Young Writers Society

General Eric Nye looked at the black expanse of space through his small window. It all seemed so incredibly the same. How many weeks had he and his troops been out here looking for that missing freighter? Two? Three? It had been too damn long. They'd soon run out of ammo and the United Terran Alliance would have two missing ships. All the fueling stations were a good two thousand miles away.

A knock on his office door broke his train of thought. "General?"

"Proceed." A young pilot rushed in, out of breath and desperate."What's wrong? Space pirates?"

"No. We found freighter 9755." Nye lept up from his holo-desk and began the long run to the cockpit of his V-69 Terran war-fighter.

----

The large space freighter hung in space, illuminated by the icy planet below. It was an older model, most likely an old Russian Empire craft being used for shipping weapons. The ship looked eerily dark.

"You picking up any life readings?" The general asked the instrument man.

"Your not going to believe this. This piece of crap must be broken. It says the ship contains ten thousand life forms. That's six thousand more than the capacity."

"Okay, but never call my ship a piece of crap again." He walked up a short flight of stairs to his speech platform. "I want a med team and a strike team assembled for the ride over there. Some try to hail that ship and communicate with them. Ask how many alive and injured. I want the strike and med teams ready in five minutes."

The men rushed around in a well trained manner. These troops weren't called the best recon team in the Alliance for nothing. They were fully ready in 3 minutes. Nye ran down the metal stairs leading to the docking bay. Thirty men stood at attention in their usual mission gear. Night vision goggles, laser resistant chest, arm, and leg covers, four frag grenades, two med packs, and a com link.

"Mulligan," Nye spoke into his head set."you've gotten a hold of the freighter?"

"Nope sir, but we'll keep trying." Nye walked to the craft. "Sir."

"What?"

"See yah on the other side." Nye smiled. Of all his crew Mulligan was his favorite.'Don't go and get yourself killed. We need yah."

"I should be telling you that."

"I gotta go." He got in and waited to arrive at the other ship.

*This should be longer but because I lacked time last night I couldn't finish it. I'm going to finish the intended prolouge now.*

The small shuttle slowly approached the large freighter. It looked so...so dead and forgotten.
"Freighter, do you copy? I repeat, freighter 9755, are you there?" Mulligans voice rang out through Nyes small comlink.

"Just give it up. We're almost there. Can you overide the door and airlock system on the freighter?"

"Is that even a challenge? Thats a piece of cake." The great metal door slid open slowly. Crates and other cargo were stacked all over the docking bay. "Wait just awhile after I shut off the airlock so the room gets oxygen."

The doors slid shut again as the craft began it's decent. Everything looked okay, and it was obviously not space pirates. The merchandize was left yet no people in sight.

"It's okay to leave now. I'm---losing---talk to---back." Mulligan's voice faded out. The frequency on a different ship could do that. The men assembled into their usual teams. Fiveteen medical members to stay on the ship, and fiveteen strike team members to recover. The perfect team.

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"I don't like it. Why would all the cargo be left here, but no people?" Nye thought out loud. This was all too puzzling. "Nevermind. Just focus on the mission." His team slowly made their way towards the hold. From there they could enter the bridge, the place where they could get feed from the entire ship. The hallway lights were all turned off, but on a freighter of this size they usually were. It would take millions of dollars to supply it for just one day.

"General." Eric turned around. His young assistant came up along side him."So who do you think did it?"

"Did what?"

"This. Evacuated an entire freighter and left the junk. I bet it was Crulian slave traders."

"I doubt it. The Crulians haven't been known to enter this part of the space or take down freighters. They most likely had a engine malfunction and had to abandon ship." Nye said with false confindence. In all of his years in the military he had never seen something like this.

They reached the hold in no time and began searching the crates. "I want some of you to stay here and keep searching for clues of this dissaperance. The rest of us will head up to the bridge. Send us a hologram if you find anything. And stay alert. I don't like the look of this." Eric headed for the ele-chute. A strange pile of gray bubbles grew on the controls."That's odd." He thought as he and his team shot up the tube to the bridge.

Green = Comment
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

It all seemed [s]so incredibly[/s] the same.

The parts cut out didn’t do the sentence any good.

All the fueling stations were a good two thousand miles away.

This is space, wouldn’t he refer to ‘miles’ as ‘light years’?

"No. We found freighter 9755." Nye lept up from his holo-desk and began the long run to the cockpit of his V-69 Terran war-fighter.

Typo: lept = leapt

It was an older model, most likely an old Russian Empire ship being used for shipping weapons. The ship looked eerily dark.

‘ship’ is repeated too often. Think of synonyms: It was an older model, most likely a Russian craft being used for transporting weapons.

"Your not going to believe this. This piece of crap must be broken. It says the ship contains 10 thousand life forms. That's 6 thousand more than the capacity."

Typo: Your = You’re

Remember to write out numbers.

I want the strike and med teams ready in 5 minutes.

Maybe: I want the away team ready in five minutes. Avoids repetition.

*

I’ve cut out most of the divider as it’s easier on the eye and doesn’t stretch the page.

As a prologue there wasn’t anything that interested me but most prologues don’t so please don’t take it the wrong way.

For advice I suggest you get rid of the repetition and perhaps open the characters up. The general obviously loves his ship which is why he doesn’t like someone referring it as ‘piece of crap’, is it his ship or has he been serving on it for a lifetime that it’s become part of him? Why does he like Mulligan?

I look forward to reading what happens on this strange ship.

Myth

It's my opinion, but I think you should spell out the numbers. Don't start a sentence with a numeral.

I no im just a novice but i have to heavily disagree with the senior writer. I think he did well on this piece. I disagree with the saying ship too much also. The only thin i suggest is that you make it so there is more tension in this like you hear things or see more gray bubbles.

I think the intro was good but there was a part where he called the life finder a piece of crap; not the dude's ship. I thought this was a good piece and you should definetly keep writing the series (make it at least 6 or 7 chapters long) Have fun with this Dont be obsessed with making things perfect. This site is about having fun while writing so dont become completely obsessed with what other people say (except kal) your writing skills are good and developed so just write whatever demented, graphic, or sci-fi filled piece you want and nevermind what other people say or comment (again except for me and kal).

-Jake

Edited: Remember to use the edit function when adding small pieces to your posts.

you should have the bubbles split when they shoot them (if in fact they are hostile) you should make the bubbles be like alien things that engulf people and then kill them

Jake, you should really stop trying to act all professional. But I guess what you had to say was good. But stop dropping hints on what's to come next...

It is a good story but i feel no connection with the characters. It's very bland and you dont explain anything.

How did they loose the freighter? Many questions like this remain unanswered!