Young Writers Society

The rebellion sat quietly around their table, thoughts scurrying in and out of their heads, brainstorming. The clock ticked on the wall behind them, giving the room an eerie silence. Carlos gnawed on his pencil. "How could he beat the unbeatable?" He thought to himself. When he worked for the government he made sure that there was no way someone could do what he was trying to do. With the hundreds of firewalls, and data scramblers he had inserted in the systems basic hard drive, there was no way any virus could even make it into the system, let alone shut it down. He scratched down codes, thoughts, anything that looked like it could possibly work on his pad of paper. So far he had already went through four pages of pure ideas. Nothing, however, even looked like it could make it in undetected.

Cameron and the others quietly talked among themselves. O'Connell cracked his knuckles, his feet up on the table. Gideon sat next to him, his head propped up by his elbows. Across from them sat Vinny and Faord. Vinny was playing with a greasy valve from the beetle, and Faord, apalled by all of their piggish behaviors, sat tall in his seat his head held snobbishly high, twiddlying his thumbs. Cameron sat the end of the table along with Terrence. He watched Carlos with ever heavying eyelids, while Cameron played with her bowstring. Everyone was trying to keep themselves awake and keep the thought process going, but nothing seemed to be working.

"So... how are we going to shut down all the power across all of Sector 33?" Cameron asked, repeating herself to keep the brainstorm alive. It used to be a roaring torrential thunderstorm of ideas; now it was nothing but a dull blaze.

"Well, we could always just blow the Buckington powerplant up." O'Conell suggested.
"Too obvious." Cameron said, resting her head on her hand.

"Couldn't we just flip some giant switch?" Terrence asked.

"The power would be out for a minute or two-- no less. We need something that will shut them down for two, three days at the least."

"We've been at this all day, Cameron! Can we take just a short break?" Gideon begged, impatiently.

"Not until we figure out how we're going to shut them down. Think of how long those people have been in there. The more time we waste, the worse it'll be for them."

"They like it in there!" Gideon argued. "They don't mind."

"That's what you think; for all we know there could be people in there just dying to get out," Cameron argued back.

Gideon stood up, threatening, to leave the table.

"Just try it, and see how fast you'll have an arrow in the back of your head,"
she said.

Gideon sat back down.

It was obvious Cameron was stressing herself out over things, her head afilled with a mix of anxiety and excitement.

"Alright, back to business." She said, leaderly. Gideon groaned and laid his head down on the table. He was dancing on her last nerve, and it was getting pretty thin.

"Can't we just send the power somewhere else?" Gideon exclaimed sarcastically.

A light went on in Cameron's head. She looked at him, a twinkle, dancing in her eyes, as she realized the potential of what he had just said.

"Gideon you're a genius!" She said, grabbing a piece of scrap paper, doodling down a basic plan.

"I, uh...I know" Gideon said, taken aback. He wasn't being serious when he had said that. What was she thinking? Gideon asked himself.

"Of course you did." She said sarcastically, setting down her pencil. "Well, here's my idea. If we combine all of our thoughts together, they won't know what hit 'em!" She said, holding up a sketch of the powerplant. "Sure, the bots are designed to find the problem, but they'll check the most obvious places first. "If we flip the switch here--" She pointed to the southern wing of the building with her pencil. "--set off a few explosions here--" She pointed to the western corner of the building. "--and put a few re-instators in the powerlines here--" She pointed to the northern extention. "--and here--" She pointed to the eastern section. "--all at once, they'll have no idea what hit them. First they'll check the explosion, then flip the switch, and by the time they find most of the reinstators, a day at the least would have gone by." she sat back down smiling. "enough time to get everyone out."

"One question," Gideon asked, after listening intently to Cameron. "What's a re-instator?"

'Well," Doctor Faord replied, "they are small micro chips Carlos designed. I use them on victims stabbed by electronic weapons. Instead of the energy of your body being drained to the weapon, the machine will re route it back the reciever, which would have to be placed somewhere in your body."

"So your saying," Gideon said, starting to realise the big picture. "we'll just have to put a few of these little things in the powerlines, and put their recievers somewhere else and we'll have the system shut down?"

Cameron laughed. Easier said than done.

Back again!

The rebellion sat quietly around their table, thoughts scurrying in and out of their heads, brainstorming. The clock ticked on the wall behind them, giving the room an eerie silence. Carlos gnawed on his pencil. How could he beat the unbeatable? He thought to himself. When he worked for the government, he made sure that there was no way someone could do what he was trying to do. With the hundreds of firewalls, [no comma] and data scramblers he had inserted in the systems basic hard drive, there was no way any virus could [s]even[/s] make it into the system, let alone shut it down. He scrathched down codes, thoughts, [s]any thing[/s] anything that looked like it could possibly work. Nothing, however, even looked like it could make it in undetected.

Underlined: Maybe make this an actual thought since it's assumed as one anyway. How could I beat the unbeatable? he thought to himself.

Italics: Huh? I'm thinking you meant scratched, but it still doesn't make sense.

Cameron and the others quietly talked among themselves.

