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Chapter One of Duty Calls Part Two



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Thu Nov 29, 2007 8:40 pm
scotty.knows says...



So this is part two. Tell me what you think.

Part One of Chapter One http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic22642.html

The Prologue (you don't really need to read it and it's really long... so... XD http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic21141.html

And will someone tell me how to make links look all neat and tidy instead of like the mess above?
...........................................................................................................

Glan bowed and gestured to Rodax. “I’ve solved the problem, Sir.”

“Oh?” Baalith asked. He looked briefly at Rodax and then back to his aide with a frown on his face- another bad sign from a prospective employer.

“You know the other day when you mentioned the threats against your daughter, Sir?” Glan asked.

Rodax perked up. It was his daughter, then, was it? The blonde from the pictures? Well this was interesting...

Baalith certainly caught on then. He lost a bit of his cool; this must be a touchy subject with him. “Ah, yes, of course. I did, didn’t I?”

“Yes, sir you did, I asked Mr. Kalithrim to come and help with the problem.”

Baalith looked over at him.

Rodax winked.

“You brought the Mercenary here?”

Oh, Rodax you‘ve moved up in the world. You’re not just any mercenary around here, you’re The Mercenary. Nice

The aide shrugged. “Well it’s better than nothing, which is what you have now, if I am correct, Sir. Mr. Kalithrim is the perfect candidate. With his exquisite combat skills and young age, I would expect that he‘d do very well in this situation.”

Baalith continued snapping at his aide, “Don’t you think that if I wanted his help, I could have asked for it myself?”

Rodax just twiddled his thumb and innocently took another glance at the picture of the Governor’s daughter. ****, she was gorgeous. He felt a rising tide of excitement in his chest. No, he wasn't protecting some fat, cranky informant, it was an honest to goodness girl... who looked about his age.

Keep it cool, Rodax.

Glan looked to the side and chewed the interior of his lip. This was obviously not the reaction he had expected.

“Well you said you didn’t know quite what to do and I believed that I could do you a great service by bringing Mr. Kalithrim here. He does this sort of thing for a living and if you recall, he saved all our lives a few months ago during that incident on-“

Baalith interrupted and his face changed entirely. He seemed to have worked out whatever he was contemplating. He waved his hand with his eyes half-shut. “I understand, I understand. I shall deal with this from here. You can run along and do whatever it is you would normally be doing. I believe this mercenary will be just the thing we need.”

Rodax smirked. How quickly the winds of favor changed.

The aide bowed and walked backwards from the room. “I’ll reschedule your afternoon meeting with the World Leaders Council, then. Unless you wish otherwise?”

“That will do. Go now.” Baalith directed without looking at Glan.

“You know how to make a guy feel welcome.” Rodax muttered loudly as Glan exited the room.

Baalith smirked with a sniff. “You are welcome, Mercenary. I was unaware of your visit and you threw me off a bit. I would ask that in the future, you inform me beforehand if you intend to pay me a visit.”

Rodax frowned. Another thing that got under his skin was how Baalith called him Mercenary. “Do you speak to everyone like me? I can see you now.” Rodax brought a snide voice upon himself. “Wife, come here. Daughter, pass me the spinach. Mailman, give me the newspaper." Rodax sniffed. "Harem Girl, go faster.”

Baalith scowled and Rodax smiled.

His voice was strained. “Were it not for your exceptional skills, I would have had you executed long ago for your insolence. I expect that as a Governor, I command a bit of respect even from such as yourself.”

“Would you respect a piece of crap if it wore a crown?” Rodax asked.

Baalith worked his jaw at Rodax and shook his head. “You are a bold, young man.”

“So I’ve been told.” Rodax waited a moment and then shrugged. “But that’s not why I’m here is it? Sounds like your daughter’s in a spot of trouble.”

Baalith nodded. He moved to his luxury seat with its high back and many-buttoned arms and seated his overweight bottom in it. Rodax remained standing.

