Young Writers Society

Gideon walked into the sanitary hospital, his shoes tapping on the bacteria free plastic tiles, leaving mud splotches on the floor. A janitor bot, hummed alive out of the corner of the room, rushing over to the mud, its nose to the floor, polishing, sucking, washing all at once; its eight legs moving along the floor in an intense scurry. It was no bigger than a soccer ball, and relatively the same shape, forcing its legs to make small drastic steps. It followed Gideon at an intense pace, leaving the floor behind him spotless. A reception-bot sat behind the reception desk in the lobby, her digital feet up on the desk, a magazine in her lap, her digital bubblegum snapping in her mouth.

"Can I help you?" she asked, her voice showing she could care less.

"Yeah, I brought a girl in here-"

"Room 3200 15 B," she said, snapping her digital gum in his face.

"Thank you," Gideon said, turning towards the elevators, all thrity-seven of them."Which eleva-"

"B! I totally already said that!" annoyed that he wasn't gone yet.

"Thanks..." he hurried away from the rude receptionist, and he pressed the button to open the door, the janitor bot still humming behind him, sucking and scrubbing away the dirt. The door opened and a bell bot waited inside, music buds in his ear sockets blaring out heavy metal.

"What floor?" he asked, almost yelling.

"15," Gideon said, stepping in the elevator, the janitor-bot close on his heels. The bell-bot extended one of his tentacle-like arms and plugged himself into the elevator; turning the dial until it clicked. The elevator lurched, moving slowly upwards. The janitor-bot hummed noisily next to him, and the bell-bots music was loud enough to fill an auditorium; Gideon was already quite annoyed of the bots in the hospital.

Oh well, tomorrow they'll be updated with newer versions. Hopefully those won't be so annoying, Gideon thought to himself.

The door opened and Gideon stepped out quickly. The janitor bot tried to follow, but in one quick motion Gideon kicked the miniature machine back into the elevator. The doors shut as it made a quick dive after Gideon. He chuckled to himself. Silence. Finally. Another janitor-bot hummed alive out of the corner of the hall. So much for silence. Gideon thought, he looked at the door nearby. Number 1. Great, Only 3199 more to go.
He groaned aloud miserably as he started to walk down the hall.

After a long walk down the lonely corridor, followed by the annoying Janitor-bot, Gideon finally reached the girls room. He knocked; the door quickly and silently slid open.The girl sat in her propped up bed facing the door. She was pale and hooked up to many machines, some checking her pulse, some pumping pain killers and sedatives into her system, some, as Gideon believed, just there for show.

"Hello, I'm Gideon," he said to the half-awake girl.

"Nice to meet you. Are you the man the nurses were telling me about?"

"I'm not sure what they've said but-"

"Are you the man who saved my life?"

"Well then, that's me. So how are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine, thanks to you. Where was I?" she asked, her memory obviously not fully recovered.

"I found you on Westminster bridge. You were in pretty bad shape."

“The nurses said I was going to die. Do you know what happened?”

“Not exactly, I just heard you screaming and rushed over to find you and a man lying wounded on the ground.”

"A man?" she repeated. Finally reality sparked in her eyes. "Daddy! Where is he? Is he okay?" She asked in a fast panicky tone. Gideon could hear her heart beating visciously, the machines recording her pulse jumping off their charts. The machine beeped as it sent out a warning signal was sent out to a nurse.

"He's uh-"

"Daddy! Where's my dad?” She yelled at Gideon. “He- is he okay? Oh no, they must've got him!" She started sobbing uncontrollably, tears running down her face. Every once in a while she would call out for her dad, but other than that, she let out nothing more than muffled moans.

"Who are they? Who got him?"

A nurse rushed in, her metal skirt clinking with every step. She turned towards Gideon, her metal nurse cap nearly falling off her bulky metal hair. Her blue electronic eyes were supposed to be sincere and nice, but Gideon could tell she wasn’t happy he was there.

"I'm sorry sir, but visiting times are over for Ada. You'll have to come back later."

"But-"

"I'm sorry sir but you have to leave. Maybe you can come back tomorrow." She pushed Gideon out the door, gently enough not to be considered violent, but harsh enough to be considered rude. The door slid shut silenty behind him. The crying was quickly subdued as the nurse increased the amount of sedatives in the girl named Ada's bloodstream.

