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Love & War



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Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:54 am
austenite says...



The New Girl.

I shuddered, thinking of the tag that would be automatically associated with me once I stepped inside the school. I’d been called all sorts of things before - newbie, noob. These days, the comments just tended to roll off me. I’d become accustomed to the fact that because we moved around a lot - all thanks to my Dad’s job, the new girl tag was a label I’d have to live with. At least until college.

Still, as I stared up at the two storey building in front me, my stomach couldn’t help but flip over. Hopefully this was the last time I would be called those names.

Ridgevale Senior High School. “Home of the Spartans,” I murmured, reading the large sign that was outside the front gates. Inside, the school looked pretty much the same as all the rest of the country schools I’d seen. The building was an off white colour, faded with time. Two maroon stripes wound their way around both levels. At the main entrance, where students were milling around, the words RSH were painted in the same maroon colour. In between the letterings was a giant Roman-esque head with a helmet. The words Spartans were written down the bottom.

It was a step up from my last school, I had to admit. At least ‘Spartans’ sounded like it could evoke some sort of pride. My previous school had been the Brentwood Bumblebees. Needless to say, they sucked. I mean, there’s no better way to induce school pride than with an awesome mascot.

The bell rang shrilly, waking me up out of my thoughts. I started up the steps of the school, quickly being carried along with the crowd. At the main doors, I paused at the side for a moment, trying to get my bearings and spot a sign that said Office or Reception - anything that had an authoritive sound to it.

“Oomph!” I was pushed forward by someone behind me, and instinctively reached out and grabbed whatever was closest to hold on to.

Big mistake.

That ‘thing’ turned out to be the straps of some guy’s sports bag, and instead of regaining balance, I ended up pulling both of us onto the ground. My head had hit the floor with a thump, and I groaned. I opened my eyes. Something - or someone was on top of me. And their hand rested in a place where it shouldn’t be. I pushed him away.

“What the hell?” I cried, trying to pick myself up.
The person - a guy, I now realised - rolled up off me and on to the balls of his feet, hand at his brown hair. His eyes narrowed as they met mine.

People continued to pass us in the corridor, yet nobody offered to help me up. Including the guy staring down at me with a murderous look on his face. I leaned on my arms, staring back at the guy, a similar, thunderous expression plastered over my face.

“What’s your problem?” He seethed.

“My problem? You were the one with your hands all over me,” I snapped back, scrambling to my feet. Rearranging my shirt, I faced the guy - and almost melted. Stormy brown eyes connected with mine. A light tan was spread across his face. Typical, that on the first day of school, I had to choose a hottie to crash into. I felt myself blush, but more in anger than anything.

“You,” he started, pointing at me. “You pulled me down. Your fault. Who the hell does that?” He picked up his bag, looking at his watch. “Shit, Coach is going to rage if I’m late.”
I frowned. This was so not my fault. I couldn’t help it if some other idiot decided to bang into me. I made to grab the guy’s shoulder, but he was so tall I caught his elbow instead.

“Hey.” I glared at the guy. He cocked his head to the side, as if intrigued. “This was not my fault. I was pushed and reached out to steady myself. It’s called instinct.”
The boy leaned in closer to me. “What, so it’s instinct to take someone with you?”
“I was the one who ended up on the bottom!” I yelled angrily. Wasn’t I currently the one with a sore head?

A sly smile came over the boy’s face as he leant in even closer to me. “What, so you like it on the bottom, then? I’ll try and remember that one, Blondie.” He spun around, bag over his shoulder, and sauntered off, leaving me feeling slightly dazed. As his words sunk in, my eyes narrowed. Nobody, not even my Dad, called me Blondie and got away with it.

Great. What a way to start the first day of school.
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde
  





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Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:36 am
hudz96 says...



hahahahaha Its so Funny!!!! are you going to write more to the story? I really really would love it if you did... please :D
Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.
  





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Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:05 am
Coolguy2709 says...



I think it is very great, keep on writing.
  





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Thu Dec 01, 2011 1:41 am
starrgazer says...



love how its going so far :) One thing, could you add a little more description of the guy or the main character? That'll help us get a better visual of the characters. Other than that, keep on writing, its go great :D

If you had the time, could you also take a look at mine? :P I'm also a sucker for romantic stories and all I have so far is just an excerpt, but hopefully, it'll become more.

Thanks and great job!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

Pffffft, yeah right...fat lot of help sour lemon juice would do. When life also throws me a bag of sugar, then we'll start talking.

:)
  





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Fri Dec 02, 2011 8:42 pm
ziggiefred says...



Hello there :)
I'll start off with the nitpicks.
These days, the comments just tended to roll off me.

...or nitpick, anyway!

So I found this story rather cute and interesting to read. However, I couldn't help but feel like you are revealing too much too soon, for a first chapter. Why don't you try introductions first. Tell more about the feelings of being the new kid, or the dad. Elaborate more on the scene before she lands at school and is hauled forward by a crowed on the steps. Describe the setting and in essence, sort of populate the idea with more ideas. Don't leave me guessing on anything. Right now I feel this chapter could use more detail and oomph! to keep me from stereotyping it as another cliche.

Your writing style is coming along pretty well and I already have a connection with the story.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more detailed review, but good luck with the rest of your story.

Keep writing!
The best is what you make it!

...eh, need a review? Click me!
  





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103 Reviews



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Fri Dec 09, 2011 6:18 am
TinyDancer says...



Hmmmm...I'm not going to lie. I could have predicted every single event in this story so far. It's very cliche', and hence, slightly boring. If you write a second chapter, I will read it just to give you the benefit of the doubt. But to be honest, you have not impressed me all that much with the content in this first chapter. The first chapter in a novel should be captivating, alluring, attention-grabbing. I felt that this piece was very...cookie-cutter, if you will. Not very unique. That aside, you have a nice flow, and an engaging tone. Stick with those qualities, but make the story your own, not just some scenario you'd see in the movies. Try to be a bit more creative, huh? Also, describe the characters more. I'd like to know more about them! I'm not criticizing to be harsh, I'm doing it to help you improve because I can see potential in your style. Take it or leave it, it's just my opinion. Keep writing :)

~Jess
`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•

“The circus arrives without warning.
No announcements precede it.
It is simply there,
When yesterday it was not.”

`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•
  








As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun