Young Writers Society

(Again, I need honest critiques, especially near the end. I need suggestions on how to lengthen the last few paragraphs of the chapter. Also, sorry if some of you see the same mistakes in here that you pointed out in the last chapter. I wrote this one before anyone critiqued the first one.)


Chapter 2:

Dynamo and Amber arrived at a large open field after leaving Horizon City. The wind flowed gently across the grassy fields making them look like small oceans. There were a few trees here and there and they spotted one or two farms off in the distance. Far off in the distance they could see mountains lining the edge of the grasslands.

“So, where are we now?” Amber asked.

Dynamo opened up his map on the PSD. An exclamation mark appeared on the black sphere before a small portion of the map, about three times the size of the gray spot that was Horizon City appeared. It was green with a few dots that indicated farm houses. Dynamo touched the new area on the sphere and a window with a map opened. “Says here we’re in a place called Sunset Fields. Wait, there’s a message here.” He read it for his sister. “Recommended for players levels one through five.”

“We’re in the right place then. Let’s go find stuff to kill!” Amber ran off, leaving Dynamo to chase after her.

“Amber, wait up! You don’t know what’s out there!” He tried to keep up with his sister but being a thief her character was considerably faster than his.

Amber suddenly stopped, allowing Dynamo to catch up. She pointed ahead and said, “Look, over there!” A few yards away were three dogs walking around aimlessly. Two of them had gray coats and one of them was black. “I bet we can beat those things.”

“But Amber, there so cute!” Dynamo loved dogs, every time he saw one on the street without an owner he would bring it home with him in hopes that his parents would say yes. But since they lived in an apartment dogs weren’t allowed. That didn’t deter him from bringing them home anyway.

“Dynamo, this is a game. You know those aren’t real dogs.”

“Yeah, but we can’t kill them! Look at them, there’s so cute.” Dynamo started walking toward the group of dogs.

“What are you doing, Dynamo? Those things are going to attack you if you get too close!”

“Relax Amber, they aren’t going to hurt me.” The dogs spotted Dynamo and immediately bared their teeth, barking and snarling at him. They seemed to position themselves so the black dog was between the two gray ones.

“See, I told you!” Amber shouted as she reached for her dagger. Dynamo’s PSD started to beep as a window appeared in front of him. It read, ‘Battle! Stray Dogs Lv. 1: x3.’ As suddenly as the window had appeared it disappeared. Music began to play from some unknown source. “What’s that sound?” Amber asked.

Dynamo looked over his shoulder at his sister. “I think it’s the game’s soundtrack. It probably plays every time you fight.”

Amber’s eyes went wide. “Dynamo, look out!” One of the stray dogs slammed into Dynamo’s chest before he had a chance to move. He grunted as he hit the ground, hard. From where he lay he could see his HP bar decrease a bit. “Keep your eyes on the enemy!” Amber told him as she helped him to his feet.

Dynamo grabbed his sword from its sheath on his belt and face the dogs. “That hurt! You’ll pay for that!” He ran forward at the dog that hit him, raising his sword and slashing at the animal’s body. The sword made contact, yet no blood was shed. Instead an HP bar appeared over its head, along with the number nine in red text. The majority of the bar was now red from his attack.

The dog attacked, this time with its teeth. It bit down on his left hand. Dynamo cried out in pain as a little more of his own HP bar decreased. He got made and slashed at the dog again. This time the number eleven appeared, flashing bright orange to indicate a critical hit. The gray dog faded from existence when its HP bar turned completely red.

Dynamo cheered victoriously, “Yeah, take that!”

“I could use a little help over here!” Dynamo turned to see his sister facing off against the remaining two dogs. One of them jumped forward but Amber easily sidestepped to evade the attack, stabbing it in the side with her dagger as the dog passed by. Her attacks did only half that damage of Dynamo’s. Both the dogs had a little bit of red on their HP bars.

“I’m coming!” Dynamo rushed forward as the black dog jumped at his sister while her back was turned. Since Amber had already dealt some damage to it a single attack from Dynamo was all it took to take it down.

