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Young Writers Society


The last war



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Gender: Male
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Fri Sep 14, 2007 6:40 pm
Someguy says...



What’s the plan?




I couldn’t sleep that night. To know that at this very moment, people are dying or are already dead, gave me the feeling of nothing. Emptiness inside of a person is really a drain of life. A happiness long forgotten.
I stared at my rooftop and wonder what they were going to tell us at the academy. Are we going to war? On this earth?
If we fight, there won’t be an earth to live on, because of the technology. So advanced that Earth won’t be able to handle the pain and sorrow we will inflict, that Earth will just decide he’ll give up. The end…

The next morning I awoke with my sister next to me.
I slowly and gently stood out of bed and tip-toed out of my room, to the kitchen.
When I entered the kitchen, mother was sleeping, arms folded on the chair with seven cups of what used to be coffee.
I opened the fridge and took out a left over lasagna and ate just the way it was.
Nathan came downstairs to see me and mom both at the table (Mother was still sleeping)
He sat next to me and took a fork, eating what was left of the lasagna.
‘What do you think their going to tell us at the academy?’
‘Don’t know.’
I actually never thought about the academy. To tell you the truth, I forgot.
‘Probably what we’re gonna do. I mean, URS owns fifty percent of the military in the-‘
‘Yeah, yeah, you told me. I didn’t forget.’

There was an uncomfortable silence in the air. It made me sick.
I couldn’t take it. I had to break it, but what else was there to talk about.
A horrible war has just broken out. What else was there to talk about.

Mellissa came into the kitchen with surprisingly a teddy bear.
It looked like the opposite version of whiney the poo (Just a nickname.)

‘Are you all right?’ I asked.
‘A bit stressed out, but yeah. I’m all right.’
Her eyes were dull, yet it looked bright and excited.

I went to the living room where I turned the TV on.

London.
The once mighty city of the world, pulverized to oblivion by a force not normal. A leader so devastated by war, it consumed him and made him… different. Machines ahead of its time, that this is what the monster left behind.

The fire has been killed at last. The smoke is gone.
I wish it wasn’t.
They showed were Buckingum palace used to stand.
A once beautiful structure, all that is left is rubble.
“Big Ben” wasn’t big anymore. It was the size of an ordinary house.

The “monster” as they call it, is moving towards America. A place of technology. It is said that any man above the age of twenty, must report to their nearest Academy at ten o’clock. NO excuses.

‘You’ll have to hurry up.’ my mom was in the living room, slithering towards her chair. Let’s watch something else.
I could tell my mother was thinking about father. It’s her eyes.
I don’t know how, but in some way her eyes tell you how she felt.
Where was father? He was the only one who could cheer her up.

My brother and I jumped in the car and headed for the academy.
It was quiet.
People were abandoning there houses or simply moving further North or to the central regions of America.
Why do they even try to run from death? I asked myself. We don’t have enough soldiers to protect America. It was impossible. There was no hope.

After an hour or so, we arrived at the Military academy.
We were a bit late, but luckily not the only ones.
We hurried towards the entrance and quickly took a seat that was nearest to me.

‘I find we have to fight back to keep them busy until we get the necessary reinforcements.’
A general stood facing the few surviving leaders that managed to escape from London. ‘I know, but risking the lives of our fellow citizens is not an option.’ I immediately recognized the voice. It was none other than Mr. Larne. How he survived was a miracle.
‘We have no other option. If we fight, we might be able to keep them busy until help. If we don’t, then America is lost.’
‘So your telling me is if we don’t fight we’ll lose, and if we do fight, we might lose. Is that what you’re saying?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well that is an easy choice, no. I will not allow it.’
‘Listen.’
The general’s voice became deeper and more serious.
‘We only have over the ninety thousand soldiers in this State.
They, outnumber us forty to one. If we can get a few men in this room brave enough to fight, we might have a chance of saving America. Yes we will lose a lot of men, but how do you want them to die. With honor, to know that they were the ones who died for a cause, to protect their country. Our country. Or do you want them to die like civilians. Hopeless, defenseless. We’ll end up just like London.’
There was a long dead pause. The general obviously had a plan, but will it work.
‘All right, but this a decision for the men sitting in this room.’
I looked around. Everybody was standing up and so did I. Nathan took a while, but forced himself to stand up.
I was looking for a fight and I hope my enemy knows how to fight.

We were scheduled to leave tomorrow, so I told everything that happened to my mom and Mellissa.
‘What about us.’
Mellissa started to cry. She didn’t want us to go. We had no choice. Not anymore. I just wrote my name down for those who are going to war.
‘You and mom will be transported to Washington. The barrier has been upgraded for extra protection so it is actually the safest places in America.’
‘When?’
‘Tomorrow’
‘Oh, so I guess we’ll have to start packing.’
Mellissa ran upstairs to her room. She was crying again.

We didn’t really need anything. Just our bathroom supplies and some stuff that will remind us on somebody we love.
‘So we are gonna fight?’ Nathan walked into my room.
‘Yeah, I guess so.’

I promise. The fights are going to come.
This is one long book I'm writing. :wink:
Look at my big shiny shell...
  





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404 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1108
Reviews: 404
Sat Sep 15, 2007 5:03 pm
Gadi. says...



"Emptiness inside of a person is really a drain of life. A happiness long forgotten. "
This seemed very cliche, plus it's a tell, not show. Make sure to describe the nothingness. Is it a deep line in your chest? Is it a blankness in the pit of your soul?

"stared at my rooftop and wonder"
Wonder isn't past tense. It should be.

"The end..."
Uh-uh. Delete.

Very slow beginning. Increase the pace, add some sudden action. Death is good, but add an image. You see in your mind a young girl, her brains plattered on the floor....etc.

Many spelling and grammatical errors. I will ignore them from this point on.

"their going to tell us at the academy?’"
Confusing. What do you mean here?

"Her eyes were dull, yet it looked bright and excited."
??? Dull and excited? First off, adjective confusion, second, contradicting adjectives.


There--"There once was a house." Their---"Their house was big."

---
I didn't like this. It was very jumbled, very unsatisfying, with a very slow pace and several repeated spelling/grammer mistakes.

First off, who is your main character? We don't even know if it's a girl or a boy! Why are they ignorant? Are they brave? Give us more! Feed us information!

You tell us everything. The Buckingham Palace is rubble? Is it a burning mass of trash, or the bleak remains stained with the queen's blood?

Who are those who odestroyed London? Aliens? Give us some data! Some info!

There is no suspense. Sorry, but this story was not as suspenseful as it should have been. Suspense is built using three things:

1) Setting. How did the main character's house look like? No descriptions, no imagery. ...
2) Plot. This story had no distinguishable plot: everything was mixed, jumbled. You talked about the man's feelings, then about London, then about his mother...focus on one thing for now.
3) Clues. Leave us some foreshadowing for the future! Otherwise, there is no intrigue.

Try to rewrite this. It has a lot of potential, but not a lot of literary achievement. Work on it! :)

PM me if you have questions.
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away
  








“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell