Young Writers Society

Deleted post. I accidentally posted the same piece of work twice.

1.)

Violet was one of the finest planets in the three systems; resources under the fertile ground; the water-, helium- and oxygen-rich atmosphere similar enough to Earth’s to sustain human life; even the landscape was pleasant to the eye, rolling hills dappled green with algae or purple with the alien flora. The original explorers had landed near the equator of the planet (the current site of Lowe, a mining town and the capitol for the planet) and named it for the hue the planet seemed swathed in when viewed from above the purple atmosphere. Even after they landed and found the true ground-color to be mainly green, the name stuck, and soon after became the official title (despite bureaucratic squabbles).

[The start of this chapter is rather dull. There's no hook. It's not always a good idea to start a chapter with heavy descriptions of scenery unless that scenery is involved with some obvious conflict; there are no characters, conflict, or any reason for me too keep reading. I suggest you save the description for later down and start with the most gripping part of the chapter]

2.)

Now, seven hundred years since the first colony ship touched down, Image was teeming with algae farms, retirement resorts and interplanetary tradeports. Already, Image was suffering a fate similar to Earths’, accumulated pollution and space junk, and looked to become another Seljik within a foreseeable future.
Lowe, once a prosperous mining town, became cluttered with factories that smeared the sky with a dark grey smudge, marring Violet’s atmosphere for the first time since the planet’s cosmic-dust beginnings. One such factory, on the border of a government housing development, employed thousands of workers (most from the development) to keep their product on the shelves: servile robots.

[All of this is just summary. You need to show the story not tell it. I suggest you scatter all these descriptions around instead of putting it into one big chunk. It's almost like reading a history book.]


3.) [Even your whole section on the MC is a summary. You need to understand the difference between showing a story, letting scenes happen in real time, and telling a story, which is telling the reader everything about the character instead of letting the reader discover it for themselves. The point of reading fiction is to go on an adventure with an MC where the author lets you discover things, not straight out tells you.]

Hey Jenthura, You need to figure out who your MC is because first you start with 27, then you bring up this Kari character. If you're doing a god-like POV, I suggest you let the reader follow one dominant character. I suggest you figure out who you want to be the bigger MC and show this story through her POV. Right now, your presence as an author is felt too much in this story, sort of like you're intruding. Stand back and let your characters do the work. Try also understanding first the motivations and conflicts that your major MC is supposed to have and then write the story. I hope you get my meaning. Keep writing and I'm sure you'll get it down!

Suzu

so the grammar issue first "ante room"

not sure if you can say this. Ante is generally a prefix, so its odd to see it separated from the whole like that. Antechamber might be the word you were looking for.

Other than that only a couple of small issues. At the beginning the planet was called Violet, but then it became Image. Why the change? Or did I miss something?

As the reviewer above me said, I was a little confused as to who the main character was at this point. 27 inherits the title, but we only receive thoughts from Kari. If the story is written from a person's perspective who is only viewing the main plot, I wish you luck, because it is a very hard thing to do well.

Besides that grammar and spelling was sound, so start working on the next part!

Yo,
to disagree slightly with another reviewer - this chapter starts perfectly. It doesn't need a hook - the hook is in the prologue. It worked on the reader, hooked him or her, so now you are quite justified in briefly describing the planet and it's history.
By the way, there seems to be this school of thought, that 'mere' descriptions are not enough, that everything possible must be presented as thoughts and words of the character.
I've never read a classic in any genre which followed this formulae. Robert Howard, Tolkien, Ray Baradbury, or to jump to another level - Tolstoy, Dostoevky - they describe like mad, and it doesn't hurt their books at all. Perhaps this 'make me feel the character by blotting out everyting else' thing is a derivative from the currently popular soap-opera fiction. Well - it's always a pleasure to see that not everyone is into it.
Now, the only realy weak sentance which I read in this chapter is the one beginning with: No one knew her secret,... - that one is rather lame. The level of the style plummets at this point. Please think of some other way of formulating this. Otherwise - begins like a splendid juvenile sci-fi.
Please continue writing this story

Hmmm... gotta say that i like the prologue better, but not by much. Just because it had more action. I like the way you start here, though. Kind of catchy, although it is a bit tell-ish, I wouldn;t have noticed. I didn't mind being told about the planet, although I didn't like the change in name "violet, Image" I think you might have to clear that up a bit. POtherwise, i agree with napalmerski. Beautiful descriptions are great and all, but you can't write an entire book describing every single thing. And it's best to introduce us to the planet straight away so we can get on with the reading without wondering what planet they are one, and thinking - did she just say that tree was purple??? - I like the way you introduced us; shart, snappy, out of the way, get it over and done with. Now we can fully read the story. Looking forwards to reading some more.

I don't think you described the character ina tell-ish way either, but one thing did confuse me. When she said/thought/narrated: "Kari was beginning to understand why most workers started at the bottom and didn’t pay their way to the top. "
That made me think that she was rich and was paying to get into the job, instead of being properly qualified. She then says "I need this job" which makes it sound like she's poor. How could she pay her way to the top while being poor (unless she did so using all of her money, making her poor) This is reinstated when she grimmaces at having 700 credits. But then, when she is offered a brochure on being unemployed (which in my opinion should hold ideas on budgeting and getting another job) she declines.

Hmmm.... perplexing.

One last thing. Brackets. I never use them in writing, and you just reminded me why. That's telling, and the type of telling that I don't enjoy. You should be able to tell/show us what you put in the brackets in some other way - it just seems cheap and cheesy, like you can't fit it in somewhere, to put brackets in.

For exxample: But no one knew where she (or the derelict cruiser that was her home) had come from, nor of her stubborn desire to remain where she was; she could have easily been promoted a dozen times over if she’d only allowed her superiors to put the star on her uniform. No one knew her secret, and (if her sentiments about her personal life were to remain so) no one ever would.

Could become: But no one had the faintest idea who had built her derelict cruiser, or where they both came from. Nor of her stubborn desire to remain where she was; she could have easily been promoted a dozen times over if she’d only allowed her superiors to put the star on her uniform. No one knew her secret, and if it were up to her, no one ever would.

Thanks for writing!

Ok, Im back and ready to do a content review,

I. Introduction
I found that the intro was a bit dull and it seemed like a slight information dump on the time and setting of the story. Although I appreciate this new information a new reader that did not read the prologue will not have the hooker or a large desire to keep reading. This was all resolved after the first three paragraphs so soon it was back to the great story.

II. Character Development
The person whom I thought was the main character seemed to not be the star anymore. This threw me off guard with the sudden knowledge of this new character. Kari did not disappoint though. She was presented very well and I did get a good physical and emotional description as well as a bit of background information. This pleased me even after I was looking forward to hearing more about what happened to 27.

III. Plot
I am currently unsure of where it is going due to not knowing who the story will follow or if it will switch back and forth.

IV. Overall
Overall I did enjoy it but I felt slightly scammed. My feelings are mixed, but I shall express them as best I can in simple points.
[*]Intro was an information dump, helpful for prologue readers bad for those who didn't.
[*]Switch of characters also surprised me although you did wrap 27 into the story.
[*]After the first few paragraphs I would deem it great for new readers as it seemed like an extra prologue in a way without those paragraphs.
[*]Great character emotion and physical description.
[*]Plot is slightly evident which is good and with a base there is always room to build

Ugh I hope I made some sense?

~DayDreams

Thanks so much for the reviews, guys, but I discovered that I accidentally posted this chapter twice on YWS. I erased this one ( I can't find the delete button ) but you can find the other one here (http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=57475). This does not mean I will disregard your post, however, I was kinda confused by the array of response: Should I keep the heavy, info dump, or not?

EDIT: Image was my original name for the planet, but then I went with Violet.