[New paragraph]

"So, [no comma] how are we going to shut down all the power, [no comma] across all of Sector 33. [question mark instead]" Cameron asked, repeating herself for the umpteenth time [?], [no comma] to keep the brainstorm alive. It used to be a roaring [s]an[/s] [s]turential[/s] torrential thunderstorm of ideas, [semi instead] now it was nothing but a dull blaze.

If you split the paragraph like I did, maybe elaborate on the first part. What is everyone doing? Is O'Connell drumming his fingers? Cameron popping some bubblegum? Gideon whistling a random tune?

"Well, we could always just blow the Buckington powerplant up. [comma instead]" O'Conell suggested.
"Too [s]Obvious.[/s] obvious," Cameron said, resting her head on her hand.

"The [s]poer[/s] power would be out for a minute or two, [dash instead] no less. We need something that will shut them down for two, three, [no comma] days at the least."

"We've been at this all day, Cameron! Can we take just a short break?" Gideon begged, impatiently.

[s]THe[/s] The more time we waste, the worse it'll be for them."

"They like it in there!" Gideon argued, [period instead] "They don't mind."

"That's what you think, [semi instead] for all we know, there could be people in there just dying to get out. [comma instead]" Cameron argued back.

[New paragraph]

Gideon stood up, threatening, to leave the table.

[New paragraph]

"Just try it, [no comma] and see how fast you'll have an arrow in the back of your head. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said.

[New paragraph]

Gideon sat back down. It was obvious Cameron was stressing herself out over things, her head [s]a fill of[/s] filled with a mix of anxiety and excitement.

[New paragraph]

"Alright, back to business. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, [no comma] [s] leaderly[/s] authoritatively [or another word]. Gideon groaned and laid his head down on the table. He was dancing on her last nerve, and [s]it[/s] her patience was getting pretty thin.

Cameron might threaten Gideon with her bow, but has she had her bow this entire time? I didn't know that.

"Can't we just send the power somewhere else?" Gideon exclaimed sarcastically.

[New paragraph]

A light went on in Cameron's head. She looked at him, a twinkle, [no comma] dancing in her eyes, [no comma] as she realized the potential of what he had just said.

"Gideon, your a genius!" [s]She[/s] she said, grabbing a piece of scrap paper, [no comma] and doodling [s]down[/s] a basic [s]plane[/s] plan.

"[s]I-uh, I know.[/s] I, uh...I know," Gideon [s]said, suprised[/s] stuttered/taken aback. He wasn't being serious when he had said that. What was she thinking? Gideon asked himself.

Underlined: Again, make this his own thought. What was she thinking? Gideon asked himself. In other words, put the thought itself in italics.

"Of course you did. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said sarcastically, setting down her pencil. "Well, here's my idea. If we combine all of our thoughts together, they won't know what hit 'em!"

[New paragraph]

She [s]said, holding[/s] held up a sketch of the powerplant. "Sure, the bots are designed to find the problem, but they'll check the most obvious places first. If we flip the switch here," she said, pointing with her pencil, at the southern wing of the building. "set off a few explosions here," she said, pointing to the western corner of the building, "and put a few re-instators in the powerlines here," she said pointing to the northern extension, "and here," pointing to the eastern section, "all at once, they'll have no idea what hit them. First they'll check the explosion, then flip the switch, and by the time they find most of the reinstators, a day at the least would have gone by." [s]she[/s] She sat back down, smiling. "[s]enough[/s] Enough time to get everyone out."

Underlined: Reformat:

"If we flip the switch here--" She pointed to the southern wing of the building with her pencil. "--set off a few explosions here--" She pointed to the western corner of the building. "--and put a few re-instators in the powerlines here--" She pointed to the northern extention. "--and here--" She pointed to the eastern section. "--all at once, they'll have no idea what hit them.

OR

"If we flip the switch here in the southern wing of the building, set off a few explosions in the west corner, and put a few re-instators in the powerlines located in the north and east extensions all at once, they'll have no idea what hit them.

I like the second choice better. Easy to follow and comprehend.

One question," Gideon asked, [no comma] after listening intently to Cameron. "[s]what's[/s] What's a re-instator?"

'Well," Doctor, [no comma] Faord replied, "they are small micro chips Carlos designed. I use them on [s]stab[/s] victims stabbed by [s]of[/s] electronic weapons. Instead of the energy of your body being drained to the weapon, the machine will re-route it back the [s]reciever[/s] receiver, which would have to be placed somewhere in your body."

"So your saying," Gideon said, starting to [s]realise[/s] realize the big picture. [comma instead] "we'll just have to put a few of these little things in the powerlines, [no comma] and put their [s]recievers[/s] receivers somewhere else, and we'll have the system shut down?"

Cameron laughed. [s]easier[/s] Easier said than done.

Overall

Grammar, description, characters. Those are the three biggies that we need to work on. I still don't know how to characterize Gideon, and I kind of know Cameron, but she's been thrown out of character then in a few spots.

You did say you were redoing this anyway, so I'm not going to make too big of an end review here. Hopefully I've helped you in your first two chapters, and maybe you'll use my suggestions in the future? I don't know, but I hope I helped you and look forward to seeing more of your work.

If there's anything else in need of crit, give me a shout! ^^

Jabber, the One and Only!