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The Experiment (Chapter 1)



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Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:58 pm
Extraterrestial says...



The Experiments

Chapter 1


Red Lights

The sun shone down upon the silent street. Bishallt Avenue. Fluffy white clouds hung in the clear blue sky. The tall lush green trees, swayed in the gentle breeze. Next came the familiar sound of the ice-cream van seeping through the shabby windows. Followed by the screaming children as they thundered towards the van, waving their precious pound notes. The ice-cream man snatched there notes, as he handed them there creams. Which were already melting, in the sun’s gaze. I watched in boredom, as the van sped off around the corner. This was everyday life, this was my life. Day and night I stare out of this window, wishing that something exciting would happen. Something from another world. But these were just dreams and deep down I know that the existence of monsters and other E.T things is a load of rubbish. I glance back out the window, and after a few minutes a yellow oblong whizzed around the corner and stopped at the local bus stop. It was the school bus.

Science was my strongest and favourite subject, but what was better was that it was astronomy. It seemed odd that I was the only one out of the whole class who was actually paying attention, to the interesting facts that blurted out of Mr Holmes’s mouth. You would think that most thirteen and fourteen year olds would like the thought of alien planets and creatures, but I was wrong. I used to get stick for the fact that I loved science; they made it a habit to shout names at me in the school corridors or at lunch. Names like ‘E.T’ and ‘Terrestrial boy.’ Although this was just petty name calling, it got annoying after awhile, and one day I just lost it- I grabbed a Bunsen burner and just lashed out with it, catching someone in the face. It resulted in severe punishment, but worst of all it earned me a new title-‘Freak.’ Ever since then, all of the other kids stayed clear of me. But although this suited to my likening, it had its downside. I soon became lonely, and the other kids made it they duty to make my life hell, In and out of school. I noticed that I had been day dreaming, feeling sorry for myself. I glanced up, and found Mr Holmes’s deep eyes eying me up suspiciously.

“Day dreaming were we, Jack” asked Mr Holmes.

“No, I was just…”

I was cut off by the screeching of the school bell. It was the end of the day; at last I could go home and be earshot of these stupid retards. I began to smile as I walked out of the classroom, some might say I was saved by the bell, but the happy thought suddenly vanished, as a felt a hard push into my back. I stared in horror as I lost my balance and toppled over the top step of the metal staircase.

My eyes flickered open and studied the surroundings, men and women in green coats rushing about pushing trolleys. I thought I was on some alien planet being used as an experiment but I soon discovered that the men and women were Nurses treating the ill. I began to sit up, but a rush of searing pain stopped me and forced me back down. My head felt numb and heavy. I resulted to turning onto my side but the pain was even worse, it was unbearable. My ribs felt that they were broken, and as I come to think of it, I think they are actually broken. I cry for the nurse, my pain in my ribs becoming worse by the second. I cry again, and this time I notice someone in green with long blonde hair rushing over to my aid. I had loads of unanswered questions I would have liked to have asked her but the pain was just terrible, and all I could muster up was a faint and thankful smile. She was like an angel with her long blond hair shining in the light, and her elegant hands healing the pain. But she wasn’t healing-that was just my imagination going astray. She handed me a glass of what looked like water, but I hardly doubted that it was. But although not knowing what I was drinking, I downed it in one. The taste hit me hard; it was the vilest thing I have ever tasted, and I reckon that no living thing should have to go through the horror of tasting this-especially twice. However, the Nurse obviously knew it was foul as she quickly handed me I glass of pure water. I swallowed it quickly, and started violently coughing. The Nurse carefully heaved me up and patted my back, I also realised that my back seemed to have been damaged in the fall, but it was no match to the pain that ran through my ribs. The vile liquid hadn’t cured the pain, but it had helped in easing it. The Nurse smiled, and walked away, but as she did I caught a glimpse of her name tag-it read Alice. My head fell back and sunk into the soft hospital pillows. My eyes closed, and that was it.

I woke with a start, ill patients dashed about the cramped Hospital screaming and crying in terror. I wondered what was wrong, I looked about-there was no sign of Grace or any of the other Nurses. I began to worry; I sat up expecting some sort of pain. But there wasn’t the pain in my ribs and back had vanished. This shocked me but I was in no position to complain-because I felt great. I walked over to the window; I jumped back as my eyes were hit by a beam of dazzling red light…

___________________________________________

In a place like this, death is only the begining.
Last edited by Extraterrestial on Tue Jan 08, 2008 5:19 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Sat Jan 05, 2008 5:13 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



The sun shone down, upon the silent street.


Delete the comma between 'down' and upon'.

Fluffy white clouds, hung in the clear blue sky. The tall lush green trees, swayed in the gentle breeze.


Delete the commas between 'clouds' and 'hung', and between 'trees' and 'swayed.'

Next came the noticeable sound of the ice-cream van seeping through the second-hand windows.


Another choice of words, like 'distinctive' or 'familiar', might work better than 'noticeable'. And I'm not quite sure what you mean by second-hand windows... Perhaps 'shabby' or 'dirty' might be a better term.

Followed by the screaming children as they thundered towards the van, waving there precious pound notes. The ice-cream man snatched there notes, as he handed them there creams. Which were already melting, in the sun’s gaze.


Who/What was followed by the screaming children? "The van was followed..." Also, you seem to be confused by the difference between 'there' and 'their.'

'There is an airplane.'

'Their tickets were no good.'

See the difference?

I watched in dismal, as the van sped off around the corner.


Dismal what? Dismal is an adjective, not a noun.

existence of monsters and other E.T things is a lode of rubbish.


'lode' = 'load'

It was the School bus.


'School bus' is not a proper noun. It can be left uncapitalized.

‘E.T and Terrestrial boy.’


You might want to seperate the two names with quotations marks. = 'E.T.' and 'Terrestrial Boy.'

Nice ending. Still think that aliens aren't real? ;)

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:32 am
SimonCowellLuver says...



Not bad but can use some work. I agree with GryphonFledgling on this one. Fix the grammar errors and you will be ok b ut some other problems are nawkwardness of the sentence.
3 facts: 1.You can't lick your elbow
2. you just tried it
3. I caught you cause i saw you
  








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