Young Writers Society

Chapter One
I didn’t even realize it was happening the first time it happened. My parents and I were eating dinner on the last night before I had to go back to school. I thought he had said it, I thought the words had been spoken. I thought wrong. Because even though my face showed shock and disappointment when I looked over at my parents they were still both eating silently, not even the slightest interruption in the rhythm of their eating; dinners were always quiet at our house. It was four words, four words I was never meant to hear but did anyways. I’m having an affair. The words had come from my father’s mind, like venom flowing from the fangs of a snake as it bit into me. I was ten. My fork was hanging half way between my plate and my mouth as I stared at him in disgust and shock. I was only ten.

“Are you alright?” My father asked annoyed at my expression. Usually I had good self preservation and could hide my emotions from my parents. It was what made me their “trophy daughter,” the one that they showed off to all of their friends before shipping me off to the best boarding schools in the farthest away countries, or to the finest summer programs no where close to home. I hated it, I was a complete outsider. I felt so invisible to the teachers and the students alike. The people that did notice me looked at me as a vulnerable puppy, waiting to be picked on. I was so terribly shy. I portrayed perfectly the saying “little children should be seen and not heard,” because it was how I was raised, or rather taught, at school.

But when I heard those words I was so utterly confused and shocked that I couldn’t even understand that he was actually talking to me. At that point it was mostly the meaning of the words that shocked me, not the fact that I could, but wasn’t supposed to hear them. It wasn’t until later that I realized something was very different about me.

“Answer your father dear.” My mother had said quietly not looking up but delicately putting another piece of her salad in her mouth. I assured them both that I was fine then excused myself. As I walked down the hall I passed the nanny and I heard her thoughts,

“Jack loves me, I know it. He’s going to leave her, he promised. He’s going to leave her.”

I didn’t stop walking, didn’t even look up. I went into my room, unable to process what was going on, finished packing, and then I got up the next morning and got on the plane leaving London and going to Sweden; back to school. I had wanted to tell my mom what was going on, but what could I say? I understood what an affair was, I watched TV, but honestly what would I tell her? “Hey mom, I heard dad’s and the nanny’s thoughts, they’re having an affair and dad is going to leave you.” No. I would have found myself in an uncomfortable jacket in a padded room; which would have ruined my parent’s image; because that was all that mattered.

For eight years now I have felt very alone. Despite all the thoughts that invade my head involuntarily and all of the secrets I learn, I feel almost invisible; even more so then when I was a child. I never really did have many friends, but this thing that was imposed upon me made me an even bigger freak, and outsider. My parents never did separate, my mom did find out about the affair but, I guess their image mattered more than their happiness.

I used to hate being sent so far away from my parents, but now that I can hear what they are thinking, Mars isn’t far enough away. I had finally settled on The George Washington University in D.C. It’s not exactly Mars, but it is on a different continent. I want to study law; it seems the most logical career to pursue with my unusual ability.

When I was younger I thought of my ability as a consolation prize, like I deserved it for everything I had put up with when I was younger, with my parents, teachers, and the kids at school. That didn’t stop me from feeling bad about using my ability, though. I felt so embarrassed every time I read someone’s mind, so invasive. I was so afraid of what I might hear, like that first night. Since then I have tried to control my ability. I have tried to push through all of the involuntary thoughts that aren’t mine but fill my head anyways. It is harder when I am in close contact with people, or in large groups. I would lose control and my head would start to hurt from an overdose of thoughts. I tend to pass out a lot at airports, and that was why I was so nervous when I stepped off the plane in D.C.

I didn’t want to pass out, not when I was finally free from my parents and their thoughts. I had been looking forward to this day for eight years, now it was here and I was worried about passing out from the overload of thoughts that was sure to come. Normal people don’t have to worry about things like that. I almost hated myself for being so different sometimes. When I pushed through the door leading off the plane and into the airport I nearly broke into a run.

…Emily forgot her blanket back in San Diego…

…Where is my ticket?...

