Young Writers Society

Chapter 3: The Advancement Of Knowledge

The time whirling wormhole spit them out in to what would be later reknown as China, and that created the new Chinese. That also created one, new unified language called Chaozu, which was unbearably difficult to speak. It sounded like you were talking like a chipmunk in Japanese. If a foreigner got even one word wrong, they would be shot by a firing squad which was not very fun. But it was fun for the firing squad shooting the bloke. There was no court. All people were shot for the unspeakable crime of not learning Chaozu. It was a trial dictatorship. People were fearing to even go to the new dictatorship. It was sheer horror for everyone. If some people even thought about entering the country, people would shoot themselves, creating mass suicide, or even the worst thing possible, genocide. So quickly, the new Chinese dictatorship had to hire a writer, and create publishing houses in order to create propaganda in book form, forcing people to buy it, telling people it is ok to have fear. So people bought the book, and learned how to have fear and be ok with it. All except for the people with the highest intelligence. They immediately deduced it as all fallacies, lies, and prevarication.

critiqued?

Meh needs more

That was very interesting. I felt as though I was inside the story, and was able to picture what you were describing very well. You also have a wonderful word choice that makes things colorful. But, that being said, I would like to warn you about a couple things.

That also created one, new unified language called Chaozu, which was unbearably difficult to speak. It sounded like you were talking like a chipmunk in Japanese.

Here, you are speaking in the Third Person, and then you suddenly switch from Third Person to Second Person. (You, our, etc.) That is a big no-no in writing. If you are going to write in Third Person, stick to third person, do go floating all over the place.

Other than that, I enjoyed you piece of writing and am hoping to read more at some point. Keep up the good work!