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Young Writers Society


From the Earth to the Unknown



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Sat May 26, 2007 1:41 pm
Lethero says...



My first attempt at a Sci-Fi story, so I might be good at it.
Earth
June 5, 2458

“When I was young I wished and I hoped to live in a different galaxy,” cried the President of Earth, “and to today, I believe, is the day we can make this happen.

“After years of trials and errors, our scientists have made the Spaceship Galaxy and a habitat ten brave young men and women will travel, eat, sleep, and live in. They will be provided with food to last them up to ninety years or more.

“And the most exciting thing our scientists will try is a wormhole generator. With it we will soon be able to travel great distances in only a few days.

“Our explorers will first launch out from the Kennedy Space Center, then they will travel to Mars. Our scientists on Mars will refuel them and then, along with the people on Pluto’s base, activate this new wormhole generator and get our men and women from Mars to Pluto in a few days. Then, from Pluto, they will go through another wormhole and arrive in a new galaxy beside a satellite that orbits this new planet and then they can land.

“Now let’s introduce our explorers; Martha Helens, she will be the biologist, Stewart Lincoln, he is the licensed doctor, Jake Tesco, is the therapist , Katherine Keller, will run the planet quarters, Frederic Norton, is the captain of the ship and is the navigator, Susan Booker, will try to communicate with any intellectual life forms they may find, William Hassle, will make sure each person gets enough food, Patricia Dresla, will control any probes that will be launched Maria Rustle, will control the ion thrusters, and Jane Yin, will be the engineer.

“These brave astronauts will be the first humans to enter a new galaxy. Also, if our wormhole generator works, interstellar travel will not only be possible but much faster. In one year they will be the next explores of our Universe. God speed.”

Earth
June 1, 2459

“Are you ready to go,” said Lisa on the screen in front of me.

“Yes,” I responded, “Maria, Katherine, and Will are in back making sure all the equipment is good and the others need to board.”

“Fred, it’s done,” called Maria from the back. “The ion propulsion unit is in working condition. Katherine said the planet living quarters good and Will said air, food, and water supplies are also in check. So once the others board we can launch.”

“Good,” said Lisa. “Here come the others. Once they board and you guys get strapped in, and they can begin the count down.” And as she finished Martha, Stewart, Jake, Susan, Jane, and Patricia entered the control room, and after they, entered Katherine and Will entered from a door in the back.

“Ok we’re all here,” I said. “Now let’s hook in and they can start the count down.”

Everyone sat in their designated seats and started putting on their belts. After I finished my belt I looked up at the screen and saw the beaming smile of the President, as his bald head filled the screen.

“Looks like you guys are ready,” he said in a joyous voice. “This is will be more famous than the first man landing on Pluto.” He looked down. “I’m sorry to say though you might not be able to come back to Earth,” he looked back, “but while you are gone we shall have our scientists on Pluto find a way to get another wormhole generator to you. Well let’s begin the countdown at ten minutes.”

Suddenly the shuttle gave a lurch and started going vertical. “Are you guys ready,” I called back.”

“Let’s get this fifty ton hunk of metal into another galaxy,” cried the men from the back.

“Let’s go find some aliens,” cheered Martha and Jane.

The ship gave a final shudder and we were completely vertical. “Ok you got one minute left,” said the President. “God speed to you all and come home safely.” The Presidents face left the screen and the rest of the countdown appeared on the screen. The ship started to shake as the thrusters activated.

As the last twenty seconds came the ship was shaking very violently.

At the last five seconds I shouted, “Here we go. Three, two, one,” and then we were suddenly shot up. Our backs were glued to the seats as we flew skyward and as suddenly as it began, it stopped.

We all began to cheer. “Ok, I’m activating the ion thrusters,” called Maria. As she started the ion thrusters, I opened the control room window.

“Ok, we can unhook our seats,” I said.

“Well guys, we should get some sleep so we’ll be ready for tomorrow,” said Jake.

“Yes, get some sleep everyone, captain’s orders,” I said and I walked to the back of the room. The ship was long’ two thousand five hundred feet long, fifty feet wide, and a hundred feet tall.

I was lucky because my room was near the control room. On my door was the words, “CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS,” I entered the room and found all the things I packed; books, a tv with game systems and movies, and a Fasco, the newest music player. As soon as I saw the bed I felt tired so I jumped on and laid back. In seconds I was asleep.”

Traveling to Mars
June 3, 2459

I woke with a start at a banging. “Wake up, Fred!” cried Jane’s voice from outside. “You been asleep for two days and Stewart says you need to get some food and water.”

I climbed from my bed and walked to the door as it slid open. When it completely opened I was startled when I was face to face with Jane’s Chinese face. “Ok, I’m up,” I said. “Have I really been asleep for two days?”

“Yes, now come on,” she grabbed my hand and started pulling me down the hall.

I soon learned she was taking me to the kitchen and when the door opened I saw Will behind the counter. “Hey, Fred’s awake,” said Will when he saw me. “Jane, will you let go of him before you rip his arm off.”

“Oh, sorry Fred,” she quickly said and let go of my arm.

“Well, Fred, since it is supper time on Earth, I offer you my special: freeze dried corn along with freeze dried ham and mashed potatoes,” Will said almost to dramatically as he set a plate of dry food in front of me. “For desert you’ll get freeze dried ice cream. Here’s a little bit of water, pour it over the food if you want it to taste decent.”

I thanked him, turned to my food, and poured the water over it. “So where we at?” I asked between bits.

“We’re in space,” said Jake as he entered the kitchen, “where else would we be.”

“Besides you’re the navigator, shouldn’t you know,” said Stewart as he entered.

“I been asleep for the past two days,” I answered defensively. “Now does anyone know where we are at?”

“We have no clue,” said Will. “we can’t read your maps.”

“Ok, let me finish this and I’ll go see,” I said. I ate what was left im my bowl, we walked through the door, and made our way for the control room.

When I came into the control room I went towards my seat and pressed a few buttons on the arm rest. Suddenly the seats lowered through a trapdoor under them and in the center of the room another trapdoor opened and a silver circular pedestal came up.

When the pedestal finally came all the way up I said, “Maps,” and a black holographic orb with tiny little dots on it was projected into the air. “Our current location,” it then zoomed into a single position with a picture of our Earth and Moon in it. “Seems we are making good progress we are almost past the Moon. We should pass it in about two days.”

“Good,” said Stewart as he stepped through the door. “So, what we going to do till then.”

“Well we can get movies on this,” I suggested. “Any favorites?”

“‘War of the Worlds,’” suggested Will, “it’s old but it’s still good.”

“Ok, Computer remove map and play ‘War of the Worlds.’” The map disappeared and a flat projection came up and started playing the movie.

I didn’t watch the movie because I’ve seen it many times before, but I let my mind wonder. I thought about what we might find, what we would do, and most importantly; would we make it back to Earth. We might never make it back to Earth, but one thing I promised to myself before I boarded was I would get them home now matter what.

“You want to go back to bed, Fred?” asked Stewart. “You don’t look that good.” He put his hand to my face. “You have a slight temperature, I suggest you get to bed.”

“I’m not sick, I’m just tired,” I answered. “It’s just I haven’t had much sleep before the trip.”

“Lack of sleep usually causes great stress,” Jake said, “you better get some sleep before you start jumping down our throats.”

I didn’t answer but I just got up and walked towards my room. Once I was in my room I dropped onto my bed and almost instantly fell asleep.
This story will not be told in chapters but in dates almost like a journal so tell me what you think about it.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*
  





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160 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 1840
Reviews: 160
Sun May 27, 2007 11:35 pm
Loose says...



theres no hook, and whats that white box at the bottom?

There, I critted, but I cant read Sci-fi or fantasy. You shouldve told me the genre beforehand!!
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 9682
Reviews: 156
Mon May 28, 2007 11:39 am
McMourning says...



Hello!
I don't mean to be rude, but this piece needs an overhaul. That's all right, though.

DragonFireAsh wrote:I didn’t answer but I just got up and walked towards my room. Once I was in my room I dropped onto my bed and almost instantly fell asleep.
This story will not be told in chapters but in dates almost like a journal so tell me what you think about it.

First off, separate your real thoughts form the stories (italicize or bold the title, too). You don't even need to tell us that it's being told in dates, anyway. We can tell that the chapter titles are dates.

DragonFireAsh wrote: “After years of trials and errors, our scientists have made the Spaceship Galaxy and a habitat ten brave young men and women will travel, eat, sleep, and live in. They will be provided with food to last them up to ninety years or more.

“And the most exciting thing our scientists will try is a wormhole generator. With it we will soon be able to travel great distances in only a few days.

“Our explorers will first launch out from the Kennedy Space Center, then they will travel to Mars. Our scientists on Mars will refuel them and then, along with the people on Pluto’s base, activate this new wormhole generator and get our men and women from Mars to Pluto in a few days. Then, from Pluto, they will go through another wormhole and arrive in a new galaxy beside a satellite that orbits this new planet and then they can land.

“Now let’s introduce our explorers; Martha Helens, she will be the biologist, Stewart Lincoln, he is the licensed doctor, Jake Tesco, is the therapist , Katherine Keller, will run the planet quarters, Frederic Norton, is the captain of the ship and is the navigator, Susan Booker, will try to communicate with any intellectual life forms they may find, William Hassle, will make sure each person gets enough food, Patricia Dresla, will control any probes that will be launched Maria Rustle, will control the ion thrusters, and Jane Yin, will be the engine



Whoa! That's a huge info dump! I learned about them the hard way, too. It took a bunch of rewriting to mine to workout better, but I did it. So, I believe you can too.
Secondly, almost entirely all of your story is told in dialogue like this. (Another thing I had a problem with). It turns the reader off! Dialogue is fine, but use it sparingly.

Best of luck,

McMourning
"One voice can be stronger than a thousand voices, " Captain Kathryn Janeway
  








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