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The Human Empire



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Mon Jul 16, 2007 11:51 am
VampireBadger says...



right. the tital is optional. just a working tital. i'll probably change it half way through the story. this is set sometime around 300-400 years from now. haven't decided yet. well, you tell me what you all think then! thanks to anyone who reviews!

Prologue

She didn’t struggle. In fact, she seemed rather docile, lying there, her eyes glassy and dazed. Dr. Dante Morte took her jaw in a firm grip and opened her mouth. Lethal poison fangs jutted out from the upper gums, yellow now but still strong, still incredibly sharp. Her heart-stopping beauty held no sway over him. In fact, she was more like a lab rat than anything else to him. She had no name. She had no identity. She was nothing.

For now she was out cold, drugged. But not for long. He would have to hurry. Long, spidery fingers fiddled with a hypodermic syringe. He eased it into the soft flesh of the roof of her mouth, carefully drawing out a black-blue liquid. Licking his lips, he squeezed the dark substance into a see-through container.

That should be enough for maybe three of the brats if they were sparing.

***

The dark sheets of rain hit the ground like bullets. The air was chilling, and Kevyn’s breath fogged up before him in misty clouds. He wrapped his pathetic ragged cloak around him and skulked down the flooded moonlit street. Raindrops pummelled his face and he had to shield his eyes. The acidic water made his skin itch and smart but it wasn’t as bad as it had been a couple of nights ago. Storms like this could sometimes melt the skin away from your very bones.

He jerked the hood up so as the rain could not damage his greasy blonde hair and hurried forwards, his eyes scanning the street. He was a young man, barely past his eighteenth birthday but he had the insides of a seventy-year-old. He broke into a slow jog, frantically looking for the thing his body craved. His hands shook and his eyes were bloodshot, darting around under heavy eyebrows on a wasted, skull-like face.

His breathing became short far too early for someone as young as him and he had to stop, hunched over, gasping and coughing phlegm into the dirt. Looking up, his face very white, he saw the place he had been searching for. He dragged himself up and shouldered through the door, instantly enveloped in strange and intoxicating perfumes.

Smoke hung thick and stifling in the air. The sound of a pro-government punk band blared through speakers. A grimy bar occupied one side of the place and an army of mouldy tables and chairs took up the rest. It was quiet, but then this place was always quiet. Only the damned and the worthless belonged here.

He stood for just a second, breathing in the scent of sweat and drink and mould and something else… something irresistible, before collapsing on a barstool and rapping the counter with a bony knuckle. The barman sneered at him, polishing a dirty mug with an even dirtier cloth.

“I know you’re never gonna pay me, Kev.”

“Prove it!” Kevyn snarled, showing blackened teeth.

“Have ya come for more?”

Kevyn nodded dully, lowering his head. His hands clenched into fists until they turned white. Scars criss-crossed up his arms and around his wrists. The barman sighed. Kevyn would be dead before he could ever pay him… and he really shouldn’t be giving away the stuff for free. But it gave him a sick satisfaction to see the boy waste away. The silly dog wouldn’t last through the night. Another scumbag off the streets.

He disappeared through a door behind the bar, leaving Kevyn slouched there, growling at nothing and letting the sound of the pounding drums and wailing guitar wash over him. The barman came back in a couple of minutes, carrying a tiny bottle with only enough liquid for a mouthful. Kevyn snatched it from him, unstopping it and holding it to his lips, grimacing as the poison scorched his throat.

“Now, let that be the end of it,” demanded the barman finally. “I don’t want to see you here again unless you have some money on you, understood?”

Kevyn nodded, the wonderful feeling as the liquid settled in his stomach making him grin stupidly.

And then came the hit.

***

An Exert from A History of Vampires and their Co-existence with Humans.

“When a small group of vampires made friendly contact with the World Government, they were greeted with open arms. The public accepted the strange newcomers, grudgingly at first, but soon allowed them into their community.

“However, the vampires proved terrible parasites and as their numbers were growing beyond control, the World Government decided it was time to enforce proper laws concerning the feeding liberties of the vampires. The vampiric population was divided into two groups. Those of poorer families were brought to re-education plants where they were changed into respectable and safe members of society. The richer families were given the chance to oversee these plants and make them acceptable for their poorer vampire brothers and sisters.

“Shortly after, the chance to attend these new schools were given to privileged younger humans. Where they could receive a free education and the opportunity to take on the extraordinary power and immortality of the vampires.

“By introducing this system the World Government is keeping the vampire population under control. Therefore, humans can live in harmony with vampires and other sub-species such as werewolves.”
Last edited by VampireBadger on Mon Jul 16, 2007 8:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Jul 16, 2007 12:29 pm
Rydia says...



I really liked this until you jumped persepctive. The last two parts seem rather random. Perhaps you should try to attactch them. Maybe your character finds the history book and glances over the pages so that the second makes more sense and I think the first would fit at the beginning. That would be quite a nice opening and then the reader has some idea of what's in the bottle when they reach that point. Other than that though, it was quite well written and I like the idea of strong acid rain. Just a few specific points -

The acidic water made his skin itch and smart but it wasn’t as bad as it had been a couple of nights ago.

He jerked the hood up so that the rain could not damage his greasy blonde hair and hurried forwards, his eyes scanning the street.

It was quiet, but then this place was always quiet.

_____________________
Altogether, I found it very interesting and look forward to reading more.
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Mon Jul 16, 2007 1:27 pm
JabberHut says...



'Tis my friend, Badger! Howdy-doo! O_O i never said that before...anyway, I shall critique, though it's 8 in the morning. we'll see what happens :wink:

The acidic water made his skin itch an smart but it wasn’t as bad as it had been a couple of nights ago


"an smart" Maybe you mean "and" but if you do, I never heard smart used in this way. smart skin...hm.

It was quite, but then this place was always quite


Took my a while to get these words straight, but it should be "quiet" not "quite".

breathing in the scent of sweat and drink and mould and something else


That must be the British typing of "mold" cause I've never seen it before. Learn something new everyday. Now, back to critiquing...

He came back in a couple of minutes, carrying a tiny bottle with only enough liquid for a mouthful


you switched subjects here which confused me at first. I had to reread the sentence. Put "the barman" instead of "he" cause you talked about Kevyn right before this sentence.

The public accepted the strange newcomers grudgingly at first but soon willingly allowed them into their community


How 'bout a comma after "newcomers", and another comma after "first". The second part of the sentence is weird. It think it's "willingly" that threw me off. Could you get rid of that? Maybe you could say they "respected them later on" or something. I don't think "willingly" is the right word.

However the vampires proved terrible parasites and as their numbers were growing beyond control, the World Government...


I would put a comma after "However" to make it flow better.

You also jumped from one point to the other at the end. You could give the exerpt a title maybe, or give us a warning that you are showing us an exerpt from the history book. It would also be cool, I think, if you named the history book. Don't think too hard about it, 'cause all textbook names are cheezy, but i think you should do that.

I like this story and keep up the good work! Very well written, I am pleased. Let me know when you have more. I will be happy to crititque!

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 11:08 am
Squall says...



I think this was good. Well described and well imagined. You pictured your MC well. It's quite well written, but jumps too much.

I also think you could had characterized the MC more. Just my thought.
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Wed Aug 15, 2007 5:11 pm
Kylan says...



This was actually very good. I'm impressed with your style of writing and - until the last portion of the story - your grasp of the show-don't-tell concept. Your description of your setting is excellent but just vague enough, seeing as this is a prologue. Personally, I would never cram so many scenes into a prologue, though. It's much easier on the reader if the prologue is dedicated only to one continuous scene.

Dr. Dante Morte


I would change the good doctors last name. 'Morte' is very transparent in it's meaning. Don't try to attribute personality to a character through dual-meaning names before you even properly introduce them. It's an immature foreshadowing technique. (But that's just my opinion :wink: )

squeezed the dark substance into a see-through container.


Change 'see-through' to 'transparent'.

The sound of a pro-government punk band blared through speakers.


I like this. It gives great insight into your world's status. Political turmoil. Good...

A grimy bar occupied one side of the place and an army of mouldy tables and chairs took up the rest.


Took up the rest of what? The zoo? The park? The room?

dirty mug with an even dirtier cloth.


J.K Rowling has made this description cliche. Be different. Take it out. Please.

“Prove it!” Kevyn snarled, showing blackened teeth.


That was kind of... lame. The lack of payment is not something you can prove. It's a fact. If Kevyn hasn't paid before, than he's not going to pay in the future. This piece of dialogue just seemed out of place.

The silly dog wouldn’t last through the night


'Silly dog' doesn't match the rest of your description. Find a different comparison.

Lastly you have the excerpt. Now, this is totally up to you, but newspaper excerpts can only be pulled off in a story by a few elites. It's almost always tedious backstory that you could show in the story. Always try to opt for showing what the newspaper/book is reporting. It makes your story so much more interesting. You could dedicate an entire chapter to the content of the book excerpt, with your main character reflecting on the state of society or experiencing the results of rifts between humans and vampires first hand. I would really like to read something like that. Excerpts are just the easy way out. You don't have to work for it. And the more work you put into your story, the more the reader will enjoy it.

Hope I could help.

-Kylan
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and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

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