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Planet Hell Pt.2



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Tue Jan 08, 2008 2:06 am
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ridersofdamar says...



This is part two, sorry it took so long. i hope it lives up to the first... Enjoy


Tristan was aware of blood seeping through the interior of his boot. He grunted and looked at Gavin. “We need to stop. Now.”

Gavin turned his head to look at Tristan. He had a slight frown on his face, “What if there are more pirates around?”

Tristan nodded, recognizing the concern, “Yes, it is possible that there are more, but I don’t think so, and I just got shot in the foot, not to mention being your senior officer, so we stop”. He looked back at Gavin with an eyebrow raised, as if inviting him to argue. When no words came forth Tristan dropped onto a rock and gingerly took off his boot.

The sight filled him with relief. His foot was intact with minimal damage; the bullet had only grazed the side. He took out a cotton pad from his bag and pressed it onto the wound. With another grunt he began basic first aid for puncture wounds. He fell onto his back and brought his foot up above the level of his head to stop blood flow. Tristan applied another pad when the first was too wet with blood to be of any more use. Within minutes the blood had stopped flowing.

Tristan looked at Gavin. “Help me up.”

Gavin moved over to Tristan and grabbed him beneath both arms, hoisting him up onto the rock.

Tristan rummaged around and took out a small shot from his bag. He pulled a small plastic cover off a needle and poked himself in the foot near the bullet wound. Other than a wince he showed no sighn of any pain whatsoever.

“What’s that?"

“God's present to man: painkiller”. Tristan replied with a chuckle and then a grunt as the medicine numbed his foot.

Tristan applied a bandage and pulled his boot back on. He stood up slowly then hopped from foot to foot, wincing slightly. With a satisfied nod he turned and motioned for Gavin to head down the road, Tristan followed, a slight limp showing in his step.

********************

It hurt. It felt like fire was crawling around on his foot slowly eating its way up his leg. Pain medicine might be a gift from the gods, but no medicine on earth could make a wound absolutely painless, especially when it was being stressed.

“You don’t talk much do you?” Gavin asked.

Tristan thought for a second then replied, “A man named Tolkien once wrote something along the lines of ‘it takes a long time to say what you mean so we don’t say anything unless it is really worth saying.”

Gavin looked thoughtful for a moment then, “But Tolkien wrote fantasy, and he was talking from the perspective of the Ents at the time… I have trouble seeing how that would apply to the now.”

“You say he wrote fantasy?” Tristan asked, “at that time fantasy was a language with face creatures and charachters, magic was normally involved too. If you think about it though, would the world that we are in now not be classified as fantasy? So, he may have been talking through a fictional creatures perspective, but we are also fictional characters to those who came before us and who are yet to come.

Gavin laughed, “My god he’s an academic!”

They walked onto a large open plain with the steep hills of the mountains walling them in. Snow was falling in gentle waves from pearly white skies. Tristan stopped, a puzzled look on his face.

“I never would have thought that-“Gavin started to say.

“Shut up”. Tristan interrupted.

“What?.”

“Listen."

“No… there's noth-", Gavin started to say. Then he heard a rumbling noise, like a drill boring through hard rock. "Wait, I hear a humm... but, its coming from the ground!"

“Wyrms!” Tristan whispered, “Make your way up to the hills- the ground is more solid, they won’t be able to get at you there.”

When Gavin didn’t move Tristan pushed him in the direction of the hills, “I’ll make a distraction, go!”

Gavin turned and sprinted off towards the mountains. Tristan slipped a grenade off his belt and pulled the pin. He waited three seconds then threw the grenade in the opposite direction Gavin had gone. As soon as the grenade hit the snow a crack split the silence and filled tristan's ears with a dull hum. Fire spurted from the ground and snow melted in a twenty foot radius around the grenade. He pulled another two grenades from his pouch and placed them on the ground. He jiggled the pins around but left them in a little.

A sharp screech to his left brought his attention back from the grenades. A thick worm like thing leapt out of the snow and then slammed back onto the ground when the prey it had sought disappeared. Tristan picked his rifle up and emptied a clip into the Wyrm. Green blood flowed through the snow dying it the color of some kid’s apple ice-cream.

Tristan dropped the clip out of the gun and ran, following Gavins footprints. He stopped and inserted a new magazine into the holder, turning he fired three shots into the snow near where the grenades lay. Seconds later a giant Wyrm leaped out of the snow and swallowed one of the grenades.

“Boom.” Tristan whispered with a childish grin on his face.

The body of the Wyrm ripped open, sending blood flying into the air. Fire scorched the earth and turned the Wyrm black. Tristan headed towards the first body, his rifle up at his shoulder. He slowly brought his rifle back down when he was sure it was dead. He took another step towards the body and then a hammer slammed him in the middle of the back.

He landed on the ground, a sharp pain rising in his back. He rolled over to see a monstrosity coming towards him. Its body resembled that of a shark except there were two hard fins that helped to push the Wyrm along in the snow. Its head had a spike that was used to dig tunnels through the ice so that it could surprise its prey, as well as to sense vibrations in the ground. Tristan saw a small black ball lying close to the Wyrm. The grenade! Tristan thought.

The monster opened its mouth as it came towards Tristan revealing layers and layers of sharp, razor like teeth. Tristan rolled to the side as the Wyrm lunged, all the while keeping his eye on the grenade. The beast lunged again but Tristan brought his knife up into its soft underbelly. The beast screamed in rage and twisted, beating Tristan with its tail. He heaved and pushed the thing off of him. He rolled and tried to stand up, but his injured foot slipped, sending him sprawling in the green snow.

As he landed he rolled over and grabbed the grenade, now only a few feet away. Reflexively he pulled the pin and threw the grenade. He scrambled away on all fours. Before he had covered ten feet a sound unlike any other clawed at his eardrums and flame licked at his back and the explosion sent him sprawling. His head slammed into a chunk of ice and he was swallowed in darkness.

******************

The adrenaline of the fight had dulled the pain in his foot, but now the pain was unbearable. He gasped and opened his eyes. He was in a small room with white walls and a door to his right. He was lying on a small cot like one might find in a hospital. He tried to sit up but fell back down panting. When he was about to try again the door opened and a woman wearing a white dress stepped in. A red cross was stitched onto the center of the dress.

“I wouldn’t try to sit if I were you”. the Nurse said.

“Where am I?”

A rough voice to his left spoke up, “Home.”

“Hey, Sarge… what the hell happened?”

“You tried to play the stinkin’ hero, and nearly got killed for it you fool! Do you know what a grenade does to a person inside the blast radius?” the Sarge said angrily, “But follow the nurses advice and conserve yur’ strength, we don’t need any more problems right now.”

“Shit... Is Gavin ok? What problems?” Tristan asked in confusion.

"The Private's fine", the Sargent said dismissively, "No, there were more of those pirate scum. And even more 'onderfull is the fact that we 'ave some bull shit, what was it?" he paused, " Oh yea, 'Prince among Pirates." he said mockingly. "Anywhay the trash has a hearing tomorrow, but I have no doubt what the 'erdict will be. Everyone in their 'ight mind would clam to be an 'effin Prince rather than to die."
Last edited by ridersofdamar on Fri Jan 11, 2008 2:41 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Tue Jan 08, 2008 6:51 pm
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Dark Maiden says...



Wow! I loved it and am waiting earnestly to see what happens next... keep up the good work!
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." ~Ronald Reagon
  





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Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:05 pm
Eva 040 says...



this is a very promising story, quite complicated and confusing at times but most of the best are =]
Looking forward to part 3 ^.^
XxXxX
  





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Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:27 pm
ridersofdamar says...



wow, i didnt think it would be this popular, anywhay the third is coming out soon, thanks for the positive feedback!
  





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Tue Jan 08, 2008 10:16 pm
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Billy says...



Can't wait to see what happens next.

and I just got shot in the foot not to mention being you’re senior officer, so we stop


You should have a comma after the word 'foot', and 'you're' should just be 'your'.

Tristan followed a slight limp showing in his step.


You need a comma after 'followed'.

“Gavin laughed, “my god he’s an academic!”


Get rid of the quotation marks at the start, and 'my' should have a capital.

“Make your way up to the hills the ground is more solid,


You need something separating this after 'hills', I'm not sure if it should be a comma or a dash though.

Tristan Slipped a grenade off his belt


'Slipped' should just be 'slipped'.

when the pray it had sought disappeared.


'Pray' should be 'prey' here.

“You tried to play the stinkin’ hero, and nearly got killed for it you fool?!


Take out the question mark here.

“What do you mean? Is Gavin ok”


You need a question mark at the end.

but that all a load of bull.


Should be 'that's'

Good work though, I'm enjoying this story.

-Billy
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. - Yossarian, Catch-22

Wide-eyed stupid.

If you're gonna rule the world, you've gotta get up early! - Joel S. Dickens
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:14 pm
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seeminglymeaningless says...



Hey - thanks for the PM - I truly haven't been on in a while :)

Ok - let's get started ^^

--------------------------------------------

Tristan was aware of blood seeping through the interior of his boot. He grunted and looked at Gavin. “We need to stop-now.” ------------- Hmm, maybe, "We need to stop. Now." is the effect you're looking for? -----------------

Gavin turned his head to look at Tristan. He had a slight frown on his face, “what <----------- Don't forget capitalization ---------- if there are more pirates around?”

Tristan nodded, recognizing the concern, “Yes <----- should be a comma after the "yes" ------------ it is possible that there are more <------- comma -------- but I don’t think so, and I just got shot in the foot, not to mention being your senior officer, so we stop”. <------ full stop goes inside the ""s Also, they don't sound like they're actually speaking to each other. The language is too formal, break the sentences up and use some relaxed normal words --------------- He looked back at Gavin with an eyebrow raised, as if inviting him to argue. When no words came forth Tristan dropped onto a rock and gingerly took off his boot.

The sight filled him with relief. His foot was intact with minimal damage; the bullet had only grazed his foot <---------- you've mentioned "foot" twice, omit one --------. He took out a cotton pad ------------------ from where, I dare say? From under the rock? From out of his mouth? :) ----------------- and pressed it onto the wound. With another grunt he began basic first aid for puncture wounds. He fell onto his back and brought his foot up above the level of his head to stop blood flow. Once the cloth was full of blood Tristan applied another to the wound -------------- awkward sentence, maybe rewrite it --------------. Within minutes the blood had stopped ---------- "blood had stopped seeping", we need more descriptive words, honey :) -----------------.

Tristan tried to pull himself back up without letting pressure off the wound, but he fell back into the snow <------ hmm - that doesn't really sound like what a solider would do. It sounds like what an injured child would do -------------.

“Help me up” <--------------- Don't forget fullstops ---------

Gavin moved over to Tristan and grabbed him beneath both arms, hoisting him up onto the rock.

Tristan pulled out a small shot from his bag. He pulled a small plastic cover off a needle and poked himself in the foot near the bullet wound. ------------ Does he feel no pain? ----------

“What’s that?” Gavin asked. <--------- You don't really need the "Gavin asked" bit, we can follow that Tristan wouldn't have asked himself what he just injected himself with ------------

“Gods present to man: painkiller” Tristan replied with a chuckle and ------ "and then a grunt" ---------- a grunt as the medicine took effect.

Tristan applied a bandage and pulled his boot back on. He stood up slowly then hopped from foot to foot, wincing slightly --------- you've used two words with "ly" in the same sentence. Read it out loud yourself, you'll find that it sounds a bit silly :) ------------. With a satisfied nod he turned and motioned for Gavin to head down the road, Tristan followed, a slight limp showing in his step.

********************

It hurt. It felt like fire was crawling around on his foot slowly eating his foot <-------- used "foot" twice ---------- and leg. Pain medicine might be a gift from the gods, but no medicine on earth could make a wound absolutely painless, especially when it was being stressed.

“You don’t talk much do you?” Gavin asked

Tristan thought for a second then replied, “A man named Tolkien once wrote something along the lines of ‘it takes a long time to say what you mean so we don’t say anything unless it is really worth saying.” -------------- Very nice *claps* ---------------

Gavin looked thoughtful for a moment then, “ --------- capitals ^^ ---------- but Tolkien wrote fantasy, and he was talking from the perspective of the Ents at the time… I have trouble seeing how that would apply to the now.”

“You say he wrote fantasy?” Tristan asked, “Well when the books were written the situation that we are in would also have been considered fantasy, but to us it is normal, so it all depends on the view that one looks at things.” <---------------- that is a bit of a confusing sentence. Restructure it a bit -----------------

Gavin laughed, “My god he’s an academic!”

They walked onto a large open plain with the steep walls of the mountains walling ---------- you used "wall" twice, once in "walls" and then in "walling" ------------- them in Tristan stopped and looked around. There was a frown on his face. <-------- He really does seem to do a lot of frowning. Maybe use a synonym ------------

“I never would have thought that-“Gavin started to say <---- full stop ----------

“Shut up” Tristan interrupted <------------ full stop after "shut up" and "interrupted" --------

“What?” Gavin <--------- ^^ I think you missed something here :) ---------------

“Do you hear that?”

“No…” he paused and listened and the longer he listened the more he heard there was a rumbling noise, like a drill burrowing through rock, only there were three simultaneous hums.” Yes I do hear something- like a hum” ----------------- Sorry, but that was very badly described. Break it up into at least two different sentences and reword it. Also, Gavin could just say, "Sounds like a hum." or, "Yeah, a humming noise." Normal people don't say, "Why yes, I do rather hear something - like a hum, is it?" I'm just suggesting that you make them talk like human beings :) --------------------

“Wyrms!” Tristan whispered, “Make your way up to the hills- the ground is more solid, they won’t be able to get at you there.”

When Gavin didn’t move Tristan pushed him in the direction of the hills, “I’ll make a distraction, Go!!” <----------- Go doesn't need capitalization, and only one exclamation mark will do :) ---------------

With that <---------- "with that" is not needed --------- Gavin turned and sprinted off towards the mountains. Tristan slipped a grenade off his belt and pulled the pin. He waited three seconds then threw the grenade in the opposite direction Gavin had gone. As soon as the grenade hit the ground fire spurted from the ground --------- you've used the word "ground" twice ---------- and snow melt in a twenty foot radius around the grenade. ----------- was there any noise? -------------- He pulled another two grenades from his pouch and placed them on the ground. He jiggled the pins around a little but left them in a little.

A sharp screech to his left brought his attention back from the grenades. A thick worm like thing jumped ---------- jumped? leaped maybe ---------- out of the snow and then slammed back onto the ground when the prey it had sought disappeared. Tristan picked his rifle up and emptied a clip into the Wyrm. Green blood flowed through the snow dying it the color of some kid’s apple ice-cream.

Tristan dropped the clip out of the gun and the sprinted as lightly ---------- why is he sprinting lightly? ---------------- as he could the way Gavin had gone. As he inserted a new magazine into the holder he turned and fired three shots into the snow near where the grenades lay. Seconds later a giant Wyrm leapt ----------leaped ---------- out of the snow and swallowed one of the grenades.

“Boom” <----------- full stop ----------- Tristan whispered with a childish grin on his face.

As soon as he finished <--------- all that isn't needed. Sentence should start with "The body of .. . " --------------- the body of the Wyrm ripped open, sending blood flying into the air. Fire scorched the earth and turned the Wyrm black. Tristan headed towards the first body, his rifle up at his shoulder. He slowly brought his rifle back down when he was sure it was dead. He took another step towards the body and then a hammer slammed him in the middle of the back.

He landed on the ground ------------ no pain? ----------- and turned to see a monstrosity coming towards him. Its body resembled that of a shark except there were two hard fins that helped to push the Wyrm along in the snow. Its head had a spike that was used to dig tunnels through the ice so that it could surprise its prey.

The monster opened its mouth as it came towards Tristan revealing layers and layers of sharp, razor like teeth. Tristan rolled to the side as the Wyrm lunged. When it lunged again he brought a knife up into its soft underbelly. The beast screamed in rage and twisted, beating Tristan with its tail. He heaved and pushed the thing off of him. He rolled and tried to regain his footing, but he was tripped back into the snow ---------- maybe "his injured foot couldn't get a hold, and he slipped back into the cold, slightly green snow" ----------.

