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Blood Soaked Snow {Chapter Three}



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Thu Dec 03, 2009 11:58 pm
Starstruck_Sarah says...



Chapter Three

Mrs. Smith walked past me without saying anything. Her expression was severely grim. I watched her go, and she never met my eyes. She walked with determination, her chin was held high like she was on top of the world. I watched her walk until she disappeared at the entrance of the ladder. I sank to my knees, my heart racing.
She was a Loyalist.
I just sat there for the longest time. Each second felt like an hour. I was waiting for some Jagmarales to burst through the ground, looking for me. I wonder how long it would take Mrs. Smith to reach a Jagmarales. Would they take her to Barbslo? I gritted my teeth. This is the thanks I get for taking care of her kids? Melody is young; wouldn’t her mother at least have a single thought of doubt?
I stood up, and went to the only person I trust. Gloria. She was in the healers room, sprinkling some blue herbs on someone’s back. She poured some water that seemed to have a white-tint to it and then mumbled some words. I leaned against the muddy door frame, careful not to make the beads and shells hanging in front of the door move. I wanted to watch her just a bit longer. As her head was bent down, with her hands clasped together, she stopped mumbling. She smiled.
“How long are you going to stand there, Charity?” she whispered. I tensely let a laugh burst from my lips and stepped inside the room. It was surrounded with various smells from all of her plants. Gloria rubbed some peppermint smelling liquid on the man’s back where the Jagmarales had whipped him severely. He stood, rolling his shoulders back, and stepped out of the room. I waited a few seconds after he left to tell Gloria what had just happened.
She dropped the bottle she was holding, her mouth open. She reacted better than I had thought. I stepped away from the broken pieces, not wanting to step on them with my bare feet. Gloria bent down and began picking pieces up, grumbling.
“Why did you use your powers in the first place?” Gloria whispered intently. I bent down, to help her. My eyes watered up, realizing that I was probably going to die today. I’m only fifteen! I can’t die now!
“It was for the Smith’s children. They wanted their juice to be cold, so I made it cold…and Melody told her mom when she came home. She didn’t tell on me, but she was telling her mom that I was magical or something.” I wiped the wetness from my eyes. Gloria brought me in a tight hug, which only made me cry harder. She let me wet her dress for a little while, patting the back of my head while I cried. She then separated from me as I let a few nervous hiccups pop out.
“The Jagmarales want to have an emergency meeting with this nest! Everyone needs to go to the Ritual Temple immediately!” An older man yelled. People began filing out from the tunnels. I cried harder, knowing they were going to look for me.
“Charity, look at me baby.” Gloria said, holding my face, “I know how to get you out of here.” I sniffed, probably snotting all over myself.
“It’s impossible. The Jagmarales are everywhere; they would catch me in a split second.” I wailed. Gloria slapped me, not hard, but it definatly made me shut up.
“Don’t give up hope in front of me, girl. Now, I need you to listen to me very carefully alright? Now, at the entrance of the Temple…”

