Young Writers Society

Description:
A mysterious british girl, a hidden secret, a talented boy, a wacky professor. So mny things are esque, but are coming together.....

Prolouge: This story takes place in 3007, a century from now. And Cam, Cammy or whatever she's called in the story, is from London. Then she moves to America, (in the future America has 51 states) She moves to Drakot island(the 51st state). And travel is alot faster, and once she's on the island. She meets a boy. And a mystery. Now, back in London, she had solved her share(and probably a little more) of mysteries. But, this one is a little more intriging. And dangerous, and she'snot sure if she's up to solving it. Or facing the concequences.

What I've got so far:

"Listen up!!" Mrs. Weaver siad in a quivery voice,"We have a new student..........Come here Ms. Webs." she said gently towards the twelve-year-old girl, hidden by the shadows of of a corner in the door. She stepped out of the darkness, and was thankful to be addressed without her first name. "Student, this is Miss Camron Webs. She will be in this homeroom from now on." Camron (Cam preferably) winced at the sound of her given first name.
"Um."Cam started softly,"Please called me Cam." she requested, and now her british was very recocnizable. And the students' hands immediately rose into the air. All, that is, except one, Whose face stuck in a book, titled:'Wicked, A 2003 musical (broadway) hit. 'Hmm.'she thought, while lokking at the peculiar boy. 'Every time I come to a new school, everyonewants to know things about London.' She then startedanswering the questions about her hometown. Almost all of the raised hands were to say things like:
"Oh my gosh!!! I L-O-V-E, love your accent!!!"
"What town are you from?!"
"Say more stuff!!!!" (Etc. etc. etc.)
'Ugh! whats with that boy?!' Cam thought, and even in her mind her british accent was strong.
"Um." She started softly,"Can I speak for a moment?!" She siad trying to talk of all of the other voices. Everyone was immediately silent. "If you guys keep on talking, then I'll go insane! Please can we just get on with the lesson?!" She asked pleadingly. Now, even the strange boy was looking at her. "What?!" Camron asked "Okay." she said flatly, " I came here to learn, not to teach."She then said as forcefully as she could muster. And immediatly strode down the rows of desks . All the way down to the one next to the 'broadway boy' as she now called him in her head. She put her things down next to her desk, and quickly smiled at the boy who, like the reat of the class, was staring right at her. And all were in shock, except Mrs. Weaver, who liked the girl, in that she wanted nothing to do with being a disruption. (time elapse!)*******************************************************
Cam was definately ticked off at the rest of the world. Even though she, and her foster parents had come to Drakot island to make a new start.(if you didn't read the prolouge, then you need to!!!!!!) But, in just four hours, she had gone from England, to North America! It could be little bit stressful! She missed Bethany,(Her best friend) she missed London. All she wanted to do was go back to her little apartment on 12th street.
"Cammy?" her mother asked. But, her voice was muffled by the door.
"Come in." she answered, getting up from her bed.
"Hi!" her mother said cheerfully, as she entered the cozy but tightly packed room. She immediately saw her daughter's unhappy expression. "What's wrong, Cammy?" She asked sweetly.



(if you want more keep looking for stuff by PrinncessLeia23!!!)
(ps. this isn't the end of my story!)

(First things, you should really change the pull in of your story. Saying YOU MUST READ THIS!!!! etc. doesn't really help you get any crits let alone views.)

Paragrahing. You need paragraphing. I tmakes it so much easier to read and will have more people commenting because they can read it. They should go in between each time a new person speaks as well.

Also, plot base if you hadn't added that description bot at the start I wouldn't have a clue as to what it was about. I wouldn't think it was sci-fi at all.

That's my criticisms for it. If you improved on your style it could make something good. It looks like a Nancy Drew type tale and as long as it doesn't get too similar, it could be very good.

It was kind of hard to read because of the formatting. Especially paragraphing. The story is intriguing so far, but the prologue is a bit cliche. It's a general "girl moves to strange land, finds dangerous conspiracy and possible romance" type thing.

The grammar is also a bit out of whack, and you shouldn't have to put things in parentheses in your story like this:

"Say more stuff!!!!" (Etc. etc. etc.)

She missed Bethany,(Her best friend) she missed London.

