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When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 3



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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 40
Wed May 21, 2008 8:17 pm
Church says...



Chapter 3: Falling To our Knees, We Succumb


The world’s militaries are competing for what little recourses are still usable to the human population. The United States’ resources have been deemed ‘too hazardous to harvest’. Multiple Nuclear explosions have ravaged the Middle East and Europe. Pollutions, Chemical weapons, and reckless military Generals have ruined what is left of the world. It’s the future we all saw coming. We didn’t know when and we thought we were invincible to it. The future we thought we could prevent with world peace. It was coming. It just needed a trigger.

The world’s population has dropped by almost five billion in 24 days. What remains of the armies are still fighting and will be until total annihilation has been achieved. It is truly the war to end all wars. The only way to end war is total human extinction. It is also the path we are currently on.

A single U.S. Infantryman walked the smoking battlefield with his bloodied face hung low, his helmet in one hand, and his rifle dragging the sand from his other. There were bodies so mangled from the frantic battle that, from looking at the carnage, no one would know who attacked from which direction. The blue NATO helmets and red Iraqi headbands littered the desert floor. A river of blood flowed from the corpse of every fallen man only to mix with one another and form an eternal soldier bond.

The young PVT dropped his helmet and let the rifle slap the ground. It discharged, not even making the battle-scarred man flinch. The hot brass casing flew into the man’s boot and found his ankle creating a painful, but ignored, burn. He collapsed in a ball of fury, anger, loss, and pain. Which emotion was strongest didn’t matter. They were all present and worse, he knew the men who had died were the lucky ones. They would never feel pain or loss ever again. Never would they have to deal with what the governments have become.

The PVT placed his now empty hands on his sidearm. It had only two rounds left. They would be more than enough to serve his purpose. He removed the velcro hold and lifted the pistol out of the holster. It felt as if the metal was cold and the once balanced weight felt awkward and heavy. His hands shook as he lifted the gun to his chin. “Soon it will all be over.” He muttered. “Dieing with my brothers is better than living with their losses.” He reassured himself. The gun became steady as he clicked the safety off. His finger hovered over the trigger. “God, if this is how you end us, take me now.”

The moment he finished his final word, the round tore through his jaw and made its way to the brain case breaking apart and tearing the brain to bloody ribbons. His body slumped over and hit the ground with a resounding thud. This battle was over and with no victor it showed what the world faced next. No winners, only losers.
Last edited by Church on Thu May 22, 2008 12:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
-"When God gives you lemons, you find new God" YouTube.com
-If the world is going to end soon, so be it. It can end without me. Myself
-http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?p=364993#364993 When the World Stops Spinning
  





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Thu May 22, 2008 12:23 am
cat4prowl says...



HA!!! I didn't forget this time! So there.
Church wrote: The world’s militaries are competing for what little recourses are still usable to the human population. The United States’ 1.recourses have been deemed ‘2.To hazardous to harvest’. Multiple Nuclear explosions have 3.raveged the Middle East and Europe. Pollutions, Chemical weapons, and 4.wreckless military Generals have ruined what is left of the 5.world. It’s the future we all saw coming. We didn’t know when and we thought we were invincible to it. The future we thought we could prevent with world peace. It was coming. It just needed a trigger.

Nice opening paragraph. It is very intriguing. Especially the last 5 sentences. That's some dang good writin' if you ask me.
1. I believe you mean 'resources'.
2. To=too. And it's not capitalized.
3. raveged=ravaged
4. Haha. Unless your military Generals are impervious tanks, I suggest changing this to 'reckless'.
5. Just an extra space. I thought it was distracting.


The world’s population has dropped by almost five billion in 24 days. What remains of the armies are still fighting and will be until total annihilation has been achieved. It is truly the war to end all wars. The only way to end war is total human extinction. It is also the path we are currently on.

Umm wow. Human extinction. Wow. *is too intrigued to say any more*

A single U.S. Infantryman walked the smoking battlefield with his bloodied face hung low, his helmet in one hand, and his rifle 1.dragging the sand from the other. There were bodies so mangled from the frantic battle that, from looking at the carnage, no one would know who attacked from which direction. The blue NATO helmets and red Iraqi headbands littered the desert floor. A river of blood flowed from the corpse of every fallen man only to mix with another and form an eternal soldier bond.

Dang. Your writing is really showing through in this chapter, I love that last line!
1. dragging? Last time I checked rifles don't drag sand along with them. It could be a clever personification, but it just confused me so I would suggest changing it to something else.


The young PVT dropped his helmet and let the rifle slap the ground. It 1.discharged not even making the 2.battle scared man flinch. The hot brass casing flew into the man’s boot and found his ankle creating a painful, but ignored, burn. He collapsed in a ball of fury, anger, loss, and pain. Which emotion was strongest didn’t matter. They were all present and worse, he knew the men who had died were the lucky ones. They would never feel pain or loss ever again. Never would they have to deal with what the governments have become.

...You continue to amaze me.
1. comma between 'discharged' and 'not'.
2. battle scared? Do you mean battle-scarred?


The PVT placed his now empty hands on his sidearm. It had only two rounds left. They would be more than enough to serve his 1.porpoise. He removed the velcro hold and lifted the pistol out of the holster. It felt as if the metal was cold and the 2.once balanced weight felt awkward and heavy. His hands shook as he lifted the gun to his chin. “Soon it will all be over.” He muttered to 3a.himself. “Dieing with my brothers is better than living with there losses.” He reassured3b. himself. The gun became steady as he clicked the safety off. His finger hovered over the trigger. “God, if this is how you end us, take me now.”

Man, I should not be reading this. My dad is in Iraq right now. Ah well, who doesn't love a heart-wrenching war story, eh?
1. HAHA. To serve his dolphin yes. Porpoise means dolphin. Purpose is the word you're lookin for. I hope.
2. once balanced=once-balanced
3a&b. Two 'himself's too close together. Distracting from the moment here! Remove the first one, that should help.


The moment he finished his final word, the round tore through his jaw and made its way to the brain case breaking apart and tearing the brain to bloody ribbons. His body slumped over and hit the ground with a resounding thud. This battle was over and with no victor it showed what the world faced next. No winnings, only losers.

If you have a direct comparison, change winnings to winners. Otherwise this was great.


Holy wow Church, this was the best chapter so far!

Imagery:
FANTASTIC. I can see the war scene, feel the desperation, smell the blood. Very, very good.

Mood:
Well gee, how do I put it. Umm... fricken awesome! I mean, I can see it all happening and the whole idea of this chapter is SO cool! Anyways, yeah I really liked it a lot.

Overall Score: A+
Cuz' it rocks. Wonderful writing, sensational delivery.

-cat4prowl
  








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