative for a bit. With some writers, it's because they don't know their characters. With you--and if I'm correct in my previous assumption--it's because you start doubting yourself about knowing Luke and then put something you think he'd say or think instead of what he actually does. Or perhaps these moments were just a first-draft thing.

Anyway, reading aloud just catch them. Just don't forget that it's not just what a character says or does, but also how he says or does it, along with what he doesn't say or do. The details he doesn't notice are just as important as the details he does. Which is old news to you, because you've already got the two-interpretation-of-the-same-detail going on with these two characters, but, yeah. Reading aloud. I'm rambling, yeah.

One moment I remember from yesterday was this here:

She was like a tall tree standing in a blizzard. Even my most powerful winds couldn’t knock her down.

Mainly because that gives the impression of Liah being noble or grand or powerful or strong, instead of just foolishly, naively persistent. Like a dog that can't learn from its mistakes.

And now, as I glance back through, I notice he uses similes. A lot. And I'm wondering if that's what he does, think of things in terms of other things, because I could totally see a super smart kid entertaining himself thinking up comparisons of things to other things. It's an area to tap into and use to your advantage. Because if that is how he thinks... well, that's just an area to get all writerly and clever with and maximize the portrayal of Luke with.

Another reason that made me think you're less comfortable with Luke is how much you qualify observations with statements like "This made me question Liliah's intelligence again" and the like. I know you know these dynamics, and I know you're capable of writing kickass (can I say that on YWS?) dialogue and interactions without the scratch work in between.

Because with a line like that, you're especially telling us that Luke things Liah's stupid. It's not as blatant as it sometimes gets in even published YA, where the character would outright think, "She's got to be stupid" but it's still not as riveting and juicy and dripping with show-not-tell implied ooey-gooeyness as we the readers drawing what we know from just the details as he describes them (her eyes lazily following Mr. Roberts) and the way he reacts to her.

Am I making sense? I have no idea.

Also, I'm noticing that for as much as Luke claims not to care about Liah, he spends an awful lot of his day concerned with her. Na klar, she's now his "sister" and I'm gathering their relationship or lack thereof is sort of a big part of the novel. And I can definitely see Luke being Liah's Biggest Concern (that and this Hunter character), because her world is built in that sort of immediate way. But Luke... what does he want? What's his personal plotline? Or is Liah such a big concern that it drowns out all other ambitions and thoughts?

In the end, again, I see such wonderful potential bubbling beneath the surface here. So embrace the narrative that is Luke, make every sentence, every detail, work for you, and let the reader take away his or her own interpretation. And yeah, you know this, you've heard it before, and I'm saying it again because a) I believe in this story and b) I believe in you and...

City air has officially gone to my head.

Any questions, you know where to find moi.

Rachbear and McRibbit

Hey, Pink! I'm sorry I'm a tad late.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but the selection of your quotes is marvellous. How do you manage to find the right one?

So, the dream was really nice. It was short, crisp and even with minimal words you created a beautiful image and scene. I could feel his stress and wanted to myself get out, even when I wasn't there. Yeah, I'm confused right now. But yes, it was poetic somehow. I'd suggest you to keep on working and bringing such scenes and elements into your story because for me these really work-I love reading dire, depressing stuff.

I spun around and faced Liliah with a vesuvian glare, jerking my hand free.

Ah, I loved this word here. I didn't know the meaning and I had to Google it, so thanks for teaching me a new word.

“Right, Luke?” she asked when I didn’t respond.

I think you forgot about the rule you have to put a comma before or after their name when referring a person directly. Just keep hold of such mosquitoes.

And yes, I loved the analogy of comparing the kids in the front of the school to a school of fish. It was lovely, and it because all the more interesting as you didn't just mentioned it kept on with it, and took it a bit in length.

My memory was my true notebook.

Nice line!

He wore thick round glasses and had a nose so sharp that he could knit a sweater with it.

Another nice line. You summed up his whole description in just one line.

Thank God the hallway was crowded; it made it especially difficult for her to swim through to me.

So, you had a good chapter. A fast-pacing chapter, to be precise. It was definitely more interesting than the last one and I know you're going to bring more surprises at us. But my problem I think has to be that it was maybe too fast paced. You know, if you really get down to it, you had so many events in one single day. But then I understand you didn't want to slow down things and keep it interesting. So, overall, I think that's fine.

Umm, about rushing up things, I'd have to say that when he started the classes at first you could have added more about the people. You know, he's a new guy and all that so it must be intriguing for kids already studying there to regard him with curiosity. You do that, I'm not denying it, but even when he starts, I think you should add this kind of stuff. Or else, his classes at the beginning just seemed like a lore to me. I mean, you could spice it up. But of course, about speeding up you shouldn't really take my advise since I'm too slow with my projects. xD!


Also, I'd like to advise you to maybe take a bit more notice of Hunter now. I mean, he's going to trouble Liliah later so why not just show signs of it from now-of how he likes her, and when she's not looking he's watching her. You did show him touching her hair or something and it was good. But Luke can give a third person's voice to this aspect.

I am sorry for rambling continuously, but I hope the review helps.

Good luck,
Mia

Can't wait for more parts!

Hey Pink!

Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this. I promise I didn't forget. Life just got in the way a bit. I haven't reviewed for a while so please bear with me.

So, I'm definitely excited about reading this story. I'm collecting questions as I read, hoping to get snippets of answers. I really want to know why Luke's being so off with Liliah. I want to know more of his background story and more about this recurring nightmare of his. Was the voice his dad? Has he had a rough past? I think knowing some of the answers will help me to sympathise with Luke as, at the moment, he seems to be being unnecessarily harsh towards Liliah. I mean, yeah, she does come across as pretty intense, and for a guy who's not used to having family, she must like a mosquito that just won't quit buzzing in his ear. But then again, Liliah just seems like she wants to make things work out for her mum. I guess I'll have to read on to find out why he's the way he is.

I think you painted a portrait of High school well. Though school's a little different here in England, we still have all the little groups and it's still a battle to fight your way to class. It took me right back to when I was there.

I kind of agree that this chapter was less about Luke and why he's the way he is, and more about how he tries to avoid Liliah all day, but then I guess it's a good way of setting up how he sees their relationship, so the reader gets a hang on how he wants things to go. And we have the whole book to get to know more about Luke. He seems like a pretty interesting guy with an interesting past. I need to know more

and nor did I intend too.

'too' should be 'to'

I hope this helps and I can't wait to read more!

xDudettex