The Governor paused briefly and looked out the window with his back to Rodax. This got on Rodax's nerves too. Rodax might very well not be paying attention, but staring blankly at a face was better than at the back of a head.

Baalith began speaking distractedly. “A few days ago, I received a written note with a threat that unless I gave the moon of Rayton to its people, my only daughter would be killed.”

Rodax raised his eyebrows. “Well at least they got to the point. They give you a time frame?”

“No, they just said that I was to liberate the moon to the people.”

Rodax paused and thought about this. “You said written? You mean with a manual device?”

Rodax could tell Baalith was smirking. “A graphite pencil precisely. Does this make a difference?”

Rodax nodded. “It depends. For find this, someone must have left it for you to find. Thus, they’re on recording. Pull it up and then you’ll have them.” he explained, heavily implying “duh”.

Shaking his head, Baalith put a hole in this idea. “No, see, I found it on my desk. The embassy and all the buildings around it have no security cameras. You know how politics is. The surveillance satellites above us hardly do any good. There’s such a storm of people in and out of these buildings. It must have been an inside job.”

That put a different spin on things.

“In that case,” Rodax paused. “You have more trouble than I thought. A mole in the embassy isn’t doing anyone any good.”

“Tell me about it. After finding this note I informed my staff. Apparently, my chief aide seemed to think it was more dire than did I. And here you are.”
It seems pretty dire to me, but whatever.

“And here I am to kill all the LRF people?” Rodax asked.

Baalith began speaking to Rodax like he was a child. “Ah, that‘s where you‘re wrong, Mercenary. See, there was no name on the note. No indication who wanted the moon freed. Just a note that said I was to give the people the moon or else. I can’t tell exactly who did send it. However, I have a very accurate assumption. The terrorist attacks were the biggest clue.”

“Let me see the note.”

“I’m afraid that will be impossible.” Baalith told him.

Rodax rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips. “Did you wipe with it?”

“Very droll." Baalith turned his seat around. "I threw it away. It’s been incinerated.”

Rodax spun about and threw his hands in the air. “That was real smart. If it was a note on your head, would you have chucked in a trashcan?”

Baalith shook his head again. “See, I didn’t consider it a real threat. My daughter has accumulated a great deal of personal enemies amongst other youths in her school as well as here. I just expected it to be a note aimed for her, see? When, days later, a bus was bombed and later an air-transport, I had to re-address the issue. A few days ago, I mentioned my problem to my associates and one of my aides contacted you. As I have said, here you are.”

“So you want me to find out who’s up to it and go kill all the people at ‘Rayton Liberation Central’?”

Baalith shook his head, eyes rolled again, implying with every syllable that Rodax was a fool. “You really don’t understand politics.” Not waiting for Rodax to come up with a snappy comeback, he continued. “If they all show up, dead, it will only portray them as martyrs. Only more people will rally to their cause and that is precisely what they want.”

Rodax shook his head. “Please explain for this layman mercenary why you don’t sick the proper authorities on them?”

“I already have. They came up with nothing in their investigation. No explosives, no other incriminating evidence. I can’t do much about it. What I really need is for her to be protected until the terrorists leave a hole in their cover through which my people can leap.”

Rodax clapped his hands together. “And that’s why I’m here. So what does your daughter think of her life being threatened?”

A sliver of unease crept across Baalith‘s face so quickly it was almost imperceivable. “She hasn’t been made aware of the threat as of yet.”

“What?” Rodax didn’t believe his ears. “Why not?” he fumed.
'Merikuh!
  





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Mon Dec 03, 2007 7:29 pm
Kylan says...



Well, I have to say I enjoyed the first portion of this chapter more than this one, but as always, very adeptly written. However, here you have some lag time. Boring detail. Although the information you gave us in this portion of the chapter is porbably important, we don't really care. I think you could've cut a lot of the sluggish dialogue near the end, particularly when Rodax is talking about mudering "all the LRF people." You have him repeat this question later as well. He's just repeating himself. And I don't see how it's even remotely revelant to the story. This portion is heavy...it needs to be put on an atkin's diet or something. Fat-trimming would be welcome. If you go back over this and cut out some of the needless plot related details, things would run more smoothly.

Rodax has some great lines here, but he definately doesn't have what I would call a killer's personality. He jokes around to much, he's immature. I feel, for better or worse, a character like Rodax should be a little more hardened, cool, calm, and in control of himself. His position strikes me as one of cold appraisal. One that would merit a personality of deadly politeness and cordiality. Consider making some of his more bold interchanges with the govenor internal. If you like Rodax the way he is, by all means, don't change him. But he strikes me as a character in a teen novel, rather than an adult audience.

Rodax winked.


Out of character, I think, for Rodax. Consider cutting.

****, she was gorgeous.


In the literary forums here on YWS, you don't need to censor your work. You're allowed to say what you wanted to say here.

You can run along and do whatever it is you would normally be doing.


Awkward and unrealistic. Who says something like this? You're making a caricature out of the govenor. You're making him a joke. And it kind of reflects on your story. This entire line could be cut down to a simple "go" and become extremely less awkward.

You are welcome, Mercenary


As I said in my last crit, clunky. Don't have the govenor refer to him as "Mercenary". You can express arrogance in a more subtle way, you know. After all, the govenor is a politician. They're not this blatantly stuck-up.

The embassy and all the buildings around it have no security cameras. You know how politics is. The surveillance satellites above us hardly do any good. There’s such a storm of people in and out of these buildings. It must have been an inside job.”


First of all, I don't know how politics are. Why aren't there security cameras. It's just stupid not to have them. Second, If there's such a storm of people in an out of the building, why does it have to have been an inside job. This paragraph doesn't make sense.

why you don’t sick the proper


I think "sick" in this situation would be "sic".

So what does your daughter think of her life being threatened?”
...
“Why not?” he fumed.


These are awkward and out of character for Rodax. Why should he care whether or not the govenor's daughter knows about her situation. Why is he so angry? He just strikes me as a character who doesn't really care about much of anything. Except for money and maybe sex.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado
  





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Tue Dec 04, 2007 4:50 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Rodax perked up. It was his daughter, then, was it? The blonde from the pictures? Well this was interesting... --- NICE USE OF LANGUAGE

He felt a rising tide of excitement in his chest. --- ARE U SURE IT WAS A RISE IN HIS CHEST?? *LAUGHS*

Rodax smirked. How quickly the winds of favor changed. --- SOUNDS STUPID

Baalith smirked with a sniff. --- ? WHAT? YOU CAN SMIRK AND SNIFF AT THE SAME TIME!?!??! NO!

Rodax frowned. Another thing that got under his skin was how Baalith called him Mercenary. --- WHY? ISN'T THAT WHAT HE IS?

“Wife, come here. Daughter, pass me the spinach. Mailman, give me the newspaper." Rodax sniffed --- NO! NO SNIFFING! --- . "Harem Girl, go faster.” --- *LAUGHS*

Baalith scowled and Rodax smiled. --- TOO DESCRIPTIVE.... OR MAYBE UNDERDESCRIPTIVE. NOT NEEDED ALL THE SAME

“Would you respect a piece of crap if it wore a crown?” Rodax asked. --- OOOO. THAT'S NOT RIGHT. . . HE'S THE EMPLOYEE, I'M SURE THE GOVERNOR COULD FIND SOMEONE ELSE

Baalith began speaking distractedly --- HE SAID, SOUNDING DISTRACTED ---.

“In that case,” Rodax paused. “You have more trouble than I thought. A mole in the embassy isn’t doing anyone any good.” --- I BEG TO DIFFER. THE MOLE IS DOING A HELL OF A LOT OF GOOD FOR THE OTHER SIDE

“Tell me about it. --- AFTER ALL OF THE REST OF HIS SPEAKING, THIS SENTENCE DOESN'T FIT IN --- After finding this note I informed my staff. Apparently, my chief aide seemed to think it was more dire than did I. And here you are.”
It seems pretty dire to me, but whatever --- AGAIN TOO NONCHALANT.

"I can’t tell exactly who did send it. --- HE'S ALREADY SAID THIS - WHY IS HE SAYING IT AGAIN?

Rodax rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips. “Did you wipe with it?” *LAUGHS*

“Very droll." Baalith turned his seat around. "I threw it away. It’s been incinerated WITH ALL THE OTHER RUBBISH I HAD LYING AROUND.”

Rodax spun about and threw his hands in the air. “That was real smart. If it was a note on your head, would you have chucked --- IT --- in a trashcan?”

Baalith shook his head again. “See, I didn’t consider it a real threat. My daughter has accumulated a great deal of personal enemies amongst other youths in her school as well as here. I just expected it to be a note aimed for her, see? --- YOU'VE SAID "SEE" TWICE --- When, days later, a bus was bombed and later an air-transport --- VEHICLE ---, I had to --- READDRESS --- the issue. A few days ago, I mentioned my problem to my associates and one of my aides contacted you. --- AND --- here you are.”

[[[[[[“So you want me to find out who’s up to it and go kill all the people at ‘Rayton Liberation Central’?” Baalith shook his head, eyes rolled again, implying with every syllable that Rodax was a fool. “You really don’t understand politics.” Not waiting for Rodax to come up with a snappy comeback, he continued. “If they all show up, dead, it will only portray them as martyrs. Only more people will rally to their cause and that is precisely what they want.”]]]]]] --- YOU SHOULD PUT THIS WHERE HE ASKED THE SAME QUESTION THE FIRST TIME. A PROPER MERCENARY WOULDN'T ASK THE SAME QUESTION TWICE, BUT ASK FURTHER QUESTIONS RELATING TO IT

"What I really need is for her to be protected until the terrorists leave a hole in their cover through which my people can leap.” --- THEN WHY CAN'T HE JUST HIRE SOME PROPER BODYGUARDS?

Rodax clapped his hands together. “And that’s why I’m here. So what does your daughter think of her life being threatened?” --- RODAX IS STARTING TO REMIND ME OF CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. . . .

A sliver of unease crept across Baalith‘s face so quickly it was almost imperceivable. --- NICE LANGUAGE!!!!

“What?” Rodax --- COULDN'T --- believe his ears. “Why not?” he fumed. --- "HE FUMED" PART IS UNNECSASARY



This story is getting really good. If this was on the shelves, I'd buy it (but not if it were over $25!)

So - off to read Part3!

jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  





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377 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 22732
Reviews: 377
Tue Dec 04, 2007 4:51 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Rodax perked up. It was his daughter, then, was it? The blonde from the pictures? Well this was interesting... --- NICE USE OF LANGUAGE

He felt a rising tide of excitement in his chest. --- ARE U SURE IT WAS A RISE IN HIS CHEST?? *LAUGHS*

Rodax smirked. How quickly the winds of favor changed. --- SOUNDS STUPID

Baalith smirked with a sniff. --- ? WHAT? YOU CAN SMIRK AND SNIFF AT THE SAME TIME!?!??! NO!

Rodax frowned. Another thing that got under his skin was how Baalith called him Mercenary. --- WHY? ISN'T THAT WHAT HE IS?

“Wife, come here. Daughter, pass me the spinach. Mailman, give me the newspaper." Rodax sniffed --- NO! NO SNIFFING! --- . "Harem Girl, go faster.” --- *LAUGHS*

Baalith scowled and Rodax smiled. --- TOO DESCRIPTIVE.... OR MAYBE UNDERDESCRIPTIVE. NOT NEEDED ALL THE SAME

“Would you respect a piece of crap if it wore a crown?” Rodax asked. --- OOOO. THAT'S NOT RIGHT. . . HE'S THE EMPLOYEE, I'M SURE THE GOVERNOR COULD FIND SOMEONE ELSE

Baalith began speaking distractedly --- HE SAID, SOUNDING DISTRACTED ---.

“In that case,” Rodax paused. “You have more trouble than I thought. A mole in the embassy isn’t doing anyone any good.” --- I BEG TO DIFFER. THE MOLE IS DOING A HELL OF A LOT OF GOOD FOR THE OTHER SIDE

“Tell me about it. --- AFTER ALL OF THE REST OF HIS SPEAKING, THIS SENTENCE DOESN'T FIT IN --- After finding this note I informed my staff. Apparently, my chief aide seemed to think it was more dire than did I. And here you are.”
It seems pretty dire to me, but whatever --- AGAIN TOO NONCHALANT.

"I can’t tell exactly who did send it. --- HE'S ALREADY SAID THIS - WHY IS HE SAYING IT AGAIN?

Rodax rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips. “Did you wipe with it?” *LAUGHS*

“Very droll." Baalith turned his seat around. "I threw it away. It’s been incinerated WITH ALL THE OTHER RUBBISH I HAD LYING AROUND.”

Rodax spun about and threw his hands in the air. “That was real smart. If it was a note on your head, would you have chucked --- IT --- in a trashcan?”

Baalith shook his head again. “See, I didn’t consider it a real threat. My daughter has accumulated a great deal of personal enemies amongst other youths in her school as well as here. I just expected it to be a note aimed for her, see? --- YOU'VE SAID "SEE" TWICE --- When, days later, a bus was bombed and later an air-transport --- VEHICLE ---, I had to --- READDRESS --- the issue. A few days ago, I mentioned my problem to my associates and one of my aides contacted you. --- AND --- here you are.”

[[[[[[“So you want me to find out who’s up to it and go kill all the people at ‘Rayton Liberation Central’?” Baalith shook his head, eyes rolled again, implying with every syllable that Rodax was a fool. “You really don’t understand politics.” Not waiting for Rodax to come up with a snappy comeback, he continued. “If they all show up, dead, it will only portray them as martyrs. Only more people will rally to their cause and that is precisely what they want.”]]]]]] --- YOU SHOULD PUT THIS WHERE HE ASKED THE SAME QUESTION THE FIRST TIME. A PROPER MERCENARY WOULDN'T ASK THE SAME QUESTION TWICE, BUT ASK FURTHER QUESTIONS RELATING TO IT

"What I really need is for her to be protected until the terrorists leave a hole in their cover through which my people can leap.” --- THEN WHY CAN'T HE JUST HIRE SOME PROPER BODYGUARDS?

Rodax clapped his hands together. “And that’s why I’m here. So what does your daughter think of her life being threatened?” --- RODAX IS STARTING TO REMIND ME OF CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. . . .

A sliver of unease crept across Baalith‘s face so quickly it was almost imperceivable. --- NICE LANGUAGE!!!!

“What?” Rodax --- COULDN'T --- believe his ears. “Why not?” he fumed. --- "HE FUMED" PART IS UNNECSASARY



This story is getting really good. If this was on the shelves, I'd buy it (but not if it were over $25!)

So - off to read Part3!

jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  





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Wed Jan 23, 2008 2:41 pm
Myth says...



Hello!

This is going really well. I especially like the character interactions, they seem so natural rather than forced. Though it does seem strange that they have no security cameras, which does have its disadvantages.

One thing I keep forgetting about: I think Baalith should call him by his surname if not his first, he seems quite rude calling him mercenary—a word that should make him nervous from all the things that have been happening recently, for all we know a mercenary could be after his daughter.

Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  








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