********

Gideon marched out of the hospital, back into the dreary rain. It was slowing down, and the fog was developing on the ground. Gideon was tired and agitated, and walked back home. It was a small brick apartment on the ground floor, too small to fit anyone else, but just large enough to be cozy enough for him to live in comfortably. It was warm, his digital fireplace flickering in the background, casting a warm orange glow across the room, eerie shadows dancing along the walls. He laid down along his therapedic couch, comfortably sinking into the leather cushions.

What was Ada talking about? Who were they? Gideon didn't have a clue. Ever since the rebellion, no one bothered each other; they just sat at home, indulging themselves in their own perfect realities. Gideon had never used one; reality helmets were hard to come by, even for a looter. Gideon didn't understand it, but somehow, thousands of people in Sector 33 alone, had them, along with most of the world. Besides the few people Gideon had saved off the streets over the past few weeks, Gideon hadn't seen many people outside living normal lives, in a very long time.

Gideon sighed. oh well; it didn't make a difference to him. Gideon reached for one of his many books, and after dimming the lights began to read, desperately trying to empty his mind of all the questions he had about Ada and the people she referred to as them.

Hello Runawaythought,

First of all, you should really put spaces between each paragraph. It would help the reviewers a lot.

Let me just start off saying that I was hooked since the first paragraph. It seemed simple enough; just talking about a room and whats going on but it really captures the readers attention (or my attention at least). And that's a great thing too because I am sure if people would have started reading this (and it goes for any piece) and it was boring, they would probably not want to finish it. But You started it out smooth and interesting!

Now the fun part!!!

This sentence is kind of awkward:

"The door opened a bell bot waiting inside, music buds in his ear sockets,
blaring out heavy metal."

Maybe if you added "with" between "opened" and "a", it would sound better.



You had a lot of unique ideas (the way the robots acted, etc.).



You can take out one of the "upward"s, preferably the first (sounds best)

"The elevator lurched upward, moving slowly upwards."



"The janitor bot tried to follow, but in one quick motion kicked it back into the elevator."

Who (or what) kicked it back in the elevator?



This is hilarious. The character uses a dry, sarcastic kind of humor, and it's not corny at all (the "corny" part tends to happen when people who don't know what they are doing, like me, try to add humor to their piece).Ha ha.



"Who were them?"

Either you meant "who were they" or you should put "them" in quotation marks or italicize it at least.



"prefect" should be "perfect"



The very last sentence is missing a period and from the sentence starting with "Ever since the rebellion..." and on I was confused.



Gideon never used one what??? Whats a looter? Ha ha ha.



Anyway, other than those few mistakes I loved, loved, loved this story.Can't wait to hear the next... chapter, part, whatever.



I am just going to be here "patiently" waiting for the next story-->:smt118



Trick

*Moderator Note*

I changed your topic description again, for the same reasons that I listed before. I'll trust you to take care of any others.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Hi! I got your first chapter done today. It's just a matter of posting the crits. T_T But I have them! And here's this one!

A janitor bot, hummed alive out of the corner of the room, scurrying over to the mud, its nose to the floor, polishing, sucking, washing all at once, its eight legs moving along the floor in an intense scurry.

This is a run-on. Let's see if I can suggest a fixer-upper:

A janitor bot hummed alive from the corner of the room and scurried [?] over to the mud with its nose to the floor. It polished, vacuumed, and washed the floor all at once, following Gideon's muddy trail.

Do bots scurry? Maybe glide or another synonym is better?

A [s]reception-[/s] bot sat behind the reception desk in the lobby, her digital feet up on the desk, a magazine in her lap, her digital bubble[no space]gum snapping in her mouth.

"Can I help you?" [s]She[/s] she asked, her voice showing she could care less.

"Room 3200 15 B. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, snapping her digital gum in his face.

"Thank you. [comma instead]" Gideon said, turning towards the elevators, [dash instead] all 37 seven of them."[s]which[/s] Which eleva-"

"B! I totally already said that!" [s]She[/s] she said, [s]obviously[/s] annoyed, [no comma] that he wasn't gone yet.

"Thanks..." [s]said Gideon, hurrying to get[/s] He hurried away from the [s]very[/s] rude receptionist. [comma instead] and [s]He[/s] he pressed the button [s]opening[/s] to open the door, the janitor bot still humming behind him, sucking and scrubbing away the dirt. The door opened and a bell-bot [s]waiting[/s] waited inside, music buds in his ear sockets, [no comma] that [s]blaring[/s] blared [s]out[/s] heavy metal.

"What floor?" [s]He[/s] he asked, almost yelling.

Or ..." he nearly yelled.

