Young Writers Society

I did this for Nanowrimo last year and decided to go through and edit the first few parts before the Summer. I coming to you lovely peoples for help because I think I've done as much as I can on my own #_#

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Throughout Grandeur there was the hiss of scorching steam and the rattling of steel pipes. A throb of frantic movement as crewmen hurried through corridors laden with coal, spare parts, some rolling barrels of water down echoing ramps. Clio shuffled past them as he slowly made his way, hands stuffed into his pockets, frowning as he rolling his tongue around the inside of his mouth. All he wanted was to go out and have a cigarette to calm his nerves, but he'd been out to have a smoke but a few moments ago and had been ordered back inside by the captain, the old fool muttering something about him needing to help. Not once in his life had Clio done any form of hard labour, and he was not looking forward to starting now.

Annoyed and short-tempered he slammed through doors, painful aches creaking out from the hinges as he flung them about. The other men he passed all gave him strange looks, mixtures of disgust and curiosity; although some chose to simply ignore him altogether. Noticing their queer expressions, he blew the few strands of his fringe out of his eyes and stuck out his tongue. He knew they didn't like him, and why would they? They were all what you'd expect to find in a land-ship sailor, tight muscles, tanned skin reeking of work-sweat; a complete contrast to his lean nimble frame and carefully styled hair. It wound him up how the opinion they formed when they first saw their Captain's right hand man never seemed to change: what is he doing here?

Blowing some more hair out of his face he pushed another door open, only to find that once he had passed through to the other side it came swinging back towards him at great speed. He cried out, ducking out of the way before it could smack against his fragile skull.

"Cut that out!" He snapped, dealing a swift kick to the nearest wall. "I'm going down to help feed you your damn coal, aren't I? Can't you be happy enough that I'm being made to roll up my sleeves and get my hands filthy?" As soon as the words had left his mouth Clio realised just how arrogant they made him sound, but was in too foul a mood to retract his remark and apologise, especially if the daft old coot was trying to do him in.

The door swung back and forth slowly, the hinges giving tiny squeaks of innocence to confirm that they still needed attention. Clio shook his head and turned to walk on through to the engine room of the land-ship, wondering how long it would be before he was assaulted again.

The first thing that hit Clio when he stepped inside was the heat—followed by the smell, an unpleasant mixture of fully- and half-burned coal mixed with the sweat of those shovelling the black lumps into the furnace. He muttered something to himself, words lost beneath the load clatter and clang of machinery and the roar of the fire as it struggled against the confides of its furnace. There was a shrill sound as steam found its way out of cracks in the pipes, Clio was unsure if it was a contented sound or an annoyed one, or if it meant anything at all.

Rolling up the sleeves of his shirt he sighed, and had just begun his decent down to the work floor when there was the swift hiss of something slicing through the air. Pain shattered into the side of his head, sending him skidding to the floor.

"Bastard!" Clio shouted and staggered to his feet, the labourers down below him wondering if he was drunk or not – it was true he had a habit of shouting to things that weren't there, but they'd all just put it down to that rumour that he was an alcoholic. "Bastard bastard bastard!" He cried out again and stumbled forwards.

It was through the same corridors that he had passed through moment before which Clio found himself lurching through now. The pain made him dizzy, sick. And the longing for a cigarette made him remember how it tasted when the smoke piled up in his mouth; that just made him feel even worse. Nervously he held a hand up to where metal had met bone, there was a sticky mess of fresh and half-congealed blood mangled together with flesh. The blood ran down the side of his face and into his eye, stinging it and making tears well up, before it dripped down and seeped into his shirt.

He could still hear that shrill shriek, and was certain that it was not one of contentment or annoyance, but of smugness. A happy sigh at causing him grief. If he could just reach her room then he'd be okay, even if her knowledge of first aid was only slight she was still going to be a greater help than those who simple squeezed their way past him, ignoring his shallow haggard breaths and the curses he muttered beneath them.

Somehow he found himself outside her door without any idea how he'd actually managed it. He had to remember his manners – nothing was worth risking her wrath, so he rapped his knuckles on the door, called out to tell her it was him, and then promptly passed out.

In the fifth to last paragraph, it should be "descent" not "decent". It sounds like Clio's nicely dressed, which he probably is, hehe.

This is a nice story, but I feel like I'm way too far inside Clio's head. I think his every thought, feel his every feeling, and sense what he senses. That thing that hit him in the head hurt me too . . . ouch.

Beginning: ". . . frantic movement as crewmen hurried through corridors laden with coal . . ." There should be a comma after "movement."

". . . out to have a smoke but a few moments ago and had been ordered back inside by the captain, the old fool muttering something about him needing to help . . ." That part at the end, where the fool mutters, is a bit confusing, even though it is understandable. Maybe put something like: " . . . the captain, who muttered that he needed Clio's help, however insignificant." Your choice!

"Rolling up the sleeves of his shirt he sighed, and had just begun . . ." There should be a comma after "shirt".

'"Cut that out!" He snapped, dealing a swift kick . . ." After the snapping, "he" should not be capitalized. It seems like we're talking about Jesus, lol.

All together, this is very nicely put. Good story, nice descriptions, I even came to dislike the captain . . .

Hi!

I'm just going to jump into the story. I'll say this, though: if you have any questions or comments or need me to clarify things, let me know and I'll do my best.

So I like your story. I like your character, in particular; he's wonderfully unlikable and although I'm hoping there's an explanation as to how he managed to land the job of Captain's "right hand man", I really do enjoy that he is completely incompetent at his job and it is acknowledged by everyone on-crew. I don't know where this is going, but I like the hint of mystery at the end with the introduction of the mysterious "her" (whether or not she really IS all that mysterious).

Now, I know this is a Nanowrimo story so I don't know how much heavy revision you've done, and I also don't know how much of it you wrote as filler, or how fast you wrote it, or any of those details. But I think there's some basic issues that you need to deal with regarding the story and its structure and, particularly, its unfolding.

(1) The Opening

I feel like a lot of people underestimate the power of a good opening, but here's the thing: your readers have a lot of selection. There are a lot of stories out there, and they need to be convinced that your story is a story worth reading, which means they need to be drawn in.

I think the easiest and most obvious way to draw in readers is to give them something meaty that they can sink their teeth into. So to speak. I know that, as a reader, I have a pretty short attention span, and I'm pretty judgmental to boot. There are a whole lot of stories that I start reading and never finish, simply because they're not very reader-conscious.

Let's look at your opening paragraph:

Throughout Grandeur there was the hiss of scorching steam and the rattling of steel pipes. A throb of frantic movement as crewmen hurried through corridors laden with coal, spare parts, some rolling barrels of water down echoing ramps. Clio shuffled past them as he slowly made his way, hands stuffed into his pockets, frowning as he rolling his tongue around the inside of his mouth. All he wanted was to go out and have a cigarette to calm his nerves, but he'd been out to have a smoke but a few moments ago and had been ordered back inside by the captain, the old fool muttering something about him needing to help. Not once in his life had Clio done any form of hard labour, and he was not looking forward to starting now.

As an opening paragraph, this is HUGE. And not that huge is necessarily a bad thing, because it's not, but in this particular instance, all of that length is devoted to a lot of long-winded description. As a reader, there's not much to sink my teeth into. There's a boat and a grouchy whiny man, but nothing's happening. He's not interacting with anyone, he's not even doing anything particularly noteworthy except griping to himself. There's no noticeable conflict, nothing event-worthy.

I think the introduction of Clio warrants a new paragraph, at the least, but I also think there is a lot of unnecessary stuff.

I'm going to go over the paragraph a little closer, now.

Throughout Grandeur there was the hiss of scorching steam and the rattling of steel pipes.

"Grandeur" should be italicized and there should be a comma after it (this is nitpicky stuff) but again, remember what I said about piquing the reader's interest. Put yourself in the place of a person who's idly skimming through forum posts (I'm sure you've been in that position before) and find a more engaging opening line.

A throb of frantic movement as crewmen hurried through corridors laden with coal, spare parts, some rolling barrels of water down echoing ramps.

The "some rolling barrels" is awkward and kind of confusing in the sentence, and I would suggest sticking it into another sentence (especially because the commas are initially used to separate the items in your list and then all of a sudden, they are used again to separate a phrase from the rest of the sentence).

Also, a minor suggestion here: if it's busy and hectic and crazy, I would encourage that your sentence style mimic that. Which is to say, shorter sentences and less lengthy description. You're trying to place the reader in this atmosphere, so capture the sweat and the rush and buzz and chaos and noise.

Clio shuffled past them as he slowly made his way, hands stuffed into his pockets, frowning as he rolling his tongue around the inside of his mouth.

Wayyyy too much unnecessary description. "Slowly" is redundant because we already get the idea with the verb "shuffled". I would encourage you to take out "made his way", partly because it's unnecessary but also because as it is, it's unfinished — made his way where? Also, it should be "he was rolling" and I have to say, I don't understand the point of putting this action in the narrative. I'm not sure what you mean by "rolling his tongue around", and I don't know what purpose it's serving within the narrative; it doesn't show he's angry or bored, it doesn't tell us anything about him or what's happening in the story. Cut cut cut.

I'd also like to remind you that this is your character's grand entrance into the narrative. I don't know if you want to keep it like that — his entrance being that he walks on-stage, but it lacks pizzaz. And he's such a great character that I feel like it would be truly unfortunate if he DIDN'T have a great (or at least good, or at least interesting) entrance.

Not once in his life had Clio done any form of hard labour, and he was not looking forward to starting now.

I like this sentence. : )

Anyway, just keep in mind that you're trying to sell your story to your readers — not literally, unless you have plans for future publication of this story, but you're trying to garner people's interest. You need to give them a reason to read more.

This crit is getting kind of long, so I'm going to deal with one other fundamental aspect of the story that I thought was a problem, which I've already sort of addressed:

(2) Description

Now, first things first. I like description. And I like your descriptions; you've got a lovely way with words.

However.

I feel like this entire first installment of the story is wayyy too descriptive, and not in a good way. A lot of it is so unnecessary — the door trying to "hurt" him, Clio kicking back at it ... I think the sole function of this is to give Clio characterization, but I also think that you can do it in a much much shorter manner. Now, short isn't always good, but I do think in this situation it is. Because, here's the thing: I honestly feel like this entire opening bit can be excised. Put it this way: when does the story actually begin? Because so far we have a lot of introduction and exposition but ... nothing's happening. I don't expect ninjas to burst out of the walls but I think that this entire opening piece is completely unnecessary. Honestly, I think it would be interesting if you just started it off with when he's with "her", whoever she is. I think all of the characterization that occurred within this first piece can happen just as well (and probably a lot lot better and a lot lot more smoothly) in the next installment.

I think this opening piece is great, but I also think it's mostly about the steam and furnace and coal and corridors and not so much about the characters themselves, and I think this majorly detracts from your story. I'd encourage you to go over this piece and decide whether or not it's really integral to your story. Because I think you have great style and a great character, and it's a shame that both your style and your character are bogged down in the current narrative.

Anyway, I'm done for now, but as I said earlier — ask away if you have any questions or want me to clear anything up for you. I can't say this enough: I think this is a really interesting premise and you have a really interesting style and a great character, so I can't wait to see what that combination creates. Good luck!

Smaur, I think I owe you my first-born child for that #_#

Reading it through I can see what you mean about the description being a bit overboard, the unedited version was full to the brim and I did cut a lot out ><" Looking now, yeah, there's more that could go.

I had my doubts as to whether I was going to keep this part in or not, as the rest isn't really told from Clio's perspective, so your input about the openeing was super-useful.

Thank you so much!