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It's Too Late Now - Episode 3



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Fri Feb 23, 2007 6:25 am
sokool15 says...



I took a deep breath as I stepped inside the tall glass door that Valerian held open for me. The interior of the Administrations Office was cool and dim. I was startled, and looked up to see any signs of the large windows that should be letting in the light in abundance. Valerian laughed.

"The windows are only seen from the outside. We find it helps calm the nerves to have a cool, dark atmosphere."

I shuddered. Maybe it calmed most people's nerves, but it set mine jingling like little alarm bells. I could hardly see anything, but I didn't need to see a lot to know that this room was almost empty. I wondered what process would have to be completed for me to give my piece of Earth over to this Unisi. Before I had time to ask Valerian about it, however, a tall girl walked into the room. She looked slightly older than me, and had long brown hair that swept her waist. She nodded to me rather distantly, but when she saw Valerian her face broke into a broad smile.

"Hey, there, handsome! The boss will be glad to see you back so soon."

Valerian grinned back at her and I stood to the side, slightly hurt. This girl was obviously flirting with Valerian...couldn't he see that? Another girl walked into the room, and the first girl stopped chatting with Valerian and walked out. This girl was beautiful, with long, sweeping black hair and turquoise eyes. She smiled when she saw Valerian. I frowned. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who reacted to Valerian's looks. Then she saw me and a faint look of...was it anger? came across her face. She regained her smile instantly and turned to me.
"Hello! You must be Sarah. Valerian has been monitoring you for months, hoping to find a weak spot where he could get through to you."

I shrugged, accepting the fact that I didn't know what she was talking about. Valerian did not return this girl's smile.

"Hello, Marie. You're looking fine. Why are you here? I thought the boss fired you after you had illicit contact with a Refusal last year."

I looked from Valerian to Marie, bewildered. There were under-currents going on here that I knew nothing about. Marie gritted her teeth slightly, then managed another bright smile at Valerian.

"Oh, don't sound so disappointed, Val dear. Actually, it seems the boss has a weakness for beautiful women, and couldn't get me out of his sights. He's still hoping I'll go to bed with him sometime. Don't worry, I'm out of here as soon as I can get out. I don't like my replacement any more than you do, Val. But come, Sarah - it's my job to prepare the new arrivals for the Extractions and inform them of what they're supposed to do."

Valerian snatched my hand.

"On what authority?"

He demanded possessively. Marie sighed.

"On authority of the boss. Come on, Sarah."

Valerian sighed and looked at our clasped hands. He raised one to his lips and pressed a cool kill on my knuckles.

"We'll meet again soon, sweet Sarah."

Marie waited tensely until Valerian walked out of the room. Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me roughly into a nearby doorway. She pulled me into a small, white tile room and slammed the door. Then she grabbed my shoulders and shook me, then slapped me hard across the face. I stared at her in shock, too numb to be angry. She flipped a small switch on the wall nearby and turned to me.

"You fool! You utterly witless fool! Completely bewitched by a pair of bright blue eyes, were you? What did he do...kiss you, little butterfly kisses like he did with me? Did he make you feel like no other has made you feel before?"

I stared at her. At her words, the memories of the short time I'd known Valerian came rushing back. He, laughing, staring at me hypnotically, eyes pulsing with a bright, unearthly light. He, kissing my forehead, my cheek, my lips. He, kissing my hand. Calling me dear and sweet. making me feel loved and wanted. Marie had felt the same way? What was she saying! As my thought came back, my reason seemed to come rushing back as well and I wondered what I was doing. How could I put myself in the power of a complete stranger? How could I believe Valerian's stories, never having met each other before? How could I have gone so trustingly with such a perfect stranger? I sank to the paper-covered examining bench that stood in the middle of this small room and continued to gaze at Marie.

"My lord, what am I doing here?"

My voice rang out in the silence after her outbreak. Her furious face softened.

"I suppose I'm not one to scold you," she said, patting my arm. "I did the same thing as you. I followed Valerian here, and now I'm stuck."

I looked at her, bewildered.

"I see no more reason to trust you than Valerian," I muttered. "Why don't you tell me your side of the story and I'll decide for myself which one of you to believe."

Marie nodded and took a deep breath.

"This isn't easy for me, you know, Sarah," she said first. "The memories are still fresh in my mind. I was only brought to my senses by a Refusal that happened last year...but that comes later."

She sat down beside me on the bench, the paper crinkling under her blue jeans.

"It started while I was walking down the street, listening to my iPod."

I exclaimed in surprise. She nodded.

"They use iPods as a link between Earth and this place because it is so easy to install bugs in an iPod's system, and through the iPod to your brain. But that's beside the point. Anyway, Valerian came up to me in the middle of the road and smiled at me, with those big, pretty blue eyes of his glowing. I felt almost hypnotized. I went along with everything he said, believed everything. I let him kiss me, let him enchant me. He took me here, into the A.O., and I went through the process of giving my personal piece of Earth to this place."