******

I walked in the line with everyone else. After Gloria had told me what to do, she had given me some gifts. One of the gifts was a bow and some arrows for ammo. The arrow had a bluish metal at the tip, and she told me it’s the only metal that Jagmarales fear. She then handed me two small daggers, the same color as the arrows, and I noticed that the handles had something engraved on them. I asked Gloria what it meant and she told me it was “Chione” with is “Snow” in Greek. I had attached my arrows beneath my pants, on the outside of my right thigh, with the daggers right next to them. My bow was at the entrance of the Temple, hidden, so when I make my escape I can grab it and go.
The Ritual Temple is a big place. It is mainly made out of wood and metal—the kind of metal that Humans had made for skyscrapers long ago. Whenever the Jagmarales took them away, they used the metal to make Ritual Temples for their leader. Barbslo was in his chair, as usual, and was watching all the Humans as they walked in. Gloria was the last Human in—as planned—and right as she stepped through the doorway the Jagmarales guards slammed the door closed.
A Jagmarales then stood next to their leader. It scanned the rows of Humans, with his weary red eyes. He stepped forward and then began to speak.
“A human has told us of a human in this nest that is gifted.” It spoke, its voice ringing out. Mrs. Smith then came forward onto the stage and bowed respectfully to the Jagmarales. It stepped aside as she pointed to the crowd.
“The traitor in this nest is…” She began. Her index finger was pointing at me. Suddenly, Gloria stood and threw her arms out as if giving someone a hug.
“Alright, I’ll admit it…I’m the individual who possesses these special powers.” Gloria’s voice was more powerful than any person I’ve ever heard before. I looked around, noticing that some of the Jagmarales were surrounding me. Now that Gloria had just said she’s gifted, they moved away from me and began to slink towards her.
“I’ve hidden it so well over all these years…and now that Carla Smith has identified me…I might as well admit it to everyone.” Gloria turned around to the Jagmarales that were positioned behind her. They sneered at her with their ugly faces.
I looked around. There were no Jagmarales near me. I was still kneeling, like everyone else. I slowly took a step back, making sure my head didn’t bob up and down. I took another step back. The Jagmarales were not paying attention to me at all. They kept their eyes focused on Gloria, who was giving a speech about why her special powers were better to remain secret.
“You are saying that you are not planning anything against my race?” Barbslo spoke. Gloria stopped speaking immediately, and looked up into his eyes. She nodded once. He relaxed his expression a little, and waved his fat little arm.
“I would believe you, but I can’t trust you.”
I took five steps back, very fast so no one would see. I was so close to the door. The guards who were supposed to be at the door had moved over to Gloria. I leaned against the door, and cursed. It was locked. I looked up at the lock that hung above my head. It needed a key. I looked at one of the guards and saw a key hanging from a belt it was wearing. I scowled and looked back at the lock. I have no time for this; I need to get out very soon.
I stared at the lock. I felt the same little ding shudder through my body, telling me I was full of energy to bend the temperature around any object. A soft crack came out of the lock as ice formed on it. Frost covered the outside of it, and steady crackling noises were produced. Ice began to grow on the lock, covering the shiny metal with clear crystals.
“Kill her!” Someone cried. I broke my concentration away from the lock just as it shattered.
Time slowed down.
I watched the Jagmarales leap forward. Gloria was stunned, and didn’t move as they pelted on her. I watched her expression turn from fake confidence to terror. I watched her body disappear under the mass of Jagmarales. I wanted to cry out, I wanted to scream, I wanted to do something but it was useless. I stood, frozen, watching my nanny, and my best friend, be attacked.
I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. I could feel the tight knot in my stomach form, watching the scene. Humans screamed and backed away from the sudden attack. The Jagmarales’ tails wagged, as if they felt pleasure for killing someone so innocent. No! That should be me!
The aliens suddenly cleared away and I saw something that made my heart break. A single monster lay over her, one of its long claws stuck through her chest. I stared, my eyes not able to tear away from her pale face. Her eyes were wide and glazed over. There was no brightness in them. She was dead; I could see it clear as day. The alien pulled the claw out, with a layer of clean blood on it. Gloria’s lifeless body shuddered, and a pool of blood formed beneath her. I stared, my mouth wide open.
Time sped back up again. Shards of the broken lock fell upon me. A twinkling sound emerged from the falling ice. I looked up just as Barbslo looked in my direction. A nasty snarl escaped from him. I scrambled up from my kneeling position.
“It was a trick! Get the girl!” He screamed. All of the Jagmarales looked in my direction. I have to get out of here, now.
I pushed the door and broke out into the night. It was dark, and low clouds hung like fog. I ran away from the Ritual Temple, and grabbed my bow that lay on the ground near the nest’s entrance. I hung it on my shoulder as I desperately ran. I was stronger than a regular human, with the special gene I’m cursed with, so I ran faster. It was weird, running from the Jagmarales like this. I’m usually obeying them, and following their orders.
I dared a glance back and saw that the Jagmarales were right on my tail. I imagined one getting frozen, and a few seconds after thinking that, a scream tore into the night as shards of the alien flew into the air. I ran faster, pushing my body harder than I’ve ever done before. I looked back again, and saw that the Jagmarales were too stunned that one of their buddies just froze. They stared at the ground, at the shattered remains that were iced over with chilly crystals. They didn’t move, and they didn’t show any signs of wanting to move.
I used that single lucky moment to run farther into the darkness.
-StarStruck

