Young Writers Society

(I hadn't written in a long time, and I decided to use one of my old ideas. I usually do a lot of planning and thinking. But when I think about an idea, I really don't get any writing done. I decided just to write what I knew, without any planning. Seems like a hazardous approach, but I tried it anyway. Anyway, I hope it's not toobad)

I woke up in a purple room. My head was foggy and I felt disoriented with time and place for several seconds.

What just happened?

I was ejected! The realization stuck to me like glue for a while. I felt scared. Where was I? This place didn’t seem familiar? Could I possibly be on another colony? It sounded preposterous!

A metallic door opened, and a woman with black hair and green eyes walked into the room. She wore a green and red nylon suit, and here hair was disorderly.

“The captain has requested your attendance,” she declared. I stood up and decided to follow her to wherever she had in mind. What else was I to do? If I resisted-and why would I?-wouldn’t they coerce me into going? Though I was anxious, I tried to keep a calm composure.

My head was crawling with questions, but for some reason, I was too afraid to ask any of them. The woman didn’t look particularly nice, anyway.

She took me to an auditorium. Despite it’s great size, there were only two people seated in there. One was a kid, who appeared a few years older than me, about 15 or 16, and the other was a crusty old man.

“Take a seat here,” she ordered. “The captain should be here within the hour.”

Again, I didn’t know what else to do.

She left the room, looking busy. My guess was she went to see the captain. I took and isolated seat, since I didn’t know any of the people in the auditorium. The kids across the room gave me curious glances. He was talking to the old man. I sat around for ten minutes just thinking. I noticed a food bar at the end of one of the wings, and I decided to check it out.

They really didn’t have much. Just rainbow gelatin, non-alcoholic punch, and fruit. I took a fruit and munched as I thought. When I had finished, a turned around to find a disposal of some sort, and I noticed that the kid with the black hair was standing next to me.

He spoke first. “How did you get here?” he asked suspiciously.

“I-I don’t know,” I staggered.

His intimidating demeanor relaxed a little, but wasn’t completely gone. “The old man and I don’t know how we got here either.” he said. “We’re both rejects, though.

“See that old man, over there?” he indicated him. I nodded. “He’s from a Fisher colony. You know, a marine colony that trades fish to sustain it’s existence. It’s a trading vessel, you see? Anyway, I spoke to him for about a half hour, and he says he was ejected for outliving his usefulness. I’m not entirely sure what he meant by that. He doesn‘t look handicapped to me, just old.” he shrugged nonchalantly.

“As for myself, my name’s Ro. I’m a mischief maker.” he grinned, as though he were proud of it. “I was ejected from my colony for disorderliness.”

Ro talked at length about his own experiences, and his experiences were genuinely interesting and sometimes funny. I mostly listened, though he did ask me a couple of questions. Where are you from? How did you get here?

I responded as best I could. His intimidating demeanor and evaporated, so I felt a lot more comfortable talking to him now.

I told him the truth. I was from a Farmer colony, and I didn’t know why I was ejected.

He smirked. “You’re just being shy or modest. You must have done something to them, huh?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

He sighed. “Well, you’re here now. Looks as though we were rescued.”

The probability of being rescued in the vacuum of space was extremely unlikely.

“I don’t think we were rescued.” I told Ro.

He arched an eyebrow. “No? Then, what do you think?”

“I think our colonies sent us here.”

A dark expression crossed his face. “Do you mean to say that this is another detention center.”

I nodded. “It looks that way.” Though what am I doing here? I wondered. I didn’t recall doing anything wrong.

The lights switched off, and a loud voice spoke through the mic.

“Please take a seat, you two. The captain is on his way.”

I woke up in a purple room. My head was foggy and I felt disoriented with time and place for several seconds.

Try: I woke up in a purple room, my head foggy. I felt disorientated with time and place for the first few moments.

A metallic door opened, and a woman with black hair and green eyes walked into the room. She wore a green and red nylon suit, and her hair was disorderly.

Try: A metallic door opened allowing a woman with black hair and green eyes to enter the room.

Despite its great size, there were only two people seated in there. One was a kid, who appeared a few years older than me, about 15 or 16, and the other was a crusty old man.

It never has a apostrophe if it's possessive. Write out the bolded numbers. Never use numbers unless it is a large number.

I took an isolated seat

“No? Then, what do you think?”

Get rid of the bolded comma.


This story ok, but it could be better. It's sort of montonous and under-descriptive. You could give your character more emotion. I've tried workin' with first person and it's harder than you think. You have to imagine yourself as the character and what you would do and feel in his place. Add more description and emotion to your character and this could be a good story. Keep writin'.

Boon the Werewolf

She wore a green and red nylon suit, and here hair was disorderly.

While you're at it throw in her hair color. Just for that little extra. I might even rephrase it as:
-She wore a green and red nylon suit, and her (insert chosen color here) hair was a disorderly mess.-

I noticed a food bar at the end of one of the wings, and I decided to check it out.

You don't need the second 'I'.

“He’s from a Fisher colony. You know, a marine colony that trades fish to sustain it’s existence.

I feel like you explained what a fisher colony was just for my sake as a reader. The main character should know what they are so he shouldn't need to explain it. Maybe have the main character talk tot he old man and get a description of what it's like on a fisher colony. If not, then I think the fact it's called a fisher colony speaks for itself.

“I don’t think we were rescued.” I told Ro.

He arched an eyebrow. “No? Then, what do you think?”

“I think our colonies sent us here.”

What proof did he recieve of this? All he knows is that he was ejected and is now on possible rescue ship. He should be happy that he was picked up. Since this is probably the way the story goes I'd suggt introducing this theory once more proof is there. Like documents or something.

Other than that, your main problem was describing the world around your character. You gave brief descriptions of the color of the room he woke up in, but what about the halls? The cafeteria? Etc. You need more than just colors.

Overall good job. I like the idea and think you've got something going here.