Young Writers Society

Gideon stood still, hands on his knees, his chest heaving. It had been a long time since he had been so brutally active. He had been working out for the past few years but nothing as intense as fighting off an entire legion of Nova Units. "Gideon come on! What's slowing you down?" Cameron asked, ready to get moving before more Nova Units were sent after them.

"I think I sprained my ankle after jumping out of the hospital," Gideon said, wincing as he pulled up his pant leg, exposing his swelled ankle. Terrence winced at the sight of it.

"Come on, we've got to get back to Head Quarters before they send more after us," ahe said, putting Gideon's arm over her shoulder. "Terrence help me. Take his other arm." Terrence did as he was told. Gideon had noticed that Cameron was quite a strong feminine leader. She was modest about her power, but each member of the team respected her and obeyed her commands fully. She was smart, compassionate, and a great problem solver.

She groaned under his weight but didn't complain at all. She was a strong leader but a stronger friend. "You know," Gideon said putting his weight on his strong foot. "you don't have to do this. I can walk on it. It's not that bad."

"Not if we expect to make it back before the Novas catch up to us. Get a move on Gimpy the One-Legged pirate." O'Connell said, poking Gideon in the back with the butt end of his dagger, "We "ourrrrght" to be getting a move on." He chuckled at his clever jokes as he watched the rear, making sure no Novas were on the horizon. They walked in a slow rhythmic pattern, silent besides their quiet groans and heavy breathing.

With one block to go the silence was finally broken. "Uh, guys," O'Connell said, his dagger absorbing the nearby energy as he charged it up. "We've got Novas on the horizon, twenty maybe thirty."

"Have they seen us yet?" Cameron said, quickening her pace almost dropping Gideon. Gideon could feel her pulse quicken through her neck under her hard shell, Cameron must of been terrified of the Nova Units.

"I don't think so, but it won't be long until they find us," he said, trying to quicken up their pace as they rounded the corner. Finally the Holo-wall was in sight. Once they got through that, their was almost no way they the Novas could continue to follow them. "Come on guys hurry! At the rate they were moving, they'll probably be on our backs in a couple of minutes." O'Connell said, his dagger at the ready. His breathing was heavy, his heart beating hard. No one on the team was quite as fearless as Gideon would have guessed.

The holo-wall was just a few buildings away when Gideon heard the skittering and scurrying of hundreds of small metallic legs. "They're here! Hurry! We're almost there!" O'Connell yelled, spittle flying off of his lips. He obviously became angry when he was afraid. "Come and get me ya' nasty lil' bugga's! I'll gut you like the the rotten fish you are!" O'Connell screamed, waving his dagger around in the air, sending his threats loudly out to the small robots, his voice reverberating against the nearby buildings, echoing throughout all of Sector 33.

"O'Connell what are you doing?" Cameron screamed, her voice stronger and more confident than Gideon would have expected it to be. Her pulse was soaring, faster than any he had ever felt before. "Get back here!" she said, entering into the Holo-Wall.

"Take Gideon from here." she said to Terrence, picking his arm off, leaving him Terrence with Gideon's full weight. He groaned but continued on, opening the dumpster doors.

"I can take it from here." Gideon said, using the hand rail for support as he hopped down the stairs.

Cameron stood halfway in the wall, her bow at the ready. "O'Connell! Get a move on! We've already lost one good man, and there's no way we can afford to lose you! Hurry! They're going to find headquarters! All our hopes for a future, lost because of your stupidity!" she screamed, sending an arrow into one of the approaching Nova Units. Unfortunately in her anger, she didn't think her actions through, and this attack only grabbed the bots attentions, sending them scurrying at twice the pace towards O'Connell.

He backed up, like a cornered animal with nowhere to go. Sweat beads developped on his forehead, his eyes examining each of the approaching Nova units,darting back and forth between the Nova Units, licking his lips preparing for the kill. Cameron grabbed the back of his shirt, tugging him closer to the Holo-wall. She reached in her quiver, picking her only silver arrow in the bunch. It was one of Carlos' flare arrows, which would send shock waves for over 250 feet from its target, scrambling the Nova Units mainframes momentarily. She launched it into the center of the group, waiting for it to land before entering the Holo-wall. There was no reason to risk exposing the Holo-wall the entrance to the head quarters, especially in front of the Novas.

The arrow hit its mark perfectly, sparks flying on its impact, sending blinding light everywhere, lighting up the alley, brighter than Cameron had ever seen it before. The light dulled, small electric pulses still moving between the Novas. Cameron waited a moment, just to make sure it worked. None of the bots, moved, a few of them making strange clicking sounds. The shockwaves worked as planned, leaving the bots stunned, their systems down. Their normal orange eyes had turned off, into just gray holes. Cameron ran through the Holo-wall, dragging O'Connell with her.

"What were you thinking?!" she yelled losing her temper, smacking O'Connell upside the head. "Whatever. Don't do it again. Get downstairs, We'll talk about this later." Cameron said, sighing as she descended the stairs.

*****

Three hours later, Ada awoke, resting on Doctor Faord's bed. The machines were hooked back up, her heart still checked every few seconds. She was scared for her life and her father. She had heard the doctors talking the day before-- the government had issued orders to terminate one of their patients. They went quiet as soon as they noticed Ada behind them. She was terrified by them and was planning and escape when they increased the amount of sedatives in her blood. She didn't remember a thing after that, and now, she lay alone on another surgical bed. Things seemed to make a turn for the worst since she had left the reality.

A taller man walked in, his blonde receding hairline, making his forehead seem enormous, his wrinkled cheeks making him look much older than the rest of him.

"How are you feeling Ada?" the man asked, his voice dignified and politically correct. He must be from the government.

"Get away from me, you political trash! I'm not telling you a thing!" she said, folding her arms, her eyes searching the room for some sort of weapon-- Anything to get her out of here.

The door slid open revealing a face that triggered a memory in her head. "You!" she said, sitting up in bed, pointing her finger at the woman in the door. "You sold Daddy out! You told them we were trying to leave! This is all your fault!" she said yelling.

"Calm down Ada," Cameron said, her soothing voice making Ada relax a little. "We were on your father's side, He used to be one of us." She said, walking over to Ada's bedside. "We are very sorry to here about- you know," She said, emotional tears developing in her eyes. "He was a good man." Cameron said, sughed memories of him clouding her train of thought. "Anyways, would you mind telling us exactly how you got yourself out of the Alternate reality?" Cameron asked, placing her hand on Ada's.

"No way!" Ada exclaimed, pulling her hand away from Cameron's. "How do I know you aren't from the government?!" She said, crawling to the other side of the bed.

Gideon entered the room, a crutch under his right arm. "Gideon!" Ada, exclaimed, his face still fresh in her memory. "Did they get you too?! Is that why your ankles broken?!" she exclaimed innocently.

"It's just sprained, and no, they didn't get me. I'm here because I want to be here." Gideon said, trying to sound soothing like Cameron. "I'm part of the rebellion now."

"So you guys aren't with the government?" Ada, said still partially uncertain if she could trust them. Gideon looked at her with a cocked eyebrow. His face practically said, "You've got to be kidding me".

"Do I look like I'd be in the government?" He asked, his uncombed hair, plain white tee shirt, and stained jeans, screamed 'no'.

"Okay maybe not. But why do you want to know why I left?" Ada asked, sitting up in bed, talking directly to Gideon, completely ignoring Cameron.

Gideon looked at Cameron to answer the question.

"She was talking to you." Cameron said, half smirking.

"Well," Gideon said, a little uncomfortable being the one with the knowledge for a change. Why did Ada have to ask him and not Cameron? "We want to free everyone, and let them back into reality."

Ada laughed.

Gideon looked at her oddly. "I'm being serious." Cameron folded her arms across her chest. Ada was already wearing her nerves thin.

"I wouldn't say free them." Ada said, nudging herself closer to Gideon. "Their plenty free there. They just don't want to leave."

"Why not?"

"Well, the government made up stories about a large war-- where diseases are the main weapon-- going on in the real world. They tell us when we're plugged in the reality machines, they take us to a safe house, where we can wait in safety for the war to end. They tell us that they'll shut down the power when the war was over, and we can all leave and get back to our normal lives. Some people don't mind though, it's quite nice in there."

"But not everyone wants to stay?" Gideon asked.

Ada laughed again. "Hardly, most people can't wait for the war to end."

"Then why don't they leave?"

"The power has to be off for us to leave. Then the door out appears. Daddy turned off the power in the house, and in an hour or so, I was back in the real world."

"So all we have to do is shut down all the power in the city, and somehow convince everyone in the Alternate reality that the war is over?" Gidoen asked, knowing how long that could take.

"Yep!" Ada, said smiling happily, swinging her legs off the edge of the bed, like a five year old on Christmas morning. "That's it."

Gideon sighed. "Thanks Ada. We'll be back later, you need your sleep." Gideonpatted her leg and left the room with Cameron, the door sliding shut behind them. He sighed gloomily. "What are we going to do now?" Gideon asked Cameron. "That'll take us years!"

Cameron patted him on the back. "Cheer up. Everything's different now."

"How so?" Gideon asked, not sure what she meant.

"Before, now, we didn't have a plan. We had no idea how to set everyone free. This is hope for us, a reason to keep fighting. You have no idea how much of a difference willpower can make. Give us a few weeks, and before you know it, we'll be living in a free world again with thousands, maybe even millions, of people, out on the streets again. Think of what it will be like living in a world filled with other people."

Gideon could only smile at the thought of it. He walked Cameron back to her room, then continued on to his. A world with other people. He couldn't wait.

Mmm, I'll come back with a more detailed critique later, but a couple of quick things before I retire.

The plot is a little too Matrix-ish for my taste. An alternate reality from which people don't really want to be 'freed' because reality is worse? Hmmm...I'm sure you can make it work, but you'll have to strive to make it as unique as you can and add awesome little non-Matrix-ish twists to the plot. (er, have you seen The Matrix? It's really good!)

Also, your one MONSTER action paragraph needs to be cut up! I'll have more suggestions when I come back later about where would be good places to chop up that paragraph.

Oh, and note: dialogue punctuation still wrong in this one. Just so you know. I won't be pointing it out, because hopefully by now you know the rules, so that's something you should look into editing.

Well-written, and as I said I'll be back later.

Au revoir
MademoiselleKool

P.S. if you're still confused about the punctuation thing, pm Snoink - I think she had a really good link to a page that explains much better than I did, with the whole weird rabbit-in-the-soup thing.

Hello! I'm doing this at school, outside the comforts and assistance of home, so we'll see what happens, aye?

A moment later, Gideon stood still, hands on his knees, his chest heaving. It had been a long time since he had been so brutally active. He had been working out for the past few years, [no comma] but nothing as intense as fighting off an entire legion of Nova Units. "Gideon come on! What's slowing you down?" Cameron asked, ready to get moving before more Nova Units were sent after them.

"I think I sprained my ankle, [no comma] after jumping out of the hospital. [comma instead] " Gideon said, wincing as he pulled up his pant leg, exposing his swelled ankle. Terrence winced at the sight of it.

"Come on, we've got to get back to Head Quarters before they send more after us. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, putting Gideon's arm over her shoulder. "Terrence help me. Take his other arm." [s]Cameron said.[/s] Terrence did as he was told. Gideon had noticed that Cameron was quite a strong feminine leader. She was modest about her power, but each member of the team respected her and obeyed her commands fully. She was smart, [s]and[/s] compassionate, and a great problem-solver.

She groaned under his weight, [no comma] but didn't complain at all. She was a strong leader, [no comma] but a stronger friend. "You know," Gideon said putting his weight on his strong foot. [comma instead] "you don't have to do this. I can walk on it. It's not that bad."

"Not if we expect to make it back before the Novas catch up to us. Get a move on, Gimpy, [no comme] [s]the one legged pirate.[/s] the One-Legged Pirate," [s]He[/s] he said, poking Gideon in the back with the butt end of his dagger, [period instead] "We "ourrrrght" to be getting a move on. [comma instead]" O'Connell said, chuckling as he watched the rear, [no comma] and making sure no Novas were on the horizon. They walked in a slow rhythmic pattern, silent besides
their quiet groans and heavy breathing.

With one block to go, the silence was finally broken.

"We've got Novas on the horizon, [dash instead] twenty, maybe thirty."

"Have they seen us yet?" Cameron said, quickening her pace, [no comma] and almost dropping Gideon. Gideon could feel her pulse quicken through her neck, [no comma] under her hard shell, [semi instead] Cameron must [s]of[/s] have been terrified of the Nova Units.

"I don't think so, but it won't be long until they find us. [comma instead]" [s]He[/s] he said, trying to quicken up their pace, [no comma] as they rounded the corner. Finally the Holo-wall was in sight. Once they got through that, [s]their[/s] there was almost no way they the Novas could continue to follow them.

[New paragraph]

"Come on, guys, hurry! At the rate they were moving, they'll [s]probably[/s] be on our backs in a couple of minutes. [comma instead]" O'Connell said, his dagger at the ready. His breathing was heavy, his heart beating hard. No one on the team was quite as fearless as Gideon would have guessed.

[New paragraph]

The holo-wall was just a few buildings away when Gideon heard the [s]scittering[/s] skittering and scurrying of hundreds of small metallic legs. "They're here! Hurry! We're almost there!" O'Connell yelled, spittle flying off of his lips. He obviously became angry when he was afraid. "Come and get [s]my[/s] me, ya' nasty lil' bugga's! I'll gut you like the the rotten fish you are!" O'Connell screamed, waving his dagger around in the air, [no comma] and sending his threats [s]loudly out[/s] to the small robots, his voice reverberating against the nearby buildings, [no comma] and echoing throughout all of Sector 33.

That was kinda monstrous; not gonna lie.

Underlined: Should Holo-Wall be all capitalized like I just did here? I think it would be, seeing as both words are part of the title, but it's upt to you.

"O'Connell, what are you doing! [question mark instead]" Cameron yelled, her voice stronger and more confident than Gideon expected. Her pulse was soaring, faster than any he had ever felt before. "Get back here!" She [s]said, entering into[/s] entered the Holo-wall.

[New paragraph]

"Take Gideon from here. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said to Terrence, picking his arm off, [no comma] and leaving him [s]Terrence[/s] with Gideon's full weight. He groaned, [no comma] but continued on, opening the dumpster doors.

[New paragraph]

"I can take it from. [comma instead]" Gideon said, using the [s]hand rail[/s] handrail for support as he hopped down the stairs.

[New paragraph]

Cameron stood [s]half way[/s] halfway in the wall, her bow at the ready. "O'Connell! Get a move on! We've already lost one good man, and there's no way we can lose you! Hurry, [exclamation point or dash] [s]There[/s] they're going to find headquarters! All our hopes for a future, [dash instead] lost because of your stupidity!" [s]She[/s] she screamed, sending an arrow into one of the approaching Nova Units.

[New paragraph]

Unfortunately in her anger, she didn't think her actions through, and this attack only grabbed the bots' attentions, sending them scurrying at twice the pace towards O'Connell. He backed up, like a cornered animal, with nowhere to go. Cameron rushed forward, grabbing the back of his shirt, [no comma] and tugging him closer to the Holo-wall.

[New paragraph]

She reached in her quiver, picking her only silver arrow in the bunch. It was one of Carlos' flare arrows, which would send shock waves for over 250 feet from its target, scrambling the Nova Units mainframes momentarily. She launched it into the center of the group, waiting for it to land before entering the holo-wall. There was no reason to risk exposing the holo-wall, the entrance to the head quarters, especially in front of the Novas.

[New paragraph]

The arrow hit its mark perfectly, sparks flying on its impact, [no comma] and sending blinding light everywhere, lighting up the alley, brighter than Cameron had ever seen it before. The light dulled, small electric pulses still moving between the Novas. Cameron waited a moment, just to make sure it worked. None of the bots, moved, a few of them making strange clicking sounds. The shockwaves worked as planned, leaving the bots stunned, their systems down. Their normal orange eyes had turned off, [no comma] into just black holes. Cameron ran through the Holo-wall, dragging O'Connell with her.

That was monster scary.

Underlined: How would Gideon know about her pulse?

"What were you thinking?!" [s]She[/s] she yelled, smacking O'Connell upside the head. "Whatever. Don't do it again. Get downstairs, We'll talk about this later." Cameron [s]said, sighing[/s] sighed as she descended the stairs.

Three hours later, Ada awoke, resting on Doctor Faord's bed. The machines were hooked back up, her heart still checked every few seconds. She was scared, [no comma] for her life and her father. She had heard the [s]doctor's[/s] doctors talking the day before. [dash instead] [s]They were talking about[/s] the government, [no comma] [s]and how they[/s] had [s]been[/s] issued orders to terminate one of their patients. They went quiet as soon as they noticed Ada behind them. She was terrified, [no comma] by them, [no comma] and was planning [s]and[/s] an escape when they [s]increases[/s] increased the amount of sedatives in her blood. She didn't remember a thing after that, and now, [no comma] she lay alone on another surgical bed. Things seemed to make a turn for the worst since she had left the reality.

A taller man walked in, his blonde receding [s]hair line, [/s] hairline making his forehead seem enormous, his wrinkled cheeks making him look much older than the rest of him.

"How are you feeling Ada?" [s]THe[/s] the man asked, his voice dignified and politically correct, [s] scaring Ada.[/s] He must be from the government.

Underlined: Make this its own sentence. It doesn't flow well when included with the tag.

"Get away from me, you political trash! I'm not telling you a thing. [no comma]" [s]She[/s] she said, folding her arms, her eyes searching the room for some sort of weapon. [dash instead] Anything to get her out of here.

[New paragraph]

The door slid open, revealing a face that triggered a memory in her head. "You!" [s]She[/s] she said, sitting up in bed, [no comma] and pointing her finger at the woman in the door. "You sold Daddy out! You told them we were trying to leave! This is all your fault!" [s]She said yelling[/s].

"Calm down Ada," Cameron said, her soothing voice making Ada calm a little. "We were on your father's side, [semi instead] [s]He[/s] he used to be one of us." She [s]said, walking[/s] walked over to Ada's bedside. "We are very sorry to here about- you know. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, emotional tears developing in her eyes. "He was a good man." She [s]said, sighing[/s] sighed, memories of him clouding her train of thought. "Anyways, would you mind telling us exactly how you got yourself out of the Alternate reality?" Cameron asked, placing her hand on Ada's.

Underlined: They repeat and it's a bit irritating. Use a thesaurus or rephrase. ^_^

"No way!" Ada exclaimed, pulling her hand away from Cameron's. "How do I know you aren't from the government?!" She [s]said, crawling[/s] scooted/crawled to the other side of the bed.

Gideon entered the room, a crutch under his right arm. "Gideon!" Ada, exclaimed, his face still fresh in her memory. "Did they get you too?! Is that why your ankle's broken?!" [s]She[/s] she exclaimed innocently.

"No," Gideon said, trying to sound [s]soothing like[/s] as soothing as Cameron. "I'm in the rebellion too, just like Cameron here, and like your father used to be."

"So you guys aren't with the government?" Ada, [no comma] said, still partially uncertain if she could trust them. Gideon looked at her with a cocked eyebrow. His face practically said, "You've got to be kidding me".

Italics: I'm thinking of putting this in italics since it's not a quote.

"Do I look like I'd be in the government?" [s]He[/s] he asked, his uncombed hair, plain white tee-shirt, and stained jeans, [no comma] screamed "no". He was sure twenty, but looked [s]more[/s] like he was still seventeen.

Underlined: Put that in single quotes? Or italics?

"Okay, maybe not.

"We want to free everyone, and let them back into reality." Ada laughed.

"I wouldn't say "free" them. [comma instead]" Ada said, scnudging herself closer to Gideon. "[s]Their[/s] They're plenty free there. They just don't want to leave."

Underlined: Single quotes or italics

Italics: Scooting or Nudging will work, but scnudging is not a word.

"Well, they've made up stories about a large war, [dash instead] where diseases are the main weapon,[dash instead] going on in the real world. They tell us when we're plugged into the reality machines, they take us to a safe house, where we can wait in safety for the war to end. They tell us that they'll shut down the power when the war was over, and we can all leave and get back to our normal lives. Some people don't mind, though, [semi instead] it's quite nice in there."

Ada laughed again. "Hardly, [semi or dash instead] most people can't wait for the war to end."

Then the door out appears.

"So all we have to do is shut down all the power in the city, [no comma] and somehow convince everyone in the Alternate reality that the war is over?"

"Yep!" Ada, [no comma] said, smiling happily, [no comma] and swinging her legs off the edge of the bed, [no comma] like a five-year-old on Christmas morning. "That's it." [s]She said.[/s]

Gideon [s]said, patting[/s] patted her leg, [no comma] [s]leaving[/s] and left the room with Cameron, the door sliding shut behind them.

Cameron patted him on the back. "Cheer up. [s]Every thing's[/s] Everything's different now." [s]Cameron said reassuringly[/s].

"Before, [no comma] [s]now, [/s]we didn't have a plan. We had no idea how to set everyone free. This is hope for us, a reason to keep fighting. You have no idea how much of a difference [s]will power[/s] willpower can make. Give us a few weeks, and before you know it, we'll be living in a free world again, [no comma] with thousands, maybe even millions, of people, [no comma] [s] living side by side with us,[/s] out on the streets again. Think of what it will be like, [dash instead] living in a free world again."

Gideon could only smile at the thought of it. He walked Cameron back to her room, [no comma] then [s]in silence [/s]smiled to himself. A world with other people. He smiled. He couldn't wait.

Underlined: Repetition of him smiling. He smiled already. He can't smile again unless he frowned first, lol.

Italics: Can you smile silently? Can you smile noisily?

Overall

The pace worries me. You rush parts that are important, and there may even be parts that are unnecessary. I'd go back and edit again. I can't give you a full end-of-crit critique 'cause class ends in five minutes, but I got the grammar and certain things pointed out. I'll post part 3 some time in my life.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!