"15. [comma instead]" Gideon said, stepping in the elevator, the janitor-bot close on his heels. The Bell-bot [why's it capitalized?] plugged himself into the elevator, [no comma] and [s]turning[/s] turned a dial, [no comma] until it clicked. The elevator lurched, moving slowly upwards. The janitor-bot hummed, and the bell-bot's music was loud enough to fill an auditorium, [semi instead] [s]and[/s] Gideon was [s]already[/s] quite annoyed of the bots in the hospital. Oh well, [period instead] tomorrow they'll be updated with newer versions. Hopefully those [s]ones[/s] won't be so annoying. [comma instead] Gideon thought top himself.

The door opened and Gideon stepped out quickly. The janitor bot tried to follow, but in one quick motion, Gideon kicked it back into the elevator. The doors shut as it made a quick dive after Gideon. He chuckled to himself. Silence. Finally. Another janitor-bot hummed alive out of the corner of the hall. So much for silence. [comma instead] Gideon thought, [period instead] [s]he[/s] He looked at the door nearby. Number 1. Great, he thought, [period instead] Only 3199 more to go.

Maybe he groans? Or show some sign of characterization that shows he's irritated.

After a long walk down the lonely corridor, followed by the annoying Janitor-bot, Gideon finally reached the girl's room. He knocked, [semi or period] the door quickly and silently slid open.The girl sat in her propped up bed, [no comma] facing the door. She was pale, [no comma] and hooked up to many machines, some checking her pulse, some pumping pain killers and sedatives into her system, some just there for show.

"Hello, I'm Gideon. [comma instead] " Gideon said to the half-awake girl.

"Nice to meet you, [period instead] [s]are[/s] Are you the guy the nurses were telling me about?"

"I'm feeling fine, thanks to you. Where was I?" [s]She[/s] she asked, her memory obviously not fully recovered.

"I found you on Westminster bridge, [no comma] with a man. You were in pretty bad shape."

"A man?" She asked, trying very hard to remember. "Daddy! Where is he? Is he okay?" she said quite frightened,her heart racing. A warning signal was sent out to a nurse.

"A man?" she repeated. Finally reality sparked in her eyes. "Daddy! Where is he? Is he okay?" She said all this very fast in a panicky tone. A warning signal was sent out to a nurse.

I don't understand the signal thing, but here's my suggestive replacement.

"He's, uh-"

"Daddy! Where's my dad? He- is he okay? Oh no, they must [s]of[/s] have [or must've] got him!" She started sobbing uncontrollably, tears running down her face. Every once in a while she would call out for her dad, but other than that, nothing but muffled moans.

"I'm sorry sir, but visiting times are over for Ada, [period instead] [s]you'll[/s] You'll have to come back later."

"I'm sorry, sir, but you have to leave. Maybe you can come back tomorrow." She pushed Gideon out the door, gently enough not to be considered violent, but harsh enough to be considered rude. The door slid shut [s]silenty[/s] [Nah...] behind him. The crying was quickly subdued, [no comma] as the nurse increased the amount of sedatives in the girl named Ada's bloodstream.

Gideon marched out of the hospital, [no comma] andback into the dreary rain. It was slowing down, and the fog was developing on the ground. Gideon was tired and agitated, [no comma] and walked back home.

[New paragraph]

It was a small brick apartment on the ground floor,[dash instead] too small to fit anyone else comfortably, but just large enough to be cozy enough for him to live in comfortably. It was warm, his digital fireplace flickering in the background, casting a warm orange glow across the room, eerie shadows dancing along the walls. He laid down along his therapedic couch, comfortably sinking into the leather cushions.

What was Ada talking about? Who were [s]them[/s] 'they'? Gideon didn't have a clue. Ever since the rebellion, no one bothered each other; they just sat at home, indulging themselves in their own prefect realities. Gideon had never used one; they were hard to come by, even for a looter. Gideon didn't understand it, but somehow, [no comma] thousands of people in Sector 33 alone, [no comma] had them, along with most of the world. Besides the few people Gideon had saved off the streets over the past few weeks, Gideon hadn't seen many people out on the streets in a long time.

Irritating repetition here in the underlined parts.

Gideon sighed, [period instead] oh well [italics?]; it didn't make a difference to him. Gideon reached for one of his many books, and after dimming the lights, began [s]reading[/s] to read, desperately trying to empty his mind of all the questions he had about Ada and the people she referred to as them.