She stopped and smoothed the paper underneath her, obviously trying to collect her thoughts and emotions. I was astonished at her story, which seemed to mirror so exactly my own. She looked up and tried to smile at me, but I saw pain in her glance. She continued.

"I lived here in happiness for an entire year, watching Valerian bring in yet more young and pretty girls, all who were enchanted by his beauty. I don't know how I got through that still thinking that he cared for me, but I managed it. One day, however, he brought in a boy. That boy was older than the others had been, maybe about twenty, with a very charming way about him. I was to take him into the back room and prepare him to meet the boss and go through the Process. When I got here, however, and started caring for him and talking to him, he told me a most astonishing story. He had been wandering around this planet for quite a number of weeks already, managing to avoid going to the A.O. for a long time. In this time, he had learned an astonishing number of things. He learned that the whole theory about the 'shards of the universe' is true, but that this Unisi is no different than the rest. In other words, they don't want to unite the universe, they want more land and more power. They take people who have large pieces of land connected with them, and leave everyone else. They only take pieces of land that hold some sort of benefit for them. If they continue as they have been, pretty soon all that will be left of all the other Unisi will be floating pieces of isolated junk populated by starving people. That boy - his name was Jacob - refused to let his piece of Earth go and was cast out. He has been living in the woods far north of here for some time now, and last year I went to see him. He was doing fine, and was trying to develop a way that he could return to Earth - his own Unisi. However, my visit was found out, and I was also cast out for a short time. However, as I said before, the boss has a fancy for long legs and black hair. He let me back in on promises of good behavior."

She stopped and looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. I swallowed heavily. Maybe all this was too much for me to take in such a short time. How could Valerian be so evil? I couldn't believe it, so instead I asked,

"So, after the...the Process, why can't you leave? What happens?"

She shook her head.

"I don't know the exact process, but something is inserted into your brain, a radioactive signal of some sort, that allows them to hold you within certain boundaries. The only person that can release you is the boss, who never will."

I sighed and dug a fist deep into my eyes, then slowly, methodically began to bang my head against my knees. Now what? Who could I believe? What should I do?
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  





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Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:43 pm
Myth says...



Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

I took a deep breath as I stepped [inside] the tall glass door that Valerian held open for me.


You mean: through

Another [girl] walked into the room, and the first [girl] stopped chatting with Valerian and walked out.


Repetition of ‘girl’.

Valerian sighed and looked at our clasped hands. He raised one to his lips and pressed a cool [kill] on my knuckles.


‘kill’ = kiss lol

"They use [iPods] as a link between Earth and this place because it is so easy to install bugs in an [iPod's] system, and through the [iPod] to your brain. But that's beside the point. Anyway, Valerian came up to me in the middle of the road and smiled at me, with those big, pretty blue eyes of his glowing. I felt almost hypnotized. I went along with everything he said, believed everything. I let him kiss me, let him enchant me. He [took] me here, into the A.O., and I went through the process of giving my personal piece of Earth to this place."


Repetiton of ‘iPod’ and ‘took’ should be: brought

"I lived here in happiness for an entire year, watching Valerian bring in yet more young and pretty girls, all who were enchanted by his beauty. I don't know how I got through that still thinking that he cared for me, but I managed it. One day, however, he brought in a boy. That boy was older than the others had been, maybe about twenty, with a very charming way about him. I was to take him into the back room and prepare him to meet the boss and go through the Process. When I got here, however, and started caring for him and talking to him, he told me a most astonishing story. He had been wandering around this planet for quite a number of weeks already, managing to avoid going to the A.O. for a long time. In this time, he had learned an astonishing number of things. He learned that the whole theory about the 'shards of the universe' is true, but that this Unisi is no different than the rest. In other words, they don't want to unite the universe, they want more land and more power. They take people who have large pieces of land connected with them, and leave everyone else. They only take pieces of land that hold some sort of benefit for them. If they continue as they have been, pretty soon all that will be left of all the other Unisi will be floating pieces of isolated junk populated by starving people. That boy - his name was Jacob - refused to let his piece of Earth go and was cast out. He has been living in the woods far north of here for some time now, and last year I went to see him. He was doing fine, and was trying to develop a way that he could return to Earth - his own Unisi. However, my visit was found out, and I was also cast out for a short time. However, as I said before, the boss has a fancy for long legs and black hair. He let me back in on promises of good behavior."


This is such a huge chink, with quite a few errors, and needs to be broken down. What does she do while she’s speaking to Sarah? Does she flick back her hair, fiddle with her fingers, etc.

I sighed and [dug a fist deep into my eyes], then slowly, methodically began to bang my head against my knees. Now what? Who could I believe? What should I do?


She punched herself?

*

You should really proof read before posting and make sure everything you want in the chapter is added. You don’t have to post the chapters so quickly, there is no pressure and that way you’ll be able to have more details in your story. Otherwise it can get quite confusing.

And that big chunk? Divide it, have a little action or maybe conflict so that Sarah is even more confused, maybe, and is not sure whether to believe the girl, Val or either of them.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  








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