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Young Writers Society


The Chosen Ones: Prologue



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Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:27 pm
kshsj777 says...



"Cadets, I am proud as your instructor to announce the next generation of young soldiers, fighting for the freedom and security of this city." A handsome, raven-haired man in his early forties paced down the line of young men and women standing before him in their uniforms. "You have endured several months of training, all in preparation for the day in which you could defend your home. And finally that day, the day you have waited for has now arrived. I applaud you the courage and determination that I know each one of you possess. You have received your assignments. Now go, and Godspeed."

The instructor waited a moment before calling on the name of one of the cadets as they started to clear the room. He stood in front of a window that displayed the familiar background of outer space and distant stars. "Cadet Sylvia Allan, will you please remain behind for a moment?" The young woman stayed in her place until the entire room was empty save for the two of them. Sylvia gazed at him expectantly,waiting for him to speak.

They were on a city designed to orbit around the earth; a place that contained the latest technologies that humankind had designed thus far over the course of the past hundred years of the twenty-first century.

For a long time, its construction had remained secret, until a few years ago, its existence had been announced to the world. War had broken out into two sides, each wanting control of Zavora for their own purposes.

"Sylvia..." The commander could say no more, before he choked back on his tears. The seventeen-year-old lost her formal posture and ran to him, giving him a hug.

"It's okay, Daddy. I'll be fine." Commander Steve Allan wrapped his arms around his daughter. He never wanted to let Sylvia go; he was terrified that he would never see her again.

"I'll miss you," he whispered.

"I'll miss you, too." Allan released her, "God be with you." Sylvia nodded and exited the room towards the docking bay, leaving her father alone.

Sylvia was assigned to a small shuttle, the Sweetney, as the pilot, along with four other crew members. It would be a tight fit, but for this mission, they needed stealth and speed, and that also meant less space. They were cleared for takeoff, bound for the planet below, for that was the battle ground. Whoever won down there, would win the prize up here.

As the ship grew closer and closer to Earth's atmosphere, Captain Arnold ordered stealth mode so they could fly over the surface without detection. Unfortunately, it didn't get very far before an energy beam scraped the side of the shuttle.

"What in the world was that?!" the captain shouted. "We're supposed to be invisible; they shouldn't even know we're here!"

"We have eighty-percent shields," a crewman announced. They were now in the atmosphere.

"I don't know, sir," Sylvia replied, "I have no clue. They must have found some other way to detect us."

"How? We have the best of the best!" Another beam hit the ship, this time, causing the shields to drop down to zero.

"We're losing power!" The cloak failed, and they became visible, more vulnerable to attack. A third energy beam was fired, and Sylvia lost control of the shuttle. The entire crew blacked out as it plunged into water, sinking into the depths of a lake.

Hours later, Captain Arnold awoke. He turned off his personal shield and started checking on the four other crew members. Three of them were dead, their personal shields surrounding them had failed, causing them to die on impact. The captain made his way to Sylvia, and checked her life signs. She was alive.

Arnold switched off her shield and gently woke her up. "Sylvia! Sylvia!" She groaned as she regained consciousness.

"Captain?" Sylvia struggled to get out of her seat, glancing out of the window, and then realized they were underwater. "Sir? What are we supposed to do?"

"We have to try to reach the surface and call for help."

"But this is enemy territory," Sylvia protested. "We'd never make it!" The captain knew she spoke the truth, but he couldn't sit there and do nothing.

"I have to try." Captain Arnold got up, and pulled out a space suit from a drawer. "This should work well in the water. I'm going up there to at least have a look around. If I'm not back in five hours, assume I'm dead."

"Captain!"

"After that," he continued, ignoring her protests, "I want you to shut all power down to the shuttle and put yourself in stasis for about two hundred years. That should be enough to survive whatever cataclysmic event that might happen." Sylvia remained silent, knowing that it was useless to argue with the captain once he made up his mind.

When Captain Arnold didn't return in the five hour window, Sylvia Allan did as he directed. She shut down all remaining power: propulsion, lighting, life support, everything except the upright stasis chamber. It required minimum power, and would slow down her aging dramatically.

The only light came from the chamber itself, and Sylvia paused for a moment in the dark before entering inside. What will everything be like in two hundred years? Will my father even be alive? Will I be alive? These questions floated in her mind, as she stepped into the stasis pod, and the glass-like door slid over her. The light from the chamber went out, and Sylvia fell into a deep, but dreamless sleep.

One last thought echoed in her mind.

Will I ever return home?
  





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Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:04 pm
deleted6 says...



Hmm this has been done before and I read this and saw nothing new. Could you maybe tell us what or who Earth is fighting. Plus it's very Halo-esque. In way no one survives but her. The problems are many.

Firstly info-dumping very bad. Try to ease information in slowly not in one huge dollop.

They were on a city designed to orbit around the earth; a place that contained the latest technologies that humankind had designed thus far over the course of the past hundred years of the twenty-first century.

For a long time, its construction had remained secret, until a few years ago, its existence had been announced to the world. War had broken out into two sides, each wanting control of Zavora for their own purposes.


Two, Character are otherwise very hollow, give the crew members some life. Maybe have take off scene before and they talk. I want to know about these faceless people.

Three the MC was typically Mary Sue, meaning she was very hollow, I felt like I didn't care for her neither for the captain plus the Father hugging his daughter before she leaves and he'll never see her again, incrediably cliche.

How about describing scene underwater, inside of ship, the space station, the people even. Description makes it seem more real. Make an unoriginal idea seem orginal been done before.

Good luck VSN
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Wed Oct 31, 2007 10:20 pm
Ryter says...



I kinda agree with Vernon on this one. Info-dumping is present, and its not pleasant. Take care to introduce details naturally, rather than putting it in inbetween a conversation. At least, that's what it looked like.

And, uh, if she just woke up how did she know she was in enemy territory?

As for the apparent setting... she's going from the future to the future? Not a big deal to us readers. You haven't (no offense) talked about much in the "current" time. Us readers won't feel much of a transition.

Pretty good, overall. Can't wait to read the next!
  








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