There are other comments I'd like to make, but expect them to pop up after the fourth part of your chapter.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Gideon walked into the sanitary hospital, his shoes tapping on the bacteria free plastic tiles, leaving mud splotches on the floor. A janitor bot, hummed alive out of the corner of the room, scurrying over to the mud, its nose to the floor, polishing, sucking, washing all at once, its eight legs moving along the floor in an intense scurry. It followed Gideon at an intense pace, leaving the floor behind him spotless.

If the city outside is such a mess, then wouldn't the hospital, not only be full, but also be a bit of a mess too?

A reception-bot sat behind the reception desk in the lobby, her digital feet up on the desk, a magazine in her lap, her digital bubble gum snapping in her mouth.

"Can I help you?" She asked, her voice showing she could care less.

"Yeah, I brought a girl in here-"

"Room 3200 15 B." She said, snapping her digital gum in his face.

"Thank you." Gideon said, turning towards the elevators, all 37 seven of them."which eleva-"

"B! I totally already said that!" She said, obviously annoyed, that he wasn't gone yet.

This robot has attitude. If it's a receptionist bot, wouldn't it be programmed to be polite and attentive?

elevators, all 37 seven of them."which eleva-"

you repeated seven twice.

"15." Gideon said, stepping in the elevator, the janitor-bot close on his heels. The Bell-bot plugged himself into the elevator, turning a dial, until it clicked. The elevator lurched, moving slowly upwards. The janitor-bot hummed, and the bell-bots music was loud enough to fill an auditorium, and Gideon was already quite annoyed of the bots in the hospital. Oh well, tomorrow they'll be update with newer versions.

The robots seem almost too human. Make them seem more like automatons.

Hopefully those ones won't be so annoying. Gideon thought top himself.

make this to.

After a long walk down the lonely corridor, followed by the annoying Janitor-bot, Gideon finally reached the girls room. He knocked, the door quickly and silently slid open.The girl sat in her propped up bed, facing the door. She was pale, and hooked up to many machines, some checking her pulse, some pumping pain killers and sedatives into her system, some just there for show.

Why would their be machines there just for show. Hospitals don't waste valuable financing on show.

"Hello, I'm Gideon." Gideon said to the half-awake girl.

"Nice to meet you, are you the guy the nurses were telling me about?"
"I'm not sure what they've said but-"

"Are you the man who saved my life?"

"Well then, that's me. So how are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine, thanks to you. Where was I?" She asked, her memory obviously not fully recovered.

"I found you on Westminster bridge, with a man. You were in pretty bad shape."

"A man?" She asked, trying very hard to remember. "Daddy! Where is he? Is he okay?" she said quite frightened,her heart racing. A warning signal was sent out to a nurse.

"He's uh-"

"Daddy! Where's my dad? He- is he okay? Oh no, they must of got him!" She started sobbing uncontrollably, tears running down her face. Every once in a while she would call out for her dad, but other than that nothing muffled moans.

"Who are they? Who got him?"

A nurse rushed in, her metal skirt clinking with every step.
"I'm sorry sir, but visiting times are over for Ada, you'll have to come back later."

"But-"

"I'm sorry sir but you have to leave. Maybe you can come back tomorrow." She pushed Gideon out the door, gently enough not to be considered violent, but harsh enough to be considered rude. The door slid shut silenty behind him. The crying was quickly subdued, as the nurse increased the amount of sedatives in the girl named Ada's bloodstream.

A good dialogue here. I like the way that you take your time with it. If I were you, however, I would drag it out even more.

It was a small brick apartment on the ground floor, too small to fit anyone else comfortably, but just large enough to be cozy enough for him to live in comfortably.

Don't repeat comfortably here. It throws off the flow of the rest of the paragraph.

It was warm, his digital fireplace flickering in the background, casting a warm orange glow across the room, eerie shadows dancing along the walls. He laid down along his therapedic couch, comfortably sinking into the leather cushions.

He's got a lot of fancy stuff.

What was Ada talking about? Who were them?

Make that they.

indulging themselves in their own prefect realities.

you spelled perfect wrong.

Gideon had never used one; they were hard to come by, even for a looter. Gideon didn't understand it, but somehow, thousands of people in Sector 33 alone, had them, along with most of the world.

What are we talking about here? the realities? You may want to specify, cause it's a bit confusing.

Besides the few people Gideon had saved off the streets over the past few weeks, Gideon hadn't seen many people out on the streets in a long time.

This sentence doesn't make much sense. There's something missing.



Over all, this was pretty good. I like it very much, and will continue to read.


Cheers,
Pros