As he came down his hand landed on the grenade, knocking the pin loose <------------ that's a bit too lucky, honey. I think maybe throughout the fight you'll have to mention Tristan keeping an eye on the other grenades or something, because I would've thought, with all the thrashing and carrying on, the grenade would've been lost in the snow ------------- . Reflexively he grabbed the grenade and plunged it into the wound created by his knife. He kicked the beast one last time in the face the scrambled away on all fours. Before he had covered ten feet flame licked at his back and the explosion sent him sprawling. His head slammed into a chunk of ice and he was swallowed in darkness. <----------------- Very good --------------

(here there should be * * * to indicate a break in the story)

The adrenaline of the fight had dulled the pain in his foot, but now the pain was unbearable. He gasped and opened his eyes. He was in a small room with white walls and a door to his right. He was on ----- instead, have, "He lay on" ------ a small cot like one might find in a hospital. He tried to sit up but fell back down panting. When he was about to try again -------- "when"---------- the door opened and a woman wearing a white dress stepped in. A red cross was stitched onto the center of the dress.

“I wouldn’t try to sit if I were you” the Nurse said. <---- don't forget the fullstops---------

“Where am I?”

A rough voice to his left spoke up, “Home.”

“Hey, Sarge… what happened?”

“You tried to play the stinkin’ hero, and nearly got killed for it you fool! Do you know what a grenade does to a person inside the blast radius?” the Sarge said angrily, “But for now conserve yur’ strength, we don’t need any more problems right now.” <---------- you said now twice --------------

“What do you mean is Gavin ok?” <---------- not structured properly, try, "Problems? Shit - isn't Gavin okay?" see? does that sound more realistic? ------------- Tristan asked in confusion.

“No he is fine, but we got a prisoner. He claims he is a prince among pirates but that's all a load of bull. There’s a hearin’ tomorrow, and if you feel well enough you might be able to attend.”----------------- *smiles* I couldn't resist rewriting this the way I thought it should be: The Sargent waved a dismissive hand, "The boy's fine. The problem is that you didn't kill all of those mangy pirates, Soldier. The survivor's claiming that he's the prince amongst the pirates - but we all know that's a crock of bullshit. A body would do anything, say anything as opposed to dying." Sarge sighed and continued, "There's a hearing tomorrow - you'll be there bright and early, seeing as it was you who unearthed these blasted pirates."

-------------------------

Very nice!

Your action scenes are really well thought out and believable :)

You need to work on capitalization, comma and full stop usage, and just some more descriptive language.

Excellent read, and I hope to read part 3 soon - also, you should probably include a link to the previous chapter and the next chapter every single time you write a new one so people can follow the story easier :)

Keep on writing, RidersOfDamar - for a 14 year old, you are doing well beyond what anyone could hope for or expect ^^

Cheers!

- jai -
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:52 pm
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ridersofdamar says...



thanks for the help, just one itsy bitsy problem... whats a fullstop?
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:59 pm
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Billy says...



A full stop is a period.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. - Yossarian, Catch-22

Wide-eyed stupid.

If you're gonna rule the world, you've gotta get up early! - Joel S. Dickens
  





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Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:44 am
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ridersofdamar says...



oh... right :P
Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
  





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Fri Jan 11, 2008 2:14 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



*laughs* It's great to see people actually taking into consideration all my suggestions!

*scratches head* Yeah - in Australia we call periods fullstops - my bad.

Okay - here's my intake of your second draft ^^ (do tell me to stop if I'm driving you insane)

--------------------

Tristan was aware of blood seeping through the interior of his boot. He grunted and looked at Gavin. “We need to stop. Now.”

Gavin turned his head to look at Tristan. He had a slight frown on his face, “What if there are more pirates around?”

Tristan nodded, recognizing the concern, “Yes, it is possible that there are more, but I don’t think so, and I just got shot in the foot, not to mention being your senior officer, so we stop”. <------------ tsk tsk tsk --------------- He looked back at Gavin with an eyebrow raised, as if inviting him to argue. When no words came forth Tristan dropped onto a rock and gingerly took off his boot.

The sight filled him with relief. His foot was intact with minimal damage; the bullet had only grazed his foot <------ the word foot is still used twice :) ----------. He took out a cotton pad from his bag and pressed it onto the wound. With another grunt he began basic first aid for puncture wounds. He fell onto his back and brought his foot up above the level of his head to stop blood flow. Tristan applied another pad when the first was too wet with blood to be of any more use <---------- That's WAY better! *claps* -----------. Within minutes the blood had stopped ---- you need a space here ------- flowing.

Tristan looked at Gavin. “Help me up.”

Gavin moved over to Tristan and grabbed him beneath both arms, hoisting him up onto the rock.

Tristan rummaged around and took out a small shot from his bag. He pulled a small plastic cover off a needle and poked himself in the foot near the bullet wound. Other than a wince he showed no sighn <----- "sign"---------- of anything happening <-------- "he showed no sign of any pain whatsoever" -----------------.

“What’s that?"

“Gods <-------- "God's" ----------- present to man: painkiller ----- period (see? I can learn too =P) -------” Tristan replied with a chuckle and then a grunt as the medicine took effect ------- took effect how? Did it make him drowsy? Did it make him woozy? ------------.

Tristan applied a bandage and pulled his boot back on. He stood up slowly then hopped from foot to foot, wincing slightly. With a satisfied nod he turned and motioned for Gavin to head down the road, Tristan followed, a slight limp showing in his step.

********************

It hurt. It felt like fire was crawling around on his foot slowly eating its way up his leg. Pain medicine might be a gift from the gods, but no medicine on earth could make a wound absolutely painless, especially when it was being stressed.

“You don’t talk much do you?” Gavin asked <----- period ----------

Tristan thought for a second then replied, “A man named Tolkien once wrote something along the lines of ‘it takes a long time to say what you mean so we don’t say anything unless it is really worth saying.”

Gavin looked thoughtful for a moment then, “But Tolkien wrote fantasy, and he was talking from the perspective of the Ents at the time… I have trouble seeing how that would apply to the now.”

“You say he wrote fantasy?” Tristan asked, “at that time fantasy was a language with face creatures and charachters <------ characters ----------, magic was normally involved too. If you think about it though, would the world that we are in now not be classified as fantasy? so <----- capitals ---------, he may have been talking through a fictional creatures perspective, but we are also fictional caracters <-------- characters ---------- to those who ccame <----- came ------- before us.-----" and maybe you can add, "to those that came before us. . . and to those who are yet to be born." BTW that is MUCH better written and I know where you're coming from now :) -----------------

Gavin laughed, “My god --------- now, I'm not quite sure here, but is "god" meant to be capitalized? ------------ he’s an academic!”

They walked onto a large open plain with the steep hills of the mountains walling them in ----------- *claps* --------------. Snow was falling in gentle waves from pearly white skies. Tristan stopped, a puzzled look on his face.

“I never would have thought that-“Gavin started to say.

“Shut up” <------ period --------- Tristan interrupted.

“What?” Gavin. <----------- You've missed something here. Or just omit the "Gavin" -------

“Listen."

“No… there's noth-", Gavin started to say -------- this is the second time you've ha "started to say" in too small a distance ----------------. Then he heard a rumbling noise, like a drill boring through hard rock. "Wait, I hear a rumbling noise ----------- "rumbling noise" is used twice --------------... but, its coming from the ground!"

“Wyrms!” Tristan whispered, “Make your way up to the hills- the ground is more solid, they won’t be able to get at you there.”

When Gavin didn’t move Tristan pushed him in the direction of the hills, “I’ll make a distraction, go!”

Gavin turned and sprinted off towards the mountains. Tristan slipped a grenade off his belt and pulled the pin. He waited three seconds then threw the grenade in the opposite direction Gavin had gone. As soon as the grenade hit the snow a crack split the silence and filled tristans <----------- Tristan's ---------- ears with a dull hum. Fire spurted from the ground and snow melt <--------- melted ---------- in a twenty foot radius around the grenade. He pulled another two grenades from his pouch and placed them on the ground. He jiggled the pins around but left them in a little.

A sharp screech to his left brought his attention back from the grenades. A thick worm like thing leapt <--------- leaped ----------- out of the snow and then slammed back onto the ground when the prey it had sought disappeared. Tristan picked his rifle up and emptied a clip into the Wyrm. Green blood flowed through the snow dying it the color of some kid’s apple ice-cream.

Tristan dropped the clip out of the gun and ran, following Gavins <----------- Gavin's ------------- footprints. He stopped and inserted a new magazine into the holder, turning he fired three shots into the snow near where the grenades lay. Seconds later a giant Wyrm leaped out of the snow and swallowed one of the grenades.

“Boom.” Tristan whispered with a childish grin on his face.

The body of the Wyrm ripped open, sending blood flying into the air. Fire scorched the earth and turned the Wyrm black. Tristan headed towards the first body, his rifle up at his shoulder. He slowly brought his rifle back down when he was sure it was dead. He took another step towards the body and then a hammer slammed him in the middle of the back.

He landed on the ground, a sharp pain in the middle of his back -------- you've used "middle of his back" twice --------------.He rolled overto <-------- over to ------- see a monstrosity coming towards him. Its body resembled that of a shark except there were two hard fins that helped to push the Wyrm along in the snow. Its head had a spike that was used to dig tunnels through the ice so that it could surprise its prey, as well as to sense vibrations in the ground <------ *claps* ----------. Tristan saw a small black ball lying close to the Wyrm. The grnade -------- grenade -------! Tristan thought.

The monster opened its mouth as it came towards Tristan revealing layers and layers of sharp, razor like teeth. Tristan rolled to the side as the Wyrm lunged, all the while keeping his eye on the grenade. The beast lunged again but Tristan brought his knife up into its soft underbelly. The beast screamed in rage and twisted, beating Tristan with its tail. He heaved and pushed the thing off of him. He rolled and tried to stand up, but his injured fut ---------- foot --------- slipped, sending him sprawling in teh --------- the ---------- green snow.

As he landed he rolled over and grabbed the grenade, now only a few feet away. Reflexively he pulled the pin and threw the grenade. He scrambled away on all fours. Before he had covered ten <-------- ^^ ten what? ------------- a sound unlike any other clawed at his eardrums and feet <-------- *teehee* there's where the rest of my 10 feet went ---------- flame licked at his back and the explosion sent him sprawling. His head slammed into a chunk of ice and he was swallowed in darkness.

******************

The adrenaline of the fight had dulled the pain in his foot, but now the pain was unbearable. He gasped and opened his eyes. He was in a small room with white walls and a door to his right. He was lying on a small cot like one might find in a hospital. He tried to sit up but fell back down panting. When he was about to try again the door opened and a woman wearing a white dress stepped in. A red cross was stitched onto the center of the dress.

“I wouldn’t try to sit if I were you” <--------- period -------- the Nurse said.

“Where am I?”

A rough voice to his left spoke up, “Home.”

“Hey, Sarge… what the hell happened?”

“You tried to play the stinkin’ hero, and nearly got killed for it you fool! Do you know what a grenade does to a person inside the blast radius?” the Sarge said angrily, “But follow the nurses advice and conserve yur’ strength, we don’t need any more problems right now.”

“Shit... Is Gavin ok? What problems?” Tristan asked in confusion.

"The Private's fine", the Sargent said dismissively, "No, there were more of those pirate scumm <------- scum -------. And even more 'onderfull is the fact that we 'ave some bull shit, what was it?" he paused, " ----- Oh -------- oh yea, 'Prince among Pirates ------- period ---------" he said mockingly. "Anywhay the trach <------- trach? --------- has a hearing tomorrow, but i <-------- I ----------- have no dout what the 'erdict will be. Everyone in their 'ight mind would clam to be an 'effin Prince rather than to die."

-------------------------

*claps*

Excellent!

I must say - have you read the Alex Rider series? So far, your story is very much so on par with them :)

Get part 3 out there!

- jai -
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  





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Fri Jan 11, 2008 2:43 am
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ridersofdamar says...



alex rider... it doesnt sound familiar, but i may have heard of one of the titles... i'll look them up.

Edit:
i looked it up and i have heard of it, the person who played Alex Rider in the movie came to my middle school. i haven't read them though, are they good?

P.S. should i try and get this published?
  








“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas