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Young Writers Society


Adventures of the SPEW Gryphon III (Episode I)



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Sun May 16, 2010 3:02 am
Griffinkeeper says...



1200 Hours April 5th, 25 AS
SPEW Docks
YWS Station


After two years of construction, the SPEW Gryphon III was ready to be launched from the docks. A massive crowd of four people had shown up, five counting Grif. Alteran was one of them. Attending the reception was Alteran, Jennafina, Areida, and Evi. All of them were Captains of ships on YWS, except Areida, who was the leader of the dreaded SPEW Commandos.

"Is this everyone?" Alteran asked.

"Firearris said she would come by, but she's always busy, so I don't know," Grif said.

"Well, it's a nice ship!" Jennafina said.

"It's very shiny!" Areida agreed. They all looked up at the massive ship. It was larger than a World War II aircraft carrier and had enough room for several hundred members, cargo, even smaller craft like fighters and shuttles. Built in the secrecy of the SPEW Construction Yards, it was the latest ship in the YWS fleet. It was a wonder more people didn't show up.

Suddenly, they heard the sound of running as Firearris arrived.

"Sorry I'm late! Did I miss the ceremony?" she asked.

"No. We were just about to get started," Grif said. Everyone took their seats and Grif got up.

"I'd like to thank you all for coming. I know you've attending this kind of ceremony twice before and each time the ship ended up blowing up or something. So hopefully I'll have better luck with this one. Areida, would you like to sing your song now?" Grif said. She took the stage and Grif returned to his seat.

She looked around and began to sing 'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony.'

"I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company

I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills
For peace throughout the land

("That's the song I hear," Evi and Jennafina sang in the background.)
I'd like to teach the world to sing
("Let the world sing today," Evi and Jenna sang.)
In perfect harmony

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves."

Areida finished singing and the group applauded. It was during this happy moment that Adelaide, the artificial intelligence of SPEW, appeared before them.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm picking up a cluster of ships approaching YWS in a battle formation. They're approaching the outer defenses of YWS now," she warned.

"What can you tell us about these ships?" Grif asked.

"Not much. There are twenty of them, they only just entered our sensor range. They seem to be arrayed in four groups of five."

"The inner defense perimeter should be able to take out anything that the outer defense perimeter doesn't. Still, we'll finish this up quickly. Have you initiated the precautionary protocols?" Evi said.

"All ready working on it. SPEW members have been notified and we're preparing to evacuate YWS. There are about five hundred members on the station right now and I'm able to warn them as well. I don't know how long it will take to evacuate them all, maybe ten minutes?" Adelaide said.

"Let us know when you have a better idea of what's going on," Grif said. Adelaide disappeared. "Evi, Jenna, Areida, it's time to christen the ship."

They nodded and they each picked up three buckets with red ink in them. Evi was the first to speak.

"I christen thee the 'Gryphon III' in the name of SPEW. May you fly faithfully and use proper spelling and grammar," she spoke, tossing the ink in her bucket onto the hull of the ship. Areida was next to speak.

"I christen thee the 'Gryphon III' in the name of SPEW. May your shots be true and may your story have a happy ending," Areida spoke, tossing the ink in her bucket onto the hull of the ship. Jenna was last to speak.

"I christen thee the 'Gryphon III' in the name of SPEW. May your hull be sturdy under the hardest of hits and may you endure where other authors would tear out their hair," she spoke, tossing the ink in her bucket onto the hull of the ship.

"That concludes the christening. The ship is now fully operational, thank you all for coming," Grif said. Adelaide flickered back on.

"There is a problem. The outer defenses haven't been activated. The enemy fleet has opened fire and is destroying them without loss. Snoink needs to activate them, but she is ignoring my communications."

"Can you hack into the defenses and activate them?" Evi asked.

"I can't activate them, I can only access them."

"Where is Snoink?" Evi demanded.

"She's in the control room."

"Okay. Adelaide, sound the evacuation alarm, evacuate YWS. Grif, Areida, get to the control room and get Snoink to activate the defenses. Go now," Evi ordered.

"Yes ma'am," the two SPEW Commandos responded before racing off down the corridors into the heart of YWS Station. Evi turned back to the rest of them.

"The rest of you should get back to your ships."

"I don't have a ship!" Firearris said.

"Come with me then," Evi said.
Last edited by Griffinkeeper on Thu Jun 03, 2010 5:17 am, edited 5 times in total.
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Sun May 16, 2010 6:32 am
Octave says...



Comments in red.

EDIT: Will finish later.

Griffinkeeper wrote:1200 Hours April 5th, 25 AS
SPEW Docks
YWS Station


It had taken a couple years to build, but finally the SPEW Gryphon IV was ready to be launched from the docks. Not a very striking first sentence, but it's okay. A massive crowd of five people were there. Amusing how you called it massive. Attending the reception was Alteran, Jennafina, Areida, Evi, and Griffinkeeper. I'm not sure I like the way this last sentence is structured though.

"Is this everyone?" Alteran asked. He was the Captain of the YWS Highwind. Maybe you could tell us he's the captain in another way. It's kind of weird there.

"Firearris said she would come by, but she's always busy, so I don't know," Grif said.

"Well, it's a nice ship!" Jennafina said. She was the captain of the SPEW Peregrine. Too telly for my taste. Again, there ought to be another way.

"It's very shiny!" Areida agreed. They all looked up at the massive ship. It was larger than a World War II aircraft carrier and had enough room for several hundred members, cargo, even smaller craft like fighters and shuttles. The latest ship in the YWS arsenal, it was a wonder more people didn't show up. "The latest ship in the YWS arsenal" is a dangling modifier here.