They both turned to face the last dog, the one that Amber had just stabbed. They rushed forward yelling at the top of their lungs as they brought their weapons down on the animal at the same time. It let out an agonizing howl as its body disappeared.

The song that was playing changed to victory music as two windows appeared, one in front of Dynamo and the other in front of Amber. They both read, ‘Level Up!’ “Cool, we reached level two!” Amber cheered.

Dynamo touched the window to close it and a new one opened to replace it. This one showed his skill tree, along with a message that read, ‘You have earned five points for your skill tree.’ “I get it now,” Dynamo mused. “Every time I level up I get points that I can use to purchase stuff on my skill tree.”

Amber turned to her brother and said, “Dynamo, you talk to yourself too much. You know that, right?”

Dynamo scowled at his sister. “I can talk to myself if I want to!” He turned back to the window to see what skills he could get. He had concluded that the yellow box was something he started off with at level 1. The three boxes under it that had once been gray were now blue. They were as followed, daggers at 2 points, long swords at 5 points and clubs at 3 points. Dynamo didn’t like using daggers or clubs so he chose the one thought he would get the most use out of, long swords. He touched the box with his finger and it turned from blue to yellow as the point counter at the top of the window turned to zero. The other two boxes returned to being gray.

He closed the window and turned to his sister who had just finished choosing her skill as well. “So, what did you choose?” he asked.

Amber stuck out her tongue and said, “Not telling!”

Dynamo shrugged. “Whatever, let’s go fight some more monsters.” A thought occurred. “Wait, do you earn gold after fighting monsters in this game?”

Amber shook her head. “I read in a forum that you can only get remains from monsters in this game. If you want gold you have to do quests or sell the stuff you get from monsters.”

“Do the remains have any other use?” Dynamo asked.

“Some of the things you get from monsters are materials for crafting. You can find shops that take those materials and turn them into weapons, armor and other items. I think Epicom is starting on a patch that lets you do that yourself, but it’s a skill so you have to level it up a lot if you want to make anything good.”

“So, where are the remains?” Dynamo asked.

They looked around until they saw a brown treasure chest where the last stray tog had fallen. Amber pointed to it and shouted, “There it is!” They ran over to the chest and opened it. A flash of light came from inside the box as words in white text appeared over it. They read, ‘Dog pelt x3.’

“That’s it?” Dynamo asked, disappointed.

Amber gave him a look. “You were expecting more?”

The ground suddenly shook, knocking them both off their feet. “What the heck was that!?” Dynamo asked. They froze when they heard heavy footsteps behind them, followed by heavy breathing. They slowly turned their heads to look behind them, their hearts skipped a beat at the sight of an enormous black dragon standing right behind them. Dynamo’s PSD beeped as a window appeared in front of them. It read, ‘Ambush! Black Dragon Lv. 40.’

“What the heck is a monster that strong doing here!?” Amber shouted.

“Who cares!? Run!” Dynamo grabbed his sister’s arm and pulled her to her feet. The dragon roared as it chased after them. The ground shook violently each time its foot hit the ground.

Amber suddenly tripped, dragging her brother with her. They tried to get up but the dragon caught up to them. They stared up at the creature in horror as it loomed over them. Flames began to rise from its mouth as it reared its head back. Without thinking, Dynamo jumped in front of Amber, shielding her from the attack. He felt his body catch on fire. For a moment he felt searing pain, then everything went black and he felt nothing.

Dynamo has died.

Even if you wrote this before we reviewed the previous chapter, you should still go back through it and modify it so it's as good as it can be. Just something for you to do in the future. Now, let's get started.

There were a few trees here and there and they spotted one or two farms off in the distance. Far off in the distance they could see mountains lining the edge of the grasslands.

I wouldn't say 'one or two farms'. Mostly because it's just so simple to get more descriptive by saying there was just one. Also, you said 'off in the distance' twice, and since it's a phrase, it's too repetitive. Maybe change the last sentence to:
And beyond the farmland, just barely within sight, stretched a mountain range.

“But Amber, there so cute!”

