Young Writers Society

(Some of you may not remember, but a long time ago I posted a part of my story I'm writing that happened in the past called The Dragon Knight Legacy. Well, I'm writing one that happens in the future while I'm getting ideas for the next book. Remember, this thread is just the prologue so don't get mad at me if it seems short or incomplete. To me, a prologue is just a couple of paragraphs that gets you interested in reading the story. That's why it might seem incomplete, so it makes you want to read the first chapter.)

Code Red! Code Red! Intruders In Sector G4! Intruders In Sector G4!

Alarms blared and red lights flashed on and off in what seemed like a government facility of some type. A group of heavily armed soldiers ran down the long corridors, killing anyone who got in their way.

They stopped in front of a large sliding door. They opened the door and went inside the dimly lit laboratory, shooting and killing all the scientists inside.

In the middle of the room was a large tube filled with wires and green liquid. All the wires in the tube were connected to one thing, a child. The young boy looked to be no older than two years of age. His dark hair flowed like waves within the green liquid. Two stubby, dark purple wings grew out of his back.

One of the soldiers took off his helmet. He was bald, had tanned skin and a large white scar that ran over his left eye. He went over to the computer console of the tube the child was in.

One of the shot scientists propped himself up against one of the computer desks. He said something to the bald man; it was hard to hear his voice over the loud blare of alarms.

The bald man pulled out a handgun and shot the scientist dead between the eyes.


"NO!"

The dream left Darc in a panic. He was sitting up in his bed gasping for air, a cold sweat rolled down his brow. He fought to catch his breath and calm his senses.

"...It was just a dream," he tried to convince himself, but it wasn't the first time he had this dream. He's been having the same dream twice a month ever since his sixteenth birthday; it's been three years since then.

He looked over at his alarm clock on his bedside table; it read 3:58 am. He had classes in the morning so he had to go back to sleep. He laid back down in his bed and closed his eyes. It took until 4:30 before he fell back asleep.

I think you could describe the people shooting (and being shot) a bit better. Just saying, 'killing anyone who got in their way' feels very empty, and just don't paint any sort of picture in my mind's eye.

Also, there's the line:

He's been having the same dream twice a month ever since his sixteenth birthday; it's been three years since then.

Shouldn't that be, He'd and it'd? The rest of the piece was in the past tense.

Other than that, this does indeed make me ask a number of questions - who are the people killing? Why are they killing? Who was the child (thing?) in the tube? (and so on).


Keep on writing .

I know you said you didn

Dynamo wrote:Alarms blared and red lights flashed on and off in what seemed like a government facility of some type. A group of heavily armed soldiers ran down the long corridors, killing anyone who got in their way.

They stopped in front of a large sliding door. They opened the door and went inside the dimly lit laboratory, shooting and killing all the scientists inside.

In the middle of the room was a large tube filled with wires and green liquid. All the wires in the tube were connected to one thing, a child. The young boy looked to be no older than two years of age. His dark hair flowed like waves within the green liquid. Two stubby, dark purple wings grew out of his back.

One of the soldiers took off his helmet. He was bald, had tanned skin and a large white scar that ran over his left eye. He went over to the computer console of the tube the child was in.

One of the shot scientists propped himself up against one of the computer desks. He said something to the bald man; it was hard to hear his voice over the loud blare of alarms.

The bald man pulled out a handgun and shot the scientist dead between the eyes.


"NO!"

The dream left Darc in a panic. He was sitting up in his bed gasping for air, a cold sweat rolled down his brow. He fought to catch his breath and calm his senses.

"...It was just a dream," he tried to convince himself, but it wasn't the first time he had this dream. He's been having the same dream twice a month ever since his sixteenth birthday; it's been three years since then.

He looked over at his alarm clock on his bedside table; it read 3:58 am. He had classes in the morning so he had to go back to sleep. He laid back down in his bed and closed his eyes. It took until 4:30 before he fell back asleep.

I'm correcting in the order of the bold quotes:

"What seemed" and "of some type" together are too much, pick one or the other.

Either combine the sentences, or use a different pronoun, this just didn't work for me.

You could say that In a large tube...was a young boy of about two years with purple wings... and whose hair... (ellipses mean all your descriptive stuff goes there)

Why twice a month?

I'm not really a science-fiction reader, though, so don't mind me...

Very good. Nice job Dynamo that's pretty good for a prolouge if you ask me. However I did have a question: Why did the bald dude talk to the scientist then kill him when he just shot the rest? It was very good though as it left me mystified and wondering what happened why it happened and what would happen next.

it sounds like a good story i think i'll read it.

sounds pretty good makes me want to read it badly!!!!

Hey, it sounds good!

I think the name 'Darc' is a bit too much pun.
(It's kinda hard to crit a prologue)

But it sounds great, and I'll read it!

~Timea

Wow, I thought everyone forgot about this story. Good to know some people like my stuff so much they'd dig it out of the archives just to read it again.

This story was written a year or two ago, at the time where I had ideas flying out of the wazoo but not the skill to put them properly on paper. Sooner or later I'll have to repost them like I did with The Dragon Knight Legacy when I start working on it again.

this sounds amazing and ill read it!

you just have to work on discription more, because when you said "killing everyone in their path" doesnt give us much info, we want to hear how many,when and where. you need to work on these action scenes.

i cant wait to find out who the kid is and those soldiers, and whats going to happen next.

you gave just enough info, not to much or to little.

great job.
pm me when the first chapter comes out

vince

It was good. I can see the lack of description as plot teqhnique for introducing the events of the prologue in later chapter. If the soldiers and scientists aren't especially important, then this will fly so long as the rest of the story is fairly well detailed.

It was good. I can see the lack of description as plot teqhnique for introducing the events of the prologue in later chapter. If the soldiers and scientists aren't especially important, then this will fly so long as the rest of the story is fairly well detailed.