…He is cute…

…I hate airplanes…

I tried desperately not to listen to the thoughts that floated into my head from all different directions and focused on finding baggage claim.
My long auburn hair was pulled up into a pony tail, and I was wearing ripped jeans and an black button up shirt. I wasn’t tall enough to see over the crowds of people to find my way to baggage claim, and I wasn’t strong enough to push through the big clumps of people. My dark green north face backpack hung onto my back almost weighing me down, keeping me from getting to baggage claim and out of the airport.

I dodged around the groups of people and the hugging families sighing when I just seemed to be going in circles. I stood up on a chair, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks as eyes fell upon me. I spied a sign that read Baggage Claim 4 and hopped off the chair and made my way past gates 24 and 25 until I finally arrived at baggage claim. I pulled a glass door open and walked into the silent baggage claim room. There was a marquee sign hanging above the giant conveyor belt that had red words scrolling across it. Baggage for flight K529 arriving in five minutes. I sat down in an uncomfortable blue chair and watched the words scroll across the sign countless times. I was the first one to arrive at baggage claim from my flight because I had no one waiting for me, no one who cared. I enjoyed the silence of the room and pulled my cell phone out of my back pocket, only having to worry about my thoughts.

There were no txt messages, no missed calls. Why would there be? I had no friends and my parents didn’t care enough to call. I had become more of a disappointment than a trophy daughter in the past few years. I did well in school, but I was never a social butterfly. I never dated the right boys; well I never really dated at all. And why would I want to study law? It was completely absurd, especially when I could just marry a rich Duke or Earl. I couldn’t seem to do anything right.

I almost liked disappointing my parents though, almost. There was a sort of comfort in knowing that after all of the years of crap they put me through, I could get them back.

I snapped my cell phone shut, then jumped when I looked up. There was a boy standing in front of me. It wasn’t the fact that he was a little closer than was normal, or the fact that his eyes seemed to be completely pitch black, even where the whites should have been that scared me, it was that I hadn’t heard him coming. I should have heard his thoughts, but there was complete silence. I didn’t know what to do, I was confused and excited at the same time. I couldn’t hear his thoughts, maybe I was cured? The boy was tall, with a lean build; he was tan and had black hair that matched his eyes. Suddenly he blinked and when he eye lids lifted back up he revealed ice blue irises and the whites of his eyes returned. A smile slid across his face making him even more attractive than before.

Then he turned and left the baggage claim room, left, just like that; sliding on a pair of sunglasses as he did so. Suitcases started to slide across the conveyor belt and I was again the only one in the room. I had goose bumps on my arms and my hands were shaking as I grabbed my black suitcases from the conveyor belt. I turned and left the room and was suddenly hit with thoughts of the people coming towards the room.

...So glad he’s home…

…I feel sick; I just want to leave…

…what if they lost my luggage?...

…that’s the last time I ride with this company…

I groaned, my hoped of being cured were completely crushed. I picked up the pace of my walking and found my way outside. It took me ten minutes to hail a cab, but when I finally did I wasn’t any more relieved. I would be spending at least fifteen minutes in a car with a stranger listening to their thoughts. I threw my suitcase in the back seat first then climbed in myself.

“Where ya goin’ kid?” The old guy with a cigar sticking out of his mouth asked.

“Um, The Aston, please.” I answered, sitting back in the seat and taking a deep breath. The Aston was where first year law students stayed, I already had my room assignments and had requested a single room. There was an i.d. tag hanging from the dash that told me my driver’s name was Saul. Saul wasn’t much of a talker, and most of his thoughts consisted of cursing at other drivers as we made out way through the city and to the Aston.

I walked to the front entrance of The Aston and there was a man in uniform who opened the door for me and said, “Welcome to the Aston.” While he was really thinking, can’t you open your own damn door? I smiled to myself and made a mental note to open the door myself next time. There was a long line of students waiting at the front desk. I pulled a big white envelope from my backpack and pulled out my room key which had the number 412 engraved on the handle of it. I pushed through the line of students and got to the elevator hearing some aggravated thoughts along the way. The elevator whipped open and I stepped inside and hit the number four on the wall. The doors began to close and I heard someone yell, “Hold the elevator!” I put my hand in the way of the door and the doors retracted revealing the boy from the airport, the one whose thoughts I couldn’t hear.

I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks and looked down at my feet. I still couldn’t hear what he was thinking; it was starting to get annoying, which was weird. I had gone all these years wishing I couldn’t hear people’s thoughts and now all I wanted to do was hear his thoughts.

“I’m Caleb.” He said and I snapped my eyes up from the floor, but didn’t look at him.

“I’m Emery.” I replied. He opened his mouth to say something else, but the doors opened on the fourth floor and I hurried out into the hallway. Despite his pleasant features, he scared me. I couldn’t hear his thoughts and that make me vulnerable to him, unable to know what he was going to do or say, which was the only upside I had found so far to reading people’s minds. I turned a corner and found my room.

I turned the key in the lock and heard a click. The room was dark when I walked in, except for the light seeping through the halfway closed curtains. Instead of flipping the light switch on I walked to the window and pulled the curtains open, revealing a spectacular view of the city. I didn’t bother unpacking, I knew the first place I wanted to go.

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So it is edited and different from the original, I seem to be having a hard time with the begining so if anyone wants to help wtih that that'd be great. I mean I don't know if this version is any better. I have more and I'll post it...

hmmm... sounds like she's got a telepathy complex, i recommend a dosage of strong hallucinogens, preferably taken with a strong alcohol, that should take care of it, ha ha...

but on the the real review now.

interesting, if a bit cliche, (but what isn't nowadays?)

personally, I thought that the "Thought-dialog" was a bit choppy, unrealistic, i mean, he probably wouldn't just right in the middle of dinner think a flat "I'm having an affair"... not likely.

what I'm saying is that the thoughts are a bit too straightforward for actual thoughts, people (at least none of them I've met) don't think the exact same patterns as they talk.

Yes, i was having a problem with that, I just don't know how to fix it. I wanted to make it seem like the father was saying it regrettfully, like he wanted to say it out loud but couldn't..something along those lines. As for the other thoughts she hears, it is just supposed to be random snip its that she catches as she walks past people..did it not come across like that?

yeah, it got better towards the end, it just started out a bit choppy.

WoW. I love it. I have no changes to suggest....awesome.

I loved it *thumbs up* XD I think instead of her father just saying I'm having an affair he could say : " I can't believe I'm having an affair". But other then that its great.


-Ink

P.s. This version is better

Hey there, Rory! I never saw the original version so I can't comment on any changes in that respect, but here I go anyway XD

I didn’t even realize it was happening the first time it happened.

As a starting line, this is confusing and seems to repeat itself without really adding aything apart from acting a little like a 'take note of this now' marker for the rest of the paragraph. You could just cut it out really.

I thought he had said it, I thought the words had been spoken. I thought wrong. Because even though my face showed shock and disappointment when I looked over at my parents they were still both eating silently, not even the slightest interruption in the rhythm of their eating; dinners were always quiet at our house. It was four words, four words I was never meant to hear but did anyways. I’m having an affair. The words had come from my father’s mind, like venom flowing from the fangs of a snake as it bit into me. I was ten. My fork was hanging half way between my plate and my mouth as I stared at him in disgust and shock. I was only ten.

Okay, the beginning. In my opinion, a lot of what's happening would go over the head of a ten year-old. Personally, there was some crazy stuff happening in my family when I was that age, but I was too young to really comprehend what was going on. Unless that's what you meant by only ten?

The Father's confessing to an affair, and yet the child's expressing all the reactions I'd expect from the spouse, while his wife is just continuing like nothing's happened. I don't so much have a problem with it being mentioned in dinner (it works as a sort of suddenly-blurting-it-out situation), but more the reactions of those involved. Also before we're actually told what he said, there's a lof of waffle. I'm guilty of this too #___# but it lost my interest a bit

I highlighted three parts:

1. This is kinda the waffle. It might make more sense if you rearranged the sentances because the lengths seem to jarr and make it a little harder to read.

2. If the kid's ten, and this is their intenal narrative at the time I don't think that the similie is really needed, no? If you want to keep it in, I'd recommend making it less drastic as at the moment it reads a bit over dramatic.

3. Again, this bit's a bit over dramamtic for a child of that age. It's how I'd imagine the mother reacting, but not a child.