Suddenly, they heard the sound of running Allow me to hear it. What kind of sound? Running has lots of sounds - it could be the rustle of bushes as someone passes them, or the clanging of a metal floor, or the pounding on wood. as Firearris arrived.

"Sorry I'm late! Did I miss the ceremony?" she asked.

"No. We were just about to get started," Grif said. Everyone took their seats and Grif got up.

"I'd like to thank you all for coming. I know you've attended this kind of ceremony three times before and each time the ship ended up blowing up or something. So hopefully I'll have better luck with this one. Areida, would you like to sing your song now?" Grif said. She took the stage and Grif returned to his seat.

She looked around and began to sing 'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony.'

"I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company

I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills
For peace throughout the land

("That's the song I hear," Evi and Jennafina sang in the background.)
I'd like to teach the world to sing
("Let the world sing today," Evi and Jenna sang.)
In perfect harmony

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves."

Areida finished singing and tears appeared in the eyes of those who could hear, so beautiful it sounded. The last part of the sentence is awkward and forced. Change. It was during this happy moment that Adelaide, the artificial intelligence of SPEW, appeared before them.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm picking up a cluster of ships approaching YWS in a battle formation. They're approaching the outer defenses of YWS now," she warned.

"What can you tell me about these ships?" Grif asked. No panicked gasps? No freaked out thoughts? The response is kind of flat.

"Not very much yet. I can tell you that there are twenty of them, but they are too far out to be identified."

"The inner defense perimeter should be able to take out anything that the outer defense perimeter doesn't. Still, we'll finish this up quickly. Have you initiated the precautionary protocols?" Evi said.

"Already working on it. SPEW members have been notified and we're preparing to evacuate YWS. There are about five hundred members on the station right now and I'm able to warn them as well. I don't know how long it will take to evacuate them all, maybe ten minutes?" Adelaide said.

"Let us know when you have a better idea of what's going on," Grif said. Adelaide disappeared. "Evi, Jenna, Areida, it's time to christen the ship."

They nodded and they each picked up three buckets with red ink in them. Evi was the first to speak.

"I christen thee the 'Gryphon IV' in the name of SPEW. May you fly faithfully and use proper spelling and grammar," she spoke, tossing the ink in her bucket onto the hull of the ship. Areida was next to speak.

"I christen thee the 'Gryphon IV' in the name of SPEW. May your shots be true and may your story have a happy ending," Areida spoke, tossing the ink in her bucket onto the hull of the ship. The repetition is awkward. Jenna was last to speak.

"I christen thee the 'Gryphon IV' in the name of SPEW. May your hull be sturdy under the hardest of hits and may you endure where other authors would tear out their hair," she spoke, tossing the ink in her bucket onto the hull of the ship.

"That concludes the christening. The ship is now fully operational, thank you all for coming," Grif said. Adelaide flickered back on.

"There is a problem. The outer defenses haven't been activated. The fleet has opened fire and is destroying them without loss. Snoink needs to activate them, but she is ignoring my communications."

"Can you hack into the defenses and activate them?" Evi asked.

"I can't activate them, I can only access them."

"Where is Snoink?" Evi demanded.

"She's in the control room."

"Okay. Adelaide, sound the evacuation alarm, evacuate YWS. Grif, Areida, get to the control room and get Snoink to activate the defenses. Go now," Evi ordered.

"Yes ma'am," the two SPEW Commandos responded before racing off down the corridors into the heart of YWS Station. Evi turned back to the rest of them.

"The rest of you should get back to your ships."

"I don't have a ship!" Firearris said. xD

"Come with me then," Evi said.


Okay. Final thoughts:

I really have nothing to say. It's adorable. ^^ I do think you could do better with word choices, but apart from that it's good.

Oh, and I'd like to see more emotion towards the end. But yea. That's it.

Sincerely,

Kara
Last edited by Octave on Tue May 25, 2010 6:31 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Sun May 16, 2010 7:44 am
Snoink says...



Control Room:

ALARM SOUNDS.

"The door's locked and we have twenty seconds to defuse this bomb, MacGruber!"

"The name's not MacGruber... it's Snoink. Give me that tape."

"No! This bomb, you can only disarm by singing the whole song of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

"Um..."

"DO YOUR BEST."

"Twinkle... twinkle... little star. How I... wonder... where you... are? Up above the world so high. Like a... a.... a.... in the sky..."

EXPLOSION

MacSnoinker!
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Sun May 16, 2010 6:49 pm
Evi says...



Fantastic. This is clearly a work of literary genius. (And I'm liking the fact that I get to give orders. :P)
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
  





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Tue May 18, 2010 7:38 pm
Alteran says...



Oooo, so...Do I get to make more art! I'm inspired again. Off to the 3D drawing board. :)

And and this is awesome.
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Wed May 19, 2010 3:41 am
Griffinkeeper says...



Hey Adam! 3-D art is good. I'll try to include more physical descriptions of the ships in the next chapter, or the chapter after. Whenever they get back to the ships.
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Thu May 20, 2010 1:37 am
Thegirlwholived says...



*coughs* And, uh, where am I?
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Thu May 20, 2010 5:49 am
Griffinkeeper says...



Thegirlwholived wrote:*coughs* And, uh, where am I?


Probably in some other portion of the story. The story tends to involve members I'm more familiar with, because I can exaggerate their characters more accurately. I don't know you all that well, so that's why you haven't been mentioned.
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