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The Tree of Life (Part One)



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Thu Feb 07, 2008 1:38 am
Kylan says...



Mikhail Vandesky stood on the bridge beside Vladamir, watching the leaden water flowing beneath him like liquid steel – swirling, heaving, breathing as it coursed against the struts of the bridge. Snow flakes fell silently into the blackness. Little descendants of the sky, disintegrating as they touched the river's surface. He watched them, his elbows propped against the bridge wall. He watched how the river enveloped the snow without pause, eating it dispassionately. Destroying it. Eradicating it. There were no second thoughts. No looking back. The river was just doing its job, after all. Something as small as a crystallized rain drop couldn’t stop it. It was a machine; a supple, flexible body of energy. What was in its way would be brushed aside, moved under, over, and through. Mikhail breathed deeply and closed his eyes.

I am the river.

“It’s true, you know,” he said suddenly to Vladimir, standing upright and turning his head. “The world is dying. Not the world itself, but the people in it. Slowly. One by one.”

Mikhail pulled a pack of cigarettes – good smokes; hand rolled and stuffed with the finest tobacco – tapped one out and slipped it between his lips. Behind him, a steady, perpetual stream of pedestrians walked passed; their voices blending into a cocktail mixture of unified static. They laughed. They talked. They cried. Good people. Good citizens. The best and the brightest and the handpicked. Hand-sculpted. They were all his. His children. Conception had occurred through a computer screen, over a stream of ones and zeros, protested by picket lines overseas and bureaucratic bastards spewing propaganda in the halls of the UN. A new race, they screamed! Vandesky is playing God!

Racist, murderer, supporter of genocide. He had been labeled many things. By hateful, vindictive people who were too blind to see he was saving them all. He wasn’t a god. He wasn’t the father of a new race. But he was a catalyst. He had just started something. The human race was weak. Dying. And he felt compelled to fix it.

Vandesky was a humanitarian.

And sometimes the lushest fields were watered with blood.
He offered a cigarette to Vladimir, who refused, and then lit up himself. He took a long drag and pulled the cigarette away from his lips, exhaling heavily. “World leaders have known it for years, Vladimir. They see their citizens. Happy people who are oblivious to there own...imperfection. They don’t realize their children are pollutants.”

“Persepective, Mikhail. It’s all perspective.”

“Sure. But it’s still misplaced. Have you heard the things they call me? I’m practically a terrorist. America and every one of their anti-progressive allies want me dead.”

Vladamir shook his head. “They can’t see past their own egalitarianist noses.’

“Right. The gene pool is a sacred place. It should be pristine.”

Silence. Mikhail took another drag on the cigarette and flicked the ashes off the side of the bridge, into the water, which swept them away like snow flakes. Sighing, he turned the cigarette over between his fingers, breathing in the virile, musty smell.

“This is the twenty-second century,” he hissed, pounding his fist on the wall surface. “Godssakes, they should all know that!”

Vladimir put his hands in his pockets and crossed his legs. “Don't worry about it, Mikhail.”

“How can I not? I'm wanted. I'm hunted. Russia can only be pressured so far, you know. We're a flea on a hot pan. Turn up the heat too much and,” he flicked the cigarette into the water and shrugged, “pop.”

“No one lives forever, friend. Listen, forget about this crap. Let's go downtown for a drink.”

Mikhail shook his head bitterly. “I don't want forever. I want the human race to live forever.”

Vladimir shrugged. “Don't tell that to me.”

His gaze lingered on Mikhail's face for a moment, searching his eyes, looking for any sign of resignation, but found none. Shrugging again, Vladimir hunched his shoulders, lowered his cap to the wind, and began walking back down the bridge. Mikhail watched him go, pushing his way through the crowd of good Russian citizens like a police officer with a riot shield. He shivered as the wind blew around him; cutting at his skin like a thousand razor blades. It was getting colder out. And blacker. He glanced down at the river, roaring beneath him, and rubbed his shoulders.

Hot gin sounded good. So did some company. Maybe he would join Vladimir after all. Get smashed, get laid, and forget. Forget about the stupid politicians and the bourgeois old guard of the world.

Things weren't so bleak inside a whorehouse.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado
  





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Thu Feb 07, 2008 2:17 am
Gwenevire says...



Hello!

watching the leaden water flowing beneath him like liquid steel – swirling, heaving, breathing as it coursed against the struts of the bridge.

Leaden water... Well it doesn't really make any sense. Heavy water? Heavy with what? Muck, sand, sea weed...etc?

He watched them, his elbows propped against the bridge wall. He watched how the river enveloped the snow without pause, eating it dispassionately.

I think you could take out the second "He watched" Like this:
He watched them, his elbows propped against the bridge wall; the river enveloped the snow without pause, eating it dispassionately.

The river was just doing its job, after all. Something as small as a crystallized rain drop couldn’t stop it. It was a machine; a supple, flexible body of energy. What was in its way would be brushed aside, moved under, over, and through.

I like this. Makhail is thinking this right? If he is its telling us a lot about how he thinks about things it good :)

I am the river.

This makes no sense... Maybe you could explain a little more?

tapped one out and slipped it between his lips.

I think there should be a comma after "out"

They laughed. They talked. They cried. Good people. Good citizens.

I would suggest putting commas instead of periods here. Like this:
They laughed, they talked, they cried. Good people, good citizens.

They were all his. His children

I would suggest trying to put more commas in your work. "His children" doesn't really make up a full sentence. So you should do this instead:
They were all his, his children

Conception had occurred through a computer screen, over a stream of ones and zeros, protested by picket lines overseas and bureaucratic bastards spewing propaganda in the halls of the UN. A new race, they screamed! Vandesky is playing God!

Is this like the Matrix or something?

