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It's Too Late Now - Episode 2 (can be read independantly)



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Thu Feb 22, 2007 5:23 am
sokool15 says...



*For the first episode of 'It's Too Late Now' you can go to the 'Fantasy Fiction' forum.*


What happens next? Another question it's always great to know the answer to, but unfortunately one that we don't often find out until it's too late. I don't often regret my actions; I wondered then if this would be an action I would regret.

"Sarah! Come on."

Valerian's voice startled me out of my reverie. He was staring at me expectantly, and his whole face was beaming. I blinked, still trying to process the fact that I was standing on...on a different dimension. When Valerian had forced me to Unify with him, all of the knowledge of the new Unisi came into my head, so I knew without a doubt that everything he had said earlier was true. I still wondered, though, whether it would have been better to just go on as normal, never even knowing that the world I had always thought was solid and real was really just a small piece of the whole picture. I sighed and looked up at Valerian.

"You know, you don't have to hurry me. I'm still trying to process the fact that I'm here! Besides...go where?"

He grinned.

"Sorry, Sarah. I keep forgetting you're new, because we've had you on our scopes for so long. Here's the deal. You are now a part of our dimension, but you haven't given us your part of the dimension yet. You have to go to the Administrations Office and officially release your personal shard of universe to us. Until then, it stays at your old dimension."

I shook my head.

"Just for the sake of convenience, from now on let's call my 'old dimension' 'Earth.' Okay? Now, that's something I want you to explain to me. What happens at Earth when I release my piece of universe to this Unisi?"

He frowned and shook a piece of shaggy black hair out of his eyes.

"Well, the piece of it that's yours - presumably some part of Earth that you had a particular attachment to - comes into being in this Unisi. Sometimes, new people choose to live in their pieces of old Unisi, because it makes them feel more comfortable. You'll just have to wait and see how your piece manifests itself."

He looked at me and I could tell he was sizing me up shrewdly. I suppose he must have noticed how my face was white, my hands were shaking, my eyes dilated and my knees trembling, because he smiled and patted my hand reassuringly.

"We don't have to go to the Administration's Office just yet, if you don't want. Why don't I give you a short tour of this part of the Unisi, maybe get something to eat, and then we can head over to the A. O."

I blinked and nodded. He grinned and took my hand, and began to lead me down the street.

Up until this point, I had not noticed any of my surroundings. Now I began to see them all. As a whole, the place didn't look too much different than Earth. We were on a sidewalk that led down a large street with four lanes. The street was lined with stores and houses, and people walked down the sidewalks; children playing, adults with babies, old gentlemen, and the occasional gangly teen.

It was when you actually looked closer at things that you began to see strange stuff. As we walked down the road, one store that looked kind of like Safeway from the outside had a sign in the window that said: "Moving out sale: Green Eggs and Ham - 75 % off!!!"
I grinned. Green eggs and ham. Been reading too much Dr. Seuss. I pointed to the store and Valerian followed my gaze. He looked at me and laughed.

"That store was a piece of Unisi that a storekeeper brought with him from Greenodi. Everything there is green."

I shook my head in disbelief. After that I began to notice more oddities - a bookstore selling books made out of codfish scales; a musician who played three different kinds of saxophones at once - through three different heads and three sets of arms; a coffee shop that sold (I shuddered as I read ) drinks containing blood. After we had been walking down that main street for twenty minutes, I was beginning to finally get the concept that this Unisi really was made up of bits and pieces of different shards of the universe. I took a deep breath and held it steady. I looked up at Valerian.

"Let's go to the Administration's Office, shall we?"

He grinned, delighted, and my heart gave a little flip at the glow of his eyes. He ran in front of me, all boyish eagerness. I laughed and ran after him, trying to catch up. The sun was shining, and there were green trees planted here and there - rather randomly - in this strange world, and I felt happy. I looked down and realized that I was still wearing these ridiculous tennis shoes. I kicked them off and let the warm pavement send waves of warmth through my toes and legs up towards my heart. I ran along, feeling the wind brush my face, until quite abruptly the street stopped. It was like a huge knife had cut away the rest of it, because it came to a sharp, complete end. Marking the end of the street was a tall fence made of metal chicken wire. There was a lock on the door. Valerian was standing in front of the fence, waiting for me. I stepped towards him and looked expectantly at him. Beyond the metal fence there lay a tall, circular building, two or three stories high, with many windows that flashed in the sun.