Wicked, A 2003 musical (broadway) hit

Camron (Cam preferably)

The "Etc, etc." should be taken out, because it makes it seem like you didn't want to write that part and just put filler in there instead.

The second one could be changed to:
"She missed Bethany, her best friend, and she missed London."

The third one: "Wicked, a 2003 Broadway hit."

The fourth one: "Camron, who preferred to be called Cam, "


But especially don't use parentheses like this:

Even though she, and her foster parents had come to Drakot island to make a new start.(if you didn't read the prolouge, then you need to!!!!!!)

If people read your story and the prologue's at the top, they are more than likely to read it. Again, it seems kind of like you wanted to put filler instead of explaining the plot.


For this:

(time elapse!)*******************************************************

You can just do this- skip a line (as you should do after every paragraph, and just type this:

**********

Don't put excessive asterisks either.


Overall, an interesting idea and I'd like to read more if you improve the formatting of it. Reading large blocks of text that aren't in paragraphs are hard to read and most people are annoyed by grammar mistakes in excess. Make sure to proofread before you copy and paste it into the message box. Keep on writing!

~Lini

Okay lets begin and try make this better presentable wise and, everything wise. I'm sorry that sounds harsh but it's only way I improved.

Description:
A mysterious british girl, a hidden secret, a talented boy, a wacky professor. So mny things are esque, but are coming together.....

Okay this isn't needed, we can read and don't need this here, let readers find out about it all by themselves as you post the story. It shows lack of trust in ya own writing skill, that we won't understand. Hmm one place you could post this in the the decription for story below subject or title.

Prolouge: This story takes place in 3007, a century from now. And Cam, Cammy or whatever she's called in the story, is from London. Then she moves to America, (in the future America has 51 states) She moves to Drakot island(the 51st state). And travel is alot faster, and once she's on the island. She meets a boy. And a mystery. Now, back in London, she had solved her share(and probably a little more) of mysteries. But, this one is a little more intriging. And dangerous, and she'snot sure if she's up to solving it. Or facing the concequences.

Prologue way too short, you want us to be interested when reading prologue right, besides grammar and spelling. It was written like I was on a train. The thing is this train also made it seem like it was written half-hearted. That you didn't really care. Look at books and read there prologues notice how they entice you in make you want to know more. An example of a good recent Prologue I read was Raymond E Feist - A Shadow of a Dark Queen.

What I've got so far:

Frankly I couldn't care less what you've got so far. Put this up top or something I just want to read the blasted thing.

"Listen up!!" Mrs. Weaver siad in a quivery voice,"We have a new student..........Come here Ms. Webs."

Too many elipcese (... Only three needed a full stop one dot . elipces are three ...) and why is it quivery she's a teacher man, she ain't gonna be terrified of her students. Think carefully right, she's a teacher in a school full of barely adolenscent teens, you need to be pretty strong to handle a class like that.

I agree with person above me about parenthenesis and in case you're unsure what we mean. (Parethenesis: -blah- (blah) {blah} <blah> [blah])

I'd advise you to put this through spell check on word or this site. Believe me many a people will say it's you're friend they lie it's the writer life blood :p.

The name was what caught my attention, but "READ THIS!" get rid of it. Another thing what is the girl name "Camron, Cameron, Cammy or Cam". Don't interrupt flow to tell us to read the prologue that's just so going to stop people reading. My advice look towards the knowlege Base on YWS here link

writing_tips.php

Overall bar sentence structure, grammar and spelling this has potential and once you edit it would gladly reread it. Believe me this seems harsh at some points but don't give in. Slow is my advice Rome wasn't built in a day nor was Shakespere Plays written in a month. So slow down and think. Reading over work carefully.

Good luck VSN

hi

i've realised quite a few mistakes but they can be fixed quickly like:

siad- said

In 3007, a century from now

Isn't 3007 a millenium away- 1000 years away
but if you wanted a century it would be 2107

I'm also not sure about the description,
maybe you should leave it out and let the reader get an understanding of the characters by describing them bit by bit. if you wanted to mention anyone it is probably best to do that in the prologue but only if it makes sense. i understand what you where trying to do in the description.#


one more thing: it has it lot of brackets in it. you could reword these to make them into part of the sentence.

other then that i think that this is the start of a good story and you should totally continue it

hope I helped at all

*Fairy*