This little bit is confusing, I suggest putting more detail into it. So we can get a clear image on what is going on.

Racist, murderer, supporter of genocide. He had been labeled many things.

I think a semi collin might work in here:
Racist, murderer, supporter of genocide; he had been labeled many things.

He wasn’t a god. He wasn’t the father of a new race. But he was a catalyst. He had just started something. The human race was weak. Dying. And he felt compelled to fix it.

Putting so many small sentences into your story makes is choppy and hard to read. I suggest you put some commas and semi collins. Like this:
He wasn’t a god, he wasn’t the father of a new race, but he was a catalyst. He had just started something. The human race was weak, dying, And he felt compelled to fix it.

I also noticed that you tent to start a lot of sentences with "and" or "but" Thats a no no. Either put a comma before it or take it out.

Vandesky was a humanitarian.

I am not sure why you gave this small sentence its own paragraph... I know you are trying to make a statement but maybe you could just make it his thought or something. It just looks odd like this. Also if this is a race or something you might want to capitalize the "H" on "Humanitarian"

And sometimes the lushest fields were watered with blood.

Again you started you sentence with an "and" Unless you are going to do it like this:

Vandesky was a humanitarian, and sometimes the lushest fields where watered with blood.

It still doesn't look or sound right and "lushest" isn't a word do you mean "lushes" ?

He offered a cigarette to Vladimir, who refused, and then lit up himself.

Maybe you could do this:
He offered a cigarette to Vladimir; who refused, and then lit up himself.

“Right. The gene pool is a sacred place. It should be pristine.”

This "gene pool" is a place right? Well then it should be written like this: The Gene Pool

“Godssakes, they should all know that!”

May I suggest this:
“For gods sakes, they should all know that!”

Vladimir put his hands in his pockets and crossed his legs. “Don't worry about it, Mikhail.”

Are they sitting? I can't really picture someone crossing their legs whale they are standing XD
Maybe you should make it clear if they are sitting or standing.

“How can I not? I'm wanted.

"How can I not?
Maybe you mean: How can't I?

“I don't want forever. I want the human race to live forever.”

You don't want forever but you want to human race forever? Doesn't really make sense :P
But I guess it could... You should put the "live" in italics. Like this:
“I don't want forever. I want the human race to live forever.”

“Don't tell that to me.”

It sounds wonky.
Maybe you should put:
“Don't say that to me.” or “Don't tell me that.”

It was getting colder out. And blacker.

And at the beginning of a sentence again! Like this:
It was getting colder out, and blacker.

Maybe you could come up with a more descriptive word for blacker. Like darker or something.

Hot gin sounded good. So did some company. Maybe he would join Vladimir after all. Get smashed, get laid, and forget. Forget about the stupid politicians and the bourgeois old guard of the world.

Like this:
Hot gin sounded good. So did some company, maybe he would join Vladimir after all. Get smashed, get laid, and forget, about the stupid politicians and the bourgeois old guard of the world.

Things weren't so bleak inside a whorehouse.

What is a "whorehouse"?
Maybe you could do this:
Things weren't so bleak inside a whorehouse after all.


Over all it was in interesting story. I think you could work on it more. Tell us about what your characters feel and stuff. Maybe one or two of the passer byer's could overhear them. Add some life to it. It kinda lost my attention, but I will keep reading because I want to know what happens :D

Keep going, and good work!
Genevieve
:wink:
  





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Thu Feb 07, 2008 2:57 am
Kylan says...



Thanks, Gwen. I believe I sent you a PM in response to your comments.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado
  





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Fri Feb 15, 2008 2:06 pm
JabberHut says...



Hey, Kylan! It's about time I stopped by to more of your work. I hope I don't repeat anything in Gwen's really long crit up there. :shock: Lol, forgive me if I do. However, I didn't find much, now that I know your style of writing. :wink:

Something as small as a crystallized rain drop couldn’t stop it.


I believe raindrop is one word. I could be mistaken, of course, but I'm pretty sure.

Mikhail pulled a pack of cigarettes – good smokes; hand rolled and stuffed with the finest tobacco – tapped one out and slipped it between his lips.


I thought this was a bit awkward, even for you. Mikhail pulled a pack of cigarettes, tapped one out, and slipped it between his lips--good smokes; hand-rolled and stuffed with the finest tobacco. Maybe just put what's in the dashes at the end of the sentence? I dunno, it just looked a bit funky.

Behind him, a steady, perpetual stream of pedestrians walked passed; [comma instead] their voices blending into a cocktail mixture of unified static.


Turn up the heat too much and,” he flicked the cigarette into the water and shrugged, “pop.”


You did great here. ^^ I suggest replacing the commas around the tag with dashes, though. Turn up the heat too much and--" he flicked the cigarette into the water and shrugged--"pop."

Amazingness, my friend. I love reading your work. You do so well. I was unsure about the setting, though. When he was suddenly walking across a bridge, that threw me off. Maybe you said that earlier in the story when I was still excited about reading your work. :lol:

Hope this helped. Keep writing! You're doing fantabulous!

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Sat Feb 16, 2008 4:58 am
the morrow says...



Excellent piece of writing. Flawless spelling and grammar, of course. The pacing is adept. Mikhail's handing of his cigarette is expressed well. It is almost as if the scene plays out before me as a movie as I read it. My only qualm is the opening. The personification of the environment goes too far, particularly when you say:

the river enveloped the snow without pause, eating it dispassionately. Destroying it. Eradicating it. There were no seconds thoughts. No looking.


It all seems too dramatic in comparison to the rest of the piece and therefore is inconsistent with your straightforward style.

Good story, insofar. I have a budding interest in genetics. Keep up the good work.
t h e m o r r o w
there is no gene for the human spirit

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