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Followers of the Light CH3



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Thu Nov 01, 2007 11:22 pm
kshsj777 says...



Chapter 3


"How?" Officer Cadd asked. "How did the others get involved?"

"I can explain that," George replied. "You see, during that entire time Nanci was being kidnapped and held hostage, there were other events going on at the time that she didn't know about."

"Elaborate."

"Just a minute here," the doctor interrupted. "It's getting late, and my patients need to rest."

"All right," Officer Cadd agreed. "We'll continue this discussion tomorrow." The policemen took their leave, and some nurses shooed George back to his room.

"We have to go now, honey," Nanci's mother said. "We'll come back as soon as we can. Do you need anything?"

Nanci shook her head. "I'm fine. Umm...this hospital is quite a ways from home."

"We're staying at a hotel."

"But Mom--"

"Don't worry, several of our friends have offered to pay for it, along for a room for Mr. Fier. Your story has been on the news for quite some time, and now it's picked back up again since you've come back." Her mother sighed.

"We're going to have to tell Tom's and Laura's parents the bad news," her father said.

"I know. I miss them, just like I've missed you."

"We've missed you too. Good night, honey, and we love you." Nanci's parents each gave their daughter a hug, and after turning out the light, they left.

Nanci tried to sleep, but she couldn't, images floated through her mind, and she felt restless. Hours ticked by, until Nanci finally managed to get up. She walked carefully to the hospital room next door, evading the nurses.

"George," she whispered, as she stood in the doorway. When he looked over at her, Nanci made her way near his bed. "George," she said again.

"I'm awake. What is it?"

"I can't sleep."

"Me neither."

"George, do you think we should have stayed? It would have been easier. We wouldn't have to answer these questions."

"It's kinda too late to be having regrets. We had a decision to make, and we made it. You miss him, don't you? Tom?"

"Yeah," Nanci agreed. "I feel really bad, letting them think he's dead."

"But they're never going to see him again." George sat up. "It doesn't really make a difference."

"No, it does make a difference. They'd at least know their son was alive."

"True, but that brings up more questions than answers, Nanci. Nobody can know the whole truth about what happened. They wouldn't believe us. And it would far more dangerous if they did."

"I know. Good night, George."

"Good night." Nanci returned to her room and after a few more hours, she finally fell asleep.

The next afternoon, the police returned, and after everyone was inside of Nanci's room, George took up the narrative.

***

Tom Parson, Nanci's best friend, had seen the entire thing. He had walked over to Nanci's house, since he didn't live far away, and seeing John Fable with a gun as she had predicted, he had hid. Tom took out his cell phone and called a mutual friend of both himself and Nanci: George Fier.

"Hey, George. This is me, Tom."

"Tom? Hey, buddy. What's up? What's goin' on?"

"Nanci's being kidnapped. I need your help."

"What?! Call 911! Call the police."

"I can't."

"Why not, man?"

"This guy is a lunatic. He believes in this crazy legend about some mythical place called Stone Mountain, and no police is going to stop him. He'd just as soon kill Nanci as to let her go. I'm guessing he's going to make her take him to Professor Marvin at the university. He was the one who told her about the legend. Can you pick me up and drive me there? I'm at Nanci's house."

"Of course, Tom. Anything for my buddy's girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend."

"Yeah, right. She's your best friend. Whatever. I'm on my way." Tom hung up and put away his cell phone. George arrived within minutes, and they drove away.

When George pulled into the parking lot of the university, Tom knew that he had guessed correctly when he recognized Fable’s car parked near the front. George parked his car far enough away not to cause suspicion but close enough to reach quickly in a hurry.

"Do you know where the professor's office is?" George asked Tom when they entered the building. He shook his head, and he looked around, noticing a woman sitting in the hall, reading a book.

"Excuse me," Tom began. "Do you know where Professor Marvin's office is?"

"Yeah, it's on the third floor, second classroom to the right," she replied in a bored tone.

"Thanks." The two boys rushed down the hallway to the elevator, and pressed the button going up, and exited the third floor almost colliding with a blond-haired young woman.

"Laura?" George exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean what am I doing here? It's a free country right?"

"Yeah, but what are you doing here in the university?"
"I'm visiting. Duh. Daddy insisted that I take a tour. He wants me to attend here after high school." She rolled her eyes. "I don't want to attend college. I don't need to. People go to college to earn degrees to get money. And I certainly don't need--"

"Shh!" Tom interrupted.

"What?" Laura responded, bewildered that someone would dare to interrupt her.

