z

Young Writers Society


Lost, Chapter 2



User avatar
6 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 6
Sat Jan 17, 2009 4:47 am
Poisoness says...



Chapter 2: The Surprise


For the first time in months I felt like I was actually alive. Jason came over almost everyday and we talked for hours on end about absolutely nothing. He always looked his best in the latest fashions, and he never missed an opportunity to compliment me on my… well rags compared to him.

After a month or two instead of staying inside and talking he took me on a walk around town. It was a nice afternoon with a lovely breeze and birds chirping in the lush green trees on either side of the path that was winding threw the many trees around the lake. It was a very nice walk and I really enjoyed myself.

When we were almost getting to the gate that led back to the street he turned to me, pulled something out of his pocket, got down on one knee, and said:

“Jessica Ellen Cole, Will you marry me?”

In his hand he held the most beautiful ring in the whole world. I threw myself around him saying, Yes, yes, yes! In return he slipped the ring around my left index finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I returned home my mother came to the door to ask how our walk was. In return I showed her the ring on my left hand. She squealed with delight and went to get the rest of the family. I’m not sure why but when a mother’s oldest daughter is engaged who knows what she will do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Latter that week my mother took me to a bridal shop. It was in the older fashion where you walked around the store and looked at different items rather than using a food-a-gon. They where all called food-a-gons, no matter what you could get out of them. You just had to go to the right store.

My mother and I wondered around the store several times before we finally decided on something. It was a fairly simple white dress with a wide under skirt, a few flower beads here and there, with a long trail in back. We went up to the front of the store to look at accessories then went home with our purchases.

Jason and I where to get married in two months and we both couldn’t wait! Both of our families were excited for us and were trying to plan everything before we could even get to it. There was so much to get done, and yet nothing to do.

Jason and I were able to spend most of the next two months together. We wanted to be together but also our families would kick us out of the house while they were preparing our wedding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On one of our walks around the lake we stopped to sit on one of the many benches. It was twilight now and we were sitting staring at the few stars that had already risen. Jason was the first one to break the silence, and it wasn’t about the stars.

“Your father,” he said, “what was he doing in Major Anderson’s house?”

I was surprised by his choice of subject but answered nonetheless.

“I don’t know. All I know is that he was serving in the war and that something was going on that he couldn’t send over mail for fear of it getting intercepted. I don’t know if I will ever know what was going on” he didn’t respond so I added, “What where you doing there anyways?”

He sighed unhappily then said, “Let’s start from the beginning. Do you know what the war was about?”
~Ella
"Don't give up what you want most for
what you want most at the moment!"
  





User avatar
58 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3584
Reviews: 58
Sun Aug 30, 2009 2:01 am
KayKel16 says...



After a month or two instead of staying inside and talking he took me on a walk around town.

Comma after talking.

When we were almost getting to the gate that led back to the street he turned to me, pulled something out of his pocket, got down on one knee, and said:
“Jessica Ellen Cole, Will you marry me?”

That whole shindig is okay, except for a few concerns. Instead of 'he said:' then giving the quote, try it like this: When we were almost getting to the gate that led back to the street he turned towards me and pulled something out of his pocket, and got down on one knee saying, "Jessica Ellen Cole, will you marry me?"

You probably noticed some different things I added in, which are: no capitalized will, towards instead of to, ridding of a couple commas, and that's about it.

In his hand he held the most beautiful ring in the whole world. I threw myself around him saying, Yes, yes, yes! In return he slipped the ring around my left index finger.

I'm going to recommend your sentence worded differently. Feel free to put it in your own way if you like. "In his hand, he held the most beautiful ring in the whole world. I threw myself around him saying, 'Yes, yes, yes!" Much better, how and it's the left RING finger.

“I don’t know. All I know is that he was serving in the war and that something was going on that he couldn’t send over mail for fear of it getting intercepted. I don’t know if I will ever know what was going on” he didn’t respond so I added, “What where you doing there anyways?”

Comma after on, period instead of comma after added.

He sighed unhappily then said, “Let’s start from the beginning. Do you know what the war was about?”

Saying said with this one isn't important. Try removing the and said like this: "He sighed unhappily, "Let's start from the beginning. Do you know what the war was about?"
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
-James Dean
  








Poetry is my cheap means of transportation. By the end of the poem the reader should be in a different place from where he started. I would like him to be slightly disoriented at the end, like I drove him outside of town at night and dropped him off in a cornfield.
— Billy Collins