Okay, I know Dynamo likes dogs, but I almost thought a little girl had said it. Try and say something that doesn't make his sound like that.

“Yeah, but we can’t kill them! Look at them, there’s so cute.”

Dynamo is really beginning to creep me out... (As a side note, this is an example of when you don't need an exclamation point. Maybe if it was a child defending their own dog from being put down, but it just seems like he has too much emotion here).

“That hurt! You’ll pay for that!” He ran forward at the dog that hit him, raising his sword and slashing at the animal’s body.

IF he's as obsessive about dogs as you make him out to be above, then he wouldn't so quickly kill a dog. There'd be at least some hesitation.

He got made and slashed at the dog again.

You mean 'mad' not 'made'.

“I get it now,” Dynamo mused.

Like last time you used the word 'mused'. Okay, I can see we're going to need to help you with your addicting. What I want you to do is never use the word 'mused' again in your story. Maybe many chapters from now, but you're using this powerful word too much.

Amber turned to her brother and said, “Dynamo, you talk to yourself too much.

Amen to that.

Overall this was pretty good. You once again do a good job making it seem like a real MMO, and the story is entertaining enough. Good job so far.

I just thought of something. Have you ever read the manga .Hack: Legend of Twilight? Because there are a lot of similarities.
1: The two main characters are brother and sister (Like Rina and Shugo from .hack).
2: Dynamo's sister is really tan with a yellow tattoo and wears a two piece costume(Like Rina's character Black Rose).
3: Dynamo is obsessed with dogs and uses the word 'cute' when he sees one (like Shugo did to Ouka in dog form)
4: Dynamo would always try to bring stray dogs into their house, but they weren't allowed since it was an apartment. Shugo from .hack always tried to do the same, but their condo wouldn't allow it.
5: This is the obvious one and I just decided to throw it in here for the heck of it. Both stories revolve around an MMORPG.
6: During Dynamo's and his sister's first time out fighting, a monster that's too powerful for the area appears. Same thing happens to Shugo and Rina the first time they go out fighting.
7: When the monster attacks Dynamo's sister, Dynamo jumps in the way to protect her. Shugo does the same when the monster goes after his sister Rina.
8: Both die at the end of their first time out fighting.

And this is only within the first 2 chapters of the story... You may want to change a few things.

The manga you meantioned is where I actually got the idea of the story. The part about bringing stray dogs home actually slipped my mind and I didn't remember until you pointed it out. But, yeah, I intend to change it more down the road. Thanks for pointing it out.

I haven't read the previous critiques so forgive me if I repeat anything:

Chapter 2:
Dynamo and Amber arrived at a large [Comma here.] open field after leaving Horizon City. The wind flowed gently across the grassy fields [Maybe use pastures rather than fields. Just to add a little variety and avoid repetition.] making them look like small oceans. There were a few trees here and there and they spotted one or two farms off in the distance. Far off in the distance [Again, the repetition needs to be avoided. Maybe ‘Further away than those…] they could see mountains lining the edge of the grasslands.
“So, where are we now?” Amber asked.
Dynamo opened up his map on the PSD. An exclamation mark appeared on the black sphere before a small portion of the map, about three times the size of the gray spot that was Horizon City [Comma here.] appeared. It was green with a few dots that indicated farm houses. Dynamo touched the new area on the sphere and a window with another map opened. “Says here we’re in a place called Sunset Fields. Wait, there’s a message here.” He read it for his sister. [Colon here.] “Recommended for players levels one through five.”
“We’re in the right place then. Let’s go find stuff to kill!” Amber ran off, leaving Dynamo to chase after her.
“Amber, wait up! You don’t know what’s out there!” He tried to keep up with his sister but being a thief [Comma here and possibly one before being as well if you want to make it a sub clause.] her character was considerably faster than his.
Amber suddenly stopped, allowing Dynamo to catch up. She pointed ahead and said, “Look, over there!” A few yards away were three dogs walking around aimlessly. Two of them had gray coats and one of them was black. “I bet we can beat those things.”
“But Amber, [s]there[/s] they’re so cute!” Dynamo loved dogs, every time he saw one on the street without an owner he would bring it home with him in hopes that his parents would say yes. But since they lived in an apartment [Comma here.] dogs weren’t allowed. That didn’t deter him from bringing them home anyway. [A good addition to his character by the way, even if it is a little bit of an info dump.]
“Dynamo, this is a game. You know those aren’t real dogs.”
“Yeah, but we can’t kill them! Look at them, [s]there’s[/s] they’re so cute.” Dynamo started walking toward the group of dogs.
“What are you doing, Dynamo? Those things are going to attack you if you get too close!”
“Relax Amber, they aren’t going to hurt me.” The dogs spotted Dynamo and immediately bared their teeth, barking and snarling at him. They seemed to position themselves so the black dog was between the two gray ones.
“See, I told you!” Amber shouted as she reached for her dagger. Dynamo’s PSD started to beep as a window appeared in front of him. It read, ‘Battle! Stray Dogs Lv. 1: x3.’ As suddenly as the window had appeared [Comma here.] it disappeared. Music began to play from some unknown source. “What’s that sound?” Amber asked. [What sort of music? Classical opera? Come on Dynamo, give your reader a little help. Is it menacing music? Adventurous music?]
Dynamo looked over his shoulder at his sister. “I think it’s the game’s soundtrack. It probably plays every time you fight.”
Amber’s eyes went wide. “Dynamo, look out!” One of the stray dogs slammed into Dynamo’s chest before he had a chance to move. He grunted as he hit the ground, hard. From where he lay he could see his HP bar decrease a bit. “Keep your eyes on the enemy!” Amber told him as she helped him to his feet.
Dynamo grabbed his sword from its sheath on his belt and faced the dogs. “That hurt! You’ll pay for that!” He ran forward at the dog that hit him, raising his sword and slashing at the animal’s body. The sword made contact, yet no blood was shed. Instead an HP bar appeared over its head, along with the number nine in red text. The majority of the bar was now red from his attack.
The dog attacked, this time with its teeth. It bit down on his left hand. Dynamo cried out in pain as a little more of his own HP bar decreased. He got mad[s]e[/s] and slashed at the dog again. This time the number eleven appeared, flashing bright orange to indicate a critical hit. [Seriously, no one hits numbers that high at level one on any game I’ve ever played. It tends to start at fours and fives with a seven or eight as a critical hit. Try to stick to the norm in some aspects of your game, that way it’s easier for your reader’s to imagine the less normal, more fantastical aspects.] The gray dog faded from existence when its HP bar turned completely red.
Dynamo cheered victoriously, “Yeah, take that!”
“I could use a little help over here!” Dynamo turned to see his sister facing off against the remaining two dogs. One of them jumped forward but Amber easily sidestepped to evade the attack, stabbing it in the side with her dagger as the dog passed by. Her attacks did only half [s]that[/s] the damage of Dynamo’s. Both the dogs had a little bit of red on their HP bars.
“I’m coming!” Dynamo rushed forward as the black dog jumped at his sister while her back was turned. Since Amber had already dealt some damage to it a single attack from Dynamo was all it took to take it down. [Previously it took a critical attack and one of Dynamo’s to take the first one down. Now all it needs is one of Dynamo’s attacks and one of Amelia’s which is half of Dynamo’s? That doesn’t add up. She must have hit it at least three times for it to work. Or by some damage do you mean she’s hit it previously? If so, it’s a little confusing.]
They both turned to face the last dog, the one that Amber had just stabbed. They rushed forward [Comma here.] yelling at the top of their lungs as they brought their weapons down on the animal at the same time. It let out an agonizing howl as its body disappeared.
The song that was playing changed to victory music as two windows appeared, one in front of Dynamo and the other in front of Amber. They both read, ‘Level Up!’ “Cool, we reached level two!” Amber cheered. [After one fight? Again, that’s a little unusual.]
Dynamo touched the window to close it and a new one opened to replace it. This one showed his skill tree, along with a message that read, ‘You have earned five points for your skill tree.’ “I get it now,” Dynamo mused. “Every time I level up [Comma here.] I get points that I can use to purchase stuff on my skill tree.”
Amber turned to her brother and said, “Dynamo, you talk to yourself too much. You know that, right?”
Dynamo scowled at his sister. “I can talk to myself if I want to!” He turned back to the window to see what skills he could get. He had concluded that the yellow box was something he started off with at level 1. The three boxes under it that had once been gray were now blue. They were as followed, [Colon here and then you don’t need ‘as followed’ which should be as follow if you want to keep it in.] daggers at 2 points, long swords at 5 points and clubs at 3 points. Dynamo didn’t like using daggers or clubs so he chose the one [he thought he would get the most use out of, [Colon here or possibly a semi colon.] long swords. He touched the box with his finger and it turned from blue to yellow as the point counter at the top of the window turned to zero. The other two boxes returned to being gray.
He closed the window and turned to his sister who had just finished choosing her skill as well. “So, what did you choose?” he asked.
Amber stuck out her tongue and said, “Not telling!”
Dynamo shrugged. “Whatever, let’s go fight some more monsters.” A thought occurred. “Wait, do you earn gold after fighting monsters in this game?”
Amber shook her head. “I read in a forum that you can only get remains from monsters in this game. If you want gold [Comma here.] you have to do quests or sell the stuff you get from monsters.”
“Do the remains have any other use?” Dynamo asked.
“Some of the things you get from monsters are materials for crafting. You can find shops that take those materials and turn them into weapons, armor and other items. I think Epicom is starting on a patch that lets you do that yourself, but it’s a skill so you have to level it up a lot if you want to make anything good.”
“So, where are the remains?” Dynamo asked.
They looked around until they saw a brown treasure chest where the last stray tog had fallen. Amber pointed to it and shouted, “There it is!” They ran over to the chest and opened it. A flash of light came from inside the box as words in white text appeared over it. They read, ‘Dog pelt x3.’ [The idea of not getting gold is good, gives the game a little originality and I’m glad you didn’t give them any amazing items on their first collection.]
“That’s it?” Dynamo asked, disappointed.
Amber gave him a look. “You were expecting more?”
The ground suddenly shook, knocking them both off their feet. “What the heck was that!?” [You know my aversion to double punctuation so I’ll only mention this once but I really think you should choose one or the other, particularly for a contest entry.] Dynamo asked. They froze when they heard heavy footsteps behind them, followed by heavy breathing. They slowly turned their heads to look behind them, their hearts skipped a beat at the sight of an enormous black dragon standing right behind them. Dynamo’s PSD beeped as a window appeared in front of them. It read, ‘Ambush! Black Dragon Lv. 40.’
“What the heck is a monster that strong doing here!?” Amber shouted.
“Who cares!? Run!” Dynamo grabbed his sister’s arm and pulled her to her feet. The dragon roared as it chased after them. The ground shook violently each time its foot hit the ground. [Maybe ‘…violently every time it took a step.’ Just to avoid that repetition of ground.]
Amber suddenly tripped, dragging her brother with her. They tried to get up but the dragon caught up to them. They stared up at the creature in horror as it loomed over them. Flames began to rise from its mouth as it reared its head back. Without thinking, Dynamo jumped in front of Amber, shielding her from the attack. He felt his body catch on fire. For a moment he felt searing pain, then everything went black and he felt nothing.
Dynamo has died. [Have this be an announcement on Amber’s computer It feels too much like the narrator is talking to the readers and pulls you out of the story.]

Overall, I think that the plot is advancing well but at the same time, I think you need to take a gentler approach to it and try to think at least a little realistically. A lvl 40 monster suddenly appearing in such a low area is ridiculous. Seriously. But good work on their personalities, it's nice to see that Amber is stronger than her brother in at least some areas. It might be even better if you had her be the one to save Dynamo rather than the other way around.

Also, I'd like more description during the fight. Just how real are these monsters? Can the characters smell them, can they feel the dog's hot breath as they get near. Do they hesitate? I have to admit as much as I love video games, I hate pain so if I got hurt, I'd be running away from there and encouraging my brother/ sister to do the same. You have to think: how likely is it that people will play a game where they're going to be feeling real pain?

Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

(Here's the re-edited version of my second chapter. I took into account everything you guys said. I even changed the dragon's level from 40 to 20 to make it seem a little more realistic since I'm going to set the characters' level cap at 50 anyway. I'll have to work a little more on descriptions later, though.)


Chapter 2:

Dynamo and Amber arrived at a large, open field after leaving Horizon City. The wind flowed gently across the grassy pastures making them look like small oceans. There were a few trees here and there and they spotted a few farms off in the distance. Beyond the farmland, just barely within sight, stretched a mountain range.

“So, where are we now?” Amber asked.

Dynamo opened up his map on the PSD. An exclamation mark appeared on the black sphere before a small portion of the map, about three times the size of the gray spot that was Horizon City, appeared. It was green with a few dots that indicated farm houses. Dynamo touched the new area on the sphere and a window with another map opened. “Says here we’re in a place called Sunset Fields. Wait, there’s a message here.” He read it for his sister: “Recommended for players levels one through five.”

“We’re in the right place then. Let’s go find stuff to kill!” Amber ran off, leaving Dynamo to chase after her.

“Amber, wait up! You don’t know what’s out there!” He tried to keep up with his sister but, being a thief, her character was considerably faster than his.

Amber suddenly stopped, allowing Dynamo to catch up. She pointed ahead and said, “Look, over there!” A few yards away were three dogs walking around aimlessly. Two of them had gray coats and one of them was black. Again, Dynamo was impressed by the detail the designers had put into the game. The dogs looked in every way real, especially their fur. Just looking at them he knew they would be soft if he touched them. “I bet we can beat those things.”

“But Amber, dogs are so cool!” Dynamo loved dogs, every time he saw one on the street without an owner he would bring it home with him in hopes that his parents would say yes. But since they lived in an apartment, dogs weren’t allowed. That didn’t deter him from bringing them home anyway.

“Dynamo, this is a game. You know those aren’t real dogs.”

“Yeah, but we can’t kill them. Look at them, they’re so cute.” Dynamo started walking toward the group of dogs.

“What are you doing, Dynamo? Those things are going to attack you if you get too close!”

“Relax Amber, they aren’t going to hurt me.” The dogs spotted Dynamo and immediately bared their teeth, barking and snarling at him. They seemed to position themselves so the black dog was between the two gray ones.

“See, I told you!” Amber shouted as she reached for her dagger. Dynamo’s PSD started to beep as a window appeared in front of him. It read, ‘Battle! Stray Dogs Lv. 1: x3.’ As suddenly as the window had appeared, it disappeared. Music began to play from some unknown source. It was fast paced rock music with a catchy beat that people could dance to. “What’s that sound?” Amber asked.

Dynamo looked over his shoulder at his sister. “I think it’s the game’s soundtrack. It probably plays every time you fight.”

Amber’s eyes went wide. “Dynamo, look out!” One of the stray dogs slammed into Dynamo’s chest before he had a chance to move. He grunted as he hit the ground, hard. From where he lay he could see his HP bar decrease a bit. “Keep your eyes on the enemy!” Amber told him as she helped him to his feet.

Dynamo grabbed his sword from its sheath on his belt and faced the dogs. “Okay, maybe these dogs aren’t that nice.” He was hesitant at first, but he shook his head and reminded himself that it was just a game. He ran forward at the dog that hit him, raising his sword and slashing at the animal’s body. The sword made contact, yet no blood was shed. Instead an HP bar appeared over its head, along with the number five in red text. The majority of the bar was now red from his attack.

The dog attacked, this time with its teeth. It bit down on his left hand. Being a video game Dynamo didn’t feel any pain, but his HP bar decreased. He got mad and slashed at the dog again. This time the number nine appeared, flashing bright orange to indicate a critical hit. The gray dog faded from existence when its HP bar turned completely red.

Dynamo cheered victoriously, “Yeah, take that!”