"Shh!" He grabbed her arm and the three of them ducked into a dark, empty room next door. They could see John Fable, the Professor and Nanci walking by the door to the elevator. Tom had heard the door open, and just in time, he had saved their lives.

"What's going on?" Laura whispered. "That's Fable! What is he doing here?"

"He's kidnapped Nanci and now he's kidnapped the professor and is holding them hostage," George replied.

"Yeah, right. I’ll have you know that Fable is a good friend of my daddy, and wouldn’t dare do something as unscrupulous as kidnapping."

"I don’t have time to argue, Laura. Come on. Let's see where they're headed," Tom said.

***

The three of them waited a moment to make sure they didn't get caught, and then the teens left the building, piling up in George's car. During the entire drive to the professor's house, they were only a few cars away, and they followed the professor into his house, down the stairs and through the tunnel.

Now George's dad was the owner of a small airplane fix-it shop and would often take his son up in planes ever since George was a kid. When he was old enough, his father gave him flying lessons, so George didn't hesitate when he saw the plane. He went inside first, followed by Tom and Laura.

“Whoa!” George exclaimed as he sat in the pilot’s seat and checked out the controls.

“What is it?” Tom asked.

“I don’t believe it!”

"Are you sure you know how to fly this thing?" Laura asked uncertainly as he started flicking some levers and buttons.

"Doesn't matter whether I'm sure or not," George replied firing up the engines. "We're flying anyway. These planes are capable of tracking each other, so I think that I can follow the other plane wherever it goes."

"You say the planes can trace each other. Doesn't that mean the other plane can trace us?" Tom inquired. George scoffed.

"I don't think Mr. Fable is very knowledgeable about aircraft, considering that he's a high school English teacher, and I'm quite certain that the professor isn't going to let him know about the tracking devices, or about the advanced weapon machinery.”

“How do you know about that?”

“The professor once gave my dad the blueprints to these planes, and I got a glimpse of them. Of course he didn’t tell Dad they existed. It was supposed to be a hypothetical blueprint, and he wanted Dad’s opinion on their construction.”

“And what did your dad say?” Tom inquired.

“My dad said that these would be the most advanced planes of its type if they existed. Now, it seems, they really do.”

“Where in the world did Professor Marvin ever find these planes?"

"Beats me," George replied.

"Well, you're the expert in this area.”

“I know that, but on this, I’m ignorant. Maybe some sort of secret government prototypes,” he suggested.

“Shall I take the copilot's seat?"

"Yeah, you better. I could use some help. Know anything about piloting planes?"

"Not a whole lot, but I'm a quick study. Besides, who else is going to be the copilot?" He glanced at Laura.

"Not me. When it comes to anything involving methods of transportation, I'm a complete idiot. Trust me you'll make a wonderful copilot.”

“Of course. You have your own personal chauffeur, your own limo, and you’re spoiled rotten,” George remarked.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Now could we get going and get this over with? As much fun as skipping college visitations would be, I don't like dangerous adventures."

"You could stay behind?" Tom offered.

"No thanks. I'm not staying by myself. I'm sure everything will be fine. We'll rescue Nanci from a fanatic with a gun somehow," Laura replied with an amount of sarcasm.

“I thought that you thought Fable wouldn’t do anything as ‘unscrupulous’ as kidnapping,” Tom pointed out.

“Whatever.”

"Nice to hear your vote of confidence. Now get buckled up. We're almost ready to take off," George ordered.

This 'dangerous adventure' that they--and Nanci--were embarking on, would turn out to be only the beginning of a long and terrifying journey.
  





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Wed Nov 28, 2007 3:42 pm
Alteran says...



The Dialogue is rather bland. It read unaturally like they weren't real people talking. It seemed forced. Their reactions are a bit off as well, I mean why wouldn't he call 911. If the guy is a loony tune all the more reason to call the cops.

You don't really give us much insight into the characters. They just do things but we dont know why and we barely know them as people to start with. Some inward thought would be helpful. There doesn't seem to be a definite main POV.

This 'dangerous adventure' that they--and Nanci--were embarking on, would turn out to be only the beginning of a long and terrifying journey.


This my own opinion, but I cant stand that ending. Without it, George's dialogue works fine. It just doesn't fit for a chapter ending and you so totally told us and it's really cliche.

Main suggestions are to work on showing not telling and dialogue. Those seem to be tha main issues. As a story I think it has great potential and looks very interesting.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective
  








That's how we should measure our lives. Not in distance traveled, or time passed, or worlds conquered, but in moments... and the rush of joy—of grace—that exists within them.
— Megatron (Lost Light, by Roberts, Lawrence, Lafuente)