EDIT: Okay, my bad >____> I thought he spoke those words out loud which is what confused me a bit. If you stuck his thoughts into italics like you had the nanny's it would make it clearer. If you could somehow make it clearer that these are his thoughts rather than his words before hand I tihnk that would help.

I portrayed perfectly the saying “little children should be seen and not heard,”[s] because it was how I was raised, or rather taught, at school.[/s]

I like the use of comparing her to a well known phrase, but think that if you cut out the second part of it, it'd have more impact.

[s]But[/s] when I heard those words I was so utterly confused and shocked that I couldn’t even understand that he was actually talking to me. At that point it was mostly the meaning of the words that shocked me, not the fact that I could, but wasn’t supposed to hear them. It wasn’t until later that I realized something was very different about me.

Starting the sentance with 'but' doesn't work because it's not directly related the the point raised in the previous one. This part confused me a bit because of the way it's arranged, try keeping it shorter and simpler and don't feel you have to elaborte things to make it sound good

“Answer your father, dear.” My mother [s]had[/s] said quietly, not looking up but delicately putting another piece of her salad in her mouth.

Oh boy I'm nitpicking here >____> throw in a couple of commas, and take out the had as it's causing a bit of tense confusion in my opinion. Also 'putting another piece of salad in her mouth' sounds a little arkward and creates a weird image in my mind O__O just keep it siple and say that she's eating it.

“Jack loves me, I know it. He’s going to leave her, he promised. He’s going to leave her.”

Ooo, scandal!

I would have found myself in an uncomfortable jacket in a padded room; which would have ruined my parent’s image; because that was all that mattered.

I don't think you need either of the semicolons. Just replace one with a good old fashioned comma C:

For eight years now I have felt very alone.

Sudden tense change whatwhat? Not that's it's bad, just a bit sudden. Maybe make it clearer that this is a different time? Even just visually by putting an extra gap between the two parts would help.

I would lose control and my head would start to hurt from an overdose of thoughts.

Overdose of thoughts, nice! I like that :3

I didn’t want to pass out, not when I was finally free from my parents and their thoughts.

Okay, I'm slightly confused. Earlier I thought that the narrator mentioned that her parents often sent her away to boarding schools and other places away from home, so she didn't send up spending that much time with them, but here she's glad to get away from them?

…Emily forgot her blanket back in San Diego…

…Where is my ticket?...

…He is cute…

…I hate airplanes…

In my opinion it would look cleaner if you look away the elipses and put all the thought in italics so that there's more or a sense of consistancy. But I do like that there are quite real snipits of thought ^^

My long auburn hair was pulled up into a pony tail, and I was wearing ripped jeans and an black button up shirt.

This is an info dump that you don't really need; is what she's wearing important? If not don't mention it. Try to blend in desriptions rather than just telling us outright ^^

My [s]dark green north face[/s] backpack hung onto my back almost weighing me down, keeping me from getting to baggage claim and out of the airport.

Again, some excessive description that you could really just cut out.

I dodged around the groups of people and the hugging families sighing when I just seemed to be going in circles.

Hugging families sighing? I really don't understand that, sorry.

There were no txt messages, no missed calls. Why would there be? I had no friends and my parents didn’t care enough to call.

Text messages Also I don't like the 'why would that be?' as it's unneeded, and sounds a bit like one of those sarcastic questions.

There was a sort of comfort in knowing that after all of the years of crap they put me through, I could get them back.

Replace crap with a different word, or just have 'after all they put me through over the years, I could finally do something to irk them' or something.

or the fact that his eyes seemed to be completely pitch black, even where the whites should have been that scared me,

I've always disliked the use of oddly coloured eyes >___<;; the black part of out eyes is actually just a hole and the sclera and iris are skin and muscle. If his eyes were all black then it's be kinda hard for him to see.

The boy was tall, with a lean build; he was tan and had black hair that matched his eyes.

More descriptive dumps, if you only did part of it it might work, but all at once I think it's a bit too much?

The old guy with a cigar sticking out of his mouth asked.

I think rearrange to something like 'The old guy asked, cigar clamped between his teeth'?

There was an i.d. tag hanging from the dash that told me my driver’s name was Saul.

I.D. needs to be capitalised

Saul wasn’t much of a talker, and most of his thoughts consisted of cursing at other drivers as we made out way through the city[s] and to the Aston.[/s]

Haha, I like that XD I'm the same when I drive so I can totally believe it

While he was really thinking, can’t you open your own damn door? I smiled to myself and made a mental note to open the door myself next time.

This seems a bit unfair. I assumed he was one of those people who are employed to open the door, like you get in certain super-upper-class department stores :/ plus if she's got baggage and stuff and has just had a really long trip, she's not going to have a hand free and is going to be really tired D: Have you ever thought that when holding the door open for someone? It's more of a curtosy than anything else, jsut make sure she says thank you.

“I’m Emery.”

Hurrah for names \O/


Okay, this is pretty interesting and you've caught my attention so I'll definalty be following this

Problems though:

-I think you need to make her parents more human. At the moment there is nothing at all positive said about them and they seem to put themselves above her in every respect. Not all parents are good, but at the moment it feels like this is being set up to be a 'kid who was neglected by parents but has magical super-powers' type of thing.

-Parts of this are quite telly rather than showy, and there are a few info dumps that could could do with removing, or putting into dialouge rather than just telling us straight out.

-As soon as Caleb was in the airport I could tell that he was going to be someone important just because of his eyes. Why not have him wearing his sunglasses all the time so that we have more mystery that can unfold in the later parts?

But yes, all in all I quite liked this and I shall hop over to read the other parts.

After I've gone out to buy some eggs.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about anything I've said, or if you have anything else you'd like me to take a look at! :3

That's a good start. I tried fixing up your beginning, but it really needs work. The easiest way to begin is to place yourself in her shoes, and think 'what would she be doing' or saying or what could be happening right at this moment?

Generally it's a great beginning and i'm doing the second right now. Please don't shorten words like text to txt. That's not how you write. And you need to construct better sentances. They're all so long and there's no commas so it sounds like this when you read them because the reader can't find a place to stop and pause and it just ruins the story altogether do you get what i mean now?

Plot is confusing. What's happening? She can hear peoples thoughts, her dad's having an affair, she goes to a boarding school in sweden. Then she suddenly jumps from being a trophy daughter, to not being one? Confusing.

Good effort i look forward to the next chapters. Sorry to sound totally mean

RoryLegend,

You have a really good start here. I’m liking the storyline so far. Your characters are very believe able, but please be careful. There have been so many Twilight inspired fanfics that it’s not even funny. They are lame and stupid. This isn’t a fanfic, but the ‘I can hear pplz thoughts’ and ‘the most gorgeous boy ever!’ is very overused. Be extremely careful when dealing with this stuff.

The first part started off very slowly, which isn’t a very good thing. You need a better hook. Don’t rush the dinner scene, either. This is where we are getting introduced with your main character. Don’t rush it. Explain how she uses her power. Dive deeper into our minds and mystify us. Wasn’t that the first time that she had ever used her powers? It should come as more of a shock, don’t you think? Put yourself in her shoes. You are at the dinner table. You read your father’s mind: “I’m having an affair.” What would you do?

The second part was much more enjoyable. It was easier to follow, but slightly predictable. The boy that suddenly appeared and then disappeared is toeing the line. If you really want him to be creepy, don’t let him leave the room. Make him stay there and stare at your main character. It’s more disturbing. Also, you mention that his eyes go black. Um, weird? Your MC doesn’t think so. If you saw a guy with black eyes, you’d be a little creeped out.

So, the major problem with this is your realism. Try to make everything as real as possible, or we find it really hard to believe anything you write. I have included a line-by-line critique in the attachment below.

-Jared

As I walked down the hall, passing the nanny, and I heard her thoughts,

“Hey mom, I heard dad’s and the nanny’s thoughts. They’re having an affair, and dad is going to leave you."

I think you should divide this into another paragraph.

There were no text messages, no missed calls

I had no friends and my parents didn’t care enough to call

I already get that impression. I don't think there's any reason to state it.

You mentioned the beginning in your note, and I think you began the story really well. You started with the inciting incident, and worked your way up to the premise. A telepath in law school! This sounds interesting. I also like the way telepathy causes her distress. I think it's more realistic that way.