“I could use a little help over here!” Dynamo turned to see his sister facing off against the remaining two dogs. One of them jumped forward but Amber easily sidestepped to evade the attack, stabbing it in the side with her dagger as the dog passed by. Her attacks did only half the damage of Dynamo’s. Both the dogs had a little bit of red on their HP bars.

“I’m coming!” Dynamo rushed forward as the black dog jumped at his sister while her back was turned. Amber had already dealt damage to the enemy before Dynamo jumped in, so all it took to take down the dog was a single strike from his short sword.

They both turned to face the last dog, the one that Amber had just stabbed. They rushed forward, yelling at the top of their lungs as they brought their weapons down on the animal at the same time. It let out an agonizing howl as its body disappeared.

The song that was playing changed to victory music as two windows appeared, one in front of Dynamo and the other in front of Amber. They both read: ‘Level Up!’ “Wait, our characters already reached level two?” Amber said, confused.

“We did fight three enemies at once,” Dynamo pointed out. “The total experience we gained must have been all it took to reach level two.” He touched the window to close it and a new one opened to replace it. This one showed his skill tree, along with a message that read: ‘You have earned five points for your skill tree.’ I get it now, Dynamo thought, every time I level, up I get points that I can use to purchase stuff on my skill tree. He concluded that the yellow box was something he started off with at level 1. The three boxes under it that had once been gray were now blue. They were: daggers at 2 points, long swords at 5 points and clubs at 3 points. Dynamo didn’t like using daggers or clubs so he chose the one he thought he would get the most use out of; long swords. He touched the box with his finger and it turned from blue to yellow as the point counter at the top of the window turned to zero. The other two boxes returned to being gray.

He closed the window and turned to his sister who had just finished choosing her skill as well. “So, what did you choose?” he asked.

Amber stuck out her tongue and said, “Not telling!”

Dynamo shrugged. “Whatever, let’s go fight some more monsters.” A thought occurred. “Wait, do you earn gold after fighting monsters in this game?”

Amber shook her head. “I read in a forum that you can only get remains from monsters in this game. If you want gold, you have to do quests or sell the stuff you get from monsters.”

“Do the remains have any other use?” Dynamo asked.

“Some of the things you get from monsters are materials for crafting. You can find shops that take those materials and turn them into weapons, armor and other items. I think Epicom is starting on a patch that lets you do that yourself, but it’s a skill so you have to level it up a lot if you want to make anything good.”

“So, where are the remains?” Dynamo asked.

They looked around until they saw a brown treasure chest where the last stray tog had fallen. Amber pointed to it and shouted, “There it is!” They ran over to the chest and opened it. A flash of light came from inside the box as words in white text appeared over it. They read, ‘Dog pelt x3.’

“That’s it?” Dynamo asked, disappointed.

Amber gave him a look. “You were expecting more?”

The ground suddenly shook, knocking them both off their feet. “What the heck was that!” Dynamo asked. They froze when they heard heavy footsteps behind them, followed by heavy breathing. They slowly turned their heads to look behind them, their hearts skipped a beat at the sight of an enormous black dragon standing right behind them. Dynamo’s PSD beeped as a window appeared in front of them. It read, ‘Ambush! Black Dragon Lv. 20.’

“What the heck is a monster that strong doing here!?” Amber shouted.

“Who cares!? Run!” Dynamo grabbed his sister’s arm and pulled her to her feet. The dragon roared as it chased after them. The ground shook violently every time it took a step.

Amber suddenly tripped, dragging her brother with her. They tried to get up but the dragon caught up to them. They stared up at the creature in horror as it loomed over them. Flames began to rise from its mouth as it reared its head back. Without thinking, Dynamo jumped in front of Amber, shielding her from the attack. He felt his body catch on fire and for a moment his eyes were filled with blindingly bright light, then everything went black and he felt nothing.

Hi, Dynamo. I guess I'll be your reviewer.

First off, I think Ryan ought to know more about online games in general. After all he did spend his whole night playing them.

Second, I like how you created an actual world for the game. (as opposed to a plane in said Dot Hack)
Last but not least, I didn't spot any grammar points. Keep up the good work.