Valerian pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and opened the fence.

"In we go, Sarah dear," he said, smiling.

I curtsied, pretending that my black jeans were a skirt. I minced through the gate on my bare feet and smiled prettily at Valerian. He put one hand behind him and one in front and gave an elegant bow in return. He shut and locked the gate behind him and I stared up at the round building, shading my eyes against the glare of the windows.

"That," said Valerian, slipping his arm through mine and pulling me along, "is the Administrations Office. Let's go in."
Last edited by sokool15 on Thu Feb 22, 2007 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  





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Thu Feb 22, 2007 1:28 pm
Myth says...



Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

What happens next? Another question it's always great to know the answer to, but unfortunately one that we don't often find out until it's too late. I don't often regret my actions; I wondered then if this would be an action I would regret.

"Sarah! Come on."


Since the beginning of both parts is in the present tense, Sarah think back to her story, you could have an asterisk to separate it or put it in italics.

Valerian's voice startled me out of my reverie. He was staring at me out of those huge blue eyes of his expectantly, and his whole face was beaming.


It is very annoying—for me at least—to be told repeatedly that his eyes are blue, I know they are so just have ‘huge eyes’ or something there.

When Valerian had forced me to Unify with him, all of the knowledge of the new Unisi [s]he had pulled me into had come[/s] [came] into my head, so I knew without a doubt that everything he had said earlier was true.


We know she’s somewhere else so I thought the parts I’ve cut out were unnecessary.

"Sorry, Sarah. I keep forgetting you're new, because we've had you on our scopes for so long. Here's the deal. You are now a part of our dimension, but you haven't released to us your part of your old dimension. You have to go to the Administrations Office and officially release your personal shard of universe to us. Until then, it stays at your old dimension."


Try rephrasing this, a little confusing to understand or get him to explain it simply—they are kids after all.

Bold parts suggestion:
... but you haven’t given your part of the dimension to us ...

He looked at me and his blue eyes sized me up shrewdly.


Do you see what I mean about his ‘blue’ eyes?

I suppose he must have noticed how my face was white, my hands [s]were[/s] shaking, my eyes [s]were[/s] dilated and my knees were trembling, because he smiled and patted my hand reassuringly.


I don’t think so many ‘were’s are needed.

As we walked down the road, one store that looked kind of like Safeway from the outside had a sign in the window that said: "Moving out sale - Green Eggs and Ham for 75 % off!!!"


It gets a little confusing after the comma, you might want to rephrase it or something. And the message can be in italics. Suggestion: Moving Out Sale: Green Eggs And Ham—75% Off!

I shook my head in disbelief. After that I began to notice more oddities - a bookstore selling books made out of codfish scales; a musician who played three different kinds of saxaphones at once - through [s]of[/s] three different heads and three sets of arms; a coffee shop that sold (I shuddered as I read ) drinks containing blood.


‘saxaphones’ = saxophones

^^^ See quote


"In we go, Sarah dear,"[space needed here]he said, smiling.


^^^ See quote

*

I think she should still be a little more alert. Just because the guy has beautiful blue eyes and smiles a lot—I’m sure he has a xylophone set of brilliant white teeth to add to his handsome looks—it doesn’t mean she has to trust him.

How does she know it is even real? His kiss could have drugged her or something, she may be in a coma and dreaming/imagining all this while the boy and his ‘people’ drain her brain and use her knowledge of Earth to destroy it or whatever. You get the picture.

The stores are pretty weird, though the blood drinks should have reminded her of vampires—makes it just a little more realistic that she is from the Earth we know. I liked the Green Eggs and Ham addition. =]

Also she needs to think about how the AO will get the ‘knowledge’. Tubes, wires into her brain. The idea should frighten her or something else.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  








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