.Life is like an hourglass...eventually, everything hits the bottom. And all you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along and turns it around.
  





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Sun Dec 06, 2009 9:02 pm
narniafreak12 says...



Hi! I'm back again! Very good once more!

Would they take her to Barbslo? I gritted my teeth. This is the thanks I get for taking care of her kids? Melody is young; wouldn’t her mother at least have a single thought of doubt?

Alrighty, are these her thoughts or just random questions? If they are her thoughts please put them in italics. If they are just random questions, drop them.

She reacted better than I had thought

Wait, was Charity looking for a reaction? I don't think this actually works here.

I stepped away from the broken pieces, not wanting to step on them with my bare feet. Gloria bent down and began picking pieces

You use "pieces" twice so maybe change one to "broken glass" or "shards of glass" or something.

I’m only fifteen! I can’t die now!

Again, if these are her thoughts use italics. If they are just random comments take them out, because it just drags down the story.

She let me wet her dress for a little while, patting the back of my head while I cried

I'm sorry but "wet" makes me think she peed or something. So maybe change that. Also, this whole part where she cries doesn't seem to really fit Charity's earlier personality. Okay, yes she probably would cry but not all blubbery and hiccupy. Maybe it's just me but if that's how you had her then by all means keep it.

Time slowed down.

Please take this out. Never tell us that "time slowed down" but instead just show us that it does.

Time sped back up again

You don't need this, and if you do change it to something without the word time.

as I desperately ran

Take out "desperately" I think readers will get that is how she is running since she's trying to escape.

Okay the whole part where Gloria takes the blame for Charity's mistake was crazy. It was really good and everything. Kept me wondering what was going to happen. I hope to read more soon! =]

-Narniafreak!
  





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Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:10 am
EDay says...



Hey Sarah this is Erin, just some minor point outs and room for improvement right here.
Paragraph 1
Your very repetitive, it's like four sentences on just Mrs. Smith walking. You should try to combine and condense those sentences into one or two like this:
*Mrs. Smith walked passed (past is time-[i]passed[i]is moving by) without saying a word carrying a severely grim expression engraved in her face, and never meeting my eyes.
*She walked with determination, her chin held high as if she were top of the world; I held my gaze on her until she disappeared upon reaching the entrance of the ladder.
I think doing this, compressing your ideas a little better you can contain readers contact better. I also find that the one lone sentence:
She was a loyalist.
a little awkward and would fit more appropriately with the previous paragraph like:
*I sank to my knees, my heart was racing for she was a Loyalist.
Paragraph 2
The only issue here is that the last sentence is a little confusing, hard for the reader to grasp.
Paragraph 3
Sentence two and three are a little repetitive, you repeat the word some, you should change one of them to: a little. Again this paragraph is a little choppy in the manor of which it flows. I think the sentence:
I wanted to watch her just a bit longer,
is just extra and that simple sentence should be either elaborated or deleted. Also that next sentence was awkward because you never mentioned that Gloria was ever mumbling, maybe she was in your mental picture you had, but the reader can't see that unless you say it. So she can't stop unless she starts.
girly, i know i gave you my written review a long time ago, but typing it ALL over again is a pain so heres some of what i had say...Love you Sarah :)
liquid sunshine isnt meant to be kept in a jar, but printed onto pages
  








There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart